I haven't been well lately. I feel sick in the head. You know, I just view life differently..I am too emotional and negative. REALITY IS TOO HARSH FOR ME. I am just so sensitive to everything. Noise, bright lights, crowds of people, traffic.....can't deal anymore. LA has finally won over me. I have fought for a long time to survive here, but I can't stand it anymore. I refuse to grow old alone here in this city. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis. I hate life and humans and not knowing what I am doing anymore.
I do believe there is evil in this world, cuz I have met it through bad humans that were in my life.
So I am damaged and fearful and suspicious from that, and ill from being poor and worrying how I can keep supporting myself. And loving someone I can't have is extremely painful. Don't know if it is love anymore. More anger and hatred. Some fucking Russian bitch has my baby Nico. I hate him and her both and hope they die.
Other than that, I am a gentle person with animals, and I love flowers and beauty. Sometimes the flower withers in the desert heat. Only I thirst for beauty, peace and love.......I don't wanna be here anymore.
Positive affirmation~God loves me? Why am I always in pain and sorrow then? If I have a curse on me
God, please take it away from me!
If I hurt myself and die, is it me, Sandi doing it, or my mental illness? Do I go to hell for suicide, even though I feel sad and miserable and lonely every day?? Why would anyone want to live if they are totally alone in this world and no one cares about them? Ånyone would think of suicide.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
HUD Housing Inspection again.....
Been cleaning this apt for 4 days now, getting ready for yet another inspection. Another summer spent alone and lonely. It seems like it never ends. I have been self medicating for weeks now. Today, I am thinking....should I go to church tonight, or give in and commit suicide? I jumped and laughed like a lunatic when I had a big knife in my hand today, cuz I had this sudden intense impulse to stab myself in the heart or neck. That is in my mind a lot. Just doing away with myself. I hate being depressed and feeling unloved. I hate life, as usual.....I dream a lot about Nico. He is my un attainable....I am ignoring him pretty much. We say hi sometimes. I told him that he made his decision to not meet me, and to get involved with someone else, so I am just gonna stay away from him.
I go out to church or Venice Beach or wherever with my girlfriends to occupy myself sometimes. They hate living here too, so not only do I feel miserable, I get to hear all their complaints about their lives. I just wanna run screaming away from them when they start. Jump off a pier or something drastic...I listen to the Christian broadcasting channel, and all these preachers say God has a plan for me....yeah, well I would dearly love to know what that plan is! Cuz I have no clue what to do with my life anymore. I don't wanna live anymore.
Positive affirmation....whatever................x
I go out to church or Venice Beach or wherever with my girlfriends to occupy myself sometimes. They hate living here too, so not only do I feel miserable, I get to hear all their complaints about their lives. I just wanna run screaming away from them when they start. Jump off a pier or something drastic...I listen to the Christian broadcasting channel, and all these preachers say God has a plan for me....yeah, well I would dearly love to know what that plan is! Cuz I have no clue what to do with my life anymore. I don't wanna live anymore.
Positive affirmation....whatever................x
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Princess and the Pauper
I woke up today thinking of Kate Middleton Windsor, the new princess from England. She and her new hubby Prince William is in town this weekend, and is gonna be at Sony today, which is close to me.
I just keep thinking how blessed her life is now. How wealthy and privileged she is now. How her accident of birth was maybe pre ordained for her happiness. I hope she does good things with her popularity now, and help less fortunate than she. Follow the lead of her deceased mother in law, Diana.
People are paying big money to be close to the royal couple. $25,000 a piece for the chance to play polo with Prince William yesterday in Santa Barbara. $4000 a piece just to watch them play and have a nice lunch. $400 a piece just to sit on the side lines and have a box lunch.
Movies stars gushing over them. The governor of CA, Jerry Brown, and the mayor of LA, Antonio, Villigrosa, waiting at the airport tarmac Friday to greet them and welcome the couple to LA. It must be wonderful to be rich and powerful. Fans lining up everywhere to see them. No doubt, there will be more fans lining the streets around here when they arrive at Sony today. There was big crowds here when Obama went by back a couple of months ago. Very dramatic with the Secret Service, the Navy bomb squads and their dogs....helicopters circling.....fun to watch him whisk by in his motorcade.....I always thought I am gonna be famous one day for some reason. I am delusional again maybe...
I imagine how as I watch Katherine of England ride by in her what I imagine is a gold festooned chariot, past my apt bldg in she and William's motorcade, that I am magically transported and exchange places with her. And I imagine how horrified she would be to be living my life. Talk about reversal of fortune! She now being poor and feeling unwanted and alone. A starving animal licking it's chops and the banquet through the glass.
It would now be ME in her body, eating the gourmet food and being waited on hand and foot, and traveling to exotic places and being married to a handsome and educated prince. And if I were her, I would help people and animals. Not because it is expected of me because of my royal duties, but because I have a heart beating inside me and hate to see suffering. Let God guide me to do HIS service.
Good luck, Katherine. God bless you and all your progeny. America wishes you well. Please be kind and think of others. Help the homeless and addicted and hopeless. Feed the poor and educate the children. Promote culture and art. Make it a priority in school children's lives. Creativity is the key to evolving another part of our brains. We only use like 10 per cent of our brains you know. Just think what a creation we are if we unlock the other 90 per cent!
I wish I could be a working artist and do something positive with my life. I have some talent, but I feel so ill and despondent, that I feel half dead. I hardly ever see the light of day, being bipolar angel of LA...reclusive saint....ancient mariner....the lost flying dutchman....forced to live a half life. Fear controls....it grips and scatters me and sub merges me.
I once read this comic book. Ripley's Believe It Or Not. I will always remember about this european noble man hundreds of years ago that lived in a castle and slept 23 hours a day....just got up to eat. I sometimes feel like that guy. Trapped in a world of my own making. A prisoner of my own home.
Fear of old age and dying alone....I sleep a lot to avoid life. But I have dreams every night of trying to escape and traveling to exotic places and feeling loved and wanted....every night! And every night I am trying to find work in my dreams and getting laughed at. Anxiety about being poor and growing old alone is doing a big number on my head. I am so frightened of becoming homeless. I will kill myself first. I really will. I think about it a lot.
Katherine is a modern day Cinderella. Celebrities and important political people the world over want to know her and listen to what she has to say. She will never know a moment of fear of poverty. Or want for something to eat. She will give birth to little princes and princesses, and will be Queen of England one day.
I want to get a part time job at Sony, and somehow get on my feet financially. I can't stand being poor anymore. Going to the Catholic church down the street to get food from the pantry there. Old Trader Joe's food. Food that is going off and is rotten. Being treated like a loser by the volunteers there. Being talked down to by the women there because I need food. What kind of Christians these women are, I just don't know.
When u are poor, u are treated differently. Like u are worthless. And I have learned to stop telling people I am bi polar, because I am judged then as well. I sometimes blurt it out, just to get someone to hear my pain, but I am gonna try and not tell so many people any more. I am smart and have done things with my life before, but if I tell people I am bi polar, I am less of a human to these so - called normal people. Just a nuisance to avoid. Human garbage.
I don't wanna be human garbage!!! I don't wanna beg for money! I don't wanna live in my beaten up and dying old car! I am so afraid......yes, there is poverty in america, ladies and gentlemen!
Any way the royals are gonna be at a veteran's hiring fair at Sony today...maybe I will go watch them drive by....the Have Nots watching the Haves live their annointed lives...
Later, well, 1:11 pm, I see a bunch of Chips motor cycle cops stopping traffic and in roaring in front of the special motorcade carrying the royals...Not a big thing like when Obama was here. Only 2 or 3 people standing out, watching them go by. 5 or 6 Range Rovers in a line.....watched them go by from my living room window. Pretty anti-climatic.
It is strange. I think all these big thoughts, thinking I am gonna help others with this blog, but it is so stupid. I don't matter to the royals or to anyone. If i laid down in front of the motorcade, they would have just run over me and kept going, to keep the royals safe. I am totally delusional these days.
Later pt 2~~
6 pm...Just watched the national news. How Katherine and William blew in for 3 days and charmed everyone, and now on the plane back home. So between 1 pm and now Sandi, what did you do with YOUR life? Nothing? How sad. Pathetic. Still sitting at my computer. They traveled all over the city and are now going back to England. What did I do?? Oh, I spent another day alone. One of thousands of days that are all adding up on my body and face....And I looked in the mirror just now and saw how sagging my skin is, and how I probably will end up alone, after all. It is hard to come to that realization....I want to do good too with my life......
God bless Prince William and Katherine.....I hope they do wonderful charity work....xx
People are paying big money to be close to the royal couple. $25,000 a piece for the chance to play polo with Prince William yesterday in Santa Barbara. $4000 a piece just to watch them play and have a nice lunch. $400 a piece just to sit on the side lines and have a box lunch.
Movies stars gushing over them. The governor of CA, Jerry Brown, and the mayor of LA, Antonio, Villigrosa, waiting at the airport tarmac Friday to greet them and welcome the couple to LA. It must be wonderful to be rich and powerful. Fans lining up everywhere to see them. No doubt, there will be more fans lining the streets around here when they arrive at Sony today. There was big crowds here when Obama went by back a couple of months ago. Very dramatic with the Secret Service, the Navy bomb squads and their dogs....helicopters circling.....fun to watch him whisk by in his motorcade.....I always thought I am gonna be famous one day for some reason. I am delusional again maybe...
I imagine how as I watch Katherine of England ride by in her what I imagine is a gold festooned chariot, past my apt bldg in she and William's motorcade, that I am magically transported and exchange places with her. And I imagine how horrified she would be to be living my life. Talk about reversal of fortune! She now being poor and feeling unwanted and alone. A starving animal licking it's chops and the banquet through the glass.
It would now be ME in her body, eating the gourmet food and being waited on hand and foot, and traveling to exotic places and being married to a handsome and educated prince. And if I were her, I would help people and animals. Not because it is expected of me because of my royal duties, but because I have a heart beating inside me and hate to see suffering. Let God guide me to do HIS service.
Good luck, Katherine. God bless you and all your progeny. America wishes you well. Please be kind and think of others. Help the homeless and addicted and hopeless. Feed the poor and educate the children. Promote culture and art. Make it a priority in school children's lives. Creativity is the key to evolving another part of our brains. We only use like 10 per cent of our brains you know. Just think what a creation we are if we unlock the other 90 per cent!
I wish I could be a working artist and do something positive with my life. I have some talent, but I feel so ill and despondent, that I feel half dead. I hardly ever see the light of day, being bipolar angel of LA...reclusive saint....ancient mariner....the lost flying dutchman....forced to live a half life. Fear controls....it grips and scatters me and sub merges me.
I once read this comic book. Ripley's Believe It Or Not. I will always remember about this european noble man hundreds of years ago that lived in a castle and slept 23 hours a day....just got up to eat. I sometimes feel like that guy. Trapped in a world of my own making. A prisoner of my own home.
Fear of old age and dying alone....I sleep a lot to avoid life. But I have dreams every night of trying to escape and traveling to exotic places and feeling loved and wanted....every night! And every night I am trying to find work in my dreams and getting laughed at. Anxiety about being poor and growing old alone is doing a big number on my head. I am so frightened of becoming homeless. I will kill myself first. I really will. I think about it a lot.
Katherine is a modern day Cinderella. Celebrities and important political people the world over want to know her and listen to what she has to say. She will never know a moment of fear of poverty. Or want for something to eat. She will give birth to little princes and princesses, and will be Queen of England one day.
I want to get a part time job at Sony, and somehow get on my feet financially. I can't stand being poor anymore. Going to the Catholic church down the street to get food from the pantry there. Old Trader Joe's food. Food that is going off and is rotten. Being treated like a loser by the volunteers there. Being talked down to by the women there because I need food. What kind of Christians these women are, I just don't know.
When u are poor, u are treated differently. Like u are worthless. And I have learned to stop telling people I am bi polar, because I am judged then as well. I sometimes blurt it out, just to get someone to hear my pain, but I am gonna try and not tell so many people any more. I am smart and have done things with my life before, but if I tell people I am bi polar, I am less of a human to these so - called normal people. Just a nuisance to avoid. Human garbage.
I don't wanna be human garbage!!! I don't wanna beg for money! I don't wanna live in my beaten up and dying old car! I am so afraid......yes, there is poverty in america, ladies and gentlemen!
Any way the royals are gonna be at a veteran's hiring fair at Sony today...maybe I will go watch them drive by....the Have Nots watching the Haves live their annointed lives...
Later, well, 1:11 pm, I see a bunch of Chips motor cycle cops stopping traffic and in roaring in front of the special motorcade carrying the royals...Not a big thing like when Obama was here. Only 2 or 3 people standing out, watching them go by. 5 or 6 Range Rovers in a line.....watched them go by from my living room window. Pretty anti-climatic.
It is strange. I think all these big thoughts, thinking I am gonna help others with this blog, but it is so stupid. I don't matter to the royals or to anyone. If i laid down in front of the motorcade, they would have just run over me and kept going, to keep the royals safe. I am totally delusional these days.
Later pt 2~~
6 pm...Just watched the national news. How Katherine and William blew in for 3 days and charmed everyone, and now on the plane back home. So between 1 pm and now Sandi, what did you do with YOUR life? Nothing? How sad. Pathetic. Still sitting at my computer. They traveled all over the city and are now going back to England. What did I do?? Oh, I spent another day alone. One of thousands of days that are all adding up on my body and face....And I looked in the mirror just now and saw how sagging my skin is, and how I probably will end up alone, after all. It is hard to come to that realization....I want to do good too with my life......
God bless Prince William and Katherine.....I hope they do wonderful charity work....xx
Saturday, July 9, 2011
I Am God's Janitor...(Robin Williams in Fisher King 1991)
You know I have not much time left. I feel like I am gonna implode soon. Not well. Too much stress. Too much sadness. Too much pain. Feel too sick. One day I am talking to God, the next, I feel suicidal and believe I don't matter.
I walk sometimes. Not much. Just to force myself to get some exercise. Walked to the local high school on the 4th to watch the fireworks. Feel so alone in the huge crowd. I am very aware of how alone I am and how I could just lie down and die and it won't matter. Life is hard. Life is cruel. Life runs us all down in the end. Everyone of us. Every One. We all die. We all become vanquished by death. We all disintegrate. We ignore it, but it all claims us in THE END. "I am sick with experience and am dying"....Fisher King
I keep thinking sometimes I am gonna be well known...that I am gonna fight this demon and win over it. That I can be the voice of mental illness. How it has not claimed me yet. I think I will see Steve and tell him that God wants us all to evolve and be creative.....NOT destructive. Positive affirmation.....God loves Sandi.......I have to believe that, or I go crazy....! I know Robin can help me vanquish the Red Knight.....
damsel in distress sos sos sos
I walk sometimes. Not much. Just to force myself to get some exercise. Walked to the local high school on the 4th to watch the fireworks. Feel so alone in the huge crowd. I am very aware of how alone I am and how I could just lie down and die and it won't matter. Life is hard. Life is cruel. Life runs us all down in the end. Everyone of us. Every One. We all die. We all become vanquished by death. We all disintegrate. We ignore it, but it all claims us in THE END. "I am sick with experience and am dying"....Fisher King
I keep thinking sometimes I am gonna be well known...that I am gonna fight this demon and win over it. That I can be the voice of mental illness. How it has not claimed me yet. I think I will see Steve and tell him that God wants us all to evolve and be creative.....NOT destructive. Positive affirmation.....God loves Sandi.......I have to believe that, or I go crazy....! I know Robin can help me vanquish the Red Knight.....
damsel in distress sos sos sos
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
This Is A Test...(This is only a test)....
The Soloist just came on FX. Hello Steve, remember getting an email from me last year? If this is real, please leave me a message. Tell Jamie N Robert D. I said hey, what's up???? LA homeless mentally ill needs a voice....xxxxx Steve Lopez, come in Steve. Earth to Steve...come in Steve.....or u Earth and me the SKY? xx
Oh I would like Carrie F. to read my blog. If this is real, it will happen without me trying very hard. You guys come to me. I don't nuthin' bout birthin' no babies, Ms. Scahhlett ! Know where MGM is? That is all I'm gonna say....It's up to u to find me. But be gentle! It scares me and I get paranoid. If this is not real, I will talk about it later on....
Oh I would like Carrie F. to read my blog. If this is real, it will happen without me trying very hard. You guys come to me. I don't nuthin' bout birthin' no babies, Ms. Scahhlett ! Know where MGM is? That is all I'm gonna say....It's up to u to find me. But be gentle! It scares me and I get paranoid. If this is not real, I will talk about it later on....
Sunday, July 3, 2011
OMy Omy Omy...
Oh my God in Heaven! Others say OMG! Just like it is slang. But oh my God in Heaven is speaking to me now. I am on another esoteric high. I have been very sick with depression, and have been thinking about suicide, and I am getting my little messages again. Am I crazy? I don't really know, I think I am just very sensitive...I can't talk much now. I feel too sick...Sugar died last week, and I am still in pain over putting her to sleep. My poor Shugie Beah! You know, I am crazy at that! Oh well, she was like my little soul mate. Only pet lovers know how much their babies mean to them. Sugar was very wise soul. Very Deep. Like Yoda on Star Wars.....No Really! hahahaha I laugh and cry at the same time cuz it is true! Ok I feel sick so I go for now...
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