Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Same song, different verse.....

Still not well. I finally started moving and functioning a little in the past few days out of necessity. I had to again advance money from my SSDI to try and get some groceries for me and my cats. I had nothing in frig and no cat food, litter, or toilet paper. I have not been going out of my apt in weeks----years...it is endless. I have to go to dentist today to see about my tooth that has been falling apart before our MediCal quits paying dental in a few days. Thanks Arnold Swarzeneggger....I am quite despondant these days on a daily basis, and have lost weight. I look old and awful to me. I am sure I will never attract a mate now. Why would anyone decent want a mental case that is old looking on top of it? I sent out a couple of resumes today, even though I feel this way. This person that I was infatuated with has proven to me he does not want me, even though that is what he stated when we met. I feel like a fool and a slut. Well, I have never been known to make wise decisions when it comes to men. I tell people that in another life, I must have been a man that treated women badly, because I feel like I am paying for it now with my come uppance. I try to attach meaning to my suffering, but it is what it is, I guess. Some people function better in society, and I have always gravitated to the outer circles because of my inferiority complex. Intellectually, I realize I am smart and somewhat attractive, but my ego is damaged. Yep. I am damaged goods, and men see that and run away from me. Me and my pessimistic attitudes do not help it either. It would be so wonderful to feel normal and not overwhelmed with fear and self hatred. Low self esteem ruined my life.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Saturday inside my head

I can't deal with this stress of no money.. I have gone over the edge in alot of ways. Won't leave my apt...Won't have anything to do with my friends. Depression is killing me. My friends pounded on my door a couple of days ago, to see if I was still alive. I wanna die. I think about it enough. I feel very sluggish and can't function. I try to sleep, and am depressed and frightened in my dreams. I wake up crying and feeling hopeless. I just don't know if I have a worth to my life. That I matter in any way whatsoever. Men on my social sites tagged and myspace tell me how beautiful I am all the time.. How desirable and sweet. I eat ashes and say thank u. It doesn't mean anything to me. I have learnt that some of these men that I have told to read my blog and have told that I have messages sent to me, is avoiding me. AndI have found that men avoid me after a couple of dates. They don't wanna know a crazy girl. Fuck u all............

Friday, June 19, 2009

Hey Arnold---yeah u!!!

I just want to take a moment and talk about our wonderful governor Arnold and how he is cutting all poor peoples money to make up the state deficit...Just to let u know, Arnold, I had both my SSI and SSA cut, and now have $4 in my bank acct. to get me through the month...It is the 19th of the month and I guess me and my cats starve the rest of the month. Not only that, u take away dental.....What next, medical? I have been going mental for weeks cuz I cant' pay my bills anymore, and I get punished further by u taking away even more money. Thanks alot. I cry on a daily basis and am ill. I have to go out and get job feeling suicidal......I pace the floors in a manic state every night, wondering what is going to become of me. I get delusional even. But u and Maria go and have a nice dinner that ur fucking chef cooks.......Fucking governator....

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Ponderin' life in my lil red geo

i have no doubt that in some way this is really happening to me, because i keep getting messages.....got in my car and meandered unthinking towards venice beach to maybe drown myself..as luck would have it, it was street cleaning day so couldn't find parking so i just drove around in traffic....LA traffic is so horrible...i heard this song i had never heard before, saying, so u want to take ur life......i felt i was getting messages again......i found a quiet back street and pulled under a shade tree....bob marley came on, singing, give thanks & praise to the lord and feel alright........thanks bob.....KROQ lunch break.....i cry and listen to pink floyd the wall....is this all tied in with my mental illness?????? is this all real????? am i just a speck of sand ?? a mote in God's eye?????? LA traffic boxes me in from all sides.....i feel paranoid and afraid i am losing it....god i don't know what to think anymore....

OMG This is Real.....

I am angel, i have angel page,,i live in the city of angels....world listen, i am going to go and die now....either i am on esoteric high and need to be hospitalized, or this is real..........god is calling us all to love another, do not fear we come in peace.....red skies at night red skies at night.......stand or falll???? state ur piece tonight....stand or fall? state ur PEACE tonight....it's the euro theatre.......stand or fall.......???????????? r u reading me steve??????? if this is not real, just say hi on hotmail,,,,,,ok caio....by gianni, alessandros, giovannis, marcos, paolos, etcs. u guys mean alot to me.........be artists, all of u the world over.......rich people take care of poor angelina angelina angel..............................i like ur dad, give him a break....hahahaha whooooooo!! go Angel Lakers.......!!! maybe u won on purpose?? now give
money to the poor ...




i am just the scribe. the real teacher comes later



Just another day in LA......nothin' special....

Very emotional this morning......my married Paul doesn't even call me anymore, so I have to forget he exists and go on....I was infatuated with him, but that is totally over now. He knows I am bipolar and can't pay my bills and looking for work...to not even call and see if I am ok speaks volumes to me.....

When I go delusional like I have been doing for weeks now, it is a bitter thing to realize I have no one to turn to to talk about this..that I have to go it alone....I have my therapist Jane, but it is not enough......I am alone in this world.....bipolar world. My doc says I am unstable and may be going starting to go through menopause so he wanted me to go to my doc.....I am distraught that once again I am proven wrong that I am not here to help this world---that I am not an angel, and that I am just mentally ill and that I don't matter in this world. I have to stop crying and just realize I have no one but me to rely on.....

It's so weird....I feel I have a message to get out to the world, but so what? Others have already done it....what would make me more special than them...??? That others could talk to me while I am in a full delusional state and channeling dead celebreties and God himself...........??? Am I real? Does this thing I have inside me really exist? I don't know anymore....My name in greek means helper of mankind...does that mean anything? Was I really given a mission????????

I asked my friend in Italy to tell me what is reality? Asked him to think about it and get back to me.....I am not sure anymore, but know that the 3 dimensional kind is too harsh for me to live in. I am slowly dying and scared......

Thank God This Isn't Real After All

I was afraid I was being for real being called for a mission, but since I have not heard anything from Steve, I realize that this is all in my head.....maybe Joan of Arc was bipolar.....getting messages from God........thank u God, for letting me realize this is not reality....i feel asleep for a couple of hours and woke up and couldn't tell what was what.....I still get esoteric messages though.....

Monday, June 15, 2009

u know what? fuck it..

on second thought, stay out of my life...i am suffering demons....nothing more....this is not realllll......there is no way in hell i am getting in touch with u......this is not realllll................i am manic.....that is all.....i don't wanna ruin my life going public.......i would never get a job or mate..........please disregard earlier messages.......please this is not real.............

Oh I See, Not Real Then????????

Steve u will read this or I will die trying.........I have realized from looking at all of my stuff on my pages, that I have to be creative or die.................bipolar disorder is pain amplified.........plz know i am not wellllll.......please don't stalk me....i am lonely girl.....i am afraid.....go lakers.......spend some of that money from the parade to feed people----i just wanna know if this is real.......

Circlin" the drain steve...pls say hi on hotmail......

sick sick sick skcici yah, i be ill'n i aint chillin like a vllian....dig it? i wanna know this is real.....plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

YaY LaKeRs WoRlD ChAmPiOnS

cant' write much now...just to say that i went to see my psych doc today and told him i am dying....he wants me to go to my health clinic to get physical.....lost about 10 lbs....told him i am not interested in taking meds anymore--they don't help, and that i have a death wish....meanwhile, fukkin kobe and the lakers are heros and everyone is bragging on the tv every 5 mins.....$2 mil for a parade weds...people in their cars, with laker flags waving....i have realized that i can make a multi media statement about being bipolar in la.....i will give steve til weds to verify history, and let his friends read this....hi robert, hi jamie,,, luv u guys, hi meg.....i am either crazy, or this is for real.......sos sos sos sending out an sos bono.............sting.........robin williams......bill gates......oprah.....dr phil.....madonna.......sheryl crow........paul mccartney.....elton john.....i am very esoteric.....robin please get in touch with me......am i an angel sent from GOD???????????? u decide......... go lakers!!!!! please if this is for real, please leave me in peace in my ivory tower.....get in touch with me through blog or facebook or tagged.......please i am very afraid.......please don't hurt lamb of god.....i am a flower........boll weevil......scares me....:o)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Vestiges of a car wreck

I have no idea what that means...I just write what comes to me. I feel like I am slowly dying.....Weak and illl. Full on manic high last night-----I am surprised I woke up and am still alive..fukkin mental, dude...when my friend and I walked the few blocks to see soloist yesterday, I told her I was weak and it was hard to get there...while watching movie,,,I was making loud comments and crying.....she and I were both crying cuz we are both bipolar and live an apt bldg full of mentals on disability....when u live in 3 and a half and sometimes 4 dimensions, everything is intensified in ur head.....I didn't know if I could make it back home, I was so ill... my friend asked me jokingly if she would have to carry me home on her back.....i have cancer of the spirit....I ask God to get me physically well so I can do my mission and get the word out about being homeless and mentally ill.....about the state of the world.......I wanna write about my life on the outside looking in and the effects of isolation has on the brain......maybe NASA could benefit from knowledge for further space explorations........I am isolated and detached from the world, yet live in total urban environs, with busy LA street right outside my window....it is my mind that is a prisoner, and body follows.....I feel the pastor at my church is out to get me...he has learned my secret and is really evil and wants to stop me. I don't trust him...should I go to church and say hi to God and reboot soul, only to have evil pastor stalk me to my car and try and get me to join church? No, I will stay home.. Too weak to sit through service......

Saturday, June 13, 2009

prequel aduex

i gotta reiterate----keep reading older posts to get to my essay on being bipolar in la 1-7......caio amicos...

Steve Lopez, come in Steve

Are u reading me? Coming in loud and clear? Sending out echo locator pings to determine ur whereabouts ....Getting esoteric messages alot since going off meds and smoking high grade dispensary hydropnics.....feel 3 and half dimensions. mission statement----to reach as many as pos to regroup and reset mother earth....nuclear war , scorched earth back to stone age? Stand or Fall?    iran north korea china..... red skies at night....it's the euro theater.......red skies at night.........fixx.....

walked almost crawled to see the soloist at el cheapo movie theater down the street....god is sending me messagesssssss --dont' give up hope sandi......bring the masses together.....cosmic conciousness....creativity the key....dance, write, sing, enjoy love, help the planet and animals---give to the poor........stop holocaust of animal species....love the earth. love god....u r not alone in this world....god loves u....steve lopez .......he's a cool guy actuallly !!!!!!!
hahahaha starring my bipolar baby robert d jr....he groks being mental..jamie f groks it....

sugar to steve, sugar to steve...don't let me lose ur signal......jamie and his glassy fire eyes...











ill and dying, but looking for work?

i've been languishing for weeks, losing weight from depression.. very reclusive and addicted.....playing my music loud and going delusional..pacing the floors, getting messages from god.....crying on my cyber boyfriends' shoulders about my bipolarness.....i feel like i have to confess my illnesss to everyone, like it is a sin or something....i am ashamed of my disease. i am embarassed to talk about it, but feel compelled, cuz i am in such pain....i chat with tons of hot looking guys from all over the world....got over 2300 friends on tagged now. i return emails 24/7 it seems...fucking depressed as hell the whole time. not just mental either....physically i feel like i'm dying or something. getting scrawny looking. my clothes hang off me, and i can reach across my stomach and touch hands, i am that thin...

and then i go to job interview......i try to function in this too real world with its traffic and noise and millions of anonymous faces....i have been off my psych meds for 3 weeks now. manic......acting crazy...blowing kisses at men... this is how i used to be in my 20s and 30s....flirtatious.....and trying to find job at the same time.....weird....

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Vs...

It's official I can't pay my bills anymore. I have been trying for so long to hang on and pay off all my debt. Now, I just have to let it all go and let it ruin my credit I have been trying to build up since my bankruptcy in 1999. I cannot express how petrified I am of my dismal future. No money. No love. I cry on a daily basis. I don't know what's going to become of me. I don't want to be homeless and eating out of a garbage can. Should I be some rich man's girlfriend so I can pay my bills? I feel too ugly for anyone to want me. I feel like I am going to be circling the drain before long. To live alone and have no one to lean on or care what is happening to me is unbearable. I have known a life full of pain and wanting. I have never known love --i have never felt security. I it is me, myself and I out there against the World. I used to say Sandi vs the world, but it is no doubt vice versa. The World vs Sandi. The World ambivalent to Sandi. Dog eat dog. Survival of the fittest. I am aging quickly. I feel used up. Sink or swim Sandi. I feel leaden--how can I stay afloat in this cut throat town?