Been cleaning this apt for 4 days now, getting ready for yet another inspection. Another summer spent alone and lonely. It seems like it never ends. I have been self medicating for weeks now. Today, I am thinking....should I go to church tonight, or give in and commit suicide? I jumped and laughed like a lunatic when I had a big knife in my hand today, cuz I had this sudden intense impulse to stab myself in the heart or neck. That is in my mind a lot. Just doing away with myself. I hate being depressed and feeling unloved. I hate life, as usual.....I dream a lot about Nico. He is my un attainable....I am ignoring him pretty much. We say hi sometimes. I told him that he made his decision to not meet me, and to get involved with someone else, so I am just gonna stay away from him.
I go out to church or Venice Beach or wherever with my girlfriends to occupy myself sometimes. They hate living here too, so not only do I feel miserable, I get to hear all their complaints about their lives. I just wanna run screaming away from them when they start. Jump off a pier or something drastic...I listen to the Christian broadcasting channel, and all these preachers say God has a plan for me....yeah, well I would dearly love to know what that plan is! Cuz I have no clue what to do with my life anymore. I don't wanna live anymore.