Try to be positive!

My therapist Jane came by to see me yesterday. She was glad about what I was saying. That I should be more positive and see myself as  others do. That I am going to church and getting out more.

And today, I wake up completely depressed. One day I feel half ok, and then next, total despair. I felt too sad and irritable this past couple of Sundays to go to church. I feel really hopeless about my life. I know I need to get out and start making money to improve my life, but I am so lethargic and have no clue how to get started. I have given up on life. All I ever do is sleep, watch tv, or be on the computer.

I am trying to stay away from talking to Nico. He is no good. I have realized. He is just a flirt. He has no substance to him. I wanted to believe he is good, but he is just another user, playing with my feelings.
He sent me a pathetic little smiley face in an email today. That was it. I emailed him back and told him that I didn't need his little crumbs of affection, and not to bother. What a waste of time he was. I told Paul a couple of yrs ago the same thing. He couldn't be bothered to call me and get to know me. He would just send a one sentence email. If they can't be bothered with showing any kind of respect to me, they can go to HELL as far as I'm concerned. I am worth more than that shit.

I am going to list what people say about me, to make myself feel better:

I am beautiful
I am sweet
I am an angel
I am good
I am funny
............

and I will add...
I am artistic
I love animals
I try to be a good person
I am trying to be more spiritual
I try to be kind
I love God
God loves me too
Jesus is my Savior

I pray that God puts me on the right path to happiness and love. And that I will feel energetic and do good things with my life in Christ's Name and His Path of Enlightenment.

All My Exes..

I sometimes reflect on all the rotten men I have had relationships with, and I am amazed that I put up with all the bad behavior from these losers. Not one of them did I ever love. From the time I got to CA back around 86, I have met nothing but creeps and users. But I have to reflect that almost my whole life I have had users taking advantage of me. Me being a naive and good person, I put up with that crap. My self esteem got really low, until I thought maybe I didn't deserve anyone better. I hate all them, and their karma is going to catch up with them all. Some already has had bad karma hit them. I am psychologically damaged from their abuse, and all I can do is pray to God to take away my anger and pain.

I hate men. I don't trust any of them. That is sad, cuz I am a giving and sweet person. But when u have been abused so much, u give up. And I am angry at Nico for leading me on for two years. I am very angry at him and hate him as well.  I hope he feels unhappiness with the girl he chose. I hope she hurts him really badly. I finally thought I had met a good man that cared about me, and found out he was just playing with my feelings.

I am so lonely. I don't deserve this. I want a life and husband and love just like any other woman. A nice home and happiness. A nice yard to plant all my flowers, and where my cats can sit in the sun....

Positive affirmation: God looks after me, even though I get filled with hate and anger, jealousy, bitterness and despair. I have to let go, and let God. Let God help me through life. My hands and blessed with wealth, and my body, heart and soul and getting well and positive and happy through Christ Our Lord, Amen...

Look At Me...The Special Girl.

I rode to Venice Beach yesterday with my friend E. and her aunt. I had a nice time. It is so hard to get out these days, that when I do get out, it is like I am an invalid noticing everything and being grateful.  Feeling in the moment and aware of reality. It was a beautiful day, and I got up really early and got ready hours before I talked to E. on the phone and made plans to go Venice.

LA traffic is way harsh. Dealing with it can give you a stroke. Especially during "rush hour". More like, move a couple of feet, sit, look around, listen to talk radio, couple more feet, sigh, just a little bit annoyed when things aren't moving, and then feeling it build up to a crescendo of frustration and curses. I am really good at cursing! ahhaha

Anyway, just to say we took the bus, and it was great not to be behind the wheel. Felt like I was helping clean the air too. Cuz our local busses burn clean gas. I am surprised sometimes that we aren't all dead from the smoggy air here in LA.

 I have awful allergies now. I told my Doc that I never had allergies until after I moved here, and he told me he hears that all the time. All my friends have allergies too. I feel tired tired tired all the time. I have more than one nap a day if I am really not feeling good. So getting out and feeling the fresh spring breezes on the beach was helpful with my depression.  Sunny and not too warm. In the 70s. Famous LA weather. That is why many live here. Sometimes I wonder why I am still here. And just why I am here.

I like going to Venice Beach cuz of all the different characters and artists there. It is a quirky, slightly hippy-ish place. Roller skaters and bike riders, and pretty girls passing out business cards for the marijuana clinics they are standing in front of. The girl that slipped me mine was dressed in jean shorts, and cowboy hat , and brown boots.  Sidewalk entertainers, jugglers and acrobats. Muscle men and basketball players. Someone giving $5 massages.  I like Venice cuz I am quirkly gal and feel a sort of kinship to the artists living on the edge and hawking their wares. I smell pot smoke several times during our walk, and saw a couple of artists smoking a doobie. Smelling incense and sage burning. Checking out cheap jewerly and buying a ring and a few necklaces and a bracelet. All for $2 each. Hearing someone start up a drum circle. I commented to my friends on the fact that someone got stabbed in a drum circle not too long ago at Venice Beach. There is an undelying criminal element at the boardwalk that has brought lots of arrests in the past. Gang activity, junkies hanging out at night. Do not go to Venice Beach at night! That is life in LA though.

So, I have told myself that I should see myself how others see me. People like me and chat with me. They tell me they like how I dress myself in different shades of the same color, and seem interested in me. When I am always alone, it is hard to see myself in a positive way cuz I feel like I am not doing anything with my life. I feel like a failure and get depressed and hide in my apt.

Good thing to say about myself today~people like me! And so do animals.

flyin down that freeway.....

Ok Sandi~~You Can Do This....!

I want to get out today and am dressed to go out, but I feel sick and paranoid. I want to walk around Venice Beach and see all the artists and vendors and people walking, but I feel so overwhelmed. I get so paranoid. Today, I feel like my alien self. I have angel self and bitch mode self, and alien self.

There are big waves at the beach today too. My therapist tells me no one even notices me if I am paranoid, but I feel like I don't belong to the human race sometimes. I feel I want to hide. I have been hiding for yrs now. I need to get out for my health and well being.
My friend said she is thinking of going Venice Beach today after her doctor's apt, and wanted to know if I would meet her. I don't know. Reality is so harsh. I can't deal with life. It makes me anxious. And I feel so tired. Like I can't even be bothered to move. Lethargic. I am dying slowly here in LA. For real. I want more out of my life, but I don't have the energy to do much. I even tell men that who ask me out on a date.
I am damaged here! I am damaged gal!!!

I ask for strength to go on with life, dear God!

Thank you! Amen

Positive affirmation for today~~~
My Hands Are Blessed With Wealth!!!!

Bipolarness sux

Just wanna state that. I am in a manic phase right now. I jump up and start listening to music and dancing when I'm manic. And I write down meaningful lyrics. My messages, you know. So I pace around and dancing,only it half kills me cuz I have been a slug so many yrs.

I am a young old lady. I can still make myself look decent if I try, but the old age ills are creeping up. And I also don't care for my wrinkles. Anyway, when I am depressed I don't feel like doing anything. I cycle downward. I just vegetate. I am trying to get more active, but I really feel like I could just lie down and die from it sometimes. It zaps all my strength and energy away.

I am taking pills to lower my cholesterol and balance my thyroid, plus my allergy medications and anti depressants. Hey no wonder I feel so shitty. I forget I'm drugged up by prescriptions everyday. I had to get off Lexapro cuz it was making me fat. I have lost 10 pounds since getting off it, and I can fit into some of my old clothes again.

 I had to go buy all new  clothes, practically, when I got up to 135. I have always been small. Like nothing over 115. So I have really skinny clothes...like from size 0-5, and then i had to go start buying large blouses and size 9 and 10 pants. So now I am like at size 7 or 8. I just got to get rid of my belly...

Anyway, I jumped up and took a shower and got nicely made up to force myself to walk on Venice Beach to day for my health and well being, but I am paranoid and don't feel physically well. I just want to feel normal and do things and have a life. I have quit living a long time ago and need to get myself well. I feel really mental these days. That is one big reason I go to church. To have optimistic spiritual people around me. I watch the Christian channel too. TBN. Just to hear people say that God loves me and wants me to be his loving child. I am a little bit rebelling against it sometimes cuz I don't know what I want sometimes. But mostly, I am a good person. No saint, that is for sure. No I am Bipolar Angel in the City of Angels.......

God Is Love

I listen to the Christian channel when I feel totally hopeless. They talk about how God loves me no matter how much I hate myself. That Jesus wants the broken and sad and hopeless. I wish with all my heart for God to call me to do good things with my life. I pray with all my heart to get well and not be depressed anymore. I pray to get my energy back and start living my life again. Stop being anti social and angry. I pray to go out into the world and do something worthwhile with my life, and I pray for financial blessings. I am so tired of being stressed out over not having money. I want to feel happiness and do good things and feel worthwhile. Please Lord, make these awful negative thoughts leave me and bring blessings to me! Please turn my life around! I need you! Thank you Lord, In Christ's Name I pray, Amen.

Good thing to say about myself~~I believe in God and want to have a personal relationship with Jesus, my Lord and Savior