Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Apologies To My Readers

I humbly apologize for my crude language on this blog. I tried to delete it but I don't know how without my mac mini. I have a laptop now, and can't edit like I used to. I have had a hard summer and have gone through a lot. Please don't judge me for my language. I am a nice person and wish I could take it all back. I have been listening alot to Christian broadcasting and am trying to get well. I have been looking online for part time jobs, so I can supplement my Social Security. I am so scared all the time I can't make it anymore financially. I just don't make enough to live on, and I feel I am not able to work full time. I am petrified of being homeless with no money. It is terrifying to me. God Bless. Sorry again for my language.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Happy xmas 2012

Well, another year gone. I made it back out to LA with cats in tow. Bought an old 91 Dodge Ram Suv. Drove 3 days straight through hellish desert heat, praying and crying the whole way. Please don't let this truck break down, please don't let this truck break down please don't let this truck break poor kitties getting sick. Especially Tigger. He was sick for a week afterward. I thought he was going to die from the heat and the motion of the truck moving on its bouncing suspension. I have lost my mind or something. I drove 2000 miles to find my cats a home. I am now staying with my friend and her family. I am flat broke except for the small amount I get from Social Security. I am deadly depressed pretty much always, and consider suicide daily. I feel useless and stupid and have only begun to tell my strange tale of my strange summer. I ended up in 4 psych wards and lost my low income apt. that I lived in for 9 years. I made my cats homeless too. I am ashamed of myself and will slowly state my tale as time goes on. I know I saw Jesus Christ himself perform street art for my eyes alone, all dressed in black. Back in black.Black turtleneck sweater, black slacks. Crossing the street, making his way to the 7/11. Stopped in the middle of the intersection and dropped his smoke halfway there, and stubbing it out with his black shoe. I told you it was a strange tale. God has a way of dropping in on unsuspecting people. Like me. Like the Virgin Mary. Excuse me! I'm 12! She should have said....hey Holy Spirit, I'm not ready to have a baby at 12! Different times and different culture. AS to how I feel now ... Depression has a way of robbing your strength and will to live . I have low self esteem and am pretty convinced I am a loser and cannot do anything. I am timid and shy and hate life. I feel ugly and eat sweets too much. Every one was saying I was so skinny, so I have been putting on pounds eating junkfood. I cry every day. But hey! It's Jesus' birthday! Tra la! Listening to Christmas tunes while contemplating ending it all. How many others out there are feeling the same as me? I just want to be happy and have a home and I pray all the time and I feel stupid writing this. Crying over lost opportunities and lost children I chose not to have. Lots of guilt. Lots of self hatred. Peace on Earth, Goodwill to men, and it's Christmas Eve. The world didn't end like it was supposed to, according to the Mayans a couple of days ago. Too Bad. Kinda hoping it would in a big way.....Merry Christmas andre Happy Birthday Jesus, loved the street performance that started this whole down ward spiral. What's the encore? Any clues? Love, Me.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

October 24, 2012

I had a very traumatic summer, filled with bizarre happenings and things I don't understand. Like how people I have never met in my life just appeared to me out of no where. I have lost my apt and ended up staying with family in Mississippi. I have bought a Dodge Ram Suv and am going to drive back now, since it is not working for me here. My cats are with me. I am going to go live with friends near Long Beach, and try and get over all the bad happenings. Try to get over having my heart broken. Try to get back in school. Try to be more sane.

I was hospitalized 4 times in the summer, and cursed out all near and dear to me. Being bipolar and depressed is hell. I must have been delusional. I don't know. But I know clearly that some things actually did happen to me. All I can say is I am sorry to the ones I love, and hope to forget my broken heart. I really thought I was helping, and that the Lord was with me in what I did.

I have had many anxious moments since losing my apt, and had to go to the local hospital yesterday to get medication, because I feel paralyzed with fear. About what I am gonna do with my life, and how can I move forward. Living on Social Security limits me, and if I work, I can only make so much, or they take my benefits away. I gave up looking for work, and just became a recluse. Having a mental illness is so hard to live with. Something to hide and be ashamed of. Just pretend I am normal, when I am fearful and anti social. I am sad to be growing old alone, and terrified and hate myself. I want love and happiness like everyone else. All I can do is pray to God about it, and hope that I don't have to live in my suv. I contemplate suicide daily. Whatever. That is the way it goes......

Friday, March 23, 2012

me being an artist....on the road to discovery

        this is for all the jerks that think they are better than me.....

                    u try to do this. u asswipes!!!!! hahahahaha

judgemental pricks HaHaHa

i have been through hell, so if you don't like my language or my attitude, so what????????????

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

beware the ides of march~

get a clue tiny brains ahahhahaha einstein rocks!

hahahahah cheshire kitty cat dude mad hatter hahahhaha
 get me outta here!!!!!hahahhah

leo...king of the jungle
lion of Judah
nice kitty
here kitty kitty

this is so trippy~i just scan through all my hundreds of photos and post stuff and add stream of consciousness post~ its

i just looked up ides of means when it is full moon...bad moon on the rise....theres a bad mooon on the rise

i knew that Caesar's wife told him she dreamt he was gonna be murdered, so she was tuned in that day!

do men ever listen to women?

NO!!!!!!!!! hahhahahahahaha

et tu brut?
think logically like yoda, the 4 eared alien cat
heam i mad as a march hare? am i sprung? spring has sprung ....mating season, the tides are changing.. mercury is in retro grade....full moon ...i told one of my neighbors just now that it is driving everyone in this building insane. they are all talking to me about how they can't take life anymore. they come crying to me. i am mother earth...i try and heal them and me......this is real...i don't know what it is driving everyone crazy.....that sniper....omgoshhh. cats are driving me crazy too and the winds that howl around this building and the traffic noise at rush is doing my head in. it is doing all of our heads in! i feel like there is gonna be a big KABOOM.......hello!!!!!!!!kitty i work on this blog for hours and destroy my hips and neck..i look like an old bent lady......

                                                                            nuclear hot potato

warm, warm, your getting hotter....oh you are on fire!! hot potato! 

whose trigger finger's twitchin'?

let's be logical about this mr spock

scary and fascinating and SCARY

This may be a tricky day, but if you're smart -- and, really, no one could ever say you weren't -- it will all work out just fine. Your main quest is to stay calm, even if you're baited. Remember to think logically.
Read Full Horoscope: click here
Mood: Calm
Lucky Color: Purple
Compatibility: click here
Lucky Number: click here
Lucky Time of Day: click here


celestial spheres are chiming

~celestial spheres are chiming~

Monday, March 12, 2012

run forrest, run!!!!

hi i'm forrest gump my mama said that stupid is as stupid does
hi i'm sandi

finding that clue from davinci is gonna get someone thinking...maybe they will put 2 and 2 together....

just looked up and see the time change to 12 13 14.....couple mins ago

conan to tom...oh she'd go insane in florence! ahhahahhahaha
but in a happy good way....