Bipolar Angel In L.A.

an apology

2012-01-26T19:05:00.000-08:00

to whoever happens upon this blog, if ever~~a sincere apology for this dreg. it is delusions of grandeur. i have imagined in my mind to have something to offer this world, and so i imagine myself to be an intellect and philosopher and maybe even imagine myself some what of a sybil.....don't know. doesn't matter. i have many many thoughts in my head and i try to sort them out and explain what it feels like to be be bipolar.

i feel as if having issues with feelings and moods and anxieties, etc, has been judged against me. if i share with people that i have bipolar disorder (whatever that is~~i think i need more natural remedies instead of pharmaceuticals.), then i notice that they are not that interested in knowing me anymore. it hurts. i feel very ashamed of myself. even my psych doc seemed angry at me. they closed out my case today. i have been going to that mental health clinic since the early 90s. My doc showed me a big thick file, which he pointed out was almost full. that is file book number 5.

every holiday season, i think of creating this big strange human brain type finale thing with all my social media sites, connected. like to create performance art, with my suicide as a final flourish. why i have this idea, who knows? i have always had a morbid sense of reality. i feel my life is over, so why not go out with it, and prove to the world how being full of meaning and depth and pain is too hard all alone.

if i had love and joy, i think i could be a good artist. i have creative ideas and i can draw and feel art all around me. i close my eyes and dance to my music, and light swathes swirl around me. to live in two worlds, is and odd way to be. i love the earth and animals, and believe we have another state of being.

please send help to expediate asap, universe!

2012-01-26T18:25:00.000-08:00

it is hard to type when i am feeling so ill and lost and spiraling out, only to slam back to reality and can't pay my bills and my psych doc just let me go. i knew it was gonna happen after they let my friend k go from this mental health clinic i have been going to since the 90s. i am having delayed reaction to it. sick and not sure what to do. i have been feeling myself being built up to something for months now. every christmas season i survive by will alone. i have been made redundant in this world. not sure how to drag myself out of this morass. i have shot myself in my own foot, i guess. i wanted to move on, and i can't get my social security anymore, then i am not sure if i can stay here in this apt building. i have been sorting through my things for weeks, trying to get rid of stuff so i can move on to another life.....where , i don't know, dammit

just an example of how my moods change from one minute to the next.....i have to write it down as i feel it.....it gets the vomit out....the friggin bile.....backed uppppppppppppppppppp

2012-01-15T07:50:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel so de~genderfied. don't care if it isn't a word. going with the flow of the universe. i have no gender. i check to see that, yeah, according to the mirror, i am a woman. what does that mean? why am i a woman and how did i end up here in this meat suit?
hey, why am i stuck in this thing? i want to move on and experience life and not be in a prison anymore. can i ditch this bag of bones and move on, please? she is a drag, just leave her behind. they will find her and it will be over and i will be gone then. we all have to leave sooner or later. we all have to ditch our bag of bones.....hahahaa flash on stephen king. i read a lot of his stuff as a teen. i always had this morbid sense of reality. i guess i am eccentric at that. i guess i should embrace it, auntie mame style. get more colorful and amazing as i get older. grandma moses type. georgia o'keefe type.

yeah, that will do me good, God! please send all my artist friends to me NOW, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen! I only ask what you promised in your solemn oath to your child. Ask anything in Jesus' name and it will be given to you.

Well, I am asking you, Oh God my Father.....send me my angels and send me my husband that will be good to me and heal me and love me and look after me. And make me strong in spirit and resolution to get WELL and HEAL from Bipolar Disorder and Depression. Grant me wisdom and fortitude and humor. Send me words to sing from my fingertips, and smiles to brighten my day. Heal and grant us all love and Peace and harmony.....God of the Universe. If this is real, and social media is world wide, I can reach you, God! I know it! I am positive and radiant and happy and joyous and silly funny happy happy joy joy joy!!!!!!!

god knows what i go through, at least. and my cats. they feel me. they know.

2012-01-15T07:33:00.000-08:00

sometimes i am amazed at what depth my depression reaches.....it starts a spiraling thought action that leaves me curled up in a ball, with a pillow over my head. i feel depressed and worthless, so i get angry with myself for not being stronger. then i feel anger because no one cares or is even vaguely interested in my illness. they couldn't care less. and then i feel embarassed to talk about the pain i go through, because i have then stigmatized myself to them, and they have judged me. then i judge myself and feel more depressed. so i try not to talk much about what i go through in my mind. i try not to let too much out. i put videos on facebook to show how i feel. i have realized that no one cares not even a little bit for me. i reject them before they reject me. they don't deserve my trust.

that is alright with me. i am strong and survive everything. i tilt at the windmill my own way. i am unique. i am sensitive and kind. animals love me. if they love me, then i am good. i don't need a human to validate my existence. i don't need a human to judge me and try and make me feel bad about myself. i hate humans. why would i want to be a part of this species? animals are much more sensitive and kind to me.
and men, i will never again trust in my life. i have not met one yet that hasn't lied to me. so, i am wiser now and know that i can go it alone. i will just get used to it..... being alone and lonely happens to many people. i know that. i just have to realize i can conquer my bad thoughts. i have to use my blog, because darkness swirls around in my head, tormenting me all the time.

i saw something crawling on the wall the other night. it was like a lizard or something. then i realized i must have hallucinated it. i live in a big city and am alone in my tower.....in my head......in my head inmyhead

Do you ever feel so low, that you have to ask Supernatural help?

2012-01-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

That is what I asked my therapist Jane. That is why I say positive things on my Facebook page. I send happy thoughts to the Universe and ask for happiness to return to me. I acknowledge God and use the internet as a conduit to the Cosmic Mind we all ultimately share.

I have to get well now, because I have something to share with the world. I am special and will overcome my depression. I have no depression. It is a word. It does not exist. According to Tom Cruise~ ahhahaha just making a comment on his little statement he made to the world about mental illness.

I am happy and going to great heights and authority! Everyone loves me. I am happy happy happy happy
God is sending me my other half. The love of my life. My husband. I will be married and living elsewhere by this time next year.

I am confident and employed in a good job that pays well. Everyone loves me and appreciates me and is kind to me.....

I will accomplish many things in my life, starting NOW!!!!!!! In Jesus' name!

Amen :))

do you really know when u r dying?

2012-01-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

i feel like i am building up to something. i feel like i am dying slowly from bipolar disorder and depression. i am in pain and feeling sick inside. i cry every day in the shower....that is a weird time for me. cuz i wake and bake. i go through a lot of anxiety, feeling so vunerable. naked and closed in behind my shower curtain. breathing in steam and feeling the warmth course down my body. i wake now in pain most days, and stiff. i frankenstein totter to the shower. looking for some warmth...my hot water hug.

i say positive things to myself, to fight bad scary thoughts. God washes me in warm golden light of protection....positive fights negative. like a car battery. don't cross the lines, or BOOM!

So yeah, God watches over me and protects me. I have found in a brutal way that life goes on no matter how low I can get. That my life drags on and stress and fear and why bother with all this shit?????

my face has totally changed. i am not me anymore. this is reality. this doesn't go away.

God pours warm golden protection of love over me....i soak in it and feel loved. I am confident and happy. I am smart and curious. I have a great sense of humor. I am beautiful and talented and feel great. I feel happy and well and prosperous.

Warm golden protective light bathes me, and washes away the fears and negativity. Down the drain....gone.....I am made whole and happy and confident. I am a strong woman. I can take care of myself. I can get a nice job and support myself and my cats. I can move where I want and buy a new car and set up my life where I want. I attract nice, happy, generous people to me that just wants to help and love me. Everyone will know my worth and feel happy to know me. I will always have happy good people in my life. That will look after me and love me. I will meet artists and musicians and will become an artist myself. I will learn to paint and be creative. I will get well!!

I am kind and sincere and feel good about myself. I will conquer this damn illness....it is gone. I need no medication. I am strong....I feel great. I feel wonderful! I am so smart and funny.....hahahahha my cats think so! What is so strange about this illness, is that I am totally cognizant of everything that I go through. The crazy hormones too.

God blesses me and will make me strong and financially independent.

Signing off soon~~

2012-01-13T13:16:00.000-08:00

I have to decide to leave this blog and delete it for good. It is too personal and I am ashamed of anyone knowing my thoughts and silly delusions of myself. I say things that could damage myself and get me thrown out of my apt and then I would be homeless. And that is what I always dread with big crying tears running down my face.....:((( I look out my window onto the busy LA street I live on, and see a homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk. He is a regular at this intersection my apt looks out on. He works the traffic light, panhandling. I have thought of would I do that if I get homeless? I saw a homeless woman working Lincoln Blvd the other day with her pet cat. A big sign and a big smile and looking run down and scruffy. Saying God Bless to everyone. I have the ability to imagine myself in her body, looking out at the world from her view....I am emphatic like that.

Now, I feel overwhelmed and sad and on the verge of giving up. I want to help homeless people and animals, but I am hideous and old now and my online lover thinks I look old now. I am dying from sadness now.
I am officially a hag. The guy I haven't talked to in months remarked about how I shouldn't lose any more weight or I will look older. I know I have been looking haggard in the past few months. It is now hitting me...fucking age. Getting old sux. You wake up old and un attractive and your life is over before it has even started. Yeah, well he was older looking too! His face was fatter and he had grey hair!

I had a young good looking man follow me into a clothing store the other day...so maybe I still have something left, but like my friend Liz says, men aren't even gonna look at us in 10 yrs....I hear that ringing in my head, thanks to her saying it a hundred times to me....yep the bloom is off the rose, and the decay and withering has become....I just wanna be creative and write and do good things and be happy and have some money. I hate being stressed out over money all the time.

I DEMAND money be drawn to me! I Demand happiness be drawn to me! I demand joy and trust and love and financial security and a home of my own....I Demand this in Christ's name! God wants me to be prosperous and happy and doing good with my life....if I demand what is rightfully mine by being a child of God, the Universe will listen and send it to me.

I demand in Christ's name, that my husband will come and find me and we will have a beautiful happy enriched life together. Always happy and creative and doing good and being grateful.....

Thank You God, for letting me experience this life. Thank you for my apt and my cats and the food I eat. Help me get on to my own two feet and find financial support....bring peace and happiness into my life......heal me Lord! I have to stay positive and only let people that love me into my life....

Bring beauty into my life, Lord! Bring great love and appreciation to me....I am worth it! I am part of you God, and I know you love me!!!! I fight bad thoughts with your help! I will try and keep this blog to help with my depression. It is no one's business if they don't approve of me! I am strong and beautiful and kind and loving and grateful. Thank you God! Amen

too shy too distrustful..too run over by life....yada yada yada..

2012-01-13T12:52:00.000-08:00

just change the hair color...sandi rella....ecentric aunt....silly woman

2012-01-13T12:49:00.000-08:00

Me Trying to Be Brave at Christmas~

2012-01-13T12:47:00.000-08:00

hate the way i look now. i've aged alot in the past few years...stressed out all the time and sad.

Happy 2012~

2012-01-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

My first new post of the new year....I am just going to say nothing but positive things to bring the Universe to me. I am cheerful, happy person that has many many friends. I am kind and positive and interesting. I love animals and art and being creative. I have joy in my heart, and God loves me and looks after me. I am going to find a way to make good money so I can support myself and my cats. I will have a great and productive year and will meet my husband this year. My soul mate. My love of my life. My other half...he and I will have a happy, fulfilling life together, and will travel all over the world and have great adventures and see many awesome things together. Together, he and I will do good things with our lives~helping others and animals. We will accomplish a lot together, and will be Blessed by God....

I am kind
I attract money to me. I am blessed with prosperity.
I attract a good man to me. He will be ideal for me and we will be in love and happy with each other.
I love animals.
I have many friends.
I am intelligent
I am witty
I am a great writer and traveler
I am in great health
I am very happy always
I am always creative and upbeat and esoteric
I will do God's work
I am getting married to the love of my life
I will live in a beautiful home with a nice garden
My husband and I will have a child together
My husband and I and our child will travel the world over
Everyone I meet loves me
God looks after me

I will always win in every situation that presents it self to me
God blesses me~~~~~~~~~!!
Thank you, God!

me on fb

2011-12-28T19:15:00.000-08:00

i am so disappointed. i had a really long timeline, going all the way back to when i started on fb. i changed to the new updated timeline profile, and i have lost so many of my esoteric signs that i commented on and time stamped.....i lost a lot of pages....i can't figure out how to get my original page back....oh well, i tried....i do get messages...i really do....

eccentric aunt cat lady~~

2011-12-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

that is better adjective.......i think it is an adjective.....

major crying jag.....cried so much i felt sick and threw up. i just don't understand how to get my life moving again...i am so inert and fearful and self loathing.....i am ashamed of myself for letting it take over my life. it has. it has taken over. i have let my illness take my life over. i don't know how to get started again, and am depressed because i have to start all over again at age 52. hormones make me miserable too...i have pms every month and heavy periods....feel sick all the time and depressed and sad. don't feel well enough to go out and pursue anything. it is a big drain on my psyche. to feel terrible about myself all the time.

and then my neurotic friends come round and unload their shit onto me....can't stand my life anymore. i need to move on with my life somehow, or let bipolar depression kill me....i go through this every christmas season. feel like my life is totally over now. too depressed to make an effort to meet men, and don't trust men anyway, so it is useless to bother with it.....lonely and sad, growing old alone. i wish i could move back to florida and live on the coast and meet nice friends .....i am so done with LA.....men are selfish pigs here.....or is it just me? they see a vunerable woman that is nice and takes advantage and i let them????? yeah good one....so i quit dating 3 years ago......i am screwed up and just want happiness...what the hell? why did i let my life get fucked up like this? what the hell is wrong with me??????

eccentric cat auntie~~

2011-12-28T18:35:00.000-08:00

yep that is me....i realized so bluntly accompanying my friend to her family functions how redundant i have become. total joke....face is changing and getting deep wrinkles, body changing...slumping forward and depressed looking....where is the pretty gal from bama? i am her aged and dour grandma...sour old biddy....hatin' life.

if i meant something to anyone in this world, i would imagine i would be contacted and told i matter. not to kill myself....not curl up and die....i have no idea how i am gonna take care of myself anymore. i have given up. don't trust anyone. especially men. feel alien and stupid in this world. feel lost and alone and use god as a crutch to feel better. smoke weed to get things done. spiraling down into a pit of despair......can't support myself anymore. can't take care of myself anymore. i am so alone and i can't stand to be in social gatherings.....i have to drink and get high to function around here.....sad oh sad.....i miss my lost love from 6000 miles away, but at the same time, i hate him and want nothing to do with him.

iran is gonna nuke somebody anyway, and it's all gonna be on for champagne supernova in the sky......or maybe north korea....bunch of fucking psychos in this world! so ironic.....the world is so beautiful, but so violent.....we are all on the food chain....dog eat dog god eat god........i wish i knew a lover who cared about what i say.....someone that told me he cared what i thought about....someone who appreciated art and culture and is sexy and funny and kind and intelligent......
c'est le vie as they say.....that is life......u don't always get what u want.....u get what u need.....righ, mick? yeah baby...he is a good strutter!

if this is real, then my helpers would be here by now

2011-12-28T11:43:00.000-08:00

i am hating life right now. i can see how delusional i have been....i am a big loser. that is why i think i have become 'spiritual'. because i can't face up to what a failure i am. i am a big zero, and can't deal with that notion, so i start getting grandiose illusions of myself changing the world somehow. the truth is, and u know it, sandi, is no one cares. that is it in a nut shell. u r alone and will always be alone. u r mental. no one wants u. u r nothing and a big loser....

i just don't know what is going to become of me....the bloom is off the rose.....i am old and unattractive now. sad and blue and depressed. i wasted my life. i want to leave this world soon.....i can't stand this reclusive depressing life anymore. it is no life. i just exist. that is all.

blue holidays

2011-12-28T08:34:00.000-08:00

went with my friend to dinners that her family prepared this holiday season. i forced myself to go. her family is nice for the most part. but i am so sad that i am totally alone again and too poor to get my life moving forward. i hate the holiday season. it is torture. and my so called "friends" that acted like they wanted me and then forget me can all go to hell. i hate u all....bastards....

and it is over...

2011-12-19T19:50:00.000-08:00

u know i don't know why i have this urge to tell people about being bipolar. many people before me has already done it... it must be part of my illness to feel like this. that i have to share. it is strange to feel like this. to me, i am not just bipolar, but a conduit for a spiritual force. am i part shizophrenic? when i meet fellow fisher kings, i can see they are touched like me...by what? insanity? or are they seeing the other side like me??? i live with two feet in different worlds....i told my psych doc i live on another dimension, and he agreed....maybe i should have been a scientist and studied the brain....i have delusions of grandeur too, being bipolar. i know i am intelligent, but never knew what to do with it. never had any self esteem. never had any direction in my life...i just drifted along like a leave on a forest stream...i get up and dance to rock music...i am still moving at my age of 52, but i am slowed down alot. i can't move like i used to.....that is sad for a dancer. when i danced onstage, i barely touched to floor....i have always been light on my feet....oh how i would love to have a beautiful sexy husband take me dancing! a lovely, interesting, happy and handsome man that loved me and looked after me! i cry for lost love and lost happiness.....

so i find all these videos on you tube that put into art how i feel being bipolar. so what i say isn't news. how i suffer isn't news. so i quit going on about it. there are others out there worse off than me.

i will just continue being esoteric and writing down when i get my messages from the universe, and maybe someone will take note one date to listen to me...i don't even care anymore. i am sick and tired. and worn out like an old dish rag. i told my friend last night that i am like the old bent lady that lived in a shoe..can't pay the rent and don't know what to do....got no children but plenty of cats......old bent lady that lives in a shoe.....

I am here God, where are YOU??????

2011-12-19T19:09:00.000-08:00

I just wanna state how much I hate humanity. I know, there are good people out there. I know, I am in a mood, but I just wanna put down my thoughts. Just to let someone know how much I am tortured by them.
But yeah, I hate humanity. I am depressed and sad and lonely. I can't stand thinking about how happy other people are, and how they get through their lives with a song on their lips. For the most part, anyway. There must be happy people out there somewhere.....I have never known happiness my whole life. Kinda absurd to keep hoping and praying for it. Just give up, Sandi and let it kill you. Life is brutal and then u die.

I just wanna state how much I hate my so - called friends too. They say they care, and then act cold to me. Go to hell, all of u!!!!! These are my internet friends. I have never actually met them, but since I am online all the time, these voices from somewhere out there on the web chat with me. I know they are real people in other countries, but when i am just chatting by typing each other, it is to me like the computer is talking to me...hard to describe. I have a vivid imagination, and I have strange dreams and thoughts anyway, so it is not hard to imagine these voices are just figments of my imagination.

See, I slip into delusions sometimes. Though when I am in them, I am aware of it. I watch myself and study what I am saying. I wonder if Freud ever watched himself silently like that? There are so many levels to conciousnesses and dimensions. I can't spell anymore, apparently, so I wish I had a spell check on this blog. Writing on my blog helps get some of this negative energy out of my head. I stay online too much and look a wizened old biddy, bent over painfully at my desk, typing away....hahahha

I subscribed to Carrie Fisher's Facebook page, and make comments on her time line, wondering if she will actually read what I have to say. I predict she will find me one day, cuz I am interesting and she needs to chat about her disease like I do. Or needs a non judgemental friend to emphathize about being bi polar. Am I being delusional thinking this? Will talking about God get me anywhere with this?

See, I know I have bipolar and deslusions, but I am sane and observant of my condition. I want to help others with mental illness. There is a stigma to admitting being mentally ill, and I have lost friends before when I say I suffer depression and talk about what I go through. So, I stay to myself and try not to stand out in a crowd. I am paranoid and ultra aware of myself and how foolish I look. I don't want people to look at me and judge me. I am ashamed of my illness. I am embarassed by it. No one seems to care that I have told, anyway. They think there must be something wrong with me and my character instead of trying to understand me. So I am a recluse and sad and crying and alone.......merry fucking whatever.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate everyone on this planet. i hate u ...doesn't matter. there are so much evil and putrid deeds out there, i think everyone else hates humanity too.....life is a fucking bore!!!!

The clincal nerdy part of me with the horn rimmed glasses and clipboard studies my out bursts and crying fits and checks off....makes a note, says hmmmm, and silently agrees. life really is a bore. nerdly sandi turns on her heel, white coat flapping behind her...click click click....down the asylum hallway....nerdly sandi wears sensible but sexy heels.... :)

And A Brutal Christmas to u too!!

2011-12-18T17:20:00.000-08:00

Yet another year alone. No home, no family, no husband....can't say no home. I have a nice one bedroom apt with cheap rent....just meant house...family....me and mine....me as mom...loving husband....is that just a dream to me?????? I am cat mom now. Eccentric aunt who never married or had kids...scares the hell out of me....seeing the years yawning towards me like a never ending hallway in horror movies....me myself and i alone traveling it...sick in my head at the thought. Mental disease....sick oh sick oh sick....i maintain though. I try and keep my thoughts to myself. Just let it out here on my blog.

Last year on my profile on Tagged, I asked friends not to send me Christmas comments, because it hurt too much. Reminded me of what I didn't have. Same ole same ole now.....Same as always, it seems. Never ending pain.....Still thinking the same thing now as then. Hoping for a life beyond what I have now. Being loved. Getting stronger.....feeling better and know happiness....Still yearning for it like every other year. Knowing now that I will never have a child. My body is changing and I go through crazy hormones from hell.....I have let my biological clock run out....

Now the person I really cared about has a live in girlfriend. He made sure to tell me twice that she is 33....yeah I fucking heard u the first time! So what!? I know u miss me anyway. U and I have things in common. We are both creative and sensitive. Both artists. U can't deny ur soul mates!!!!

I have been very low....I just stay high to numb myself to it....drink wine and get messed up....eccentric aunt with cats.....I try and focus on Jesus and that to stay positive. It is Christmas, and I have forced myself to go to family parties with my friend L. It's her family. Not mine. I haven't seen mine in years. I am afraid my mama is gonna pass on without me ever seeing her again...

I try to think of Jesus and have been looking up Christmas songs to put on my Facebook page. Watching them and feeling how much I love God and how this year is ending and I am hoping for a better one in 2012. Then, I get scared cuz everyone says the world is ending on Dec 21, 2012.....Champagne Supernova in the SKY>>>>>>>>>>>>

I try to leave hints for everyone to get my messages that I pass on from the Universe. I try and think of good things at Christmas.....it is so sad...all the bad things in this world that happens.....terrible things...every year, Christmas is a HOPE FOR US ALL.....a renewal...a new beginning.....

I go and cut up potatoes and onions to cook, and think of stabbing myself in the neck and ending it all. I stare at the blade flashing in my hands.....water pouring over it, as I wash the knife to put away.....I have bad thoughts so much.....they are like torture to me......and nightmares when I sleep.....I never feel peace.......I want to be happy like everyone else......

God looks after me when I am sick and when I am high.....I smoke to feel better, and feel seperated from my bodily pain enough to just be taken along for the ride..... in other words, my body moves, and I, being trapped inside here in this body, has to follow along.......I move around and cook and clean with I am smoking cannibis......so God takes over when I am high...he looks after me....if I don't smoke, I just rot on my couch.....rot rot rot....I want to make a difference in this world......it is getting too late for me.....I am aging and see it everyday now.....i need help now, Lord! Send my helpers to me and get me out of this place....I am ready to move on.......

NOEL NOEL>>>>>>>>>>> Christ is born~~~~~~~~~

Curling inward~~

2011-12-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

It is hard for me to write much these days. I self medicate all the time. I am pretty much horrified at my life and how I am growing old alone, that I have gone off the deep end.....can't seem to drag myself out of it. I try, but it never seems to get me very far. Quagmire.....I have given up trying to decide if I am special or not. That I have a message to send out, and that I have tapped into other voices from other worlds.....or more precisely, dimensions.....not sure....just know there is a spiritual realm there to tap into, if we all focus our minds and hearts on saving this world, and banishing hate.....

Anyway, I try and get out sometimes, but I have to make myself do it....I can only say that God gets me ready and presentable to meet humans.....I am a shrinking violet that must get blotto to function in reality. And since I self medicate, I become esoteric and get my messages from God and try and date and time stamp them to prove it really happened to me.....I try to tell the world that what I say is important, but get disappointed when I get no notice.....so, I curl inward and battle through life alone......I do try to get out sometimes, but it is so hard. It is much easier to give into this inertia and curl inward into a tight little ball and die.....I think I am letting bipolar depression kill me. I think it is time....I think I can't take this anymore.

Deny me three times, Peter? ~~J, my hollish friend, u know u can fight it, but u will come back to me. I will just ignore til then.

And I watch these timely documentaries, about how cannibis can stop pain and is useful to cancer patients. I know I need it to function, but I have a problem self medicating too much. If it were in a pill form, maybe I could control it by dosage. I wake up in the morning, all bent over and in pain, and feel sick and depressed. When I smoke, I start moving around and doing stuff. Cleaning my place, organizing...creative things.....so cannibis makes me feel better too. I can function and get things done, and be numb at the same time. REALITY is way too harsh for me....CHECK PLEASE!
And I have this spiritual dimensional quality to cannibis, as well as mood lifting and pain killing .....
I just with God would send my important friends to me and let them help me!!!!!!

Paranoid and delusional in an un kind world....

2011-12-01T18:28:00.000-08:00

If this is real, then God will send someone to help me....I am dying slowly from bi polar disorder and depression. I want to help people with mental illness, so I write on my blog to tell the world how people with bipolar disorder live on another plane of existence......the real world is too frightening and huge and crowded and confusing.....too noisy....i retreat with medical marijuana. It activates something in my brain...I almost immediately get up and moving, and cleaning my place. I have many knick knacks, and i am bad allergies, so all this stuff accumulates dust that is really thick. I live on a very busy street, and get lots of dust and soot coming in my window....so I get up and cleaned for 2 days and still and straightening and cleaning....so it takes lots of mental work vs. my high allergies.....I have allergies, but I smoke pot. I get very esoteric and high, and see lots of messages in the cachophony of life.....I view the internet as a message port to the world, and I enjoy being creative on it.....no one listens yet, so I date and time stamp stuff.....trying to write this myself is very hard....i need an assistant or new computer with speech recognition software....I have a big brain and must learn much to become plugged in! I need access to higher technology to speak about creativity......yeah I like being a writer and artist, but my body is way behind my racing brain.....I am aging fast the past few years and my looks are changing into old lady hood.....so goodbye beautiful looks, and hello being spiritual or go insane.....luckily, i have a med marijuan card.....but this time i am gonna try and stay off it....but it does get me functioning....I can deal with life better with pot.....side effects, i get PaRaNoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddd in a big way....and yesterday, my kitten Elvis stressed me out....he is very curious and is always right where I am, like a little one year old child
!!!!! He has to watch every thing, and I turn my back for one second, and he immediately jumps up on the stove with boiling water......sitting right next to it! I pick him up and he is warm from sitting so close!!!!!
yesterday, I was cleaning non stop, and stopped to heat up some pasta....elvis my kitten is walking all over the counter tops as usual....I am trying to get him to listen to me...I say get down! and point to the floor...he knows what i am doing, but he likes to eat and is very naughty kitty.....so he crawls into my micro wave right as i am about to nuke my pasta.....ahhhhhhh I had all theses horrible thoughts from all these horror movies i watch.....or hear from urban legends.....or that it really DOES happen in real life......and I was very high and fumbling around....but that tripped me out....I felt myself falling into another reality....I felt like I had crossed over to another side....I get delusional I don't know....
So, I dragged my kitten Elvis out of the microwave and drop him to the floor, and he disappears out the door....and i put my pasta back into the micro wave...but when i went to start the oven..i was thinking...is this real??? or am i dreaming???? cause being high as chronically as i get.....i live in my own head....
i am on auto matic pilot and get stuff down in this reality......the brutal 3 dimensional world.....money rules the world here.....people are cruel and sadistic here....poverty is dragging me under the water.....feel like I am drowning in the dark waters.....and want to drown.....and dream every night of running away and living by peaceful seas or serene waters.....baptismal.....
Sometimes I drop hints to dichiper...but I am tired and dying and shriveling into old lady eccentric aunt cat lady tomb.....I forget how to spell, obviouosly....but pot brings me esoteric psychosis..say what u will, but I would rather be esoteric and artistic and living in other realities, than to date brutal reality on a daily basis.....everyone has to do it, and it is a cruel harsh world....dog eat dog god eat god.....
The winds here howled all around my building last night....howled and whistled tunes like a human, and clicked and sounded like humans talking....spooky and scary.....i stayed out my bedroom cause that was where it was most noisy........so being esoteric and living in two realities, i see signs or hear cues from the tv or music....it just jumps right out at me, cause i am so sensitive.....winds of change......the moon just moved into Aguarius....Age of Aquarius.....I am just saying....I wish someone would care about what I think.....I am intelligent but dying....oh I hear whistling outside again...627 pac st time....supposed to be windy again tonight.....

Angel out...

2011-11-26T15:34:00.000-08:00

I have been going through a lot in the past few months, and have let this depression that is killing me slowly to take over. I am aging a lot...I look a lot different now...time is written on my face and in my heart....
Just gotta say that I have so many esoteric messages..I try to time stamp them or get witnesses to see what I am seeing.....things happen for me, and I know I am getting messages from another plane of existence. Believe me, I question it is real too, so that is why I try to get witnesses. I need an assistant now, Lord. Someone to help me. I am ill and need healing by YOU....I want to finish my blog up and get it out to every one. that there is life out there we can communicate with. That we can control our thoughts for the good of mankind....take yoga classed, commune with nature, be artistic and creative in every thing u do....love one another....take care of one another. we are all special in the EYES of GOD......he views the world through us all....we are his nerve cells......ask rheinold bonnke....i forget his name. but someone told him that jesus lives in ur heart but sometimes needs to look out the windows of ur eyes.....
anyway, back later....it is very tiring to feel like this.....i am fading fast.....

Oh and thank u Father for the beautiful sunset for me the other night....I got my neighbor Steve to witness it, though it was disapating by the time he say it.....
I saw it all..drinked it in......it had been raining all day and I had stayed in bed all day, depressed....I go out into the hallway to take the kitties for a run, and caught the most magficent sunset i have witnessed in ages......boiling rain clouds in the distance, over the ocean...2 groups of birds, wheeling at different heights in the distance....sun bleams blazing out between a rift in the grey clouds....so beautiful....

and way off in the distance...heading almost directly into the sun beams and what looks like HEAVEN to me, an arrow >>>>>>>>> of birds flew western ward into the crack....awesome!!! It was very 3 dimensional too.....very esoteric looking.....like it was a message for me....and when i get back online, i see immediately a photo of jim morrison on my news feed, and he had a message for me....date and time stamped.....i need a new computer Dear Lord, and an assistant to clean and be a friend and be trusted by me....oh, as i was saying. I had been chatting about Jim Morrison, and how I liked his music so much, and had added videos.....so, I see the awesome sunset, then I come back and see jim's message....see I need someone to take this down as I say it....so it will be in real time....I will try and write more later and get caught up.....

Happy Autumn.....God is Good...

2011-10-03T14:20:00.000-07:00

Bad day today........fuck they multiply.....build one on top of the other......stacked to Heaven..........I feel so friggin depressed. Scared. don't know what's gonna happen to me. Sick from fear and depression. Tired all the time.....have to smoke to feel better......feel physically illlllllllllllllll yeah all the time....I feel myself sinking for sure...I feel so hopeless.....reclusive...black cloud covering me ....horrible..........bad dreams....so sad. I just want to be normal and happy.

Hormones gone wacko....

2011-09-16T23:01:00.000-07:00

I just turned 52, and I suppose I have been going through menopause for about 10 yrs now. Or peri~menopause, to be exact. Now I have PMS and depression every month. And have heavy periods. My doc said I could either have a hysterectomy, or just wait til I go into full menopause. I never feel good ever. And I get so moody before my cycle...I just feel awful and think bad thoughts.....feel ill all over. Been self medicating a lot to ease the pain, but conversely, when I smoke, it makes me more depressed. Or more hopeless. I smoke to alleviate pain and sadness, but get more sad but also not so in pain. It is hard to say.....I just want happiness in my life, and I have given up.....

hahahaaha this is my new kitten Elvis.....

2011-09-15T16:19:00.001-07:00

Animal Therapy

2011-09-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

Well, i spent yet another summer alone here in my apt. Spent another birthday alone. I am sad today. I have gone back to self medicating every day, and wake up feeling hung over every day. I feel sick all the time, so I keep self medicating. blah blah blah who cares...I know I mean nothing is this world. Whatever.

Just wanted to make a comment that I have a new kitten named Elvis, and he is a little scamp. He makes me laugh when I feel miserable and alone. He and my other cat Tigger get along good. They wrestle and chase each other. Maybe my older cat Sugar that died in June sent him to me. He was all wormy and covered in fleas, so I know he is happier now, after I got his shots and got rid of his worms. They sure made me sick, dealing with them every day.

We have another inspection here where I live next Monday. That makes 3 or maybe 4 since June. I live in Gestapo state! It stresses me out a lot. I just want happiness, and I have given up on that possibility.

At least they let us have pets here. I can't stand my life totally alone, so my cats help me emotionally to deal with things. Elvis likes to knock over all my plants though!

With God, You Are Not Alone

2011-09-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

I was just looking at this Christian Singles' chat room on Face Book, and saw this quote...it made me feel a bit better....I have to remember that no matter how scared or sick or depressed and hopeless I feel, God is with me......Jesus died for my sins and loves me......gotta remember that. Remembering that makes me feel a little stronger......

Are you terrified of being alone? Does an empty house or apartment cause you to switch on the television, radio or CD player just to create some sound? Here's a truth that will take time to appreciate: The more intimate your relationship with God, the more comfortable you'll be when you're alone. That's because a person in a deep, heartfelt relationship with God interprets aloneness as solitude. Solitude is time spent alone with God. When you invite God into your life, you'll begin to sense a real, palpable presence. In the quiet, in the solitude, God will speak to you. He will do it through his Word, the Bible, or impressions or leading. You won't hear an audible voice. If you want a personal, intimate relationship with God, you have to make time to be alone with him. As that relationship grows, your aloneness will turn into solitude. You'll begin to understand that you are never really alone.

Yeah, but God, I want my mate to find me now, please. All the pastors I listen to says to remind You, Lord, of what you promised me. That whatever I ask for from You in Jesus' name, I will receive. You know, Father, that I am lonely and sad and want love in my life. That I need someone to help me and look after me. That I want a wonderful, loving, spiritual, creative, attractive, generous, funny, adventurous, intelligent, faithful, kind man to love me and protect me and give me a lovely home to live in...maybe we could even have a kid or two.....someone that is interested my history and art and travel and science, and cross word puzzles, and classic movies and watching jeopardy to shout out answers with me. Someone who will understand my moods and hold my hand and never let go of me.....Someone I can trust with my life....Always there and caring for me....
and handsome.....and sweet. And giving and caring....and manly. Someone I feel attraction for and he returns it...Someone to make me laugh.....Please, I want to laugh and enjoy life here on Earth....

This I ask You Father God, in Jesus Christ's Name....Amen....xx

Now, Please send him Father?!! I need some help in my life. I am tired of going it alone in everything I do.....I need my mate, Heavenly Father....thank you.

Depression Kills....

2011-09-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

It is true. It is killing me slowly. I can't bear it anymore. I feel so ill all the time. Like I am on my way out of this life. Just walking a little ways makes me feel sick. I have to force myself out to do things. And I self medicate constantly. I wish I didn't have to do that. When I run out, I say to myself that I quit and I gotta get my shit together so I can get clean in case I find a job I want to apply for....But then I wake up feeling awful. Aching all over, feeling bleah.....so I self medicate again...

Last night, taking a shower, I realized I get things done...even in my depressed/manic/sometimes delusional state of mind. I reviewed what had transpired from the time I got up, and I had to feel like I had to have accomplished something, at least......yeah, yeah, I know, I am a loser..I don't have a job and I live on the state, etc.....I tell myself I gotta get a live all the time. The amount of fear I have thinking of it paralyzes me into in action. All I can do is baby steps these days. Which is too bad, cuz I was a good worker and honest and dependable.

My car is in the shop right now, getting a new engine, so I had to go to the grocery store to buy supplies by walking there. I pulled along my old lady buggy behind me to put my groceries in. Spent too much money there, so I know I got over draft charges, but I don't like walking back and forth to the store when I feel weak, so whatever...I didn't care at that moment. Any way, the point is, I made myself take a shower and put on a little make up and don one of my sun dresses to walk there. I have to force myself to do anything, I am so lethargic, and there has been many times I never wore make up or get decently dressed, or BATHE for that matter, cuz depression kills every good thought you have....you just exist from day to day, in pain, waiting to die....
So, as I was pushing the old lady buggy full of groceries home yesterday, I thought for the millionth time of how easy it is to end up in the street, homeless, pushing my belongings along in a shopping cart. Eating out of a garbage can. Pan handling for money. Doing drugs and drinking to escape........................................
.....I am crying huge tears thinking of it......so scared. I don't wanna die alone and old.....I pass this homeless guy that is always living/hiding in this little dent in this building...you can tell he's out there, out in space somewhere, by just looking at him. Filthy from head to toe....grime smeared all over his face, and him staring Heaven ward, in a moment with God. He is oblivious of me walking by. I am getting messages from God myself again. What do they say in the Bible? Be aware of everyone and how you treat them, because you may be in the company of angels....something like that. I have to look up the exact saying.
His face is so grimy with soot and greasy oil, that his blue eyes look piercing, staring up into Heaven. He is so dirty, he is one color, all over...even his clothes.....pure filth. I am a bit frightened of him, so try to not get his attention as I lean into my buggy and push harder to get past him. But you know what? A big crack in the sidewalk dipped my buggy, and some of my food fell out on the side walk.

So I think, "Does this mean I should stop and give him food because he is hungry?" Because I could. I could give him a bagel and a bottle of water and maybe a piece of fruit. I have it all there in my shopping buggy. I had stopped before on another day when I had passed him, and gave him a dollar....but I was too scared to get his attention this time, so I just kept walking on, letting him starve and be thirsty...I am evil and selfish sometimes.....I just feel so paranoid when I am out walking in this busy, huge city. I hear so much about women getting abducted and crime, etc...that I would rather have my car to take me places than me being scared of getting my purse snatched or some mental case attack me....it happens! If I had a big body guard escort me, I would like helping homeless people. But me doing it alone...I feel really vunerable. And I have been beaten up and put in the hospital before by an abusive ex, so I have never really gotten over it, even after over a decade.......
And as I got to this secluded bit of the street, and young guy came walking towards me. I tell myself not to be scared..and I say I will kick him in the head if he tries and robs me. And I keep walking right towards him, not stopping.....he is just normal, and passes by me to walk in the opposite direction. But I at least hit back at my fear. I didn't turn and run....sometimes living me vs the world is hard....don't know what to believe anymore. Don't trust my own judgement about anything...I don't want to be a bag lady pushing a shopping cart~~~~that, I KNOW...!!!!!!!!!!

Some Improvement To Cerebral Cortex.......

2011-08-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

That title is a joke. Sometimes I have strange little thoughts.. so I am gonna try and jot them down to show how a bipolar mind in manic phase works. Little a computer gone haywire...thoughts race back and forth forth and back. upppssie doosie.......whoooooooooo and then a profound thought on why was I created and why me, and why can't I feel better? I tell everyone I just want to be normal. I have been manic since Monday last, which was my bday.....I self medicate you see, and that is the only thing that seems to get me moving and out of the doldrums and pit of despair. With a couple of tokes, something clicks and my brain starts functioning and I am MELLOW. YELLOW MELLOW. THEY CALL ME MELLOW YELLOW......but smoke is therapeutic to me. I get active, I start cleaning, I pace back and forth a lot, but I do things while I am pacing. Cleaning. organizing, thinking creative thoughts that are stifled in my waking life.....In my dreams, I have very vivid dreams every night, and most of them are not pleasant....I wake up in a cold sweat, drenched all over in water risen from my pores. I could swim in my own bodily water, I feel so drenched. I have to take off my pajamas and change, cuz the sweat turns icy cold....Sometimes I sleep on towels to save my sheets.....so smoke makes me manic and I dance dance dance to rock music, writing down lyrics, and seeing life from another dimension. I told my doc all this today. I went to see him and was dresssed all trendy and purple all over. But nicely done. I have designer in me.. I am using color therapy and aroma therapy today on myself. I am an artist, and when I am manic, I am me again when I was younger. Flamboyent, colorful. Purple is my color. Royal Purple for the Lioness. August 22. In numerology, double numbers are more powerful. And purple attracts prosperity, so I was pretty purpled up today... Riding the bus, being colorful. Latins surrounding me on the public transit system. They are nice people. They are just trying to get by just like we all are. They come to this country for a better life. Can't blame them for that. LA is multi~cultural city. ..Anyway, later I will make other remarks.......but I can say that when I get animated and manic, it is like Lazuras returning from the dead. I am that depressed and out of it when I get ill....nothing reaches me. I hate the world and humanity and even God or maybe it is the God in me, that I don't know how to reach and I get frustrated being poor and sad, and angry and jealous and hateful and mean hearted.....I wanna try and reach God inside .....I tell him that I need his help getting through the day and I am weak and I need some positive people in my life or I am going dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnn CIRCLING THE DRAIN....CIRCLING , CIRCLING.......gone. So I prefer being animated....transplanting plants at 3 or 4 in the morning. Watching Sci Fi channel or History Channel...cuz they intrique me. And I dance and dance and clean and organize and think plots of movies and how I want Meg Ryan to play me ....my therapist looks at me like I am nuts when I say I have something to say and need to put out a message for the mentally ill people of this world.......and poor.....and scared. And abused. And hopeless....And evil and Ambivalent.......There is a God, and He Loves You.....And be creative to reach the other level of understanding......Peace Out, World.....xx

Life sux

2011-08-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say I have been fuming for weeks now. Mad at the world. Mad at Nico. I told him off, and called his bitch a russian skank whore. He deserved it. He said he could never forgive me. I told him I don't need his stupid forgiveness. What about me forgiving him for stringing me along for months and months, and then wanting me to stay flirting and chatting with him, after he has moved in with her? I told him to go to hell. I just hate everyone right now. My car is broken down again, and I think I will have to try and sue the place that fixed it. Except they didn't fix it at all, and I paid them 700 dollars for the shitty job they did. I am sick of people treating me bad and taking advantage of me!!!! And I ran into Carlos, my ex, one day, and he was a complete and total asshole....I don't know what I did to deserve all the shit I go through, but I've had enough of it!!!!!!!!!! Damn all of u losers to HELL!! I am sick of it! I am even mad at God right now.

One good thing, is I got a new kitten, but he has worms and need his shots, and I am broke as usual. Fuck it all!!!!!

My birthday is in a couple of days, and I am sure I will spend it alone as usual.....fuck it allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll I feel like screaming my head off, but it won't do any good.

Bi Polar Bitch From Hell....

2011-08-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

I have gone off my soberity, and when I do that, I get even worse. The depression I feel is debilitating. I can't stand life anymore. i told my doc that it is like having 6 movies i have playing in my head all at the same time.

Alone Again, Naturally....

2011-07-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

I told my doc today that I can't stand my life anymore and the depression I feel constantly. He asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital to get electric shock therapy. I don't know about that. If my life would improve, I would be better I hope. But being alone and lonely all the time is too much. I have completely given up on meeting my mate. There is no such person. Only men I don't want or who don't want me. I try to talk about what pain I go through, and no one wants to know. In fact, it puts people off me. They go away and it is over.

Goodbye My Italian Heart. I am done with u.

2011-07-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

Well I gotta say that I find out who my real friends are when I tell them I am suffering from bipolar and can't take the depression anymore........yeah that's right. They f~ing disappear on me. I am crying my eyes out, and no one cares. They just go away and don't wanna know me. Thanks World. NO Thank You, Los Angeles! Rudest City in America! No one cares in this town. I am totally invisible when I walk Venice Beach or go anywhere in this city. Only the fellow odd balls like me seek me out. The off kilter ones.........Fisher Kings.

If I felt better, I would write more about it, but I can only do short spurts of writing these days. Just gotta say World, I am gonna be leaving u soon. It is too real for me here. Too 3 dimensional. I need to fly and not feel fear anymore. I am tired of being scared and lonely. And nothing.

So, do I do what I have been thinking of doing all these months? Make my 4 social networks aware of my blog and I become bipolar angel of LA, or I get put away somewhere? hahahahaha I am so clever that I make myself laugh. My friends have told me I should be on stage cuz what I say is so funny.....see, I am aware of my mental illness. I am not stupid. Quite the opposite. I want to help people get well from mental illness. I want them to know they are special and don't give up hope. I fight those feelings every day of my miserable life.
When I am manic or unstable I feel creative and prophetic. I think all sorts of thoughts....

I have suicidal thoughts 24/7, I think. To Be Or Not To Be.......

I just told Nico that I can't stand this anymore. That I feel suicidal. I tell him I love him. He says that love is an important word. And that I am special to him. Oh whoopee. Big f~ing deal. Oh yeah, I forgot. He has a lover now and is engaged. Oh my bad...I back up. Ok Nico, on that note I leave u. I am done with u. He says he can't control the heart and what it wants. Skank whore Russian bitch is what u want Nico? I hope she hurts u so much!

No one can tell me they love me. They just go away.....maybe I am a leper when I say I am sick and need help. Maybe they don't care..........Maybe I die I don't care. I love God but hate life. How do I solve this dilemma???????

I Am Mary Magdalene today.....

2011-07-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

Or that is what I told my friends today, walking to church. We are the modern day women disciples that looked after Jesus. Come on Jesus, we'll feed ya! Come on Babe." That is what I really said. I almost had to crawl there cuz I have been self medicating for over a month now, every day.

Anyway, I am having some kind of esoteric dilemma these days. To Be Or Not To Be...every day.....Jesus, are u real? Jesus, do u exist? I would say to u that I am ready for u to come for me. I can't take this pain anymore. I tell my friends that I feel like I am dying.....or I say I am gonna commit suicide. I am listening to the movie, St Paul of Tarsus on TBN Christian Channel....I am very interested in how the society lived back in Jesus' time. For these disciples to happily go to their gruesome deaths because they BELIEVED JESUS IS GOD IN THE FLESH. That He came down to our level to talk about LOVE, BEAUTY, FORGIVENESS, FAITH, AND LIFE AFTER DEATH. ANOTHER REALM. ANOTHER REALITY. I do believe their is another realm. I am frightened I will miss it....Heaven, Nirvana, Elysian Fields, Never Never Land.....Alice down the rabbit hole.......

Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. Not just when someone is hurtful to u, but in ur life as well....He says not to worry.....that it will not add one more minute to ur life. Be at Peace and know God Loves His Creations....I bet Atheists wouldn't die for their believes!!! I have noticed that atheists are not as kind or happy as Christians...they have more of a sarcastic view of the world. That is what I observed from things I have read by atheists.

Some times I can't get to church cuz of my depression. But the last 2 times I went, I feel like I have been getting messages. Hearing things I need to hear to keep me going. Cuz I really am feeling suicidal. I am not growing old, alone and poor. No thank you! Check, please!!!!!!

So do I become part of the church and pursue Jesus and try and get well, or do I let myself die from bipolar depression???? Do an Amy Winehouse? I just feel I can die anyway. Age is creeping up on me. My depression has worn my body down....

Any way.....I find ancient history very stimulating. So I enjoy hearing stories of Jesus and his disciples, and the society he had to endure just because HE SAID HE IS GOD. And how he appeared to 500 people after his death. How his words have endured all these centuries......how Saul became Paul....he was so sure that Jesus spoke to him on the road to Damascus, he became a believer and traveled miles and miles to preach Jesus' words. And endured all the pains and tortures he had inflicted previously on Christians.....Pretty Awesome, Jesus!

Last week's sermon at my church, Core Church LA.....Jesus said not to worry....
This week's sermon.....I forget at the moment, cuz I get short term memory loss when I self medicate...oh yeah, the pastor said that Jesus loves all of us...even nobodies like me. That he wants us to share his word when I can....I try to be friendly to people in this city, but I am a recluse and all these crowds of people stress me out. They aren't very friendly, either. It is time for me to move on Lord....leave LA....

I told my friend L. this morning as I was getting ready for church that I feel like I am gonna kill myself. When my friend was out of town, she must have called the social worker here, cuz he came banging on my door to see if I was alright. I am getting too ill. I need to get some help with my mission.

So I wait to see if I am really special by not standing out at my church. That I hide in the back and wait for the higher ups to notice me. And wait for bipolar Steve to heal me from bipolar or sickness or insanity or delusions.......or make me Mary Magdalene......

I need to pass my torch.. We are evolving or we die. We have a choice.

If u have not noticed, all these bad people are being embarassed and brought down in the news. It is time to begin a new enlightenment with God....we are having droughts and awful heat waves that last for weeks.....hurricanes, volcanoes, tsunamis, HELLO!!!!!! Anyone listening?????? Obey God and Love Him, or let yourselves die out by your own hand. Mankind......womenkind....animal life, plant life, aquatic life....avian life ........I cry so hard to think of all of the innocent animals dying. All the children who knew no better. How Mankind is cruel and inherently evil.....why I don't know. Why we are so bad, I don't know. In our genes. Chimpanzees kill each other.....if we have their genes, it comes out .......our we from Adam and Eve......or monkeys? I debate all these thoughts in my head.

I am a big Sci Fi fan from my teen years, and I view 2001, A Space Odyssey, by Arthur C. Clarke, sounds plausible to me....I watch shows on the History Channel, about Ancient Aliens, and how the stones at Puma Pooko in Peru? I think, had to had to have been chiseled with tools with diamond tips...not by hand, like we silly modern people believe the ancient people did. Or we have lost all the knowledge through the AGES because our evil destroys us before we can evolve?

So, are we inventions of an Alien culture?Are we science experiments like on X Files? Were we genetically altered by God~like aliens akin to the book 2001? And have u noticed that a lot of what early science fiction writers wrote about has been coming true? We are rushing to extinction. This world is loaded with hate and evil. I am so sensitive to it. I feel it in my bones.....I don't understand why we are evil, but we have to over come that and live love and not hate....help poor starving orphans in Africa....the people in Somalia are dying......droughts.... we are killing our home. Earth. Terra. Mother Nature. Gaia........She is our home. We evolved here. She is our mother. Why do we behave like heathens and hate one another and do awful things? Wouldn't u be upset to see ur children killing each other and making u sick as well? Mother Nature is fighting back, and we as humans are near self murder.....And our we all gonna die on December 21st, 2012? All I know is what I do remember something that Jesus said today....

hell, I forgot again... short term memory loss. Anyway, I watch the christian channel and go to church to try and help me over this suicide watch of mine. It seems to help me. I need to believe God loves me. I need to know that.......I feel so alone. I need God. I need You God!!!

Our Father, Who Art In Heaven
Hallowed {HOLY} is Your Name.
Thy Kingdom Come,
Until we meet You Lord, in the Next Life,
Thy Will Be Done
Love one another, look after each other and protect the Earth and the Environment and Animal Life. Protect Nature as a Living Being........We are all one and from this Earth. We are kin because God made us all.....we were divinely made I think, but I have scientific questions. I am modern day Christian, I suppose. I question God and why I am here on this planet. Why do the preachers say we are all God's children and He has a plan for each and every one of us? I get so lost in the crowd when I step out into the city........City of Angels, but was rated they rudest city in america last year? I am totally invisible in this town. I am a no body and believe I have no one.....If I am God's child, wouldn't He want me to be happy in a loving relationship? Wouldn't God want me to do good things with my life? I would want to have a normal life if I was in a healthy, loving relationship. I would stabilize and I could complete God's mission. I need someone to look after me so I can dance onstage with Jesus....xx

This movie St Paul of Tarsus is very good. I enjoy ancient history and the birth of Christianity. Those disciples lived and died for Jesus. They believed with all their hearts that HE IS REAL. I feel sick in the head, Lord! I am not aging well here! I need my disciples too! I call John from Holland and his sister Monique. Now, am I delusional, or do things really happen to prove God's love for us?

All I can do is test it with myself. Can we penetrate the veil of another dimension if we evolve? We need to open our higher brains. Jesus was a HIGHER BEING. He was intelligent and kind. He knew the laws of Moses and was God's Child, A Jew. So we have this Judeo~Christian Religion type thing gonna come down soon, according to the preacher's on all the Christian Channels. The Evangelical Christians are trying to be buddies with the Israeli Jews these days, trying to move forth the prophecy of The Jews coming home to Jeruselem...God's Country. How they wanna finance the Jews coming home and re-building Solomon's Temple. Fulfillment of prophecy.

They want to bring Jesus to rapture them. I am not sure of the Rapture. That was something that came from some one's idea.....why can't Jesus just let us know He is REAL, AND HELP US GET OUR ACTS TOGETHER????? Why do we have to live by faith?? It is too hard! I feel so alone and lonely.

Why can't Our Father help us to be good? Why we have to govern our own selves? Why do we have to question it all? Is it The Big Bang? Is It Divine Father, and Terra Mother? Are all the Universes empty except for this planet?

I truly don't believe that, but some Christians are narrow minded. They don't believe in other societies except humanity. And why does it have to be always weird type aliens that visit us? I believe there are other dimensions that can be traveled through. I have a sci fi brain like Arthur C Clarke. He was brilliant. He invented the Communications Satellite. He was very interesting.....And Ray Bradbury shares my birthday....that would be cool to meet him on that day.....

I saw this show on TBN with the Prime Minister of Israel saying that he believes Iraq is gonna attack Israel once they get nukes. Once the bomb is dropped, it is all over, people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hello!! We are moving towards an Apex.....I feel it building up inside me. I feel so sensitive and suicidal....

I am a gentle person who needs love.....I want to be well, honestly. I want God to help me get well so I can follow St Paul. I want God to be REAL. I NEED to know God is real! I have to feel love from the center of the world. Ancient times said Rome was the Center of the World. So Paul goes to Rome. Was that God's Will? All roads are said to have led to Rome. I love my Nico. My beautiful Italian online boyfriend. He is special and sweet. But a Latin lover. They are the kind who plays with other women. I want a man I can trust. I have given up on men. I must go be Mary Magdalene. I am so sad.

I Miss Living.....

2011-07-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't been well lately. I feel sick in the head. You know, I just view life differently..I am too emotional and negative. REALITY IS TOO HARSH FOR ME. I am just so sensitive to everything. Noise, bright lights, crowds of people, traffic.....can't deal anymore. LA has finally won over me. I have fought for a long time to survive here, but I can't stand it anymore. I refuse to grow old alone here in this city. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis. I hate life and humans and not knowing what I am doing anymore.
I do believe there is evil in this world, cuz I have met it through bad humans that were in my life.

So I am damaged and fearful and suspicious from that, and ill from being poor and worrying how I can keep supporting myself. And loving someone I can't have is extremely painful. Don't know if it is love anymore. More anger and hatred. Some fucking Russian bitch has my baby Nico. I hate him and her both and hope they die.

Other than that, I am a gentle person with animals, and I love flowers and beauty. Sometimes the flower withers in the desert heat. Only I thirst for beauty, peace and love.......I don't wanna be here anymore.

Positive affirmation~God loves me? Why am I always in pain and sorrow then? If I have a curse on me
God, please take it away from me!

If I hurt myself and die, is it me, Sandi doing it, or my mental illness? Do I go to hell for suicide, even though I feel sad and miserable and lonely every day?? Why would anyone want to live if they are totally alone in this world and no one cares about them? Ånyone would think of suicide.

HUD Housing Inspection again.....

2011-07-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

Been cleaning this apt for 4 days now, getting ready for yet another inspection. Another summer spent alone and lonely. It seems like it never ends. I have been self medicating for weeks now. Today, I am thinking....should I go to church tonight, or give in and commit suicide? I jumped and laughed like a lunatic when I had a big knife in my hand today, cuz I had this sudden intense impulse to stab myself in the heart or neck. That is in my mind a lot. Just doing away with myself. I hate being depressed and feeling unloved. I hate life, as usual.....I dream a lot about Nico. He is my un attainable....I am ignoring him pretty much. We say hi sometimes. I told him that he made his decision to not meet me, and to get involved with someone else, so I am just gonna stay away from him.

I go out to church or Venice Beach or wherever with my girlfriends to occupy myself sometimes. They hate living here too, so not only do I feel miserable, I get to hear all their complaints about their lives. I just wanna run screaming away from them when they start. Jump off a pier or something drastic...I listen to the Christian broadcasting channel, and all these preachers say God has a plan for me....yeah, well I would dearly love to know what that plan is! Cuz I have no clue what to do with my life anymore. I don't wanna live anymore.

Positive affirmation....whatever................x

The Princess and the Pauper

2011-07-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

I woke up today thinking of Kate Middleton Windsor, the new princess from England. She and her new hubby Prince William is in town this weekend, and is gonna be at Sony today, which is close to me.

I just keep thinking how blessed her life is now. How wealthy and privileged she is now. How her accident of birth was maybe pre ordained for her happiness. I hope she does good things with her popularity now, and help less fortunate than she. Follow the lead of her deceased mother in law, Diana.

People are paying big money to be close to the royal couple. $25,000 a piece for the chance to play polo with Prince William yesterday in Santa Barbara. $4000 a piece just to watch them play and have a nice lunch. $400 a piece just to sit on the side lines and have a box lunch.

Movies stars gushing over them. The governor of CA, Jerry Brown, and the mayor of LA, Antonio, Villigrosa, waiting at the airport tarmac Friday to greet them and welcome the couple to LA. It must be wonderful to be rich and powerful. Fans lining up everywhere to see them. No doubt, there will be more fans lining the streets around here when they arrive at Sony today. There was big crowds here when Obama went by back a couple of months ago. Very dramatic with the Secret Service, the Navy bomb squads and their dogs....helicopters circling.....fun to watch him whisk by in his motorcade.....I always thought I am gonna be famous one day for some reason. I am delusional again maybe...

I imagine how as I watch Katherine of England ride by in her what I imagine is a gold festooned chariot, past my apt bldg in she and William's motorcade, that I am magically transported and exchange places with her. And I imagine how horrified she would be to be living my life. Talk about reversal of fortune! She now being poor and feeling unwanted and alone. A starving animal licking it's chops and the banquet through the glass.

It would now be ME in her body, eating the gourmet food and being waited on hand and foot, and traveling to exotic places and being married to a handsome and educated prince. And if I were her, I would help people and animals. Not because it is expected of me because of my royal duties, but because I have a heart beating inside me and hate to see suffering. Let God guide me to do HIS service.

Good luck, Katherine. God bless you and all your progeny. America wishes you well. Please be kind and think of others. Help the homeless and addicted and hopeless. Feed the poor and educate the children. Promote culture and art. Make it a priority in school children's lives. Creativity is the key to evolving another part of our brains. We only use like 10 per cent of our brains you know. Just think what a creation we are if we unlock the other 90 per cent!

I wish I could be a working artist and do something positive with my life. I have some talent, but I feel so ill and despondent, that I feel half dead. I hardly ever see the light of day, being bipolar angel of LA...reclusive saint....ancient mariner....the lost flying dutchman....forced to live a half life. Fear controls....it grips and scatters me and sub merges me.

I once read this comic book. Ripley's Believe It Or Not. I will always remember about this european noble man hundreds of years ago that lived in a castle and slept 23 hours a day....just got up to eat. I sometimes feel like that guy. Trapped in a world of my own making. A prisoner of my own home.

Fear of old age and dying alone....I sleep a lot to avoid life. But I have dreams every night of trying to escape and traveling to exotic places and feeling loved and wanted....every night! And every night I am trying to find work in my dreams and getting laughed at. Anxiety about being poor and growing old alone is doing a big number on my head. I am so frightened of becoming homeless. I will kill myself first. I really will. I think about it a lot.

Katherine is a modern day Cinderella. Celebrities and important political people the world over want to know her and listen to what she has to say. She will never know a moment of fear of poverty. Or want for something to eat. She will give birth to little princes and princesses, and will be Queen of England one day.

I want to get a part time job at Sony, and somehow get on my feet financially. I can't stand being poor anymore. Going to the Catholic church down the street to get food from the pantry there. Old Trader Joe's food. Food that is going off and is rotten. Being treated like a loser by the volunteers there. Being talked down to by the women there because I need food. What kind of Christians these women are, I just don't know.

When u are poor, u are treated differently. Like u are worthless. And I have learned to stop telling people I am bi polar, because I am judged then as well. I sometimes blurt it out, just to get someone to hear my pain, but I am gonna try and not tell so many people any more. I am smart and have done things with my life before, but if I tell people I am bi polar, I am less of a human to these so - called normal people. Just a nuisance to avoid. Human garbage.

I don't wanna be human garbage!!! I don't wanna beg for money! I don't wanna live in my beaten up and dying old car! I am so afraid......yes, there is poverty in america, ladies and gentlemen!

Any way the royals are gonna be at a veteran's hiring fair at Sony today...maybe I will go watch them drive by....the Have Nots watching the Haves live their annointed lives...

Later, well, 1:11 pm, I see a bunch of Chips motor cycle cops stopping traffic and in roaring in front of the special motorcade carrying the royals...Not a big thing like when Obama was here. Only 2 or 3 people standing out, watching them go by. 5 or 6 Range Rovers in a line.....watched them go by from my living room window. Pretty anti-climatic.

It is strange. I think all these big thoughts, thinking I am gonna help others with this blog, but it is so stupid. I don't matter to the royals or to anyone. If i laid down in front of the motorcade, they would have just run over me and kept going, to keep the royals safe. I am totally delusional these days.

Later pt 2~~

6 pm...Just watched the national news. How Katherine and William blew in for 3 days and charmed everyone, and now on the plane back home. So between 1 pm and now Sandi, what did you do with YOUR life? Nothing? How sad. Pathetic. Still sitting at my computer. They traveled all over the city and are now going back to England. What did I do?? Oh, I spent another day alone. One of thousands of days that are all adding up on my body and face....And I looked in the mirror just now and saw how sagging my skin is, and how I probably will end up alone, after all. It is hard to come to that realization....I want to do good too with my life......

God bless Prince William and Katherine.....I hope they do wonderful charity work....xx

I Am God's Janitor...(Robin Williams in Fisher King 1991)

2011-07-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

You know I have not much time left. I feel like I am gonna implode soon. Not well. Too much stress. Too much sadness. Too much pain. Feel too sick. One day I am talking to God, the next, I feel suicidal and believe I don't matter.

I walk sometimes. Not much. Just to force myself to get some exercise. Walked to the local high school on the 4th to watch the fireworks. Feel so alone in the huge crowd. I am very aware of how alone I am and how I could just lie down and die and it won't matter. Life is hard. Life is cruel. Life runs us all down in the end. Everyone of us. Every One. We all die. We all become vanquished by death. We all disintegrate. We ignore it, but it all claims us in THE END. "I am sick with experience and am dying"....Fisher King

I keep thinking sometimes I am gonna be well known...that I am gonna fight this demon and win over it. That I can be the voice of mental illness. How it has not claimed me yet. I think I will see Steve and tell him that God wants us all to evolve and be creative.....NOT destructive. Positive affirmation.....God loves Sandi.......I have to believe that, or I go crazy....! Kill the Red Knight, Robin!!!!!

This Is A Test...(This is only a test)....

2011-07-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

The Soloist just came on FX. Hello Steve, remember getting an email from me last year? If this is real, please leave me a message. Tell Jamie N Robert D. I said hey, what's up???? LA homeless mentally ill needs a voice....xxxxx Steve Lopez, come in Steve. Earth to Steve...come in Steve.....or u Earth and me the SKY? xx

Oh I would like Carrie F. to read my blog. If this is real, it will happen without me trying very hard. You guys come to me. I don't nuthin' bout birthin' no babies, Ms. Scahhlett ! Know where MGM is? That is all I'm gonna say....It's up to u to find me. But be gentle! It scares me and I get paranoid. If this is not real, I will talk about it later on....

OMy Omy Omy...

2011-07-03T23:43:00.000-07:00

Oh my God in Heaven! Others say OMG! Just like it is slang. But oh my God in Heaven is speaking to me now. I am on another esoteric high. I have been very sick with depression, and have been thinking about suicide, and I am getting my little messages again. Am I crazy? I don't really know, I think I am just very sensitive...I can't talk much now. I feel too sick...Sugar died last week, and I am still in pain over putting her to sleep. My poor Shugie Beah! You know, I am crazy at that! Oh well, she was like my little soul mate. Only pet lovers know how much their babies mean to them. Sugar was very wise soul. Very Deep. Like Yoda on Star Wars.....No Really! hahahaha I laugh and cry at the same time cuz it is true! Ok I feel sick so I go for now...

My Cat Sugar Is Sick

2011-06-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

I am more depressed than words these days. I can't even talk about how I have been feeling. And on top of that, my cat Sugar has renal failure and the vet said I should put her down. I try to go to church to feel better. I will talk about it all some other time.

Try to be positive!

2011-05-26T16:47:00.000-07:00

My therapist Jane came by to see me yesterday. She was glad about what I was saying. That I should be more positive and see myself as others do. That I am going to church and getting out more.

And today, I wake up completely depressed. One day I feel half ok, and then next, total despair. I felt too sad and irritable this past couple of Sundays to go to church. I feel really hopeless about my life. I know I need to get out and start making money to improve my life, but I am so lethargic and have no clue how to get started. I have given up on life. All I ever do is sleep, watch tv, or be on the computer.

I am trying to stay away from talking to Nico. He is no good. I have realized. He is just a flirt. He has no substance to him. I wanted to believe he is good, but he is just another user, playing with my feelings.
He sent me a pathetic little smiley face in an email today. That was it. I emailed him back and told him that I didn't need his little crumbs of affection, and not to bother. What a waste of time he was. I told Paul a couple of yrs ago the same thing. He couldn't be bothered to call me and get to know me. He would just send a one sentence email. If they can't be bothered with showing any kind of respect to me, they can go to HELL as far as I'm concerned. I am worth more than that shit.

I am going to list what people say about me, to make myself feel better:

I am beautiful
I am sweet
I am an angel
I am good
I am funny
............

and I will add...
I am artistic
I love animals
I try to be a good person
I am trying to be more spiritual
I try to be kind
I love God
God loves me too
Jesus is my Savior

I pray that God puts me on the right path to happiness and love. And that I will feel energetic and do good things with my life in Christ's Name and His Path of Enlightenment.

All My Exes..

2011-05-24T21:52:00.000-07:00

I sometimes reflect on all the rotten men I have had relationships with, and I am amazed that I put up with all the bad behavior from these losers. Not one of them did I ever love. From the time I got to CA back around 86, I have met nothing but creeps and users. But I have to reflect that almost my whole life I have had users taking advantage of me. Me being a naive and good person, I put up with that crap. My self esteem got really low, until I thought maybe I didn't deserve anyone better. I hate all them, and their karma is going to catch up with them all. Some already has had bad karma hit them. I am psychologically damaged from their abuse, and all I can do is pray to God to take away my anger and pain.

I hate men. I don't trust any of them. That is sad, cuz I am a giving and sweet person. But when u have been abused so much, u give up. And I am angry at Nico for leading me on for two years. I am very angry at him and hate him as well. I hope he feels unhappiness with the girl he chose. I hope she hurts him really badly. I finally thought I had met a good man that cared about me, and found out he was just playing with my feelings.

I am so lonely. I don't deserve this. I want a life and husband and love just like any other woman. A nice home and happiness. A nice yard to plant all my flowers, and where my cats can sit in the sun....

Positive affirmation: God looks after me, even though I get filled with hate and anger, jealousy, bitterness and despair. I have to let go, and let God. Let God help me through life. My hands and blessed with wealth, and my body, heart and soul and getting well and positive and happy through Christ Our Lord, Amen...

Look At Me...The Special Girl.

2011-05-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

I rode to Venice Beach yesterday with my friend E. and her aunt. I had a nice time. It is so hard to get out these days, that when I do get out, it is like I am an invalid noticing everything and being grateful. Feeling in the moment and aware of reality. It was a beautiful day, and I got up really early and got ready hours before I talked to E. on the phone and made plans to go Venice.

LA traffic is way harsh. Dealing with it can give you a stroke. Especially during "rush hour". More like, move a couple of feet, sit, look around, listen to talk radio, couple more feet, sigh, just a little bit annoyed when things aren't moving, and then feeling it build up to a crescendo of frustration and curses. I am really good at cursing! ahhaha

Anyway, just to say we took the bus, and it was great not to be behind the wheel. Felt like I was helping clean the air too. Cuz our local busses burn clean gas. I am surprised sometimes that we aren't all dead from the smoggy air here in LA.

I have awful allergies now. I told my Doc that I never had allergies until after I moved here, and he told me he hears that all the time. All my friends have allergies too. I feel tired tired tired all the time. I have more than one nap a day if I am really not feeling good. So getting out and feeling the fresh spring breezes on the beach was helpful with my depression. Sunny and not too warm. In the 70s. Famous LA weather. That is why many live here. Sometimes I wonder why I am still here. And just why I am here.

I like going to Venice Beach cuz of all the different characters and artists there. It is a quirky, slightly hippy-ish place. Roller skaters and bike riders, and pretty girls passing out business cards for the marijuana clinics they are standing in front of. The girl that slipped me mine was dressed in jean shorts, and cowboy hat , and brown boots. Sidewalk entertainers, jugglers and acrobats. Muscle men and basketball players. Someone giving $5 massages. I like Venice cuz I am quirkly gal and feel a sort of kinship to the artists living on the edge and hawking their wares. I smell pot smoke several times during our walk, and saw a couple of artists smoking a doobie. Smelling incense and sage burning. Checking out cheap jewerly and buying a ring and a few necklaces and a bracelet. All for $2 each. Hearing someone start up a drum circle. I commented to my friends on the fact that someone got stabbed in a drum circle not too long ago at Venice Beach. There is an undelying criminal element at the boardwalk that has brought lots of arrests in the past. Gang activity, junkies hanging out at night. Do not go to Venice Beach at night! That is life in LA though.

So, I have told myself that I should see myself how others see me. People like me and chat with me. They tell me they like how I dress myself in different shades of the same color, and seem interested in me. When I am always alone, it is hard to see myself in a positive way cuz I feel like I am not doing anything with my life. I feel like a failure and get depressed and hide in my apt.

Good thing to say about myself today~people like me! And so do animals.

Ok Sandi~~You Can Do This....!

2011-05-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

I want to get out today and am dressed to go out, but I feel sick and paranoid. I want to walk around Venice Beach and see all the artists and vendors and people walking, but I feel so overwhelmed. I get so paranoid. Today, I feel like my alien self. I have angel self and bitch mode self, and alien self.

There are big waves at the beach today too. My therapist tells me no one even notices me if I am paranoid, but I feel like I don't belong to the human race sometimes. I feel I want to hide. I have been hiding for yrs now. I need to get out for my health and well being.
My friend said she is thinking of going Venice Beach today after her doctor's apt, and wanted to know if I would meet her. I don't know. Reality is so harsh. I can't deal with life. It makes me anxious. And I feel so tired. Like I can't even be bothered to move. Lethargic. I am dying slowly here in LA. For real. I want more out of my life, but I don't have the energy to do much. I even tell men that who ask me out on a date.
I am damaged here! I am damaged gal!!!

I ask for strength to go on with life, dear God!

Thank you! Amen

Positive affirmation for today~~~
My Hands Are Blessed With Wealth!!!!

Bipolarness sux

2011-05-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

Just wanna state that. I am in a manic phase right now. I jump up and start listening to music and dancing when I'm manic. And I write down meaningful lyrics. My messages, you know. So I pace around and dancing,only it half kills me cuz I have been a slug so many yrs.

I am a young old lady. I can still make myself look decent if I try, but the old age ills are creeping up. And I also don't care for my wrinkles. Anyway, when I am depressed I don't feel like doing anything. I cycle downward. I just vegetate. I am trying to get more active, but I really feel like I could just lie down and die from it sometimes. It zaps all my strength and energy away.

I am taking pills to lower my cholesterol and balance my thyroid, plus my allergy medications and anti depressants. Hey no wonder I feel so shitty. I forget I'm drugged up by prescriptions everyday. I had to get off Lexapro cuz it was making me fat. I have lost 10 pounds since getting off it, and I can fit into some of my old clothes again.

I had to go buy all new clothes, practically, when I got up to 135. I have always been small. Like nothing over 115. So I have really skinny clothes...like from size 0-5, and then i had to go start buying large blouses and size 9 and 10 pants. So now I am like at size 7 or 8. I just got to get rid of my belly...

Anyway, I jumped up and took a shower and got nicely made up to force myself to walk on Venice Beach to day for my health and well being, but I am paranoid and don't feel physically well. I just want to feel normal and do things and have a life. I have quit living a long time ago and need to get myself well. I feel really mental these days. That is one big reason I go to church. To have optimistic spiritual people around me. I watch the Christian channel too. TBN. Just to hear people say that God loves me and wants me to be his loving child. I am a little bit rebelling against it sometimes cuz I don't know what I want sometimes. But mostly, I am a good person. No saint, that is for sure. No I am Bipolar Angel in the City of Angels.......

God Is Love

2011-05-15T13:12:00.000-07:00

I listen to the Christian channel when I feel totally hopeless. They talk about how God loves me no matter how much I hate myself. That Jesus wants the broken and sad and hopeless. I wish with all my heart for God to call me to do good things with my life. I pray with all my heart to get well and not be depressed anymore. I pray to get my energy back and start living my life again. Stop being anti social and angry. I pray to go out into the world and do something worthwhile with my life, and I pray for financial blessings. I am so tired of being stressed out over not having money. I want to feel happiness and do good things and feel worthwhile. Please Lord, make these awful negative thoughts leave me and bring blessings to me! Please turn my life around! I need you! Thank you Lord, In Christ's Name I pray, Amen.

Good thing to say about myself~~I believe in God and want to have a personal relationship with Jesus, my Lord and Savior

I Am Mental

2011-05-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

I am really starting to have a nervous breakdown or something. I wake up saying that I am going to kill myself over and over. I couldn't go to church cuz I had a bad night trying to sleep. I just got up now saying to myself...let's see your year in review, sandi.....u did nothing. u achieved nothing. Still a recluse, still a loser. Can't even function anymore in society. All you do is stay alone.

While I sat here alone waiting to chat with some man on the other side of the world, he was out living his life. Traveling, going out with friends, playing music, working, visiting his family.....and now he has found someone and has forgotten me after I chatted with him for two whole fucking years! And she's a lot younger than me and I am still alone! I feel like I have wasted the past two years hoping for a dream to become reality.

I am 52 in August, and I am still without a husband or family or home. Still destitute and living on Social Security. Still sad and depressed. My life never moves forward. I feel miserable and unhappy every day of my life. I don't even know how to go about getting a job anymore. I feel bleak and of no purpose. I feel totally useless. I go buy clothes to make myself feel better, but I never go anywhere or go out on dates, so what is the point of that?? I feel insane and crazy and I wanna scream and run out into the street and be run over by cars. I hate my life. I am a loser. I hate my life. I am a fucking loser!!!!!!!!

Ok Sandi try and say something nice about urself....I am still alive. I am not six feet under yet. I'd prefer to be cremated......

Blessed?

2011-05-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

Nico sent me an email in response to the emails I sent the other day, saying that my words hurt him. Well, what about how I feel?? I am going nuts here! I am angry all the time and irritable and depressed. I curse so much a sailor would blush. I am going to church again to try and feel better.

I have to be positive somehow. I have to say that I AM BLESSED, and not cursed. I AM BLESSED because Jesus died for me. Shed his blood to take away my curse. I pray to feel better and be shown the way on the path of righteousness.

I was talking to this guy on cam today. He is from Italy and is a songwriter/guitarist. He said he is agnostic, and doesn't believe he has a soul. I asked him how he could be an artist and not believe he has a soul? Where does he thinks his essence comes from? He said it is just chemicals. He put me right off him when he said that. I told him how I get little messages, and I was saying something about being spiritual, and right as I typed that word, someone on tv said the same word at the same time. I told him that, and he says, oh that happens....!! Oh yeah? How many times to you? It happens to me a lot! And I get messages on certain words......angel, jerusalem, spiritual.... I tell him about synchronatic things happening to me, and he scoffs at it. I feel sorry for him. He denies his own soul!

I know I have a soul, but it is sick. I need to get well in my heart and soul, and I pray to feel joy in God. I am hoping if I keep going to this new church, I can start being part of what is going on there. Maybe make some friends there and network and get a little job so I can save up some money to move on with my life. It is time for me to move on. God knows I have been stuck for years and years. I want to get my energy back and do good things with my life......

Good thing to say about me today~~God looks after me, even though I am ungrateful and bitter and full of hatred. God loves me..........!!!!!!!

Anger Implosion

2011-05-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of anger in my heart, Lord. I am angry and sad and hurt and depressed that I am alone and I have no partner in my life. I was driving around today, just to get out of this apt for awhile, and I got angry driving in all this traffic of LA. That I have to be alone and not have a love of my life to help and look after me and care about me just pisses me off to no end. I am angry at you, God. I asked you to send me a wonderful man to be my husband, and all I ever seem to attract are low life men that are users. I am better than that! I deserve better. Other people meet and fall in love and have lives together and are happy. Why do I always have to lose out? What have I done to deserve so much unhappiness? It is not right. I think of killing myself all the time. I don't want to be miserable anymore.

Good thing I can say about me? I pray to God for guidance and help and love.

Here Without You

2011-05-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

Nico asked to chat with me and said he missed me. I wasn't that friendly to him. Just polite. I have been in physical and emotional pain since we talked yesterday. I kept taking naps all day long cuz I was depressed. I wish I knew how to get my life on track again. Starting feeling good for once. I wake up saying to myself that I am going insane....I have nightmares and feel rotten. I can't go on like this. I sent Nico and email after I watched a show on Dr Phil yesterday....here it is:

i was just watching dr phil on tv..... i don't know if u get him over there. he is a psychologist that has a talk show here in LA.

this woman was on dr phil, and was really upset cuz she was in love with this guy from london that she had been chatting with on skype for 10 months. they had made plans to meet and be in love, etc....but she found out he was engaged to someone else. so she was really sad and depressed and wanted to know why he had done that to her.

so dr phil sent her and a private detective 5000 miles to london to find him at his home. she knocked on his door and he wouldn't speak to her at first, but after his fiancee left, she went back and he let her in to talk for about 30 mins...anyway, she was crying on the show and i felt so sorry for her, cuz i feel the same as she does.

dr phil told her that yes she is in mourning, but to think she is in mourning not for the man, but for the dream she had of having a life with him. she agreed, but she was still crying. i just thought i would share that with u.

i feel just as sad as she does. i feel sick from it. i just gotta keep going to church and try and stay spiritual. dr phil said to think of it as a lesson learned. i try to do that too when things hurt me. that i am learning painful lessons to make me stronger. i love u hon, but u r a dream. if u wanted me, u would have come here for me. just know i think u r special. xx

~~~And u know what my reality is?!!! My cat Tigger knocks off a couple of my plants onto my bedroom floor, and there is mud and dirt everywhere now. While she is with my Nico and they are in love and having fun, I am miserable. It is not fair! I am sick of being unhappy! Why can't I be happy in love too????? I just don't know what kind of lessons I learn from being so hurt and miserable. I just keep going back to sleep to avoid everything.

A nice thing to say about me today? hahaaaha I will try. I love animals. Even when they drive me crazy!

Get Over It Sandi!

2011-05-12T04:38:00.000-07:00

Obviously I'm not done torturing myself yet over Nico. Is it because I am bipolar I get such obsessive thoughts? Why do I think of him so much when he has told me that he has someone now and is in a relationship with her? It hurts a lot. Just copied a couple of emails I sent to him after he told me and decided to post them here. If I come back later when I am over him, I can remember how I stupid I was to cry over him. I'm sure he's not crying over me! Maybe he thinks of me, but that is about it. If he really wanted me, he would have come here to meet me.
4/18~~
hey,
u know, i gotta say this or i will just be mad all night and can't sleep.

i was going through all my emails, deleting all the ones i have sent, and u and i have known each other and have exchanged emails for 2 yrs now. it took me ages to delete them all. so yeah, i could be upset that i have invested so much time getting to know u. we have chatted and sent each other photos and told one another we loved each other. i even went and bought a web cam cuz u wanted to see me!

i'm glad u feel like a worm. i should fly over there just to kick ur ass!

i went to church today and felt good, and i tried to be nice to u, but yeah, i wanna kick ur damned ass! i still care about u i think~~well, i'm not sure about that, but i am honest when i say that i hope u and ur girlfriend both choke! u know me, i gotta say how i feel! i might have a temper but i am a real and authentic person.

none of u men are ever good enough for me, i have realized. and now i can go to sleep and be at peace.

have a nice day,

and then later.....

4/18~~

sorry,

well, this is no good. now i am feel sick cuz i yelled at u. i kept waking up feeling strange and jittery and guilty and nauseated.

i might as well yell at the sea...it makes about as much sense. the ocean just keeps right on ebbing and flowing and changing and moving on to other shores. i try to be a good person cuz i love God, and dear Jesus went through terrible pain on the cross for all the bad things i and everyone on earth has done, but i have a temper that doesn't like to be corked up. it is like a bottle of champagne that has been shaken.

i just want to be happy, and it is like chasing a wisp of smoke. love is a commodity that can't be bought or sold. it is more priceless than gold and as precious as diamonds. i think some people don't feel gratitude for what they have. they just grow complacent in their lives and expect to always be happy. well, being happy is hard to achieve i can tell u. i think once u have it, u have to tend it and nurture it like a fragrant sweet delicate flower.

i always get poetic when i am sad and disappointed in love.......

and sandi's reality is tigger just took a big poop in his litter box and i go and spray cherry scented deodorizer and turn on the fan to cover up the stink. now THAT is real life! cherry flavored cat poop. me sitting here alone in my apt in the dark. i can wax poetic all i want but life goes on and reality punches me in the nostrils. life sux and then u die. have a nice life nico. i have had worse things happen to me in my life than saying bye to an italian internet ghost. i should copy all this and put it on my bi polar blog. i haven't been on it for awhile. yeah, maybe i will.....happy easter.

Sweet Sandi

Nice thing to say about me now~~I am loyal.

Thank You God

2011-05-11T16:07:00.000-07:00

I don't feel so badly today. I woke up really tired as usual. Nico sent me a video to me by Joe Cocker, You're So Beautiful To Me. I had told him before how much that video meant to me and how it makes me cry. I watched it, and didn't sob uncontrollably like I would have a couple of weeks ago. It still hurts though. I still miss him. But I keep asking God to help this pain go away. I feel like Nico was a potential LOVE OF MY LIFE, and I have been grieving heavy over that. He is a good man and special and kind. He said that he never simulated his feelings for me, and that he dedicated that song to me with all his heart. I am sad, but hopefully, my heart is beginning to heal some. I pray so. I wish I had a chance to have met him in real life. I dream about him a lot.
I love u my baby Nico. I love looking in your deep dark sparking brown eyes. She is a lucky girl that has snagged you. I hope she appreciates you. I hate her. She is really younger than me and can give you the new family you wanted. I hate you too sometimes. I hate you, I love you, I miss you, I yearn to be with you to share our lives together. xxxxxxx

Good thing to say about myself today. I am a survivor..xx

My Angel Companions

2011-05-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to put this down before I forget. I really do get messages from another realm. My guardian angel? Sometimes, when I am reading something on the internet or doing something else, this synchronicity happens to me. I have been leaving on Christian programming in the background to listen to while I am on the net. So, I will be reading something, and as I reach a particular word, I hear the same word on TV. What are the odds of that happening? It happened one night with the word ANGEL. Then, like the next night, the word BUILDING, and then, JERUSELEM. Hmm....Angels building Jeruselem?

And one night, my cat Tigger jumped on the bed, and accidentally turned on my radio at the same time. I leave it on AM talk radio at night to the show Coast to Coast with George Noori. They talk alot about supernatural things and ufos. That night, they were talking about Jesus Christ. How the Muslims think he was a great prophet and other things about him.

The man that was being interviewed was talking about these codices found in Jordan, that the Jordanian government is trying to acquire so they can put them in a museum, instead of them being sold to a private collector. Supposedly, these codices tie in Jewish Kabbalah and Christ. These codices are supposed to pre-date St Paul's writings. It is supposed to prove Jesus or God is for real..I need to read up on it. I looked it up on Wikipedia, but never read the whole thing.

But it is odd that little things like that happen to me. Maybe because I am so sensitive to everything all the time. It comforts me. That someone is communicating with me to let me know God is alive and real. That Jesus did exist and was sent here to save the world.

It makes sense now that they found the codices, cuz of the world wide connection everyone has nowadays. With internet, billions are in touch all over the world. Maybe it is time for Jesus to let us know he is returning. The Earth is certainly having terrible weather and earthquakes and such. And humans have over populated the planet and are killing it and the animals. I think it is time for us to evolve now. We have to become spiritual to do that. We only use 10 per cent of our brains. We have potential to reach other dimensions of ourselves. There has got to be a reason we exist. If we are not spiritual and evolving, then what is the point of being alive??

Another good thing to say about myself~~I am evolving. Or trying to, anyway.

Roamin' In Hell

2011-05-10T10:44:00.000-07:00

I think I am really losing it sometimes. Being alone here all the time is making me go crazy.

I have been trying to forget Nico, but he crops up into my sub concious. Whenever I am upset about someone, I have nightmares about them. I have been chatting with this guy from Rome who says he is a fireman. He seems nice. Someone to take my mind off Nico. I told him I was going to go take a nap with my cats. I have been depressed and sleeping a lot the past couple of weeks or so.

I dreamt I was in Rome, and it was a dark place, full of people walking everywhere, and I couldn't speak the language. Men would jostle me and grope at me, and I was being chased by someone who wanted to kill me. I was crying, "My husband is a police man! My husband is a police man!" Meaning Nico. Cuz he is a cop in real life. Only he lives in Poggibonsi, not Rome. And I woke up depressed and sad. Even in my dreams, negative thoughts reach me. I don't know why I torture myself like this. I feel all exhausted and never rested.

I told my dream to the guy in Rome, and he said Rome is not so bad a place to be. I told him I must have been in Roman Hell. ahhahahha Roamin' in Hell.....Sure felt hellish anyway.

I am going to try and say at least one thing positive about myself or my life each time I post, so I won't feel so dismal. Maybe it will help retrain my brain to think better things...

Ok.......I am smart. Next post, I say something else good....

Sandi, God Loves YOU! God wants you to be happy and well. God looks after you. God loves Sandi

God Loves me! God loves me! God loves me!

Let Go And Let God...

2011-05-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

I went to church with my friend Elizabeth again yesterday and then to Coffee Bean across the street from where we live. Yesterday was Mother's Day. I haven't seen my mama in about 9 yrs now, and Elizabeth lost her mom a couple of months ago. I felt sad. I didn't even feel like sitting through the service at church.

I was telling Elizabeth as we were sitting drinking our tea and coffee that I can't even bear to see or hear anything about weddings or babies anymore. That I feel like my life is over and how I have totally wasted it on men that were no good for me. She said I have to stop thinking negative thoughts and saying negative things or it will come true. I have heard that before. That your thoughts become your reality.

So, I try to Let Go, And Let God.....Give my disappointments and pain to Him to deal with.

Here Lord, please take this 18 wheeler truck load of depression and pain from me. This load of fear and hurt and sadness. This hopelessness and despair. Confusion and heartache. This loneliness and lethargy and apathy. This regret. This isolation. Take these suicidal thoughts that hurt me and tear them up and throw them away. Take away my sadness and show me how to live.

Please send me Love and good people to support me and take care of me. Send me happiness and good thoughts. Help me to be creative and joyful and walk in Your Light. Help me to do good things with my life, and send me on the Path of Jesus and His teachings.

Take away my nightmares and tiredness. Give me health and energy. Send me a beautiful man that will love me and take care of me. Someone who I will love too. Someone I can trust. Someone that will go to church with me and do good things with me. Someone creative and artistic and sensitive and humorous. Someone that will be marry me and give me a nice home where I can have my flower garden and pets and maybe a child, if it is not too late. Someone that will take me traveling the world and seeing this beautiful Earth. Please give me peace of mind and happiness in my heart and soul, Dear God.

In Christ's Name I Pray, Amen.

I love you! xx

whatever. sick of posting titles...

2011-05-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

I chatted with Nico the other night. I had been avoiding him. He was really happy to see me and texted a message to my phone how he was going to bed happy. I emailed him yesterday to say that just being his friend wasn't going to work for me, and I wanted to know if he was getting married or not. He emailed me back and said he is with a 33 year old girl now, and that they don't live together, but he sleeps with her most nights. And that they are working on a stable relationship.

OMG I could beat him to a pulp. He wants to keep playing with me on the computer and have his gf? Go To Hell, Nico! All you men are nothing but liars and users. I was so depressed when I went grocery shopping just now that I was just wandering around in a haze of pain. Didn't buy much. Couldn't focus on anything. Just thinking about killing myself. I go buy a pink tshirt at Ross to make me feel better. It doesn't. Just looked at myself in the mirror and saw what an old hag I am becoming. I fucking hate life. I really do. Everyone around me is talking and going on with their lives, and all I can think about is ending mine. I see kids with their parents and think, well I am never going to have one of those...Or, I am never going to have a husband. Just be alone til I die....etc...I have pretty much decided that yes, I will kill myself. Don't know when, but I refuse to grow old alone. And I feel too ill to go look for anyone else. I am sick of men anyway. They have damaged me til there is nothing left of me.

Shaky Days

2011-04-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

I tried again today to go out and get groceries and had to come home. I went to Big Lots to get cat food and other stuff, and started feeling sick and shaky and feeling like I was going to fall over. Feeling irritable and sad and confused. Like an absent minded professor. So I bought that stuff and forgot about groceries and came back home with some take out chicken from El Polo Loco.

I got my mail and got a letter from my doc saying that I have hypothyroidism and she sent me another prescription take to get filled for that. I have to take pills too for high cholesterol. I looked up my condition, and the symptoms I have for sure. Kinda same as symptoms of depression. Aches, irritability, confusion, weakness, depression, oh and heavy periods, which i suffer through every month, etc.......great. I been feeling like I have been dying slowly....My depression has been really intense since Nico said he had a gf. I feel miserable every where I go. I am going to walk to that church down the street tomorrow to meet my friend Denise there. I need some spiritual help. I don't care that much for the pastor though. He starts ranting about stupid stuff sometimes...but there are people more my age there. The other church I have been going to, there are lots of old people there.

There have been big tornadoes in Alabama, my home state, killing lots of people and causing tons of damage....Mama said that where she lives in Miss., the next town over was blown away.

I saw a woman in the alley sleeping behind Big Lots, and as I drove by I said a prayer for her. Then I started feeling guilty that I didn't stop to help her, so I was going to turn around and go back and give her something to drink or eat. But I was feeling so awful I just went home instead...I thought of the story Jesus told of the Good Samaritan the whole time and felt guilty about not going back. But I really feel so sick when I am out, I end up trying to get home and back to lie down from exhaustion.

Little Blessings....

2011-04-29T19:05:00.000-07:00

I have been seriously depressed for weeks now. I tried to get out and buy some groceries today, and couldn't do it once I was out. All I could do was get a hamburger and bring it home to eat here. I was Ross clothes store looking around, and was looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I was seeing. I suddenly decided to leave cuz what is the point of buying clothes when I have decided to commit suicide? I really feel unwell. I came home with my burger and laid down on my couch again to rot.

About 6pm, I had a knock on the door, and this lady that cleans for the tenants here came over to help me clean. I had a worker before that helped me, but I let her go in January cuz she wasn't dependable enough for me. So my place looked like a junk yard. She came in and we both did some cleaning together. My bathroom and bedroom is still a big mess, but at least the kitchen and some dusting and sweeping in the living room got done. So I gotta acknowledge the little blessings I get in life. To feel so desperate as to feel suicidal all the time. A little kindness is greatly appreciated.......now I go back to cry some more.....

Hurt Me

2011-04-29T07:25:00.000-07:00

I think he sent that video to hurt me cuz I was so upset and telling him off last week. That was a cruel thing to do, Nico. I told him about me thinking maybe he was rubbing salt into my wounds, and he asked to be forgiven, but I think he really did it to hurt me now that I think of it. He probably is that happy, but why did he have to send that to me?? He knows I have been crying over him....that is a mean thing to do to me, Nico. That is not right. I thought you were a good person too. What a joke. I am made a fool of by a man once again...Will I ever learn?? I wish to God I could turn off my feelings! I feel so sad and it irks me he is so happy. I want happiness too, and that has been all I have wanted my whole entire life....Do I end up killing myself to stop this pain and loneliness?? I look so old and wrinkled now. My face has changed so much. I feel like an old bitter spinster crazy cat lady.....no God, please help me find happiness! Please oh please!

Crying Over Lost Love Once Again..

2011-04-29T07:10:00.000-07:00

I felt bad cuz I went off on Nico for finding someone and getting engaged, so I emailed him and apologized. I said I just couldn't stand the thought of losing him, and that it was like losing a treasure, never to be found again. Like losing my best friend. No, it is more like losing the love of my life. I should have gotten over there some way some how to meet him. Got money somehow to fly to Italy, and now it is too late. I feel sick all over....

I sent him a video by Heart called Alone, which is about being sad I don't have my love anymore. He emails me back and sends me a video by Queen, called Nothing Can Stop Me Now, which is all about how he is having a great time and he is like a rocket flying, he is having such a good time...I went cold all over when I saw that. Thanks Nico. Way to rub the salt into my wounds.

I have been crying and severly depressed and feeling suicidal for over 2 weeks now since he said he found someone else, and he is happy as a lark. I hope she dumps him! I shouldn't say that, but I want him to feel pain too....I am in total pain and he is in love and having a great life...why do I end up so miserable and alone????? Why God??? Why is that??? Here I go again, crying and feeling so low.....I want to die. :(

I put a photo of me in a red dress on my profile on tagged, and have been getting friend requests non stop for the past hour or so. They all think I'm beautiful and I feel like shit and miserable. Oh God, I am going to ask you directly....please send me a wonderful, kind man that will love me and I will love too. Someone I am attracted to!!!!!!! Someone who will take care of me and keep me feeling safe and happy. Someone that will take away my money fears and give me a good home where I can have my flower garden and pets! Please Lord! I beseech Thee! In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Maybe If I put it on the internet, God will hear me.....

On Being Delusional~

2011-04-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

I have been formatting my blog to give myself something to do. I remember being so intense on getting my essay, "How To Be Bipolar", on the internet, because I had a mission and a calling to get it out for everyone to read.

Now I realize I was just being bipolar and delusional. I really felt like I had to get my message out and that I was doing God's work. That I was in touch with angels and was living partly in another dimension. It is sad. I haven't been able to get anyone hardly at all to read this blog.

You know, I still get little messages though, sometimes. I am not esoteric and high on pot now, but I still get little things that occur to me from time to time to let me wonder about it.

Synchronicity.....Especially when it comes to angels. It happened yesterday when I was crying and I forget what I was doing, but I was reading something and I saw the word angel, and at the same time someone on tv said angel. Strange little moments like that....

I Got The Royal Blues...

2011-04-28T18:47:00.000-07:00

So Prince William and his fiancee Kate is getting married tomorrow. It has been on the news and all over cable for weeks. I find it ironic that I watched his mom and Prince Charles get married when I was like 20 or so, and now I am watching her son get married, and I am STILL single! Still alone and lonely...makes me so sad. I have given up on ever meeting anyone special to share my life. I wish I had never come to LA. This place is the worst for meeting anyone and having a real relationship....all my friends say it too. I am going to get old and die here alone if I stay here.

I felt really sick and ill and weak this morning. Desperate and sad. I went in to get another blood test today. I went last week and I have high cholesterol. I have to start taking pills for it. Today, I had a blood test for my thyroid. I wrote on this bipolar group's board today about how I feel like I am dying and can't go on feeling like this. I'm dying by inches....

Head Banging

2011-04-27T18:09:00.000-07:00

I have been having suicidal thoughts all day. More like impulses. Cutting myself or taking my pills. I just lay on my couch and cry and moan and thrash around in pain. Hit myself in the head with my tv remote hard. It hurt a lot and now I have a big lump on my head. I just don't know what I am going to do with myself anymore. I don't care about anyone. Why can't I find happiness too? Why do I have to be so alone????

I imagine Nico and his gf laughing and traveling and being in love..getting a home together...all the things I dreamed of about me and him doing. It hurts so much. It is not fair! I wanted to be with him so much.....I lived to talk to him. He was the only thing I cared about. Now he is gone to someone else's arms. I can't stand this .....I can't stop crying.......he said he loved me..cuz we are so far he just forgets me and finds someone else after I have known him 2 years......he broke my heart in two.

I look in the mirror as I blow my nose from weeping, and I realize I am getting so old looking. No one will want me. He would not want me. He can do better. She is probably a lot younger than me. He said he was looking to start another family and I am almost 52....I just want to be happy in love and it never works for me. I must be cursed. I must have been cursed and now I am gonna be sad forever. I will kill myself before I grow old alone. I don't wanna live like that. Always struggling to take care of myself or in relationships that mean nothing to me. With men I don't love. I am sick of never finding happiness........I hate the world I hate everyone. It is not fair I have to suffer so much.

Karma

2011-04-26T10:43:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that a lot of my past boyfriends that have really hurt me and made me ill got karma back in a big way. One fell and is paralyzed now, another keeps going to jail and no one wants to know him anymore, another died from a heart attack from doing drugs. The one who died from a heart attack did help me in the last few years of his life, but we had a bad relationship before. Oh and one that beat me up and put me in the hospital, was sent to prison for 2 years. So they all brought it on themselves with their choices. So I have faith Nico will get his for lying to me and hurting me so bad. I have been so sick with depression all week over him. He tried to stay in touch with me, but I am too angry at him. Why would I want that? I hope she leaves him and hurts him just as bad as he has hurt me! Your Karma is coming, Nico! And I hope you learn something from it. You can't just do whatever you want and hurt people. It comes back to you. He thinks he is a good person too! And he is insulted that I tell him what a bad thing he is doing by lying to me and probably her too. I hate him. I hope he gets Karma and it hurts like HELL!

Easter

2011-04-25T06:05:00.000-07:00

I took my neighbor Elizabeth to Easter service yesterday. It was pretty crowded. The Reverend remarked that we should have Christmas Eve service and Easter service alternate every Sunday, because that is when people show up. I have barely been to church myself in the past year. Time goes flows on and I just don't seem to be moving with it, except biologically. Time shows up on my body and face. And Lord knows I feel ancient these days. I never feel rested and am always tired. I have to go in and get my thyroid checked this week.

I just want to comment on the little children of the church getting up in front and singing a sweet song about Jesus. They were so adorable. Dressed in their Easter clothes. So innocent and cherub like. Every time I go to church and see these little darlings I get sad, knowing that at age 52, I am pretty much never going to have a kid. Just finding a good man that I can stand to be with and get married to is a dream, so having a home and family is a remote wish.

My friend Elizabeth and I were discussing our sorry state of affairs concerning men in the banquet room after the service. There is always something to snack on afterwards, and we were talking over slice of cake that said "He Is Risen." I told her that I have come to realize that my low self esteem has always kept me from meeting someone that is on my caliber of intellect, and that I chose to spend my time with men that were losers because of the choices I have made in life. Working in bars instead of going to college and educating myself. Feeling inadequate and unworthy. And seeing that normal women with good self esteem would never have anything to do with these jerks. But, me being lonely and having a tender heart, allowed them in to abuse and use me. Well, I am done with that garbage. If I have to live and die alone I am not going to do that to myself again. These men were vampires that drained me until barely anything was left of me. My cats have shown me more affection than I have ever received from them or my family for that matter.

My last boyfriend got me pregnant at age 47 or 48 and he told me he didn't care and he refused to help me. I was very anxious about getting evicted from my HUD apt if I had a kid, because it is single occupancy here and I am not supposed to have anyone staying with me. And I just didn't know what to do or where to turn. I knew that this pregnancy would probably be the last chance to have a baby, but I was in no position to care for a child. I can barely manage to take care of myself and my two cats. So, with a sad heart I went to Family Planning in Santa Monica and got abortion pills. I had to pay for it all alone because my Medicare wouldn't cover it. And like I said, my boyfriend refused to help me in any way. $450.....I had to put it on my credit card. Those pills made me extremely sick, and I had no one to look after me through the whole awful ordeal. I have a lot of guilt about it. I was talking to my therapist Jane about it the other day. She and my psychiatrist thought I made the right decision, but I have trouble forgiving myself. It haunts me. When I have bad thoughts, they replay in my head over and over and over again, like they are on a loop.

I went online earlier and Nico tried to get me to chat with him. I ignored him. These men want their cake and eat it too. He is getting married to someone else, but wants to continue chatting with me? Go to hell! I have been sick with depression for over a week now, since he decided to own up to the fact that he has a fiancee now! All this, while saying he loves me and oh i miss u baby, etc.......ugh. Men piss me off so much! He told me he was coming here to meet me. Damned liar.

Same Song Second Verse

2011-04-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

I started reading my blog today and I am such a miserable soul. I make myself sick. Can't I find something to do with my life other than this? I can see I have a talent for writing, albeit I left lots of typos in. I actually looked up my old business class teacher today and asked her to read my blog. Why I have the need to humiliate myself, I don't know. I thought she might be interested in how I write, I suppose. Hi Ms. S. You don't have to read these new posts if you decide to visit here. Just keep going to the old posts until you see my essay on How To Be Bipolar In LA. It is so old now, it is hardly worth it though. Time has marched on and the world has moved with it. I realize now I don't have that much important to say after all. Just a lot of whining and carrying on about being sad and lonely. Who cares? So What? Everyone has their own problems. I have one reader on this silly blog!

Back when I was smoking pot and being manic, I stayed awake for 9 days straight. Pacing, thinking wild thoughts, listening to loud rock music. Screaming obscenities at myself in the mirror....just being generally coo coo ca choo......What can I say? Does it mean anything that I go through this? I am just a victim of my menopausal hormones and screwed hard wiring. I try think in my mania that I am meant for something important, because I want to mean something to the world. I want to matter to an indifferent world, and surprise! Reality hits me and I know that I really don't matter and what I say doesn't matter and who cares if I live or die? There are billions of humans in this world~~why should anyone care what I go through? I would like to feel important and worth while, but it just isn't so. I have to learn to accept this and move on somehow. Accept I may grow old alone and die alone. It is hard to do. It is so hard. I just want to lie down and die. I get so fatigued all the time, that just reading my blog wears me out. It is the depression and hopelessness I feel reading my own pain. I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I have no clue at all. No inkling whatsoever.

My therapist Jane had me answer questions the other day, so she could put down my goal plans for another year, to justify them still seeing me at the mental health clinic I go to. They have let patients go there because of budget cuts and the economy. They let my friend Kim go there. She was really upset about it. That is where I met her. In group therapy.
I tried to think of something to say, and nothing came to me. She always wants me to take art classes, but I feel so lethargic and unproductive that I have no interest. I told her all I can do is try and get out more for church. That is all I can manage. She wanted me to add something else, but I stared blankly out the window and said I just had no idea. I have no life plans or goals to strive for. I am a lump, lying on my couch. I told her once that if I didn't have to get up and eat or go to the bathroom, I would petrify and turn to stone. I have a nice bed and end up sleeping on my hard couch cuz I hate being alone, so I fall asleep with the tv on.

I think I am going to go lie down again. I feel weak. Peace out.

Good Friday 2011

2011-04-22T22:18:00.001-07:00

I was really depressed all day. I decided to make myself go to the Good Friday service at church tonight. I have to force myself to go out places these days. I took my friend Denise with me and it was a very beautiful service. Two young women sang like angels. The reverend would put out a candle after each bible reading of the account of Jesus' death on the cross. I cried. I feel so hopeless and alone. I prayed so hard that God would take away my depression and help me to build a better life for myself. Thank you Jesus, for sacrificing yourself for our sake. There is no greater love than someone laying his life down for a friend.

Saw The Prez Today

2011-04-21T18:46:00.001-07:00

I had to go get a mammogram today, and when I was driving back past Sony, the traffic was all backed up from cops being everywhere. Obama was on his way to Sony for a fundraiser. He's gonna run again for President. I live like a block from Sony, so I had to fight my way back to my building to park. They had blocked off the streets and stopped the buses running. Lots of people were out in the streets, waiting for him to drive by. Helicopters circled around and around. People walking across the street or riding bikes got yelled at by cops to GET OUT OF THE STREET!

LA cops are bad asses. You don't mess with them. Last year right next door there was a cop involved shooting of a robbery suspect. I heard the shots. Sounded like fire crackers going off. They blocked off our street all day and brought in tons LAPD cars and detectives. I could watch them from my window.

Lots of stuff goes on on the street outside. Marathoners go by a couple of times a year. A crazy lady stands out there and yells at the top of her lungs fairly often. She screams obscenities all day and night long. I live a few blocks from a fire station, so I get to hear sirens blaring at all hours. I also see lots of car crashes cuz I over look an intersection. I am like a princess looking out her tower window, watching the world go by.

I made myself go out to watch Obama's motorcade go by. I am such a hermit that it is rare I am out in the street. I half glimpsed him or his look- a- like in one of the dark tinted limos whizzing by. It was a big parade of cars with swat teams and secret service going by with him. An ambulance followed. It was kinda exciting. I have such a boring life, that I need something to perk me up sometimes.

There were picketers out in front of Sony as I was driving by. They had a big inflatable blimp thing with a big poster saying "How is the economy??", and other protestors. The fundraiser is 2500 dollars a plate. Obama is there right now. My neighbor said the postal worker told her they were gonna fly him in in a helicopter, but I didn't believe that. I have been to Sony's lot, and I didn't see any room over there for that. They said on the news it was gonna cost a billion dollars for his next campaign. I think they spent about that much before on him. Maybe if Jesus Christ had returned from above for a fundraiser I would pay 2500! Other wise, no one on earth is worth that kind of money, in my opinion.

The gap between the poor and the rich is getting wider with the economy. I am so poor I run out of money by the 10th every month. I have to get an advance from my next Social Security check every month to pay my bills. And I have to pay fees for that. Some bills don't get paid. I am in debt. I have tried to pay off my two credit cards, but I gave up. I just can't do it. My car is old and about to die, and I can't even go anywhere cuz I can't afford it.

Arnold Swartzenegger is gone from the governor's office, thank God. He took away we poor people's dental and vision. I have had a big hole in one of my teeth for 2 years, but I don't have the money to get it repaired. I need a crown on another tooth, but that is like 700 dollars. So I have a temporary filling in the tooth. The dentist said, "You know this is only temporary, don't you?" Yeah, but I don't have 700 dollars to fix it! I just pray one of my front teeth doesn't break or need a root canal.

And I can't afford to take my cats to the vet anymore or buy flea meds. My cats are my only companions, so they are like my babies. I already shop at places for bargains, and I just don't know what is gonna become of me. I stay up ruminating in dread of the day I become homeless and have to start eating out of a garbage can. I will kill myself first. I really don't feel like living anyway. Life sux and then you die...

I Hate My @#$%@#%% Life!

2011-04-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here for almost a year now. Still being a recluse from depression. I did stop smoking pot cuz I kept getting manic on it, but I still think about going back on it cuz I feel so god awful depressed and sad all the time. I just sit and stare blankly at the wall. Can't do much of anything. I don't bother cleaning very much. Just lie on my couch and petrify.

I was chatting a lot with my italian online boyfriend Nico a lot. He was my bright spot in my dismal life. He said he was gonna try and visit me this coming June. Well, now I find out he is engaged.....yeah that's right, he was chatting me up while dating some bitch over there. Once again I lose in love. I fucking hate my life. I cried all weekend long. I told him if he loved her, then he should be faithful to her, instead of chatting up other women. I spent 2 fucking years of my life online with him.......2 years!!!!!!!!!!
I have come to despise men. They are all a bunch of liars as far as I am concerned....

I have been feeling sick a lot too...tired as hell all the time. Too paranoid to go out and do much. I get anxiety being out in crowds. I have tried going to this new church down the street from me. I have gone the past 2 weekends. Easter is this next Sunday. You know no matter where I go, I feel like an alien that doesn't belong to the human race. Even in church. Depression has ruined my life. It never goes away. I have lost all interest in men. Only Nico I cared for. He is so sweet and funny. I am not fit to be anyone's girlfriend anyway. I feel shitty all the time and moody. I am going through menopause. I am gonna be 52 in August, and I am still alone in my life. I lie down 99% of the time. I feel achy and bitchy and tired. I hate the way I look and feel hopeless. I am a big loser. Fucking loser, Sandi !!!!!!!!!! I cry so hard it is like I have two waterfalls streaming down my cheeks. I think obsessively of ways to kill myself. I am a damned drag, even to myself. I have nothing to offer this world. I mean nothing. I am nothing. I just take up space. I am gonna try and get to the Easter service this weekend. Only Jesus can make me feel better. Meds don't help, that is for sure.......

Same Ole Same Ole

2010-05-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

I don't care about keeping my blog going anymore. I seem to be always depressed with no letting up of pain, so it doesn't serve much purpose to keep it up. I only come here now when I can't stand how I am feeling and try to let it out by writing about it.

I am not moving forward with my life..I am still a recluse and have given up looking for work. I don't date and I distrust men immensely. I get asked out, but feel nothing for whoever wants to meet me. No physical attraction or interest in them at all. I feel only depression and apathy. I have absolutely no motivation to help myself in any way. I hate life and sleep a lot. I feel trapped and all alone. I hate the way I look and I feel I've lost all perspective on life. I have no style or clue on how to improve myself. I feel so ugly and old.

I wish again for the millionth time the courage to kill myself. I don't deserve to live.

Goodbye Romeo

2010-02-25T17:14:00.000-08:00

Well, I have not been feeling too good lately.....I finished all my visits to UCLA and have no more money coming from them, and I never heard from the jobs for which I applied. I caught another cold last week, the second since Dec., and was feeling depressed all week long. Never leaving my apt.~ just always here all the time.

What makes me upset now is seeing on tv that this young beautiful actor whose dad is the guy that plays Chekov on Star Trek was found dead in this big park in Vancouver. He had moved there to start a new life, and his family was looking for him because they hadn't heard from him since Valentine's Day. He committed suicide. He had gone off his anti depressants a year ago and he had been depressed since childhood. I am very sad for him. He was handsome with big brown eyes and long wavy dark brown hair. I feel sad because I know how he felt. I wish I could have loved him and taken care of him. I know how it feels to be alone and lonely and depressed and without hope. I prayed to God to forgive him and take him into His Arms and to Heaven.

I think like this beautiful man that took his own life, and i feel sad for him and wish I could have helped him.

I'm sorry you did this to yourself, darling! I love you even though you are gone! I mourn you even though we never met one another!

I wish someone cared if I did it to myself. If I didn't have my online friends and my cats I would go completely insane from loneliness.

A kiss to you handsome stranger! You are like a beautiful Romeo to me! Your family and friends love and miss you!

I love you too! Goodbye and God bless you dear!

More Testing At UCLA for Bipolar Research

2010-02-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

I went for an MRI yesterday at UCLA, to map my brain. It was a bizarre experience. They had me in goggles, ear plugs and a headset. Up I went into a huge womblike machine that costs 3 million dollars. I had to press buttons as I watched images flash on the screen in front of me. I was hooked up for them to monitor my breathing and pulse as well. I felt like an astronaut. After wards, I had a bad head ache. Felt sort of sick the rest of the night. I was in that thing a hour, so all those magnetic impulses directed at me can't be good for me. I made $30 from it. I have to go back and have another MRI on the 16th. I got to see my brain though. That was cool.

Looking For Work

2010-01-25T17:51:00.001-08:00

As bad as I feel, I still look for work sometimes. Admittedly, I have been staying away from looking for a long time. I get so anti social I don't want to be around anyone. But recently, I applied to be a model for students in the art dept at a local college and they hired me. Now I have to decide if I am going through with it. I have to be nude!! And tomorrow I am going to take a test to see if I can get temp work with the census. I studied the test with the answer key. It is so hard to concentrate with bipolar. I look at the words and don't get it. The answer key helped me to understand what the hell they were saying. Government tests are always worded weirdly anyway. So I have to go out into the world again tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Another Saturday Night Alone...

2010-01-23T20:10:00.000-08:00

I've been sick with a cold for the past two weeks. Only went out once in that two weeks, to the store. I am a total recluse~not going out unless I have to. Depression has ruined my life. I think about taking all my Lexapro every time I take one. Take the whole bottle. I sleep a lot and feel tired constantly. Thinking of going out anywhere seems impossible for me. I just leave the tv on to keep me company.

Even that gets to be too much sometimes. I have tons of books I don't care anything about reading. And I used to really like reading. I am not interested in working, going out, going to church, going on dates, making friends.....I pretty much decided no one cares anything about me anyway, or would want to know me once they have met me. I have been ditched enough times after one or two dates to know that men don't like me. That I am strange or different. That I have nothing to offer. I hate feeling like this. I hate being alone but don't know how to change it. I am anti social and hate the world.

I think of going to Santa Monica to Third St Promenade to walk around, and then I think I have no money, or the hassle of driving there and of always everywhere I go of being alone no matter how many people are around me. I am a ghost walking among the living. They don't see me. They pass by me and through me, since I am transparent and of no essence. A wisp of smoke. An apparition drifting aimlessly along with no direction. I do no matter. I am nothing.

Or when I go to Venice Beach, I liken myself to just a grain of sand among the billions....I am of no consequence to Nature. I just am. I breathe and I think, but I don't mean anything to the Universe. Do I have any worth? Do I matter? Why was I born? To be self aware is a curse sometimes. Animals just live their lives day to day, unaware of themselves. They are not tortured by these thoughts. I have deep feelings and so I suffer. I think I am no good, and so I suffer. I know no one loves me, and so I suffer. If I went to Santa Monica pier and threw myself off the end of it. So what? Big deal! Just another loser gone from the world.

Back On Meds Again

2010-01-06T12:55:00.000-08:00

I was at UCLA Monday for more bipolar testing, and I told Chelsea about how suicidal I was feeling over New Years. She called my therapist Jane, and Jane called me into the clinic to have a meeting with her and my psyc doc. They say the same thing~~u have to make changes in ur life and stick to the meds...I say, well, I've been on everything and none of it helps me. What about Wellbutrin, the doc says~~I say I've been on it for years and years, and it gives me vivid nightmares. Ok, you don't wanna be on Zoloft anymore because of the sexual side effects, and Cymbalta dries you out. If you are not willing to stay on the meds, how are you going to feel any better? Me: But I did try those damn drugs! I was on Zoloft for years and Cymbalta I tried for about a year, maybe less. It dries me out until it's unbearable. Doc: So maybe you have to have a trade off? Me: Why? They don't help me! I've taken them every day, and I still feel like shit. I still feel depressed and un motivated! Around in circles we went. I eventually consented to go back on Lexapro.

My doc says, "Sandra, Jane and I like you~~we don't want you to kill yourself. We want to help you." I tell him, "I like you guys too! But I can't go on feeling like this~~it's excruitating!" Hell, I forgot how to spell. Anyway, he basically lectures me again for the 40th time that I have to commit myself to changing my life~~start going out and stop isolating myself. I say, "Don't you think I say that to myself every day?? I ask myself, What the hell is wrong with you, Sandi? That you can't even get showered and walk outside your apt.? Even go to the lobby to the mailbox? " He says," Well you enjoy being miserable and then complaining about it." I say, " No I don't enjoy being miserable! I want to get well and be normal, and I'm a fucking alien!"

I told him when I was on UCLA campus the other day, I was like an alien observer, watching hordes of people scurrying this way and that. They looked miserable too. But they had some sort of purpose. I have no purpose in life. I just exist. Anyway, we spoke a long while, and it all comes down to the fact that I hate myself. He says I must work with Jane to find out why I hate myself so much. They both know how I self sabotage to drive men away. How I think I'm a big loser. I want to feel better about myself, but aging is getting me down so much. Like I have missed the boat on happiness, and it's too late. I made an effort to put some make up on and am about to leave to go back to UCLA, but instead of thinking I look nice, I see all the damned wrinkles my skin is turning out. I can't deal with losing my looks. It truly sux. That was my only armor I had, and it is crumbling away. I feel like I'm losing my identity, and since I have shitty self esteem anyway, I find that it is getting even lower still. I've been hiding myself from the world over 10 yrs now, and I just can't deal with life anymore. I don't matter. I am nothing.

goodbye my beautiful amico

2010-01-03T12:26:00.000-08:00

now i know i am officially crazed. i really am. i am crying over deleting this online friend of mine i made that is from italy. me in my jealously deleted him for the second time cuz i want him all to myself and when i see he likes other women, adios! goodbye. now i am sorry. how many times i have done this to men, i don't know. i call it my monthly explosion. i get pms, then go nuts, then my period, act crazy, dump men and friends....and then regret and repent at leisure. i wake up every day since new years eve, yelling , i want to die!!! pounding myself in my face~~scratching long marks down my cheeks ..... hag! omg ur are so ugly! look at u, u pathetic piece of shit! u fucking useless old bitch! crone! go get a knife and hack urself! why don't u just kill urself??! no one wants u! u loser! god, u make me sick! why don't u crawl away and die, u filth?? i say that and other tasty things to myself when i catch how awful i look in the mirror. when i see how my neck sags and how old i am appearing these days. it truly does my head in.

now i am missing my sweet friend from italy, nico. i want him and can't have him, so i delete him and hurt his feelings. last time i deleted him, he begged to come back. he is sweet, kind, interesting and loving person. so what do i do , i spit on him. i disappear~~we have been chatting for months and poof, i am gone. ~~well, i am a jealous, insecure person. because i know he can do better and with younger women. he plays with my feelings and maybe doesn't realize it so much. he says things like "i dream about u, and i want to give u a new life"...and then he goes and flirts with other women. so i say adios amico.

in a rational person, they would know that in reality, that meeting someone from overseas is remote, and just think of being friends only. i tried to think like that, i let myself get attached to him anyway. having an online relationship with someone is a weird thing. i dreamt of him too. i dreamt of italy and running off the be with him. ditching LA and never coming back to america. i have had numerous marriage proposals since i went online, from men in other countries, but i felt something for nico. he is a good man. i knew he was a real human. oh well, get over it sandi. u are ugly now. u know he would take one look at how u are really looking these days, and he would have dropped u. i really am homely and ugly with out makeup. i can make myself beautiful sometimes if i try , but these days with my wrinkles and sagging skin, i feel horrible about my looks.

my moods are going to be the death of me yet.

and not only do i have to torture myself with thoughts like that, i have to hate myself for what a slug i've become as well. what the hell is wrong with u? why can't u go out and support urself and get off ur ass and do something with ur life? u fucking waste of life and air! taking up precious space! u lazy piece of shit! drain on society! other people work and take care of themselves, and become something, and what do u do??? nothing! sit and never leave ur apt! living off the government~~waste of humanity! feeling sorry for urself! get off ur ass and do something u pig! etc...

i woke up this morning, feeling too ill to go to church. hating life. my neighbor denise wanted me to take her to church. she asked me a few times that "don't u feel better here {touching her heart} when u are in church?" i said yes last week, thinking it does lessen my depression some, but when she asked me yesterday, i felt nothing but anger and bitterness inside. i curse at god sometimes~~i'm a real blasphemer. curse god out good. i guess that is what crazy women do.....why don't u fukkin kill me, damn u? things like that.....

New Year's Hell

2010-01-01T20:19:00.000-08:00

I have been debating killing myself all day today. And last night as well. Going into my bedroom and hanging myself with my belt. I really think I am a coward for not doing it. Wouldn't have been cool and odd if I had declared to all my friends on my social sites that at midnight on New Years, I was killing myself? How dramatic! And almost artistic..like I am finishing a piece of art with a whoosh of flair...voila! I don't see my psych doc again til the 17th. I guess it's back to the f~~ing meds again. I feel so irritable I want to murder someone. I scream and rant and have dark thoughts. I pretty much hate life and wanna die. No, really?? It's not like you haven't said it a million times, moron! He gave me a couple of sheet of paper that says mood diary on them. I am supposed to mark which box for how I feel each day. Mania~~severe, moderate, mild or STABLE/ Depression~~severe, moderate, mild or STABLE. haha stable. what a joke. Severe depression most days, lessening a little, but never moderate. My hormones have a key in it I know, so he wants me to track my moods. Suicidal after my period. I wish I would get more manic episodes.. I get brilliant then! Fucking Leonardo Di Vinci brilliant! hahah!

Thanks BRB, my one and only reader and friend. You are a nice person for reading this junk and making nice comments. I feel for what u go through too. At least someone knows what it is like to suffer from depression. My mother called today and I was asleep in one of my comatose naps I fall into to escape. She asked me if I was tired, and I said, yeah, tired of living......

I sat at my computer as midnight rang in for the New Year last night, and heard fireworks over at UCLA...another year spent alone in this apt. Just me and my cats. Watched the ball go down in Times Square, and saw couples kissing passionately...my heart breaks that I have no one to call my own, but conversely, I shoot down all the men trying to meet me. What am I looking for???? I have this perverse idea of Prince Charming and the slipper~~~like I'm gonna know my mate the instant I meet him. My thinking and reality is way off, obviously. I have lived my life in dreams of what I want, and tasted dirt and pathos. I am Cinderella still in ashes and soot. Barefoot and in rags. Aging Cinderella.....The prince has ridden on, my dear..

Some guy that wants to meet me said not more than an hour ago to me on Tagged, that I wasn't getting any younger, and that I should maybe try him because maybe I was messing with my destiny. Yeah, right, in his dreams. If my skin crawls at the thought of meeting him, he is not my destiny. Now who is being deluded? If he thinks I am going with him, he is. Most men turn me off. It is rare I am attracted to one these days. All these years of letting sub humans in my life has burned me but good. Drug addicts and users. Living off me and my goodness. I despise them all now. I would love to hunt them all down and kill them slowly. Abusing me and treating me bad. Living off my money. None of them were men~real men take care of their women. I am so angry at myself for letting them slither into my life and take advantage of me. I can't get over it. I hate them and above all, I hate me for letting them in. I knew they were no good. I had fore knowledge they were trash. I could see they were no good. But my kind heart and low self esteem gave them a chance, they brought on this mess that I am now.

So, I quit dating. I am spoiled goods. I need a porter for all my mental and emotional baggage I carry with me everywhere. I am ashamed of my mental state, and don't want to show it to potential dates. I don't want to get dropped for being me. I don't want them to think I am weird. So I stay alone. I don't want the rejection. So I reject them first and get it over with. Let them think I am unobtainable. Because when they meet me, they see I am a wreck and then they don't want to know me anymore. I have this pathological need to tell them what a loser I am. So I avoid knowing them. Men don't want crazy girls, and I am mental, that is for sure. Happy Fucking New Year!

Happy New Decade~2010

2009-12-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

I'm still single....Pondering if this year will be my last here on Earth. I think this way every year. To be or not to be, that is the question.....I get so low around Xmas and New Years. Another year older and still alone. I actually went out on a date the other night, and was wondering what the hell i was doing there. I feel like I don't belong of this world at all. I turn down men all the time, and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Like I want to be miserable or something. I just don't feel I got it in me to live a normal life. I don't want to date someone and get attached to him. I don't feel I have anything to offer a man. I'm not pretty enough, sexy enough, interesting enough, responsible enough, etc.. so I shoot them down before I even give them a chance. Convinced I am nothing. I lie on my couch and listen to my music and chat with online friends sometimes. They are a safe distance away... over in Italy or Spain or wherever. Local guys I tell I am not interested and that I don't date.

Medication and therapy doesn't help me at all. I go to church sometimes and that helps a little. I really don't want to live another year, to be honest. I called UCLA the other and said I was too depressed to come in. Too depressed to move. I finally went in this past Monday to do some more Psych testing, and Chelsea asked me to come into her office. She asked me if I were safe and that she was concerned about me. Oh don't worry, I say, I go through this every year. I won't do anything to myself. Yeah, that's because I'm a big wuss and a coward. I ask God to put me out of my misery, but I am still here. If everyone has something to offer the world, I would dearly love to know what I have to offer.

UCLA Bipolar Research Thingy Today

2009-12-08T07:14:00.000-08:00

God, I woke up with my guts in a knot from anxiety, thinking about venturing out to famous UCLA campus here in Westwood, to meet Chelsea, the girl who is conducting bipolar research. Means cash to me. Something of which I am in short supply of. I met Chelsea back in July I think, when I went there with my friend Denise. Denise is in the program, so I asked D to go with me on the bus to show me how to get there. My car wasn't running, and I had to start riding busses.

I only have a short time to be in the program, cuz they only take women up to age 50. Me being compulsively honest as ridiculous as that is, had to blurt out my life story as usual. I have this need to let everyone I meet know what a loser I am, so I of course told Chelsea I was addicted to pot at the time, and was self medicating. She's a very nice person, but told me that I had to wait 6 months to be in the program again and be clean from drugs in all that time. Once again my need to blurt out my foibles causes me to shoot myself in the foot.

So here I am, months later, still clean from pot. If I hadn't told her that, I could have stayed in the program and been getting money to be interviewed. Now I am sick from anxiety, and thinking of excuses not to go, cuz UCLA campus intimidates me. I am a full time recluse, and even though I live on a busy LA street with thousands of cars going by all the time, I am removed from it, living on the 4th floor. I can look out and see life go by~watching it happen to other humans. My Ivory Tower, I call it. My cats my only companions. My cats drive me crazy sometimes, but I think I would commit suicide if I didn't have them for some kind of affection. I get asked out on dates everyday on Tagged.com, but the thought of going to meet a stranger from the net puts me off, so I turn them all down. I feel I have nothing to offer a real man anyway....And of course, the holiday season always does my head in.

My therapist Jane says I CAN get out, and that I have to force myself to do it. I made myself go to church on Sunday, and everyone there is so nice, asking me where I had been, since I'd been gone from there for months as well. There is a big stained glass window over the choir and pulpit, of Jesus with his arms out stretched, and I always say hi to him and stare at him while the pastor gives his sermon. I feel so far removed from humanity that I feel like an alien from another planet when I am amongst other humans. I stare at Jesus and wonder how a sweet, self deluded carpenter from a tiny town thought himself to be God himself, and how he believed it so much, he was willing to die for it. Then I think that maybe Jesus was bi polar or schizophrenic, cuz I think I am bipolar angel from the City of Angels myself sometimes...Don't want to sound blasphemous, and I love Jesus, but that's the kind of weird thoughts that go around in my head always.

I still get messages from God sometimes, but I haven't so much since I quit smoking pot. My problem is I am so addicted to it, I can smoke non stop all day, trying to keep that level of high going. Last time I got a message was not too long ago. I was watching a show named Supernatural, and there was a scene where Sam and Dean, the brothers who fight demons, meet who they though was a demon, but who was really the angel Gabriel. Right as they find this out, this song on my playlist on my computer starts playing this song by Lamb called Gabriel...."I can fly, but I want his wings~~My angel Gabriel..." This happens to me enough that it gets my attention. My playlist is automatic and changes tunes everytime a song comes on. Jung would call it Synchonicity, and maybe to some degree it is, the mass unconcious human mind works, but these are machines that I get messages from. I try to write this stuff down to authenticate it when it happens on the radio, to prove that there was a song at such and such a day from the station. But the song Gabriel playing was my own little message I suppose, since I can't prove it played just at that moment. I have had a couple of other things happen back in the summer, but will write that down laste. Now, I have gear myself up to get to UCLA. Stuff like getting through this god awful LA traffic and finding a parking space makes me fret and get sick, just anticipating...

And I want to say hi to BRB, the guy who left me a comment on my last posting. You said you never got any encouragement growing up, and ur self esteem stinks too.. Yeah I know how that is. Sometimes I despise my mama for that. Never a hug or a kiss, or her telling me she loved me. Throwing out my art work that I put up on my walls. I try to forgive her, cuz she is self absorbed person and said she was raised without love herself, but at age 50, I am still suffering from it. I ask my therapist if I am ever going to get over it~I mean my mom is 81 yrs old, for pete's sake....Am I going to resent her to her grave?

Grey Saturday In LA

2009-12-05T09:23:00.000-08:00

Grey today ~supposed to rain. In pain as always. Thinking about what a screw up I am. Thinking about how I'm letting my life pass me by, being a recluse. Avoiding going out. Waking up crying and wondering why I can't get my shit together. Growing old alone......I just think of different ways to kill myself every holiday season. Go outside and lie in the busy traffic~overdose on my old meds......go buy a gun and blow my head off.....I'm a loser.....my life is going nowhere.....no one loves me.

My therapist says, "Well, u don't do anything to get ur self out of it. Everything that comes out of ur mouth is negative"....How can I explain to her that it is ingrained in me? She knows I have low self esteem. She knows I think I'm ugly no matter how many men say I'm pretty. All I ever see is the wrinkles and sagging skin. I call myself a hag in the mirror. I tell myself no one would want a pathetic loser like me. I hate life. Why would anyone want a negative person like me around?

I just lie on my couch with my cats, not moving. Listening to life pass me by outside. I live on a very busy LA street, and wonder how all these people get through their days......I can't move. I sleep a lot. Can't even be bothered to feed myself most of the time. Sometimes, I wake up, and I'm lying like a mummy with my arms crossed~~even in sleep this death like feeling permeates me. I dream always of going to these beautiful places.....all the lovely tranquil spots in the world I crave to be a part of. I cry and hit myself in the head when i wake up, in terrible pain that I am missing the beauty the world has to offer. I hate myself for missed opportunities and letting myself get involved with men that used and abused me. How I wasted my child bearing years on these low lifes.....How I could have had a better life, but my low self esteem kept me from choosing good men.....Never thought I was good enough or smart enough or pretty enough for a decent man to love. Every time a man likes me, I have a need to tell him what is wrong with me. I point out my beauty flaws or other things I think needs to be said. I want him to know I'm not worth loving.....

Christmas season is the worst time of year for me. Reminds me of all I don't have and never will have. No husband or family. No home. Just me and my cats.......I'm grateful for my low rent apt., but I think I will end my days here....

Another Bummer Holiday Season Spent Alone..

2009-12-01T12:28:00.000-08:00

I haven't been here to my blog since August, and actually found a couple of comments waiting for me. Didn't even know anyone read this crap I spill out. God knows even I can't be bothered to read it. Too depressing. I just fell so awful I thought I'd stop by and write something cuz I feel like death itself. Can't get off my couch. Just live on it with my cats. All three of us try to sleep on it together. Gets crowded.
I've stopped smoking pot again, cuz it was making me even crazier, if that's possible. So I've been clean since around June. Tried meds again, and have gone off them again. My friend Kim says I should get down on my knees and thank God for medication, but it never really helps me that much anyway. I'm miserable on it and off it. All I know is my life is totally passing me by....

Whatever

2009-08-07T09:18:00.000-07:00

I just want to put down how awful i feel. how sad and alone and depressed and miserable. how much i hate life. how i want to die. how i can't leave my apt or look for a job or go out on a date. i don't want to live. it is unbearable living like this. it is not a life. it is pure pain.

RIP Michael

2009-07-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

Been too ill to comment on all the celebrities dropping dead recently. Very sad Michael passed on. What a talent! He can't feel the beat anymore, and that's sad. But on the same token, the love love love love love that the world had directed at him sent him straight to heaven, amen, to be with his ex dad in law, elvis the pelvis , to rock out , twist and shout in the sky! yes jesus! i feel all spiritual all of the sudden.

Same song, different verse.....

2009-06-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

Still not well. I finally started moving and functioning a little in the past few days out of necessity. I had to again advance money from my SSDI to try and get some groceries for me and my cats. I had nothing in frig and no cat food, litter, or toilet paper. I have not been going out of my apt in weeks----years...it is endless. I have to go to dentist today to see about my tooth that has been falling apart before our MediCal quits paying dental in a few days. Thanks Arnold Swarzeneggger....I am quite despondant these days on a daily basis, and have lost weight. I look old and awful to me. I am sure I will never attract a mate now. Why would anyone decent want a mental case that is old looking on top of it? I sent out a couple of resumes today, even though I feel this way. This person that I was infatuated with has proven to me he does not want me, even though that is what he stated when we met. I feel like a fool and a slut. Well, I have never been known to make wise decisions when it comes to men. I tell people that in another life, I must have been a man that treated women badly, because I feel like I am paying for it now with my come uppance. I try to attach meaning to my suffering, but it is what it is, I guess. Some people function better in society, and I have always gravitated to the outer circles because of my inferiority complex. Intellectually, I realize I am smart and somewhat attractive, but my ego is damaged. Yep. I am damaged goods, and men see that and run away from me. Me and my pessimistic attitudes do not help it either. It would be so wonderful to feel normal and not overwhelmed with fear and self hatred. Low self esteem ruined my life.

Saturday inside my head

2009-06-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

I can't deal with this stress of no money.. I have gone over the edge in alot of ways. Won't leave my apt...Won't have anything to do with my friends. Depression is killing me. My friends pounded on my door a couple of days ago, to see if I was still alive. I wanna die. I think about it enough. I feel very sluggish and can't function. I try to sleep, and am depressed and frightened in my dreams. I wake up crying and feeling hopeless. I just don't know if I have a worth to my life. That I matter in any way whatsoever. Men on my social sites tagged and myspace tell me how beautiful I am all the time.. How desirable and sweet. I eat ashes and say thank u. It doesn't mean anything to me. I have learnt that some of these men that I have told to read my blog and have told that I have messages sent to me, is avoiding me. AndI have found that men avoid me after a couple of dates. They don't wanna know a crazy girl. Fuck u all............

Hey Arnold---yeah u!!!

2009-06-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

I just want to take a moment and talk about our wonderful governor Arnold and how he is cutting all poor peoples money to make up the state deficit...Just to let u know, Arnold, I had both my SSI and SSA cut, and now have $4 in my bank acct. to get me through the month...It is the 19th of the month and I guess me and my cats starve the rest of the month. Not only that, u take away dental.....What next, medical? I have been going mental for weeks cuz I cant' pay my bills anymore, and I get punished further by u taking away even more money. Thanks alot. I cry on a daily basis and am ill. I have to go out and get job feeling suicidal......I pace the floors in a manic state every night, wondering what is going to become of me. I get delusional even. But u and Maria go and have a nice dinner that ur fucking chef cooks.......Fucking governator....

Ponderin' life in my lil red geo

2009-06-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

i have no doubt that in some way this is really happening to me, because i keep getting messages.....got in my car and meandered unthinking towards venice beach to maybe drown myself..as luck would have it, it was street cleaning day so couldn't find parking so i just drove around in traffic....LA traffic is so horrible...i heard this song i had never heard before, saying, so u want to take ur life......i felt i was getting messages again......i found a quiet back street and pulled under a shade tree....bob marley came on, singing, give thanks & praise to the lord and feel alright........thanks bob.....KROQ lunch break.....i cry and listen to pink floyd the wall....is this all tied in with my mental illness?????? is this all real????? am i just a speck of sand ?? a mote in God's eye?????? LA traffic boxes me in from all sides.....i feel paranoid and afraid i am losing it....god i don't know what to think anymore....

OMG This is Real.....

2009-06-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

I am angel, i have angel page,,i live in the city of angels....world listen, i am going to go and die now....either i am on esoteric high and need to be hospitalized, or this is real..........god is calling us all to love another, do not fear we come in peace.....red skies at night red skies at night.......stand or falll???? state ur piece tonight....stand or fall? state ur PEACE tonight....it's the euro theatre.......stand or fall.......???????????? r u reading me steve??????? if this is not real, just say hi on hotmail,,,,,,ok caio....by gianni, alessandros, giovannis, marcos, paolos, etcs. u guys mean alot to me.........be artists, all of u the world over.......rich people take care of poor angelina angelina angel..............................i like ur dad, give him a break....hahahaha whooooooo!! go Angel Lakers.......!!! maybe u won on purpose?? now give money to the poor ...

Just another day in LA......nothin' special....

2009-06-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

Very emotional this morning......my married Paul doesn't even call me anymore, so I have to forget he exists and go on....I was infatuated with him, but that is totally over now. He knows I am bipolar and can't pay my bills and looking for work...to not even call and see if I am ok speaks volumes to me.....

When I go delusional like I have been doing for weeks now, it is a bitter thing to realize I have no one to turn to to talk about this..that I have to go it alone....I have my therapist Jane, but it is not enough......I am alone in this world.....bipolar world. My doc says I am unstable and may be going starting to go through menopause so he wanted me to go to my doc.....I am distraught that once again I am proven wrong that I am not here to help this world---that I am not an angel, and that I am just mentally ill and that I don't matter in this world. I have to stop crying and just realize I have no one but me to rely on.....

It's so weird....I feel I have a message to get out to the world, but so what? Others have already done it....what would make me more special than them...??? That others could talk to me while I am in a full delusional state and channeling dead celebreties and God himself...........??? Am I real? Does this thing I have inside me really exist? I don't know anymore....My name in greek means helper of mankind...does that mean anything? Was I really given a mission????????

I asked my friend in Italy to tell me what is reality? Asked him to think about it and get back to me.....I am not sure anymore, but know that the 3 dimensional kind is too harsh for me to live in. I am slowly dying and scared......

Thank God This Isn't Real After All

2009-06-16T01:40:00.000-07:00

I was afraid I was being for real being called for a mission, but since I have not heard anything from Steve, I realize that this is all in my head.....maybe Joan of Arc was bipolar.....getting messages from God........thank u God, for letting me realize this is not reality....i feel asleep for a couple of hours and woke up and couldn't tell what was what.....I still get esoteric messages though.....

u know what? fuck it..

2009-06-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

on second thought, stay out of my life...i am suffering demons....nothing more....this is not realllll......there is no way in hell i am getting in touch with u......this is not realllll................i am manic.....that is all.....i don't wanna ruin my life going public.......i would never get a job or mate..........please disregard earlier messages.......please this is not real.............

Oh I See, Not Real Then????????

2009-06-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

Steve u will read this or I will die trying.........I have realized from looking at all of my stuff on my pages, that I have to be creative or die.................bipolar disorder is pain amplified.........plz know i am not wellllll.......please don't stalk me....i am lonely girl.....i am afraid.....go lakers.......spend some of that money from the parade to feed people----i just wanna know if this is real.......

Circlin" the drain steve...pls say hi on hotmail......

2009-06-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

sick sick sick skcici yah, i be ill'n i aint chillin like a vllian....dig it? i wanna know this is real.....plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

YaY LaKeRs WoRlD ChAmPiOnS

2009-06-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

cant' write much now...just to say that i went to see my psych doc today and told him i am dying....he wants me to go to my health clinic to get physical.....lost about 10 lbs....told him i am not interested in taking meds anymore--they don't help, and that i have a death wish....meanwhile, fukkin kobe and the lakers are heros and everyone is bragging on the tv every 5 mins.....$2 mil for a parade weds...people in their cars, with laker flags waving....i have realized that i can make a multi media statement about being bipolar in la.....i will give steve til weds to verify history, and let his friends read this....hi robert, hi jamie,,, luv u guys, hi meg.....i am either crazy, or this is for real.......sos sos sos sending out an sos bono.............sting.........robin williams......bill gates......oprah.....dr phil.....madonna.......sheryl crow........paul mccartney.....elton john.....i am very esoteric.....robin please get in touch with me......am i an angel sent from GOD???????????? u decide......... go lakers!!!!! please if this is for real, please leave me in peace in my ivory tower.....get in touch with me through blog or myspace.......please i am very afraid.......please don't hurt lamb of god.....i am a flower........boll weevil......scares me....:o)

Vestiges of a car wreck

2009-06-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what that means...I just write what comes to me. I feel like I am slowly dying.....Weak and illl. Full on manic high last night-----I am surprised I woke up and am still alive..fukkin mental, dude...when my friend and I walked the few blocks to see soloist yesterday, I told her I was weak and it was hard to get there...while watching movie,,,I was making loud comments and crying.....she and I were both crying cuz we are both bipolar and live an apt bldg full of mentals on disability....when u live in 3 and a half and sometimes 4 dimensions, everything is intensified in ur head.....I didn't know if I could make it back home, I was so ill... my friend asked me jokingly if she would have to carry me home on her back.....i have cancer of the spirit....I ask God to get me physically well so I can do my mission and get the word out about being homeless and mentally ill.....about the state of the world.......I wanna write about my life on the outside looking in and the effects of isolation has on the brain......maybe NASA could benefit from knowledge for further space explorations........I am isolated and detached from the world, yet live in total urban environs, with busy LA street right outside my window....it is my mind that is a prisoner, and body follows.....I feel the pastor at my church is out to get me...he has learned my secret and is really evil and wants to stop me. I don't trust him...should I go to church and say hi to God and reboot soul, only to have evil pastor stalk me to my car and try and get me to join church? No, I will stay home.. Too weak to sit through service......

prequel aduex

2009-06-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

i gotta reiterate----keep reading older posts to get to my essay on being bipolar in la 1-7......caio amicos...

Steve Lopez, come in Steve

2009-06-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

Are u reading me? Coming in loud and clear? Sending out echo location to determine ur whereabouts ....Getting esoteric messages alot since going off meds and smoking high grade dispensary hydropnics.....feel 3 and half dimensions. mission statement----to reach as many as pos to regroup and reset mother earth....nuclear war , scorched earth back to stone age? iran iraq north korea china..... red skies at night....it's the euro theater.......red skies at night.........fixx.....walked almost crawled to see the soloist at el cheapo movie theater down the street....god is sending me messagesssssss --dont' give up hope sandi......bring the masses together.....cosmic conciousness....creativity the key....dance, write, sing, enjoy love, help the planet and animals---give to the poor...adopt unwanted babies......stop holocaust of animal species....love the earth. love god....u r not alone in this world....god loves u....steve lopez .......he's a cool guy actuallly !!!!!!!hahahaha starring my bipolar baby robert....he groks being mental..jamie groks it....sugar to steve, sugar to steve...don't let me lose ur signal......jamie and his glassy fire eyes...

ill and dying, but looking for work?

2009-06-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

i've been languishing for weeks, losing weight from depression.. very reclusive and addicted.....playing my music loud and going delusional..pacing the floors, getting messages from god.....crying on my cyber boyfriends' shoulders about my bipolarness.....i feel like i have to confess my illnesss to everyone, like it is a sin or something....i am ashamed of my disease. i am embarassed to talk about it, but feel compelled, cuz i am in such pain....i chat with tons of hot looking guys from all over the world....got over 2300 friends on tagged now. i return emails 24/7 it seems...fucking depressed as hell the whole time. not just mental either....physically i feel like i'm dying or something. getting scrawny looking. my clothes hang off me, and i can reach across my stomach and touch hands, i am that thin...

and then i go to job interview......i try to function in this too real world with its traffic and noise and millions of anonymous faces....i have been off my psych meds for 3 weeks now. manic......acting crazy...blowing kisses at men... this is how i used to be in my 20s and 30s....flirtatious.....and trying to find job at the same time.....weird....

Vs...

2009-06-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

It's official I can't pay my bills anymore. I have been trying for so long to hang on and pay off all my debt. Now, I just have to let it all go and let it ruin my credit I have been trying to build up since my bankruptcy in 1999. I cannot express how petrified I am of my dismal future. No money. No love. I cry on a daily basis. I don't know what's going to become of me. I don't want to be homeless and eating out of a garbage can. Should I be some rich man's girlfriend so I can pay my bills? I feel too ugly for anyone to want me. I feel like I am going to be circling the drain before long. To live alone and have no one to lean on or care what is happening to me is unbearable. I have known a life full of pain and wanting. I have never known love --i have never felt security. I it is me, myself and I out there against the World. I used to say Sandi vs the world, but it is no doubt vice versa. The World vs Sandi. The World ambivalent to Sandi. Dog eat dog. Survival of the fittest. I am aging quickly. I feel used up. Sink or swim Sandi. I feel leaden--how can I stay afloat in this cut throat town?