Sunday, March 1, 2009
I've been pretty much baked for weeks now, ever since I decided to go back on pot. It makes me sad, cuz I definetley have a cognitive problem when I'm high. Short term memory loss, lack of coordination, paranoia.... Do I not smoke and feel like shit from stress, or do I smoke to obliterate myself? Cuz it seems that I can't just do one or more tokes a day--I have to smoke to stupification. Smoke myself unconscious, sleep a few hours, wake up, then get baked again. I'm going through some kind of realization lately (for a long time actually), that the only person I have to help me is me ALONE. I feel very isolated, living out here in LA alone. But feeling too anxious to go out to meet people. I have some sort of social phobia. It's hard to get out. I feel very alienated from the world. I'm very sensitive to everything too, and I'm so irritable all the time. Been off Cymbalta and Trazadone for at least 2 weeks now. I'm quite distraught about my lot in life. All this, and I'm still sending out resumes sometimes. Been waffling back and forth about the fact of going back to work. I don't feel that I have much to offer the world.