Wednesday, December 28, 2011

me on fb

i am so disappointed. i had a really long timeline, going all the way back to when i started on fb.  i changed to the new updated timeline profile, and i have lost so many of my esoteric signs that i commented on and time stamped.....i lost a lot of pages....i can't figure out how to get my original page back....oh well, i tried....i do get messages...i really do....

eccentric aunt cat lady~~

that is better adjective.......i think it is an adjective.....

major crying jag.....cried so much i felt sick and threw up. i just don't understand how to get my life moving again...i am so inert and fearful and self loathing.....i am ashamed of myself for letting it take over my life. it has. it has taken over. i have let my illness take my life over. i don't know how to get started again, and am depressed because i have to start all over again at age 52.  hormones make me miserable too...i have pms every month and heavy periods....feel sick all the time and depressed and sad. don't feel well enough to go out and pursue anything. it is a big drain on my psyche. to feel terrible about myself all the time.

and then my neurotic friends come round and unload their shit onto me....can't stand my life anymore. i need to move on with my life somehow, or let bipolar depression kill me....i go through this every christmas season. feel like my life is totally over now. too depressed to make an effort to meet men, and don't trust men anyway, so it is useless to bother with it.....lonely and sad, growing old alone. i wish i could move back to florida and live on the coast and meet nice friends .....i am so done with are selfish pigs here.....or is it just me? they see a vunerable woman that is nice and takes advantage and i let them????? yeah good i quit dating 3 years ago......i am screwed up and just want happiness...what the hell? why did i let my life get fucked up like this? what the hell is wrong with me??????

eccentric cat auntie~~

yep that is me....i realized so bluntly accompanying my friend to her family functions how redundant i have become. total joke....face is changing and getting deep wrinkles, body changing...slumping forward and depressed looking....where is the pretty gal from bama? i am her aged and dour grandma...sour old biddy....hatin' life.

if i meant something to anyone in this world, i would imagine i would be contacted and told i matter. not to kill myself....not curl up and die....i have no idea how i am gonna take care of myself anymore. i have given up. don't trust anyone. especially men. feel alien and stupid in this world. feel lost and alone and use god as a crutch to feel better. smoke weed to get things done. spiraling down into a pit of despair......can't support myself anymore. can't take care of myself anymore. i am so alone and i can't stand to be in social gatherings.....i have to drink and get high to function around here.....sad oh sad.....i miss my lost love from 6000 miles away, but at the same time, i hate him and want nothing to do with him.

iran is gonna nuke somebody anyway, and it's all gonna be on for champagne supernova in the sky......or maybe north korea....bunch of fucking psychos in this world! so ironic.....the world is so beautiful, but so violent.....we are all on the food eat dog god eat god........i wish i knew a lover who cared about what i say.....someone that told me he cared what i thought about....someone who appreciated art and  culture and is sexy and funny and kind and intelligent......
c'est le vie as they say.....that is life......u don't always get what u want.....u get what u need.....righ, mick?  yeah baby...he is a good strutter!

if this is real, then my helpers would be here by now

i am hating life right now. i can see how delusional i have been....i am a big loser. that is why i think i have become 'spiritual'. because i can't face up to what a failure i am. i am a big zero, and can't deal with that notion, so i start getting grandiose illusions of myself changing the world somehow. the truth is, and u know it, sandi, is no one cares. that is it in a nut shell. u r alone and will always be alone. u r mental. no one wants u. u r nothing and a big loser....

i just don't know what is going to become of me....the bloom is off the rose.....i am old and unattractive now. sad and blue and depressed. i wasted my life. i want to leave this world soon.....i can't stand this reclusive depressing life anymore. it is no life. i just exist. that is all.

blue holidays

went with my friend  to dinners that her family prepared this holiday season. i forced myself to go. her family is nice for the most part. but i am so sad that i am totally alone again and too poor to get my life moving forward. i hate the holiday season. it is torture. and my so called "friends" that acted like they wanted me and then forget me can all go to hell. i hate u all....bastards....

looks like it's me and elvis this christmas

that's ok...he's pretty darned dreamy looking

Monday, December 19, 2011

and it is over...

u know i don't know why i have this urge to tell people about being bipolar. many people before me has already done it... it must be part of my illness to feel like this. that i have to share. it is strange to feel like this. to me, i am not just bipolar, but a conduit for a spiritual force. am i part shizophrenic? when i meet fellow fisher kings, i can see they are touched like what? insanity? or are they seeing the other side like me??? i live with two feet in different worlds....i told my psych doc i live on another dimension, and he agreed....maybe i should have been a scientist and studied the brain....i have delusions of grandeur too, being bipolar. i know i am intelligent, but never knew what to do with it. never had any self esteem. never had any direction in my life...i just drifted along like a leave on a forest stream...i get up and dance to rock music...i am still moving at my age of 52, but i am slowed down alot. i can't move like i used to.....that is sad for a dancer. when i danced onstage, i barely  touched to floor....i have always been light on my feet....oh how i would love to have a beautiful sexy husband take me dancing! a lovely, interesting, happy and handsome man that loved me and looked after me! i cry for lost love and lost happiness.....

so i find all these videos on you tube that put into art how i feel being bipolar. so what i say isn't news. how i suffer isn't news. so i quit going on about it. there are others out there worse off than me. 

i will just continue being esoteric and writing down when i get my messages from the universe, and maybe someone will take note one date to listen to me...i don't even care anymore. i am sick and tired. and worn out like an old dish rag.  i told my friend last night that i am like the old bent lady that lived in a shoe..can't pay the rent and don't know what to no children but plenty of cats......old bent lady that lives in a shoe.....

I am here God, where are YOU??????

I just wanna state how much I hate humanity. I know, there are good people out there. I know, I am in a mood, but I just wanna put down my thoughts. Just to let someone know how much I am tortured by them.
But yeah, I hate humanity. I am depressed and sad and lonely. I can't stand thinking about how happy other people are, and how they get through their lives with a song on their lips. For the most part, anyway. There must be happy people out there somewhere.....I have never known happiness my whole life. Kinda absurd to keep hoping and praying for it. Just give up, Sandi and let it kill you. Life is brutal and then u die.

I just wanna state how much I hate my so - called friends too. They say they care, and then act cold to me. Go to hell,  all of u!!!!! These are my internet friends. I have never actually met them, but since I am online all the time, these voices from somewhere out there on the web chat with me. I know they are real people in other countries, but when i am just chatting by  typing each other, it is to me  like the computer is talking to me...hard to describe. I have a vivid imagination, and I have strange dreams and thoughts anyway, so it is not hard to imagine these voices are just figments of my imagination.

 See, I slip into delusions sometimes. Though when I am in them, I am aware of it. I watch myself and study what I am saying. I wonder if Freud ever watched himself silently like that? There are so many levels to conciousnesses and dimensions. I can't spell anymore, apparently, so I wish I had a spell check on this blog. Writing on my blog helps get some of this negative energy out of my head.  I stay online too much and look a wizened old biddy, bent over painfully at my desk, typing away....hahahha

I subscribed to Carrie Fisher's Facebook page, and make comments on her time line, wondering if she will actually read what  I have to say. I predict she will find me one day, cuz I am interesting and she needs to chat about her disease like I do. Or needs a non judgemental friend to emphathize about being bi polar. Am I being delusional thinking this? Will talking about God get me anywhere with this?

See, I know I have bipolar and deslusions, but I am sane and observant of my condition. I want to help others with mental illness. There is a stigma to admitting being mentally ill, and I have lost friends before when I say I suffer depression and talk about what I go through. So, I stay to myself and try not to stand out in a crowd. I am paranoid and ultra aware of myself and how foolish I look. I don't want people to look at me and judge me. I am ashamed of my illness. I am embarassed by it. No one seems to care that I have told, anyway. They think there must be something wrong with me and my character instead of trying to understand me. So I am a recluse and sad and crying and alone.......merry fucking whatever.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    i hate everyone on this planet. i hate u ...doesn't matter. there are so much evil and putrid deeds out there, i think everyone else hates humanity is a fucking bore!!!!

The clincal nerdy part of me with the horn rimmed glasses and clipboard studies my out bursts and crying fits and checks off....makes a note, says hmmmm, and silently agrees. life really is a bore. nerdly sandi turns on her heel, white coat flapping behind click click....down the asylum hallway....nerdly sandi wears sensible but sexy heels.... :)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

And A Brutal Christmas to u too!!

Yet another year alone. No home, no family, no husband....can't say no home. I have a nice one bedroom apt with cheap rent....just meant and as mom...loving that just a dream to me?????? I am cat mom now. Eccentric aunt who never married or had kids...scares the hell out of me....seeing the years yawning towards me like a never ending hallway in horror myself and i alone traveling it...sick in my head at the thought. Mental disease....sick oh sick oh sick....i maintain though. I try and keep my thoughts to myself. Just let it out here on my blog.

Last year on my profile on Tagged, I asked friends not to send me Christmas comments, because it hurt too much. Reminded me of what I didn't have. Same ole same ole now.....Same as always, it seems. Never ending pain.....Still thinking the same thing now as then. Hoping for a life beyond what I have now. Being loved. Getting stronger.....feeling better and know happiness....Still yearning for it like every other year. Knowing now that I will never have a child. My body is changing and I go through crazy hormones from hell.....I have let my biological clock run out....

Now the person I really cared about has a live in girlfriend. He made sure to tell me twice that she is 33....yeah I fucking heard u the first time! So what!? I know u miss me anyway. U and I have things in common. We are both creative and sensitive. Both artists. U can't deny ur soul mates!!!!

I have been very low....I just stay high to numb myself to it....drink wine and get messed up....eccentric aunt with cats.....I try and focus on Jesus and that to stay positive. It is Christmas, and I have forced myself to go to family parties with my friend L. It's her family. Not mine. I haven't seen mine in years. I am afraid my mama is gonna pass on without me ever seeing her again...

I try to think of Jesus and have been looking up Christmas songs to put on my Facebook page. Watching them and feeling how much I love God and how this year is ending and I am hoping for a better one in 2012. Then, I get scared cuz everyone says the world is ending on Dec 21, 2012.....Champagne Supernova in the SKY>>>>>>>>>>>>

I try to leave hints for everyone to get my messages that I pass on from the Universe. I try and think of good things at is so sad...all the bad things in this world that happens.....terrible things...every year, Christmas is a HOPE FOR US ALL.....a renewal...a new beginning.....

I go and cut up potatoes and onions to cook, and think of stabbing myself in the neck and ending it all. I stare at the blade flashing in my hands.....water pouring over it, as I wash the knife to put away.....I have bad thoughts so much.....they are like torture to me......and nightmares when I sleep.....I never feel peace.......I want to be happy like everyone else......

God looks after me when I am sick and when I am high.....I smoke to feel better, and feel seperated from my bodily pain enough to just be taken along for the ride..... in other words, my body moves, and I, being trapped inside here in this body, has to follow along.......I move around and cook and clean with I am smoking God takes over when I am high...he looks after me....if I don't smoke, I just rot on my couch.....rot rot rot....I want to make a difference in this is getting too late for me.....I am aging and see it everyday now.....i need help now, Lord! Send my helpers to me and get me out of this place....I am ready to move on.......

NOEL NOEL>>>>>>>>>>>   Christ is born~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Curling inward~~

It is hard for me to write much these days. I self medicate all the time. I am pretty much horrified at my life and how I am growing old alone, that I have gone off the deep end.....can't seem to drag myself out of it. I try, but it never seems to get me very far.   I have given up trying to decide if I am special or not. That I have a message to send out, and that I have tapped into other voices from other worlds.....or more precisely, dimensions.....not sure....just know there is a spiritual realm there to tap into, if we all focus our minds and hearts on saving this world, and banishing hate.....

Anyway, I try and get out sometimes, but I have to make myself do it....I can only say that God gets me ready and presentable to meet humans.....I am a shrinking violet that must get blotto to function in reality. And since I self medicate, I become esoteric and get my messages from God and try and date and time stamp them to prove it really happened to me.....I try to tell the world that what I say is important, but get disappointed when I get no, I curl inward and battle through life alone......I do try to get out sometimes, but it is so hard. It is much easier to give into this inertia and curl inward into a tight little ball and die.....I think I am letting bipolar depression kill me. I think it is time....I think I can't take this anymore.

Deny me three times, Peter? ~~J, my hollish friend, u know u can fight it, but u will come back to me. I will just ignore til then.

And I watch these timely documentaries, about how cannibis can stop pain and is useful to cancer patients. I know I need it to function, but I have a problem self medicating too much. If it were in a pill form, maybe I could control it by dosage. I wake up in the morning, all bent over and in pain, and feel sick and depressed. When I smoke, I start moving around and doing stuff. Cleaning my place, organizing...creative cannibis makes me feel better too. I can function and get things done, and be numb at the same time. REALITY is way too harsh for me....CHECK PLEASE!
And I have this spiritual dimensional quality to cannibis, as well as mood lifting and pain killing .....
I just with God would send my important friends to me and let them help me!!!!!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Paranoid and delusional in an un kind world....

If this is real, then God will send someone to help me....I am dying slowly from bi polar disorder and depression.  I  want to help people with mental illness, so I write on my blog to tell the world how people with bipolar disorder live on another plane of existence......the real world is too frightening and huge and crowded and confusing.....too noisy....i retreat with medical marijuana. It activates something in my brain...I almost immediately get up and moving, and cleaning my place. I have many knick knacks, and i am bad allergies, so all this stuff  accumulates dust that is really thick. I live on a very busy street, and get lots of dust and soot coming in my I get up and cleaned for 2 days and still and straightening and it takes lots of mental work vs. my high allergies.....I have allergies, but I smoke pot. I get very esoteric and high, and see lots of messages in the cachophony of life.....I view the internet as a message port to the world, and I enjoy being creative on one listens yet, so I date and time stamp stuff.....trying to write this myself is very hard....i need an assistant or new computer with speech recognition software....I have a big brain and must learn much to become  plugged in! I need access to higher technology to speak about creativity......yeah I like being a writer and artist, but my body is way behind my racing brain.....I am aging fast the past few years and my looks are changing into old lady goodbye beautiful looks, and hello being spiritual or go insane.....luckily,  i have a med marijuan card.....but this time i am gonna try and stay off it....but it does get me functioning....I can deal with life better with pot.....side effects, i get PaRaNoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddd in a big way....and yesterday, my kitten Elvis stressed me out....he is very curious and is always right where I am,  like a little one year old child
!!!!! He has to watch every thing, and I turn my back for one second, and he immediately jumps up on the stove with boiling water......sitting right next to it! I pick him up and he is warm from sitting so close!!!!!
yesterday, I was cleaning non stop, and stopped to heat up some pasta....elvis my kitten is walking all over the counter tops as usual....I am trying to get him to listen to me...I say get down! and point to the floor...he knows what i am doing, but he likes to eat and is very naughty he crawls into my micro wave right as i am about to nuke my pasta.....ahhhhhhh I had all theses horrible thoughts from all these horror movies i watch.....or hear from urban legends.....or that it really DOES happen in real life......and I was very high and fumbling around....but that tripped me out....I felt myself falling into another reality....I felt like I had crossed over to another side....I get delusional I don't know....
So, I dragged my kitten Elvis out of the microwave and drop him to the floor, and he disappears out the door....and i put my pasta back into the micro wave...but when i went to start the oven..i was this real??? or am i dreaming???? cause being high as chronically as i get.....i live in my own head....
i am on auto matic pilot and get stuff  down in this reality......the brutal 3 dimensional rules the world here.....people are cruel and sadistic here....poverty is dragging me under the water.....feel like I am drowning in the dark waters.....and want to drown.....and dream every night of running away and living by peaceful seas or serene waters.....baptismal.....
Sometimes I drop hints to dichiper...but I am tired and dying and shriveling into old lady eccentric aunt cat lady tomb.....I forget how to spell, obviouosly....but pot brings me esoteric psychosis..say what u will, but I would  rather be esoteric and artistic and living in other realities, than to date brutal reality on a daily basis.....everyone has to  do it, and it is a cruel harsh eat dog god eat god.....
The winds here howled all around my building last night....howled and whistled tunes like a human, and clicked and sounded like humans talking....spooky and scary.....i stayed out my  bedroom cause that was where it was most being esoteric and living in two realities, i see signs or hear cues from the tv or just jumps right out at me, cause i am so sensitive.....winds of change......the moon just moved into Aguarius....Age of Aquarius.....I am just saying....I wish someone would care about what I think.....I am intelligent but dying....oh I hear whistling outside again...627 pac st time....supposed to be windy again tonight.....

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Angel out...

I have been going through a lot in the past few months, and have let this depression that is killing me slowly to take over. I am aging a lot...I look a lot different now...time is written on my face and in my heart....
Just gotta say that I have so many esoteric messages..I try to time stamp them or get witnesses to see what I am seeing.....things happen for me, and I know I am getting messages from another plane of existence. Believe me, I question it is real too, so that is why I try to get witnesses. I need an assistant now, Lord. Someone to help me. I am ill and need healing by YOU....I want to finish my blog up and get it out to every one. that there is life out there we can communicate with. That we can control our thoughts for the good of mankind....take yoga classed, commune with nature, be artistic and creative in every thing u one another....take care of one another. we are all special in the EYES of GOD......he views the world through us all....we are his nerve cells......ask rheinold bonnke....i forget his name. but someone told him that jesus lives in ur heart but sometimes needs to look out the windows of ur eyes.....
anyway, back is very tiring to feel like this.....i am fading fast.....

Oh and thank u Father for the beautiful sunset for me the other night....I got my neighbor Steve to witness it, though it was dissipating by the time he say it.....
I saw it all..drank it had been raining all day and I had stayed in bed all day, depressed....I go out into the hallway to take the kitties for a run, and caught the most magnificent sunset i have witnessed in ages......boiling rain clouds in the distance, over the ocean...2 groups of birds, wheeling at different heights in the distance....sun beams blazing out between a rift in the grey beautiful....

and way off in the distance...heading almost directly into the sun beams and what looks like HEAVEN to me, an arrow >>>>>>>>> of birds flew western ward into the crack....awesome!!! It was very 3 dimensional too.....very esoteric it was a message for me....and when i get back online, i see immediately a photo of jim morrison on my news feed, and he had a message for and time stamped.....i need a new computer Dear Lord, and an assistant to clean and be a friend and be trusted by me....oh, as i was saying. I had been chatting about Jim Morrison, and how I liked his music so much, and had added, I see the awesome sunset, then I come back and see jim's message....see I need someone to take this down as I say it will be in real time....I will try and write more later and get caught up.....

feb 27

this is me later month later i guess i don't know. i have lost time of things....i just wanna add that i found this video by eurythmics a couple of days ago...thought it was strange how in the lyrics she is singing about elvis presley and his praise songs.....i have talked a few times on my fb page about how elvis was at the root of rock and roll with his black gospel praise songs....elvis helped start a revolution....

and seeing i keep saying i am bi polar angel....i was kinda intrigued by this i feel it all.....honestly, i really don't know where i get all of this....i clearly need to sort out my feelings, but i do hear stuff and it IS real.

today i was reading an article on fb about how LA is surpassing Chicago as being a politically corrupt place.. about two beats after i read the word Chicago, i heard the word Chicago....normally, when i hear synchronized words and sounds, it is at the exact same time....just a curious thing i go through......don't know why i do, but i do....end of apologies to anyone for that....i am being true to myself....
never heard this song before..i think many artists tap into the same creative flow.....we all drink from the same reflective well.....

Monday, October 3, 2011

Happy Autumn.....God is Good...

Bad day today........fuck they one on top of the other......stacked to Heaven..........I feel so friggin depressed. Scared. don't know what's gonna happen to me. Sick from fear and depression. Tired all the time.....have to smoke to feel better......feel physically illlllllllllllllll   yeah all the time....I feel myself sinking for sure...I feel so cloud covering me ....horrible..........bad sad. I just want to be normal and happy.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Hormones gone wacko....

I just turned 52, and I suppose I have been going through menopause for about 10 yrs now. Or peri~menopause, to be exact. Now I have PMS and depression every month. And have heavy periods. My doc said I could either have a hysterectomy, or just wait til I go into full menopause. I never feel good ever. And I get so moody before my cycle...I just feel awful and think bad thoughts.....feel ill all over. Been self medicating a lot to ease the pain, but conversely, when I smoke, it makes me more depressed. Or more hopeless. I smoke to alleviate pain and sadness, but get more sad but also not so in pain. It is hard to say.....I just want happiness in my life, and I have given up.....

Thursday, September 15, 2011

hahahaaha this is my new kitten Elvis.....

Animal Therapy

Well, i spent yet another summer alone here in my apt. Spent another  birthday alone. I am sad today. I have gone back to self medicating every day, and wake up feeling hung over every day. I feel sick all the time, so I keep self medicating.  blah blah blah who cares...I know I mean nothing is this world.  Whatever.

Just wanted to make a comment that I have a new kitten named Elvis, and he is a little scamp. He makes me laugh when I feel miserable and alone. He and my other cat Tigger get along good. They wrestle and chase each other. Maybe my older cat Sugar that died in June sent him to me. He was all wormy and covered in fleas, so I know he is happier now, after I got his shots and got rid of his worms.  They sure made me sick, dealing with them every day.

We have another inspection here where I live next Monday. That makes 3 or maybe 4 since June. I live in Gestapo state! It stresses me out a lot. I just want happiness, and I have given up on that possibility.

At least they let us have  pets here. I can't stand my life totally alone, so my cats help me emotionally to deal with things. Elvis likes to knock over all my plants though!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

With God, You Are Not Alone

 I was just looking at this Christian Singles' chat room on Face Book, and saw this made me feel a bit better....I have to remember that no matter how scared or sick or depressed and hopeless I feel, God is with me......Jesus died for my  sins and loves me......gotta remember that. Remembering that makes me feel a little stronger......

Are you terrified of being alone? Does an empty house or apartment cause you to switch on the television, radio or CD player just to create some sound? Here's a truth that will take time to appreciate: The more intimate your relationship with God, the more comfortable you'll be when you're alone. That's because a person in a deep, heartfelt relationship with God interprets aloneness as solitude. Solitude is time spent alone with God. When you invite God into your life, you'll begin to sense a real, palpable presence. In the quiet, in the solitude, God will speak to you. He will do it through his Word, the Bible, or impressions or leading. You won't hear an audible voice. If you want a personal, intimate relationship with God, you have to make time to be alone with him. As that relationship grows, your aloneness will turn into solitude. You'll begin to understand that

  you are never really alone.   

boop boop be doop!

love ya

Yeah, but God, I want my mate to find me now, please. All  the pastors I listen to says to remind You, Lord, of what you promised me. That whatever I ask for from You in Jesus' name, I will receive. You know, Father, that I am lonely and sad and want love in my life. That I need someone to help me and look after me. That I want a wonderful, loving, spiritual, creative, attractive, generous, funny, adventurous, intelligent, faithful, kind man to love me and protect me and give me a lovely home to live in...maybe we could even have a kid or two.....someone that is interested my history and art and travel and science, and cross word puzzles, and classic movies and watching jeopardy to shout out answers with me. Someone who will understand my moods and hold my hand and never let go of me.....Someone I can trust with my life....Always there and caring for me....
and handsome.....and sweet. And giving and caring....and manly. Someone I feel attraction for and he returns it...Someone to make me laugh.....Please, I want to laugh and enjoy life here on Earth....

This I ask You Father God, in Jesus Christ's Name....Amen....xx

Now, Please send him Father?!! I need some help in my life. I am tired of going it alone in everything I do.....I need my mate,  Heavenly Father....thank you.

Depression Kills....

It is true. It is killing me slowly. I can't bear it anymore. I feel so ill all the time. Like I am on  my way out of this life. Just walking a little ways makes me feel sick. I have to force myself out to do things. And I self medicate constantly. I wish I didn't have to do that. When I run out, I say to myself that I quit and I gotta get my shit together so I can get clean in case I find a job I want to apply for....But then I wake up feeling awful. Aching all over, feeling I self medicate again...

Last night, taking a shower, I realized I get things done...even in my depressed/manic/sometimes delusional state of mind. I reviewed what had transpired from  the time I got up, and I had to feel like I had to have accomplished something, at least......yeah, yeah, I know, I am a loser..I don't have a job and I live on the state, etc.....I tell myself I gotta get a live all the time. The amount of fear I have thinking of it paralyzes me into in action. All I can do is baby steps these days. Which is too bad, cuz I was a good worker and honest and dependable.

 My car is in the shop right now, getting a new engine, so I had to go to the grocery store to buy supplies by walking there. I pulled along my old lady buggy behind me to put my groceries in. Spent too much money there, so I know I got over draft charges, but I don't like walking back and forth to the store when I feel weak, so whatever...I didn't care at that moment. Any way, the point is, I made myself take a shower and put on a little make up and don one of my sun dresses to walk there. I have to force myself to do anything, I am so lethargic, and there has been many times I never wore make up or get decently dressed, or BATHE  for that matter, cuz depression kills every good thought you just exist from day to day, in pain, waiting to die....
So, as I was pushing the old lady buggy full of  groceries home yesterday, I thought for the millionth time of how easy it is to end up in the street, homeless, pushing my belongings along in a shopping cart. Eating out of a garbage can. Pan handling for money. Doing drugs and drinking to escape........................................
.....I am crying huge tears thinking of scared. I don't wanna die alone and old.....I pass this homeless guy that is always living/hiding in this little dent in this can tell he's out there, out in space somewhere, by just looking at him. Filthy from head to toe....grime smeared all over his face, and him staring Heaven ward, in a moment with God. He is oblivious of me walking by. I am getting messages from God myself again. What do they say in the Bible? Be aware of everyone and how you treat them, because you may be in the company of angels....something like that. I have to look up the exact saying.
His face is so grimy with soot and greasy oil, that his blue eyes look piercing, staring up into Heaven. He is so dirty, he is one color, all over...even his clothes.....pure filth. I am a bit frightened of him, so try to not get his attention as I lean into my buggy and push harder to get past him. But you know what? A big crack in the sidewalk dipped my buggy, and some of my food fell out on the side walk.

So I think, "Does this mean I should stop and give him food because he is hungry?" Because I could. I could give him a bagel and a bottle of water and maybe a piece of fruit. I have it all there in my shopping buggy. I had stopped before on another day when I had passed him, and gave him a dollar....but I was too scared to get his attention this time, so I just kept walking on, letting him starve and be thirsty...I am evil and selfish sometimes.....I just feel so paranoid when I am out walking in this busy, huge city. I hear so much about women getting abducted and crime, etc...that I would rather have my car to take me places than me  being scared of getting my purse snatched or some mental case attack happens! If I had a big body guard escort me, I would like helping homeless people. But me doing it alone...I feel really vunerable.  And I have been beaten up and put in the hospital before by an abusive ex, so I have never really gotten over it, even after over a decade.......
And as I got to this secluded bit of the street, and young guy came walking towards me. I tell myself not to be scared..and I say I will kick him in  the head if he tries and robs me. And I keep walking right towards him, not stopping.....he is just normal, and passes by me to walk in the opposite direction. But I at least hit back at my fear. I didn't turn and run....sometimes living me vs the world is hard....don't know what to believe anymore. Don't trust my own judgement about anything...I don't want to be a bag lady pushing a shopping cart~~~~that, I KNOW...!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Some Improvement To Cerebral Cortex.......

That title is a joke. Sometimes I have strange little thoughts.. so I am gonna try and jot them down to show how a bipolar mind in manic phase works. Little a computer gone haywire...thoughts race back and forth forth and back. upppssie doosie.......whoooooooooo and then a profound thought on why was I created and  why  me, and why can't I feel better? I tell everyone I just want to be normal. I have been manic since Monday last, which was my bday.....I self medicate you see, and that is the only thing that seems to get me moving and out of the doldrums and pit of despair. With a couple of tokes, something clicks and my brain starts functioning and I am MELLOW. YELLOW MELLOW. THEY CALL ME MELLOW YELLOW......but smoke is therapeutic to me. I get active, I start cleaning, I pace back and forth a lot, but I do things while I am pacing. Cleaning. organizing, thinking creative thoughts that are stifled in my waking life.....In my dreams, I have very vivid dreams every night, and most of them are not pleasant....I wake up in a cold sweat, drenched all over in water risen from my pores. I could swim in my own bodily water, I feel so drenched. I have to take off my pajamas and change, cuz the sweat turns icy cold....Sometimes I sleep on towels to save my smoke makes me manic and I dance dance dance to rock music, writing down lyrics, and seeing life from another dimension. I told my doc all this today. I went to see him and was dresssed all trendy and purple all over. But nicely done. I have designer in me.. I am using color therapy and aroma therapy today on myself. I am an artist, and when I am manic, I am me again when I was younger. Flamboyent, colorful. Purple is my color. Royal Purple for the Lioness. August 22. In numerology, double numbers are more powerful. And purple attracts prosperity, so I was pretty purpled up today... Riding the bus, being colorful. Latins surrounding me on the public transit system. They are nice people. They are just trying to get by just like we all are. They come to this country for a better life. Can't blame them for that. LA is multi~cultural city. ..Anyway, later I will make other remarks.......but I can say that when I get animated and manic, it is like Lazuras returning from the dead. I am that depressed and out of it when I get ill....nothing reaches me. I hate the world and humanity and even God or maybe it is the God in me, that I don't know how to reach and I get frustrated being poor and sad, and angry and jealous and hateful and mean hearted.....I wanna try and reach God inside .....I tell him that  I need his help getting through the day and I am weak and I need some positive people in my life or I am going dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnn CIRCLING THE DRAIN....CIRCLING , CIRCLING.......gone. So  I prefer being animated....transplanting plants at 3 or 4 in the morning. Watching Sci Fi channel or History Channel...cuz they intrique me. And I dance and dance and clean and organize and think plots of movies and how I want Meg Ryan to play me therapist looks at me like I am nuts when I say I have something to say and need to put out a message for the mentally ill people of this world.......and poor.....and scared. And abused. And hopeless....And evil and Ambivalent.......There is a God, and He Loves You.....And be creative to reach the other level of understanding......Peace Out, World.....xx

Friday, August 19, 2011

Life sux

Just wanted to say I have been  fuming for weeks now. Mad at the world. Mad at Nico. I told him off, and called his bitch a russian skank whore. He deserved it. He said he could never forgive me. I told him  I don't need his stupid forgiveness. What about me forgiving him for stringing me along for months and months, and then wanting me to stay  flirting and chatting with him, after he has moved in with her? I told him to go to hell. I just hate everyone right now. My car is broken down again, and I think I will have to try and sue the place that fixed it. Except they didn't fix it at all, and I paid them 700 dollars for the shitty job they did. I am sick of people treating  me bad and taking advantage of me!!!! And I ran into Carlos, my ex, one day, and he was a complete and total asshole....I don't know what I did to deserve all the shit I go through, but I've had enough of it!!!!!!!!!! Damn all of u losers to HELL!! I am sick of it! I am even  mad at God right now.

One good thing, is I got a new kitten, but he has worms and need his shots, and I am broke as usual. Fuck it all!!!!!

My birthday is in a couple of days, and I am sure I will spend it alone as usual.....fuck it allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll I feel like screaming my head off, but it won't do any good.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Bi Polar Bitch From Hell....

I have gone off my soberity, and when I do that, I get  even worse. The depression I feel is debilitating. I can't stand life anymore. i told my doc that it is like having 6 movies i have playing in my head all at the same time.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Alone Again, Naturally....

I told my doc today that I can't stand my life anymore and the depression I feel constantly. He asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital to get electric shock therapy. I don't know about that. If my life would improve, I would be better I hope. But being alone and lonely all the time is too much. I have completely given up on meeting my mate. There is no such person. Only men I don't want or who don't want me. I try to talk about what pain I go through, and no one wants to know. In fact, it puts people off me. They go away and it is over.

to all the sad souls roaming the world.....this song is for us....

Goodbye My Italian Heart. I am done with u.

Well I gotta say that I find out who my real friends are when I tell them I am suffering from bipolar and can't take the depression anymore........yeah that's right. They f~ing disappear on me. I am crying my eyes out, and no one cares. They just go away and don't wanna know me. Thanks World. NO Thank  You, Los Angeles! Rudest City in  America! No one cares in this town. I am totally invisible when  I walk Venice Beach or go anywhere in this city. Only the fellow odd balls like me seek me out. The off kilter ones.........Fisher Kings.

If I felt better, I would write more about it,  but I can only do short spurts of writing these days. Just gotta say World, I am gonna be leaving u soon. It is too real for me here. Too 3 dimensional. I need to fly and not feel fear anymore. I am tired of being scared and lonely. And nothing.

So, do I do what I have been thinking of doing all these months? Make my 4 social networks aware of my blog and I become bipolar angel of LA, or I get put away somewhere? hahahahaha I am so clever that I make myself laugh. My friends have told me I should be on stage cuz what I say is so funny.....see, I am aware of my mental illness. I am not stupid. Quite the opposite. I want to help people get well from mental illness. I want them to know they are special and don't give up hope. I fight those feelings every day of my miserable life.
When I am manic or unstable I feel creative and prophetic.  I think all sorts of thoughts....

I have suicidal thoughts 24/7, I think. To Be Or Not To Be.......

I just told Nico that I can't stand this anymore. That I feel suicidal. I tell him I love him. He says that love is an important word. And that I am special to him. Oh whoopee. Big f~ing deal. Oh yeah, I forgot. He has a lover now and is engaged. Oh my bad...I back  up. Ok Nico, on that note I leave u. I am done with u. He says he can't control the heart and what it wants. Skank whore Russian bitch is what u want Nico? I hope she hurts u so much!

No one can tell me they love me. They just go away.....maybe I am a leper when I say I am sick and need help. Maybe they don't care..........Maybe I die I don't care. I love God but hate life. How do I solve this dilemma???????

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I Am Mary Magdalene today.....

Or that is what I told my friends today, walking to church.  We are the modern day women disciples that looked after Jesus. Come on Jesus, we'll feed ya! Come on Babe." That is what I really said. I almost had to crawl there cuz I have been self medicating for over a month now, every day.

Anyway, I am having some kind of esoteric dilemma these days. To Be Or Not To Be...every day.....Jesus, are u real? Jesus, do u exist? I would say to u that I am ready for u to come for me. I can't take this pain anymore. I tell my friends that I feel like I am dying.....or I say I am gonna commit suicide. I am listening to the movie, St Paul of Tarsus on TBN Christian Channel....I am very interested in how the society lived back in Jesus' time. For these disciples to happily go to their gruesome deaths because they BELIEVED JESUS IS GOD IN THE FLESH. That He came down to our level to talk about LOVE, BEAUTY, FORGIVENESS, FAITH, AND LIFE AFTER DEATH. ANOTHER REALM. ANOTHER REALITY. I do believe their is another realm. I am frightened I will miss it....Heaven, Nirvana, Elysian Fields, Never Never Land.....Alice down the rabbit hole.......

Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. Not just when someone is hurtful to u, but in ur life as well....He says not to worry.....that it will not add one more minute to ur life. Be at Peace and know God Loves His Creations....I bet Atheists wouldn't die for their believes!!! I have noticed that atheists are not as kind  or happy as Christians...they have more of a sarcastic view of the world. That is what I observed from things I have read by atheists.

Some times I can't get to church cuz of my depression. But the last 2 times I went, I feel like I have been getting messages. Hearing things I need to hear to keep me going. Cuz I really am feeling suicidal. I am not growing old, alone and poor. No thank you! Check, please!!!!!!

So do I become part of the church and pursue Jesus and try and get  well, or do I let myself die from bipolar depression???? Do an Amy Winehouse? I just feel I can die anyway. Age is creeping up on me. My depression has worn my body down....

Any way.....I find ancient history very stimulating. So I enjoy hearing stories of Jesus and his disciples, and the society he had to endure just because HE SAID HE IS GOD.  And how he appeared to 500 people after his death. How his words have endured all these Saul became Paul....he was so sure that Jesus spoke to him on the road to Damascus, he became a believer and traveled miles and miles to preach Jesus' words. And endured all the pains and tortures he had inflicted previously on Christians.....Pretty Awesome, Jesus!

Last week's sermon at my church, Core Church LA.....Jesus said not to worry....
This week's sermon.....I forget at the moment, cuz I get short term memory loss when I self medicate...oh yeah, the pastor said that Jesus loves all of us...even nobodies like me. That he wants us to share his word when I can....I try to be friendly to people in this city, but I am a recluse and all these crowds of people stress me out. They aren't very friendly, either. It is time for me to move on Lord....leave LA....

I told my friend L. this morning as I was getting ready for church that I feel like I am gonna kill myself.  When my friend was out of town, she must have called the social worker here, cuz he came banging on my door to see if I was alright. I am getting too ill. I need to get some help with my mission.

So I wait to see if I am really  special by not standing out at my church. That I hide in the back and wait for the higher ups to notice me. And wait for bipolar Steve to heal me from bipolar or sickness or insanity or delusions.......or make me Mary Magdalene......

I need to pass my torch.. We are evolving or we die. We have a choice.

If u have not noticed, all these bad people are being embarassed and brought down in the news. It is time to begin a new enlightenment with God....we are having droughts and awful heat waves that last for weeks.....hurricanes, volcanoes, tsunamis, HELLO!!!!!! Anyone listening?????? Obey God and Love Him, or let yourselves die out by your own hand. Mankind......womenkind....animal life, plant life, aquatic life....avian life ........I cry so hard to think of all of the innocent animals dying. All the children who knew no better. How Mankind is cruel and inherently evil.....why I don't know. Why we are so bad, I don't know. In our genes. Chimpanzees kill each other.....if we have their genes, it comes out .......our we from Adam and Eve......or monkeys? I debate all these thoughts in my  head.

I am a big Sci Fi fan from my teen years, and I view 2001, A Space Odyssey, by Arthur C. Clarke, sounds plausible to me....I watch shows on the History Channel, about Ancient Aliens, and how the stones at Puma Pooko in Peru? I think, had to had to have been chiseled with tools with diamond tips...not by hand, like we silly modern people believe the ancient people did. Or we have lost all the knowledge through the AGES because our evil destroys us before we can evolve?

 So, are we inventions of an Alien culture?Are we science experiments like on X Files? Were we genetically altered by God~like aliens akin to the book 2001? And have u noticed that a lot of what early science fiction writers wrote about has been coming true? We are rushing to extinction. This world is loaded with hate and evil. I am so sensitive to it. I feel it in my bones.....I don't understand why we are evil, but we have to over come that and live love and not poor starving orphans in Africa....the people in Somalia are dying......droughts.... we are killing our home. Earth. Terra. Mother Nature. Gaia........She is our home. We evolved here. She is our mother. Why do we behave like heathens and hate one another and do awful things? Wouldn't u be upset to see ur children killing each other and making u sick as well? Mother Nature is fighting back, and we as humans are near self murder.....And our we all gonna die on December 21st, 2012? All I know is what I do remember something that Jesus said today....

hell, I forgot again... short term memory loss. Anyway, I watch the christian channel and go to church to try and help me over this suicide watch of mine. It seems to help me. I need to believe God loves me. I need to know that.......I feel so alone. I need God. I need You God!!!

Our Father,  Who Art In Heaven
Hallowed {HOLY} is Your Name.
Thy Kingdom Come,
Until we meet You Lord, in the Next Life,
Thy Will Be Done
Love one another, look after each other and protect the Earth and the Environment and Animal Life. Protect Nature as a Living Being........We are all one and from this Earth. We are kin because God made us all.....we were divinely made I think, but I  have scientific questions. I am modern day Christian, I suppose. I question God and why I am here on this planet. Why do the preachers say we are all God's children and He has a plan for each and every one of us? I get so lost in the crowd when I step out into the city........City of Angels, but was rated they rudest city in america last year? I am totally invisible in this town. I am a no body and believe I have no one.....If I am God's child, wouldn't He want me to be happy in a loving relationship? Wouldn't God want me to do good things with my life? I would want to have a normal life if I was in a healthy, loving relationship. I would stabilize and I could complete God's mission. I need someone to look after me so I can dance onstage with Jesus....xx

This movie St Paul of Tarsus is very good. I enjoy ancient history and the birth of Christianity. Those disciples lived and died for Jesus. They believed with all their hearts that HE IS REAL. I feel sick in the head, Lord! I am not aging well here! I need my disciples too! I call John from Holland and his sister Monique. Now, am I delusional, or do things really happen to prove God's love for us?

All I can do is test it with myself. Can we penetrate the veil of another dimension if we evolve? We need to open our higher brains. Jesus was a HIGHER BEING.  He was intelligent and kind. He knew the laws of Moses and was God's Child, A Jew. So we have this Judeo~Christian Religion type thing gonna come down soon, according to the preacher's on all the Christian Channels. The Evangelical Christians are trying to be buddies with the Israeli Jews these days, trying to move forth the prophecy of The Jews coming home to Jeruselem...God's Country.  How they wanna finance the Jews coming home and re-building Solomon's Temple. Fulfillment of prophecy.

They want to bring Jesus to rapture them. I am not sure of the Rapture. That was something that came from some one's idea.....why can't Jesus just let us know He is REAL, AND HELP US GET OUR ACTS TOGETHER????? Why do we have to live by faith?? It is too hard! I feel so alone and lonely.

Why can't Our Father help us to be good? Why we have to govern our own selves? Why do we have to question it all? Is it The Big Bang? Is It Divine Father, and Terra Mother? Are all the Universes empty except for this planet?

I truly don't believe that, but some Christians are narrow minded. They don't believe in other societies except humanity. And why does it have to be always weird type aliens that visit us? I believe there are other dimensions that can be traveled through. I have a sci fi brain like Arthur C Clarke. He was brilliant. He invented the Communications Satellite. He was very interesting.....And Ray Bradbury shares my birthday....that would be cool to meet him on that day.....

 I saw this show on TBN with the Prime Minister of Israel  saying that he believes Iraq is gonna attack Israel once they get nukes. Once the bomb is dropped, it is all over, people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hello!! We are moving towards an Apex.....I feel it building up inside me. I feel so sensitive and suicidal....

I am a gentle person who needs love.....I want to be well, honestly. I want God to help me get well so I can follow St Paul. I want God to be REAL. I NEED to know God is real! I have to feel love from the center of the world. Ancient times said  Rome  was the Center of the World. So Paul goes to Rome. Was that God's Will? All roads are said to have led to Rome. I love my Nico. My beautiful Italian online boyfriend. He is special and sweet. But a Latin lover. They are the kind who plays with other women. I want a man I can trust. I have given up on men. I must go be Mary Magdalene. I am so sad.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I Miss Living.....

I haven't been well lately. I feel sick in the head. You know, I just view life differently..I am too emotional and negative. REALITY IS TOO HARSH FOR ME. I am just so sensitive to everything. Noise, bright lights, crowds of people, traffic.....can't deal anymore. LA has finally won over me. I have fought for a long time to survive here, but I can't stand it anymore.  I refuse to grow old alone here in  this city. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis. I hate life and humans and not knowing what I am doing anymore.
I do believe there is evil in this world, cuz I have met it through bad humans that were in my life.

So I am damaged and fearful and suspicious from that, and ill from being poor and worrying how I can keep supporting myself. And loving someone I can't have is extremely painful. Don't know if it is love anymore. More anger and hatred. Some fucking Russian bitch has my baby Nico. I hate him and her both and hope they die.

Other than that, I am a gentle person with animals, and I love flowers and beauty. Sometimes the flower withers in the desert heat. Only I thirst for beauty, peace and love.......I don't wanna be here anymore.

Positive affirmation~God loves me? Why am I always in pain and sorrow then? If I have a curse on me
God, please take it away from me!

If I hurt myself and die, is it me, Sandi doing it, or my mental illness? Do I go to hell for suicide, even though I feel sad and miserable and lonely every day?? Why  would anyone want to live if they are totally alone in this world and no one cares about them? Ã…nyone would think of suicide.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

HUD Housing Inspection again.....

Been cleaning this apt for 4 days now, getting ready for yet another inspection. Another summer spent alone and lonely. It seems like it never ends. I have been self medicating for weeks now. Today, I am thinking....should I go to church tonight, or give in and commit suicide? I jumped and laughed like a lunatic when I had a big knife in my hand today, cuz I had this sudden intense impulse to stab myself in the heart or neck.  That is in my mind a lot. Just doing away with myself. I  hate being depressed and feeling unloved. I hate life, as usual.....I dream a lot about Nico. He is my un attainable....I am ignoring him pretty much.  We say hi sometimes. I told him that he made his decision to not meet me, and to get involved with someone else, so I am just gonna stay away from him.

I go out to church or Venice Beach or wherever with my girlfriends to occupy myself sometimes. They hate living here too, so not only do I feel miserable,  I get to hear all their complaints about their lives. I just wanna run screaming away from them when  they start. Jump off a pier or something drastic...I listen to the Christian broadcasting channel, and all these preachers say God has a plan for me....yeah, well I would dearly love to know what that plan is! Cuz I have no clue what to do with my life anymore. I don't wanna live anymore.

Positive affirmation....whatever................x

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Princess and the Pauper

I woke up today thinking of Kate Middleton Windsor, the new princess from England. She and her new hubby Prince William is in town this weekend, and is gonna be at Sony today, which is close to me.

I just keep thinking how blessed her life is now. How wealthy and privileged she is now.  How her accident of birth was maybe pre ordained for her happiness. I hope she does good things with her popularity now, and help less fortunate than she. Follow the lead of her deceased mother in law, Diana.

 People are paying big money to be close to the royal couple. $25,000 a piece for the chance to play polo with Prince William  yesterday in Santa Barbara. $4000 a piece just to watch them play and have a nice lunch. $400 a piece just to sit on the side lines and have a box lunch.

Movies stars gushing over them. The governor of CA, Jerry Brown, and the mayor of LA, Antonio, Villigrosa, waiting at the airport tarmac Friday to greet them and welcome the couple to LA. It must be wonderful to be rich and powerful. Fans lining up everywhere to see them. No doubt, there will be more fans lining the streets around here when they arrive at Sony today. There was big crowds here when Obama went by back a couple of months ago. Very dramatic with the Secret Service, the Navy bomb squads and their dogs....helicopters to watch him whisk by in his motorcade.....I always thought I am gonna be famous one day for some reason. I am delusional again maybe...

I imagine how as I watch Katherine of England  ride by in her what I imagine is a gold festooned chariot,   past my apt bldg in she and William's  motorcade, that I am  magically transported and  exchange places with her. And I imagine  how horrified she would be to be living my life. Talk about reversal of fortune!  She now being poor and feeling unwanted and alone.  A starving animal licking it's chops and the banquet through the glass.

It would now be ME in her body,  eating the gourmet food and being waited on hand and foot, and traveling to exotic places and being married to a handsome and educated prince. And if I were her, I would help people and animals. Not because it is expected of me because of my royal duties, but because I have a heart beating inside me and hate to see suffering. Let God guide me to do HIS service.

Good luck, Katherine. God bless you and all your progeny. America wishes you well. Please be kind and think of others. Help the homeless and addicted and hopeless. Feed the poor and educate the children. Promote culture and art. Make it a priority in school children's lives. Creativity is the key to evolving another part of our brains. We only use like 10 per cent of our brains you know. Just think what a creation we are if we unlock the other 90 per cent!

 I wish I could be a working artist and do something positive with my life. I have some talent, but I feel so ill and despondent, that I feel half dead. I hardly ever see the light of day, being bipolar angel of LA...reclusive saint....ancient mariner....the lost flying dutchman....forced to live a half life. Fear grips and scatters me and sub merges me.

 I once read this comic book. Ripley's Believe It Or Not.  I will always remember about this european noble man hundreds of years ago that lived in a castle and slept 23 hours a day....just got up to eat. I sometimes feel like that guy. Trapped in a  world of my own making. A prisoner of my own home.

 Fear of old age and dying alone....I sleep a lot to avoid life. But I have dreams every night of trying to escape and traveling to exotic places and feeling loved and wanted....every night! And every night I am trying to find work in my dreams and getting laughed at. Anxiety about being poor and growing old alone is doing a big number on my  head. I am so frightened of becoming homeless. I will kill myself first. I really will. I think about it a lot.

Katherine  is a modern day Cinderella. Celebrities and important political people the world over want to know her and listen to what she has to say. She will never know a moment of fear of poverty. Or want for something to eat. She will give birth to little princes and princesses, and will be Queen of England one day.

I want to get a part time job at Sony, and somehow get on my feet financially. I can't stand being poor anymore. Going to the Catholic church down the street to get food from the pantry there. Old Trader Joe's food. Food that is going off and is rotten. Being treated like a loser by the volunteers there. Being talked down to by the women there because I need food. What kind of Christians these women are, I just don't know.

When u are poor, u are treated differently. Like u are worthless. And I have learned to stop telling people I am bi polar, because I am judged then as well. I sometimes blurt it out, just to get someone to hear my pain, but I am gonna try and not tell so many people any more. I am smart and have done things with my life before, but if I tell people I am bi  polar, I am less of a human to these so - called normal people. Just a nuisance to avoid. Human garbage.

I don't wanna be human garbage!!! I don't wanna beg for money! I don't wanna live in my beaten up and dying old car! I am so afraid......yes, there is poverty in america, ladies and gentlemen!

Any way the royals are gonna be at a veteran's hiring fair at Sony today...maybe I will go watch them drive by....the Have Nots watching the Haves live their annointed lives...

Later, well, 1:11 pm, I see a bunch of Chips motor cycle cops stopping traffic and in roaring in front of the special motorcade carrying the royals...Not a big thing like when Obama was here. Only 2 or 3 people standing out, watching them go by. 5 or 6 Range Rovers in a line.....watched them go by from  my living room window. Pretty anti-climatic.

It is strange. I think all these big thoughts, thinking I am gonna help others with this blog, but it is so stupid. I don't matter to the royals or to anyone. If i laid down in front of the motorcade, they would have just run over me and kept going, to keep the royals safe.  I am totally delusional these days.

Later pt 2~~

6 pm...Just watched the national news. How Katherine and William blew in for 3 days and charmed everyone, and now on the plane back home. So between 1 pm and now Sandi, what did you do with YOUR life? Nothing? How sad. Pathetic. Still sitting at my computer. They traveled all over the city and  are now going back to England. What did I do?? Oh, I spent another day alone. One of thousands of days that are all adding up on my body and face....And I looked in the mirror just now and saw how sagging my skin is, and how I probably will end up alone, after all. It is hard to come to that realization....I want to do good too with my life......

God bless Prince William and Katherine.....I hope they do wonderful charity work....xx

Saturday, July 9, 2011

I Am God's Janitor...(Robin Williams in Fisher King 1991)

You know I have not much time left. I feel like I am gonna implode soon. Not well. Too much stress. Too much sadness. Too much pain. Feel too sick. One day I am talking to God, the next, I feel suicidal and believe I don't matter.

 I walk sometimes. Not much. Just to force myself to get some exercise. Walked to the local high school on the 4th to watch the fireworks. Feel so alone in the huge crowd. I am very aware of how alone I am and how I could just lie down and die and it won't matter. Life is hard. Life is cruel. Life  runs us all down in the end. Everyone of us. Every One. We all die. We all become vanquished by death. We all disintegrate. We ignore it, but it all claims us in THE END. "I am sick with experience and am dying"....Fisher King

I keep thinking sometimes I am gonna be well known...that I am gonna fight this demon and win over it. That I can be the voice of mental illness. How it has not claimed me yet. I think I will see Steve and tell him that God wants us all to evolve and be creative.....NOT destructive. Positive affirmation.....God loves Sandi.......I have to believe that, or I go crazy....!  I know Robin can help me vanquish the Red Knight.....

damsel in distress sos sos sos

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

This Is A Test...(This is only a test)....

The Soloist just came on FX. Hello Steve,  remember getting an email from me last year? If this is real, please leave me a message. Tell Jamie N Robert D. I said hey, what's up???? LA homeless mentally ill needs a voice....xxxxx Steve Lopez, come in Steve. Earth to Steve...come in Steve.....or u Earth and me the SKY? xx

Oh I would like Carrie F. to read my blog. If this is real, it will  happen without me trying very hard. You guys come to me. I don't nuthin' bout birthin' no babies, Ms. Scahhlett ! Know where MGM is? That is all I'm gonna say....It's up to u to find me. But be gentle! It scares me and I get paranoid. If this is not real, I will talk about it later on....

Sunday, July 3, 2011

OMy Omy Omy...

Oh my God in Heaven! Others say OMG! Just like it is slang. But oh my God in Heaven is speaking to me now. I am on another esoteric high. I have been very sick with depression, and have been thinking about suicide, and I am getting my little messages again. Am I crazy? I don't really know, I think I am just very sensitive...I can't talk much now. I feel too sick...Sugar died last week, and I am still in  pain over putting her to sleep. My poor Shugie Beah! You know, I am crazy at that! Oh well, she was like my little soul mate. Only pet lovers know how much their babies mean to them. Sugar was very wise soul. Very Deep. Like Yoda on Star Wars.....No Really! hahahaha  I laugh and cry at the same time cuz it is true! Ok I feel sick so I  go for now...

Friday, June 24, 2011

My Cat Sugar Is Sick

I am more depressed than words these days. I can't even talk about how I have been feeling. And on top of that, my cat Sugar has renal failure and the vet said I should put her down.  I try to go to church to feel better. I will talk about it all some other time.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Try to be positive!

My therapist Jane came by to see me yesterday. She was glad about what I was saying. That I should be more positive and see myself as  others do. That I am going to church and getting out more.

And today, I wake up completely depressed. One day I feel half ok, and then next, total despair. I felt too sad and irritable this past couple of Sundays to go to church. I feel really hopeless about my life. I know I need to get out and start making money to improve my life, but I am so lethargic and have no clue how to get started. I have given up on life. All I ever do is sleep, watch tv, or be on the computer.

I am trying to stay away from talking to Nico. He is no good. I have realized. He is just a flirt. He has no substance to him. I wanted to believe he is good, but he is just another user, playing with my feelings.
He sent me a pathetic little smiley face in an email today. That was it. I emailed him back and told him that I didn't need his little crumbs of affection, and not to bother. What a waste of time he was. I told Paul a couple of yrs ago the same thing. He couldn't be bothered to call me and get to know me. He would just send a one sentence email. If they can't be bothered with showing any kind of respect to me, they can go to HELL as far as I'm concerned. I am worth more than that shit.

I am going to list what people say about me, to make myself feel better:

I am beautiful
I am sweet
I am an angel
I am good
I am funny

and I will add...
I am artistic
I love animals
I try to be a good person
I am trying to be more spiritual
I try to be kind
I love God
God loves me too
Jesus is my Savior

I pray that God puts me on the right path to happiness and love. And that I will feel energetic and do good things with my life in Christ's Name and His Path of Enlightenment.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

All My Exes..

I sometimes reflect on all the rotten men I have had relationships with, and I am amazed that I put up with all the bad behavior from these losers. Not one of them did I ever love. From the time I got to CA back around 86, I have met nothing but creeps and users. But I have to reflect that almost my whole life I have had users taking advantage of me. Me being a naive and good person, I put up with that crap. My self esteem got really low, until I thought maybe I didn't deserve anyone better. I hate all them, and their karma is going to catch up with them all. Some already has had bad karma hit them. I am psychologically damaged from their abuse, and all I can do is pray to God to take away my anger and pain.

I hate men. I don't trust any of them. That is sad, cuz I am a giving and sweet person. But when u have been abused so much, u give up. And I am angry at Nico for leading me on for two years. I am very angry at him and hate him as well.  I hope he feels unhappiness with the girl he chose. I hope she hurts him really badly. I finally thought I had met a good man that cared about me, and found out he was just playing with my feelings.

I am so lonely. I don't deserve this. I want a life and husband and love just like any other woman. A nice home and happiness. A nice yard to plant all my flowers, and where my cats can sit in the sun....

Positive affirmation: God looks after me, even though I get filled with hate and anger, jealousy, bitterness and despair. I have to let go, and let God. Let God help me through life. My hands and blessed with wealth, and my body, heart and soul and getting well and positive and happy through Christ Our Lord, Amen...

Friday, May 20, 2011

Look At Me...The Special Girl.

I rode to Venice Beach yesterday with my friend E. and her aunt. I had a nice time. It is so hard to get out these days, that when I do get out, it is like I am an invalid noticing everything and being grateful.  Feeling in the moment and aware of reality. It was a beautiful day, and I got up really early and got ready hours before I talked to E. on the phone and made plans to go Venice.

LA traffic is way harsh. Dealing with it can give you a stroke. Especially during "rush hour". More like, move a couple of feet, sit, look around, listen to talk radio, couple more feet, sigh, just a little bit annoyed when things aren't moving, and then feeling it build up to a crescendo of frustration and curses. I am really good at cursing! ahhaha

Anyway, just to say we took the bus, and it was great not to be behind the wheel. Felt like I was helping clean the air too. Cuz our local busses burn clean gas. I am surprised sometimes that we aren't all dead from the smoggy air here in LA.

 I have awful allergies now. I told my Doc that I never had allergies until after I moved here, and he told me he hears that all the time. All my friends have allergies too. I feel tired tired tired all the time. I have more than one nap a day if I am really not feeling good. So getting out and feeling the fresh spring breezes on the beach was helpful with my depression.  Sunny and not too warm. In the 70s. Famous LA weather. That is why many live here. Sometimes I wonder why I am still here. And just why I am here.

I like going to Venice Beach cuz of all the different characters and artists there. It is a quirky, slightly hippy-ish place. Roller skaters and bike riders, and pretty girls passing out business cards for the marijuana clinics they are standing in front of. The girl that slipped me mine was dressed in jean shorts, and cowboy hat , and brown boots.  Sidewalk entertainers, jugglers and acrobats. Muscle men and basketball players. Someone giving $5 massages.  I like Venice cuz I am quirkly gal and feel a sort of kinship to the artists living on the edge and hawking their wares. I smell pot smoke several times during our walk, and saw a couple of artists smoking a doobie. Smelling incense and sage burning. Checking out cheap jewerly and buying a ring and a few necklaces and a bracelet. All for $2 each. Hearing someone start up a drum circle. I commented to my friends on the fact that someone got stabbed in a drum circle not too long ago at Venice Beach. There is an undelying criminal element at the boardwalk that has brought lots of arrests in the past. Gang activity, junkies hanging out at night. Do not go to Venice Beach at night! That is life in LA though.

So, I have told myself that I should see myself how others see me. People like me and chat with me. They tell me they like how I dress myself in different shades of the same color, and seem interested in me. When I am always alone, it is hard to see myself in a positive way cuz I feel like I am not doing anything with my life. I feel like a failure and get depressed and hide in my apt.

Good thing to say about myself today~people like me! And so do animals.

flyin down that freeway.....

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ok Sandi~~You Can Do This....!

I want to get out today and am dressed to go out, but I feel sick and paranoid. I want to walk around Venice Beach and see all the artists and vendors and people walking, but I feel so overwhelmed. I get so paranoid. Today, I feel like my alien self. I have angel self and bitch mode self, and alien self.

There are big waves at the beach today too. My therapist tells me no one even notices me if I am paranoid, but I feel like I don't belong to the human race sometimes. I feel I want to hide. I have been hiding for yrs now. I need to get out for my health and well being.
My friend said she is thinking of going Venice Beach today after her doctor's apt, and wanted to know if I would meet her. I don't know. Reality is so harsh. I can't deal with life. It makes me anxious. And I feel so tired. Like I can't even be bothered to move. Lethargic. I am dying slowly here in LA. For real. I want more out of my life, but I don't have the energy to do much. I even tell men that who ask me out on a date.
I am damaged here! I am damaged gal!!!

I ask for strength to go on with life, dear God!

Thank you! Amen

Positive affirmation for today~~~
My Hands Are Blessed With Wealth!!!!

Bipolarness sux

Just wanna state that. I am in a manic phase right now. I jump up and start listening to music and dancing when I'm manic. And I write down meaningful lyrics. My messages, you know. So I pace around and dancing,only it half kills me cuz I have been a slug so many yrs.

I am a young old lady. I can still make myself look decent if I try, but the old age ills are creeping up. And I also don't care for my wrinkles. Anyway, when I am depressed I don't feel like doing anything. I cycle downward. I just vegetate. I am trying to get more active, but I really feel like I could just lie down and die from it sometimes. It zaps all my strength and energy away.

I am taking pills to lower my cholesterol and balance my thyroid, plus my allergy medications and anti depressants. Hey no wonder I feel so shitty. I forget I'm drugged up by prescriptions everyday. I had to get off Lexapro cuz it was making me fat. I have lost 10 pounds since getting off it, and I can fit into some of my old clothes again.

 I had to go buy all new  clothes, practically, when I got up to 135. I have always been small. Like nothing over 115. So I have really skinny from size 0-5, and then i had to go start buying large blouses and size 9 and 10 pants. So now I am like at size 7 or 8. I just got to get rid of my belly...

Anyway, I jumped up and took a shower and got nicely made up to force myself to walk on Venice Beach to day for my health and well being, but I am paranoid and don't feel physically well. I just want to feel normal and do things and have a life. I have quit living a long time ago and need to get myself well. I feel really mental these days. That is one big reason I go to church. To have optimistic spiritual people around me. I watch the Christian channel too. TBN. Just to hear people say that God loves me and wants me to be his loving child. I am a little bit rebelling against it sometimes cuz I don't know what I want sometimes. But mostly, I am a good person. No saint, that is for sure. No I am Bipolar Angel in the City of Angels.......

Sunday, May 15, 2011

God Is Love

I listen to the Christian channel when I feel totally hopeless. They talk about how God loves me no matter how much I hate myself. That Jesus wants the broken and sad and hopeless. I wish with all my heart for God to call me to do good things with my life. I pray with all my heart to get well and not be depressed anymore. I pray to get my energy back and start living my life again. Stop being anti social and angry. I pray to go out into the world and do something worthwhile with my life, and I pray for financial blessings. I am so tired of being stressed out over not having money. I want to feel happiness and do good things and feel worthwhile. Please Lord, make these awful negative thoughts leave me and bring blessings to me! Please turn my life around! I need you! Thank you Lord, In Christ's Name I pray, Amen.

Good thing to say about myself~~I believe in God and want to have a personal relationship with Jesus, my Lord and Savior

I Am Mental

I am really starting to have a nervous breakdown or something. I wake up saying that I am going to kill myself over and over. I couldn't go to church cuz I had a bad night trying to sleep. I just got up now saying to myself...let's see your year in review, sandi.....u did nothing. u achieved nothing. Still a recluse, still a loser. Can't even function anymore in society. All you do is stay alone.

While I sat here alone waiting to chat with some man on the other side of the world, he was out living his life. Traveling, going out with friends, playing music, working, visiting his family.....and now he has found someone and has forgotten me after I chatted with him for two whole fucking years! And she's a lot younger than me and I am still alone! I feel like I have wasted the past two years hoping for a dream to become reality.

I am 52 in August, and I am still without a husband or family or home. Still destitute and living on Social Security. Still sad and depressed. My life never moves forward. I feel miserable and unhappy every day of my life. I don't even know how to go about getting a job anymore. I feel bleak and of no purpose. I feel totally useless. I go buy clothes to make  myself feel better, but I never go anywhere or go out on dates, so what is the point of that?? I feel insane and crazy and I wanna scream and run out into the street and be run over by cars. I hate my life. I am a loser. I hate my life. I am a fucking loser!!!!!!!!

Ok Sandi try and say something nice about urself....I am still alive. I am not six feet under yet. I'd prefer to be cremated......

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Nico sent me an email in response to the emails I sent the other day, saying that my words hurt him. Well, what about how I feel?? I am going nuts here! I am angry all the time and irritable and depressed. I curse so much a sailor would blush. I am going to church again to try and feel better.

I have to be positive somehow. I have to say that I AM BLESSED,  and not cursed. I AM BLESSED because Jesus died for me. Shed his blood to take away my curse. I pray to feel better and be shown the way on the path of righteousness.

I was talking to this guy on cam today. He is from Italy and is a songwriter/guitarist. He said he is agnostic, and doesn't believe he has a soul. I asked him how he could be an artist and not believe he has a soul? Where does he thinks his essence comes from? He said it is just chemicals. He put me right off him when he said that. I told him how I get little messages, and I was saying something about being spiritual, and right as I typed that word, someone on tv said the same word at the same time. I told him that, and he says, oh that happens....!! Oh yeah? How many times to you? It happens to me a lot! And I get messages on certain words......angel, jerusalem, spiritual....      I tell him about synchronatic things happening to me, and he scoffs at it. I feel sorry for him. He denies his own soul!

I know I have a soul, but it is sick. I need to get well in my heart and soul, and I pray to feel joy in God. I am hoping if I keep going to this new church, I can start being part of what is going on there. Maybe make some friends there and network and get a little job so I can save up some money to move on with my life. It is time for me to move on. God knows I have been stuck for years and years. I want to get my energy back and do good things with my life......

Good thing to say about me today~~God looks after me, even though I am ungrateful and bitter and full of hatred. God loves me..........!!!!!!!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Anger Implosion

I have a lot of anger in my heart, Lord. I am angry and sad and hurt and depressed that I am alone and I have no partner in my life. I was driving around today, just to get out of this apt for awhile, and I got angry driving in all this traffic of LA. That I have to be alone and not have a love of my life to help and look after me and care about me just pisses me off to no end. I am angry at you, God. I asked you to send me a wonderful man to be my husband, and all I ever seem to attract are low life men that are users. I am better than that! I deserve better. Other people meet and fall in love and have lives together and are happy. Why do I always have to lose out? What have I done to deserve so much unhappiness? It is not right. I think of killing myself all the time. I don't want to be miserable anymore.

Good thing I can say about me? I pray to God for guidance and help and love.

Here Without You

Nico asked to chat with me and said he missed me. I wasn't that friendly to him. Just polite. I have been in physical and emotional pain since we talked yesterday. I kept taking naps all day long cuz I was depressed. I wish I knew how to get my life on track again. Starting feeling good for once. I wake up saying to myself that I am going insane....I have nightmares and feel rotten. I can't go on like this. I sent Nico and email after I watched a show on Dr Phil it is:

i was just watching dr phil on tv..... i don't know if u get him over there. he is a psychologist that has a talk show here in LA. 

this woman was on dr phil, and was really upset cuz she was in love with this guy from london that she had been chatting with on skype for 10 months. they had made plans to meet and be in love, etc....but she found out he was engaged to someone else. so she was really sad and depressed and wanted to know why he had done that to her.

so dr phil sent her and a private detective 5000 miles to london  to find him at his home. she knocked on his door and he wouldn't speak to her at first, but after his fiancee left, she went back and he let her in to talk for about 30 mins...anyway, she was crying on the show and i felt so sorry for her, cuz i feel the same as she does.

dr phil told her that yes she is in mourning, but to think she is in mourning not for the man, but for the dream she had of having a life with him. she agreed, but she was still crying. i just thought i would share that with u.

i feel just as sad as she does. i feel sick from it. i just gotta keep going to church and try and stay spiritual. dr phil said to think of it as a lesson learned. i try to do that too when things hurt me. that i am learning painful lessons to make me stronger. i love u hon, but u r a dream. if u wanted me, u would have come here for me. just know i think u r special. xx

~~~And u know what my reality is?!!! My cat Tigger knocks off a couple of my plants onto my bedroom floor, and there is mud and dirt everywhere now. While she is with my Nico and they are in love and having fun, I am miserable. It is not fair! I am sick of being unhappy! Why can't I be happy in love too????? I just don't know what kind of lessons I learn from being so hurt and miserable. I just keep going back to sleep to avoid everything. 

A nice thing to say about me today? hahaaaha I will try. I love animals. Even when they drive me crazy!