Friday, September 16, 2011

Hormones gone wacko....

I just turned 52, and I suppose I have been going through menopause for about 10 yrs now. Or peri~menopause, to be exact. Now I have PMS and depression every month. And have heavy periods. My doc said I could either have a hysterectomy, or just wait til I go into full menopause. I never feel good ever. And I get so moody before my cycle...I just feel awful and think bad thoughts.....feel ill all over. Been self medicating a lot to ease the pain, but conversely, when I smoke, it makes me more depressed. Or more hopeless. I smoke to alleviate pain and sadness, but get more sad but also not so in pain. It is hard to say.....I just want happiness in my life, and I have given up.....

Thursday, September 15, 2011

hahahaaha this is my new kitten Elvis.....

Animal Therapy

Well, i spent yet another summer alone here in my apt. Spent another  birthday alone. I am sad today. I have gone back to self medicating every day, and wake up feeling hung over every day. I feel sick all the time, so I keep self medicating.  blah blah blah who cares...I know I mean nothing is this world.  Whatever.

Just wanted to make a comment that I have a new kitten named Elvis, and he is a little scamp. He makes me laugh when I feel miserable and alone. He and my other cat Tigger get along good. They wrestle and chase each other. Maybe my older cat Sugar that died in June sent him to me. He was all wormy and covered in fleas, so I know he is happier now, after I got his shots and got rid of his worms.  They sure made me sick, dealing with them every day.

We have another inspection here where I live next Monday. That makes 3 or maybe 4 since June. I live in Gestapo state! It stresses me out a lot. I just want happiness, and I have given up on that possibility.

At least they let us have  pets here. I can't stand my life totally alone, so my cats help me emotionally to deal with things. Elvis likes to knock over all my plants though!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

With God, You Are Not Alone

 I was just looking at this Christian Singles' chat room on Face Book, and saw this quote...it made me feel a bit better....I have to remember that no matter how scared or sick or depressed and hopeless I feel, God is with me......Jesus died for my  sins and loves me......gotta remember that. Remembering that makes me feel a little stronger......




Are you terrified of being alone? Does an empty house or apartment cause you to switch on the television, radio or CD player just to create some sound? Here's a truth that will take time to appreciate: The more intimate your relationship with God, the more comfortable you'll be when you're alone. That's because a person in a deep, heartfelt relationship with God interprets aloneness as solitude. Solitude is time spent alone with God. When you invite God into your life, you'll begin to sense a real, palpable presence. In the quiet, in the solitude, God will speak to you. He will do it through his Word, the Bible, or impressions or leading. You won't hear an audible voice. If you want a personal, intimate relationship with God, you have to make time to be alone with him. As that relationship grows, your aloneness will turn into solitude. You'll begin to understand that




  you are never really alone.   









boop boop be doop!


love ya


Yeah, but God, I want my mate to find me now, please. All  the pastors I listen to says to remind You, Lord, of what you promised me. That whatever I ask for from You in Jesus' name, I will receive. You know, Father, that I am lonely and sad and want love in my life. That I need someone to help me and look after me. That I want a wonderful, loving, spiritual, creative, attractive, generous, funny, adventurous, intelligent, faithful, kind man to love me and protect me and give me a lovely home to live in...maybe we could even have a kid or two.....someone that is interested my history and art and travel and science, and cross word puzzles, and classic movies and watching jeopardy to shout out answers with me. Someone who will understand my moods and hold my hand and never let go of me.....Someone I can trust with my life....Always there and caring for me....
and handsome.....and sweet. And giving and caring....and manly. Someone I feel attraction for and he returns it...Someone to make me laugh.....Please, I want to laugh and enjoy life here on Earth....


This I ask You Father God, in Jesus Christ's Name....Amen....xx


Now, Please send him Father?!! I need some help in my life. I am tired of going it alone in everything I do.....I need my mate,  Heavenly Father....thank you.

Depression Kills....

It is true. It is killing me slowly. I can't bear it anymore. I feel so ill all the time. Like I am on  my way out of this life. Just walking a little ways makes me feel sick. I have to force myself out to do things. And I self medicate constantly. I wish I didn't have to do that. When I run out, I say to myself that I quit and I gotta get my shit together so I can get clean in case I find a job I want to apply for....But then I wake up feeling awful. Aching all over, feeling bleah.....so I self medicate again...

Last night, taking a shower, I realized I get things done...even in my depressed/manic/sometimes delusional state of mind. I reviewed what had transpired from  the time I got up, and I had to feel like I had to have accomplished something, at least......yeah, yeah, I know, I am a loser..I don't have a job and I live on the state, etc.....I tell myself I gotta get a live all the time. The amount of fear I have thinking of it paralyzes me into in action. All I can do is baby steps these days. Which is too bad, cuz I was a good worker and honest and dependable.

 My car is in the shop right now, getting a new engine, so I had to go to the grocery store to buy supplies by walking there. I pulled along my old lady buggy behind me to put my groceries in. Spent too much money there, so I know I got over draft charges, but I don't like walking back and forth to the store when I feel weak, so whatever...I didn't care at that moment. Any way, the point is, I made myself take a shower and put on a little make up and don one of my sun dresses to walk there. I have to force myself to do anything, I am so lethargic, and there has been many times I never wore make up or get decently dressed, or BATHE  for that matter, cuz depression kills every good thought you have....you just exist from day to day, in pain, waiting to die....
So, as I was pushing the old lady buggy full of  groceries home yesterday, I thought for the millionth time of how easy it is to end up in the street, homeless, pushing my belongings along in a shopping cart. Eating out of a garbage can. Pan handling for money. Doing drugs and drinking to escape........................................
.....I am crying huge tears thinking of it......so scared. I don't wanna die alone and old.....I pass this homeless guy that is always living/hiding in this little dent in this building...you can tell he's out there, out in space somewhere, by just looking at him. Filthy from head to toe....grime smeared all over his face, and him staring Heaven ward, in a moment with God. He is oblivious of me walking by. I am getting messages from God myself again. What do they say in the Bible? Be aware of everyone and how you treat them, because you may be in the company of angels....something like that. I have to look up the exact saying.
His face is so grimy with soot and greasy oil, that his blue eyes look piercing, staring up into Heaven. He is so dirty, he is one color, all over...even his clothes.....pure filth. I am a bit frightened of him, so try to not get his attention as I lean into my buggy and push harder to get past him. But you know what? A big crack in the sidewalk dipped my buggy, and some of my food fell out on the side walk.

So I think, "Does this mean I should stop and give him food because he is hungry?" Because I could. I could give him a bagel and a bottle of water and maybe a piece of fruit. I have it all there in my shopping buggy. I had stopped before on another day when I had passed him, and gave him a dollar....but I was too scared to get his attention this time, so I just kept walking on, letting him starve and be thirsty...I am evil and selfish sometimes.....I just feel so paranoid when I am out walking in this busy, huge city. I hear so much about women getting abducted and crime, etc...that I would rather have my car to take me places than me  being scared of getting my purse snatched or some mental case attack me....it happens! If I had a big body guard escort me, I would like helping homeless people. But me doing it alone...I feel really vunerable.  And I have been beaten up and put in the hospital before by an abusive ex, so I have never really gotten over it, even after over a decade.......
And as I got to this secluded bit of the street, and young guy came walking towards me. I tell myself not to be scared..and I say I will kick him in  the head if he tries and robs me. And I keep walking right towards him, not stopping.....he is just normal, and passes by me to walk in the opposite direction. But I at least hit back at my fear. I didn't turn and run....sometimes living me vs the world is hard....don't know what to believe anymore. Don't trust my own judgement about anything...I don't want to be a bag lady pushing a shopping cart~~~~that, I KNOW...!!!!!!!!!!