Happy New Year! 2009

I'm sitting here, wondering if I'll make it through alive this coming year. I feel very isolated and alone. Holidays are awful for me. I live alone, and have no significant other. I'm wondering if I can keep up this joke of trying to function. I've been looking for a job half-heartedly, not knowing if I'm capable of going out into the world full time. It creates a lot of anxiety in me. I play on myspace a lot, to take my mind off of my dire financial situation, and to ease my loneliness a little. I've gone back to smoking pot sometimes to help ease the pain, and drinking wine. They're depressants both, and I get agitated on pot, then go into a little bit of paranoia. I feel very much alone in the world. Sandi vs the world. I feel godawful on the holidays. My family is all back south, and my friends go out of town.