Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Princess and the Pauper

I woke up today thinking of Kate Middleton Windsor, the new princess from England. She and her new hubby Prince William is in town this weekend, and is gonna be at Sony today, which is close to me.

I just keep thinking how blessed her life is now. How wealthy and privileged she is now.  How her accident of birth was maybe pre ordained for her happiness. I hope she does good things with her popularity now, and help less fortunate than she. Follow the lead of her deceased mother in law, Diana.

 People are paying big money to be close to the royal couple. $25,000 a piece for the chance to play polo with Prince William  yesterday in Santa Barbara. $4000 a piece just to watch them play and have a nice lunch. $400 a piece just to sit on the side lines and have a box lunch.

Movies stars gushing over them. The governor of CA, Jerry Brown, and the mayor of LA, Antonio, Villigrosa, waiting at the airport tarmac Friday to greet them and welcome the couple to LA. It must be wonderful to be rich and powerful. Fans lining up everywhere to see them. No doubt, there will be more fans lining the streets around here when they arrive at Sony today. There was big crowds here when Obama went by back a couple of months ago. Very dramatic with the Secret Service, the Navy bomb squads and their dogs....helicopters to watch him whisk by in his motorcade.....I always thought I am gonna be famous one day for some reason. I am delusional again maybe...

I imagine how as I watch Katherine of England  ride by in her what I imagine is a gold festooned chariot,   past my apt bldg in she and William's  motorcade, that I am  magically transported and  exchange places with her. And I imagine  how horrified she would be to be living my life. Talk about reversal of fortune!  She now being poor and feeling unwanted and alone.  A starving animal licking it's chops and the banquet through the glass.

It would now be ME in her body,  eating the gourmet food and being waited on hand and foot, and traveling to exotic places and being married to a handsome and educated prince. And if I were her, I would help people and animals. Not because it is expected of me because of my royal duties, but because I have a heart beating inside me and hate to see suffering. Let God guide me to do HIS service.

Good luck, Katherine. God bless you and all your progeny. America wishes you well. Please be kind and think of others. Help the homeless and addicted and hopeless. Feed the poor and educate the children. Promote culture and art. Make it a priority in school children's lives. Creativity is the key to evolving another part of our brains. We only use like 10 per cent of our brains you know. Just think what a creation we are if we unlock the other 90 per cent!

 I wish I could be a working artist and do something positive with my life. I have some talent, but I feel so ill and despondent, that I feel half dead. I hardly ever see the light of day, being bipolar angel of LA...reclusive saint....ancient mariner....the lost flying dutchman....forced to live a half life. Fear grips and scatters me and sub merges me.

 I once read this comic book. Ripley's Believe It Or Not.  I will always remember about this european noble man hundreds of years ago that lived in a castle and slept 23 hours a day....just got up to eat. I sometimes feel like that guy. Trapped in a  world of my own making. A prisoner of my own home.

 Fear of old age and dying alone....I sleep a lot to avoid life. But I have dreams every night of trying to escape and traveling to exotic places and feeling loved and wanted....every night! And every night I am trying to find work in my dreams and getting laughed at. Anxiety about being poor and growing old alone is doing a big number on my  head. I am so frightened of becoming homeless. I will kill myself first. I really will. I think about it a lot.

Katherine  is a modern day Cinderella. Celebrities and important political people the world over want to know her and listen to what she has to say. She will never know a moment of fear of poverty. Or want for something to eat. She will give birth to little princes and princesses, and will be Queen of England one day.

I want to get a part time job at Sony, and somehow get on my feet financially. I can't stand being poor anymore. Going to the Catholic church down the street to get food from the pantry there. Old Trader Joe's food. Food that is going off and is rotten. Being treated like a loser by the volunteers there. Being talked down to by the women there because I need food. What kind of Christians these women are, I just don't know.

When u are poor, u are treated differently. Like u are worthless. And I have learned to stop telling people I am bi polar, because I am judged then as well. I sometimes blurt it out, just to get someone to hear my pain, but I am gonna try and not tell so many people any more. I am smart and have done things with my life before, but if I tell people I am bi  polar, I am less of a human to these so - called normal people. Just a nuisance to avoid. Human garbage.

I don't wanna be human garbage!!! I don't wanna beg for money! I don't wanna live in my beaten up and dying old car! I am so afraid......yes, there is poverty in america, ladies and gentlemen!

Any way the royals are gonna be at a veteran's hiring fair at Sony today...maybe I will go watch them drive by....the Have Nots watching the Haves live their annointed lives...

Later, well, 1:11 pm, I see a bunch of Chips motor cycle cops stopping traffic and in roaring in front of the special motorcade carrying the royals...Not a big thing like when Obama was here. Only 2 or 3 people standing out, watching them go by. 5 or 6 Range Rovers in a line.....watched them go by from  my living room window. Pretty anti-climatic.

It is strange. I think all these big thoughts, thinking I am gonna help others with this blog, but it is so stupid. I don't matter to the royals or to anyone. If i laid down in front of the motorcade, they would have just run over me and kept going, to keep the royals safe.  I am totally delusional these days.

Later pt 2~~

6 pm...Just watched the national news. How Katherine and William blew in for 3 days and charmed everyone, and now on the plane back home. So between 1 pm and now Sandi, what did you do with YOUR life? Nothing? How sad. Pathetic. Still sitting at my computer. They traveled all over the city and  are now going back to England. What did I do?? Oh, I spent another day alone. One of thousands of days that are all adding up on my body and face....And I looked in the mirror just now and saw how sagging my skin is, and how I probably will end up alone, after all. It is hard to come to that realization....I want to do good too with my life......

God bless Prince William and Katherine.....I hope they do wonderful charity work....xx

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