Whatever

I just want to put down how awful i feel. how sad and alone and depressed and miserable. how much i hate life. how i want to die. how i can't leave my apt or look for a job or go out on a date. i don't want to live. it is unbearable living like this. it is not a life. it is pure pain.

RIP Michael

Been too ill to comment on all the celebrities dropping dead recently. Very sad Michael passed on. What a talent! He can't feel the beat anymore, and that's sad. But on the same token, the love love love love love that the world had directed at him sent him straight to heaven, amen, to be with his ex dad in law, elvis the pelvis , to rock out , twist and shout in the sky! yes jesus! i feel all spiritual all of the sudden.

Same song, different verse.....

Still not well. I finally started moving and functioning a little in the past few days out of necessity. I had to again advance money from my SSDI to try and get some groceries for me and my cats. I had nothing in frig and no cat food, litter, or toilet paper. I have not been going out of my apt in weeks----years...it is endless. I have to go to dentist today to see about my tooth that has been falling apart before our MediCal quits paying dental in a few days. Thanks Arnold Swarzeneggger....I am quite despondant these days on a daily basis, and have lost weight. I look old and awful to me. I am sure I will never attract a mate now. Why would anyone decent want a mental case that is old looking on top of it? I sent out a couple of resumes today, even though I feel this way. This person that I was infatuated with has proven to me he does not want me, even though that is what he stated when we met. I feel like a fool and a slut. Well, I have never been known to make wise decisions when it comes to men. I tell people that in another life, I must have been a man that treated women badly, because I feel like I am paying for it now with my come uppance. I try to attach meaning to my suffering, but it is what it is, I guess. Some people function better in society, and I have always gravitated to the outer circles because of my inferiority complex. Intellectually, I realize I am smart and somewhat attractive, but my ego is damaged. Yep. I am damaged goods, and men see that and run away from me. Me and my pessimistic attitudes do not help it either. It would be so wonderful to feel normal and not overwhelmed with fear and self hatred. Low self esteem ruined my life.

Saturday inside my head

I can't deal with this stress of no money.. I have gone over the edge in alot of ways. Won't leave my apt...Won't have anything to do with my friends. Depression is killing me. My friends pounded on my door a couple of days ago, to see if I was still alive. I wanna die. I think about it enough. I feel very sluggish and can't function. I try to sleep, and am depressed and frightened in my dreams. I wake up crying and feeling hopeless. I just don't know if I have a worth to my life. That I matter in any way whatsoever. Men on my social sites tagged and myspace tell me how beautiful I am all the time.. How desirable and sweet. I eat ashes and say thank u. It doesn't mean anything to me. I have learnt that some of these men that I have told to read my blog and have told that I have messages sent to me, is avoiding me. AndI have found that men avoid me after a couple of dates. They don't wanna know a crazy girl. Fuck u all............

Hey Arnold---yeah u!!!

I just want to take a moment and talk about our wonderful governor Arnold and how he is cutting all poor peoples money to make up the state deficit...Just to let u know, Arnold, I had both my SSI and SSA cut, and now have $4 in my bank acct. to get me through the month...It is the 19th of the month and I guess me and my cats starve the rest of the month. Not only that, u take away dental.....What next, medical? I have been going mental for weeks cuz I cant' pay my bills anymore, and I get punished further by u taking away even more money. Thanks alot. I cry on a daily basis and am ill. I have to go out and get job feeling suicidal......I pace the floors in a manic state every night, wondering what is going to become of me. I get delusional even. But u and Maria go and have a nice dinner that ur fucking chef cooks.......Fucking governator....

Ponderin' life in my lil red geo

i have no doubt that in some way this is really happening to me, because i keep getting messages.....got in my car and meandered unthinking towards venice beach to maybe drown myself..as luck would have it, it was street cleaning day so couldn't find parking so i just drove around in traffic....LA traffic is so horrible...i heard this song i had never heard before, saying, so u want to take ur life......i felt i was getting messages again......i found a quiet back street and pulled under a shade tree....bob marley came on, singing, give thanks & praise to the lord and feel alright........thanks bob.....KROQ lunch break.....i cry and listen to pink floyd the wall....is this all tied in with my mental illness?????? is this all real????? am i just a speck of sand ?? a mote in God's eye?????? LA traffic boxes me in from all sides.....i feel paranoid and afraid i am losing it....god i don't know what to think anymore....

OMG This is Real.....

I am angel, i have angel page,,i live in the city of angels....world listen, i am going to go and die now....either i am on esoteric high and need to be hospitalized, or this is real..........god is calling us all to love another, do not fear we come in peace.....red skies at night red skies at night.......stand or falll???? state ur piece tonight....stand or fall? state ur PEACE tonight....it's the euro theatre.......stand or fall.......???????????? r u reading me steve??????? if this is not real, just say hi on hotmail,,,,,,ok caio....by gianni, alessandros, giovannis, marcos, paolos, etcs. u guys mean alot to me.........be artists, all of u the world over.......rich people take care of poor angelina angelina angel..............................i like ur dad, give him a break....hahahaha whooooooo!! go Angel Lakers.......!!! maybe u won on purpose?? now give money to the poor ...