Monday, July 25, 2011

Alone Again, Naturally....

I told my doc today that I can't stand my life anymore and the depression I feel constantly. He asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital to get electric shock therapy. I don't know about that. If my life would improve, I would be better I hope. But being alone and lonely all the time is too much. I have completely given up on meeting my mate. There is no such person. Only men I don't want or who don't want me. I try to talk about what pain I go through, and no one wants to know. In fact, it puts people off me. They go away and it is over.

to all the sad souls roaming the world.....this song is for us....

Goodbye My Italian Heart. I am done with u.

Well I gotta say that I find out who my real friends are when I tell them I am suffering from bipolar and can't take the depression anymore........yeah that's right. They f~ing disappear on me. I am crying my eyes out, and no one cares. They just go away and don't wanna know me. Thanks World. NO Thank  You, Los Angeles! Rudest City in  America! No one cares in this town. I am totally invisible when  I walk Venice Beach or go anywhere in this city. Only the fellow odd balls like me seek me out. The off kilter ones.........Fisher Kings.

If I felt better, I would write more about it,  but I can only do short spurts of writing these days. Just gotta say World, I am gonna be leaving u soon. It is too real for me here. Too 3 dimensional. I need to fly and not feel fear anymore. I am tired of being scared and lonely. And nothing.

So, do I do what I have been thinking of doing all these months? Make my 4 social networks aware of my blog and I become bipolar angel of LA, or I get put away somewhere? hahahahaha I am so clever that I make myself laugh. My friends have told me I should be on stage cuz what I say is so funny.....see, I am aware of my mental illness. I am not stupid. Quite the opposite. I want to help people get well from mental illness. I want them to know they are special and don't give up hope. I fight those feelings every day of my miserable life.
When I am manic or unstable I feel creative and prophetic.  I think all sorts of thoughts....

I have suicidal thoughts 24/7, I think. To Be Or Not To Be.......

I just told Nico that I can't stand this anymore. That I feel suicidal. I tell him I love him. He says that love is an important word. And that I am special to him. Oh whoopee. Big f~ing deal. Oh yeah, I forgot. He has a lover now and is engaged. Oh my bad...I back  up. Ok Nico, on that note I leave u. I am done with u. He says he can't control the heart and what it wants. Skank whore Russian bitch is what u want Nico? I hope she hurts u so much!

No one can tell me they love me. They just go away.....maybe I am a leper when I say I am sick and need help. Maybe they don't care..........Maybe I die I don't care. I love God but hate life. How do I solve this dilemma???????

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I Am Mary Magdalene today.....

Or that is what I told my friends today, walking to church.  We are the modern day women disciples that looked after Jesus. Come on Jesus, we'll feed ya! Come on Babe." That is what I really said. I almost had to crawl there cuz I have been self medicating for over a month now, every day.

Anyway, I am having some kind of esoteric dilemma these days. To Be Or Not To Be...every day.....Jesus, are u real? Jesus, do u exist? I would say to u that I am ready for u to come for me. I can't take this pain anymore. I tell my friends that I feel like I am dying.....or I say I am gonna commit suicide. I am listening to the movie, St Paul of Tarsus on TBN Christian Channel....I am very interested in how the society lived back in Jesus' time. For these disciples to happily go to their gruesome deaths because they BELIEVED JESUS IS GOD IN THE FLESH. That He came down to our level to talk about LOVE, BEAUTY, FORGIVENESS, FAITH, AND LIFE AFTER DEATH. ANOTHER REALM. ANOTHER REALITY. I do believe their is another realm. I am frightened I will miss it....Heaven, Nirvana, Elysian Fields, Never Never Land.....Alice down the rabbit hole.......

Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. Not just when someone is hurtful to u, but in ur life as well....He says not to worry.....that it will not add one more minute to ur life. Be at Peace and know God Loves His Creations....I bet Atheists wouldn't die for their believes!!! I have noticed that atheists are not as kind  or happy as Christians...they have more of a sarcastic view of the world. That is what I observed from things I have read by atheists.

Some times I can't get to church cuz of my depression. But the last 2 times I went, I feel like I have been getting messages. Hearing things I need to hear to keep me going. Cuz I really am feeling suicidal. I am not growing old, alone and poor. No thank you! Check, please!!!!!!

So do I become part of the church and pursue Jesus and try and get  well, or do I let myself die from bipolar depression???? Do an Amy Winehouse? I just feel I can die anyway. Age is creeping up on me. My depression has worn my body down....

Any way.....I find ancient history very stimulating. So I enjoy hearing stories of Jesus and his disciples, and the society he had to endure just because HE SAID HE IS GOD.  And how he appeared to 500 people after his death. How his words have endured all these Saul became Paul....he was so sure that Jesus spoke to him on the road to Damascus, he became a believer and traveled miles and miles to preach Jesus' words. And endured all the pains and tortures he had inflicted previously on Christians.....Pretty Awesome, Jesus!

Last week's sermon at my church, Core Church LA.....Jesus said not to worry....
This week's sermon.....I forget at the moment, cuz I get short term memory loss when I self medicate...oh yeah, the pastor said that Jesus loves all of us...even nobodies like me. That he wants us to share his word when I can....I try to be friendly to people in this city, but I am a recluse and all these crowds of people stress me out. They aren't very friendly, either. It is time for me to move on Lord....leave LA....

I told my friend L. this morning as I was getting ready for church that I feel like I am gonna kill myself.  When my friend was out of town, she must have called the social worker here, cuz he came banging on my door to see if I was alright. I am getting too ill. I need to get some help with my mission.

So I wait to see if I am really  special by not standing out at my church. That I hide in the back and wait for the higher ups to notice me. And wait for bipolar Steve to heal me from bipolar or sickness or insanity or delusions.......or make me Mary Magdalene......

I need to pass my torch.. We are evolving or we die. We have a choice.

If u have not noticed, all these bad people are being embarassed and brought down in the news. It is time to begin a new enlightenment with God....we are having droughts and awful heat waves that last for weeks.....hurricanes, volcanoes, tsunamis, HELLO!!!!!! Anyone listening?????? Obey God and Love Him, or let yourselves die out by your own hand. Mankind......womenkind....animal life, plant life, aquatic life....avian life ........I cry so hard to think of all of the innocent animals dying. All the children who knew no better. How Mankind is cruel and inherently evil.....why I don't know. Why we are so bad, I don't know. In our genes. Chimpanzees kill each other.....if we have their genes, it comes out .......our we from Adam and Eve......or monkeys? I debate all these thoughts in my  head.

I am a big Sci Fi fan from my teen years, and I view 2001, A Space Odyssey, by Arthur C. Clarke, sounds plausible to me....I watch shows on the History Channel, about Ancient Aliens, and how the stones at Puma Pooko in Peru? I think, had to had to have been chiseled with tools with diamond tips...not by hand, like we silly modern people believe the ancient people did. Or we have lost all the knowledge through the AGES because our evil destroys us before we can evolve?

 So, are we inventions of an Alien culture?Are we science experiments like on X Files? Were we genetically altered by God~like aliens akin to the book 2001? And have u noticed that a lot of what early science fiction writers wrote about has been coming true? We are rushing to extinction. This world is loaded with hate and evil. I am so sensitive to it. I feel it in my bones.....I don't understand why we are evil, but we have to over come that and live love and not poor starving orphans in Africa....the people in Somalia are dying......droughts.... we are killing our home. Earth. Terra. Mother Nature. Gaia........She is our home. We evolved here. She is our mother. Why do we behave like heathens and hate one another and do awful things? Wouldn't u be upset to see ur children killing each other and making u sick as well? Mother Nature is fighting back, and we as humans are near self murder.....And our we all gonna die on December 21st, 2012? All I know is what I do remember something that Jesus said today....

hell, I forgot again... short term memory loss. Anyway, I watch the christian channel and go to church to try and help me over this suicide watch of mine. It seems to help me. I need to believe God loves me. I need to know that.......I feel so alone. I need God. I need You God!!!

Our Father,  Who Art In Heaven
Hallowed {HOLY} is Your Name.
Thy Kingdom Come,
Until we meet You Lord, in the Next Life,
Thy Will Be Done
Love one another, look after each other and protect the Earth and the Environment and Animal Life. Protect Nature as a Living Being........We are all one and from this Earth. We are kin because God made us all.....we were divinely made I think, but I  have scientific questions. I am modern day Christian, I suppose. I question God and why I am here on this planet. Why do the preachers say we are all God's children and He has a plan for each and every one of us? I get so lost in the crowd when I step out into the city........City of Angels, but was rated they rudest city in america last year? I am totally invisible in this town. I am a no body and believe I have no one.....If I am God's child, wouldn't He want me to be happy in a loving relationship? Wouldn't God want me to do good things with my life? I would want to have a normal life if I was in a healthy, loving relationship. I would stabilize and I could complete God's mission. I need someone to look after me so I can dance onstage with Jesus....xx

This movie St Paul of Tarsus is very good. I enjoy ancient history and the birth of Christianity. Those disciples lived and died for Jesus. They believed with all their hearts that HE IS REAL. I feel sick in the head, Lord! I am not aging well here! I need my disciples too! I call John from Holland and his sister Monique. Now, am I delusional, or do things really happen to prove God's love for us?

All I can do is test it with myself. Can we penetrate the veil of another dimension if we evolve? We need to open our higher brains. Jesus was a HIGHER BEING.  He was intelligent and kind. He knew the laws of Moses and was God's Child, A Jew. So we have this Judeo~Christian Religion type thing gonna come down soon, according to the preacher's on all the Christian Channels. The Evangelical Christians are trying to be buddies with the Israeli Jews these days, trying to move forth the prophecy of The Jews coming home to Jeruselem...God's Country.  How they wanna finance the Jews coming home and re-building Solomon's Temple. Fulfillment of prophecy.

They want to bring Jesus to rapture them. I am not sure of the Rapture. That was something that came from some one's idea.....why can't Jesus just let us know He is REAL, AND HELP US GET OUR ACTS TOGETHER????? Why do we have to live by faith?? It is too hard! I feel so alone and lonely.

Why can't Our Father help us to be good? Why we have to govern our own selves? Why do we have to question it all? Is it The Big Bang? Is It Divine Father, and Terra Mother? Are all the Universes empty except for this planet?

I truly don't believe that, but some Christians are narrow minded. They don't believe in other societies except humanity. And why does it have to be always weird type aliens that visit us? I believe there are other dimensions that can be traveled through. I have a sci fi brain like Arthur C Clarke. He was brilliant. He invented the Communications Satellite. He was very interesting.....And Ray Bradbury shares my birthday....that would be cool to meet him on that day.....

 I saw this show on TBN with the Prime Minister of Israel  saying that he believes Iraq is gonna attack Israel once they get nukes. Once the bomb is dropped, it is all over, people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hello!! We are moving towards an Apex.....I feel it building up inside me. I feel so sensitive and suicidal....

I am a gentle person who needs love.....I want to be well, honestly. I want God to help me get well so I can follow St Paul. I want God to be REAL. I NEED to know God is real! I have to feel love from the center of the world. Ancient times said  Rome  was the Center of the World. So Paul goes to Rome. Was that God's Will? All roads are said to have led to Rome. I love my Nico. My beautiful Italian online boyfriend. He is special and sweet. But a Latin lover. They are the kind who plays with other women. I want a man I can trust. I have given up on men. I must go be Mary Magdalene. I am so sad.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I Miss Living.....

I haven't been well lately. I feel sick in the head. You know, I just view life differently..I am too emotional and negative. REALITY IS TOO HARSH FOR ME. I am just so sensitive to everything. Noise, bright lights, crowds of people, traffic.....can't deal anymore. LA has finally won over me. I have fought for a long time to survive here, but I can't stand it anymore.  I refuse to grow old alone here in  this city. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis. I hate life and humans and not knowing what I am doing anymore.
I do believe there is evil in this world, cuz I have met it through bad humans that were in my life.

So I am damaged and fearful and suspicious from that, and ill from being poor and worrying how I can keep supporting myself. And loving someone I can't have is extremely painful. Don't know if it is love anymore. More anger and hatred. Some fucking Russian bitch has my baby Nico. I hate him and her both and hope they die.

Other than that, I am a gentle person with animals, and I love flowers and beauty. Sometimes the flower withers in the desert heat. Only I thirst for beauty, peace and love.......I don't wanna be here anymore.

Positive affirmation~God loves me? Why am I always in pain and sorrow then? If I have a curse on me
God, please take it away from me!

If I hurt myself and die, is it me, Sandi doing it, or my mental illness? Do I go to hell for suicide, even though I feel sad and miserable and lonely every day?? Why  would anyone want to live if they are totally alone in this world and no one cares about them? Ã…nyone would think of suicide.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

HUD Housing Inspection again.....

Been cleaning this apt for 4 days now, getting ready for yet another inspection. Another summer spent alone and lonely. It seems like it never ends. I have been self medicating for weeks now. Today, I am thinking....should I go to church tonight, or give in and commit suicide? I jumped and laughed like a lunatic when I had a big knife in my hand today, cuz I had this sudden intense impulse to stab myself in the heart or neck.  That is in my mind a lot. Just doing away with myself. I  hate being depressed and feeling unloved. I hate life, as usual.....I dream a lot about Nico. He is my un attainable....I am ignoring him pretty much.  We say hi sometimes. I told him that he made his decision to not meet me, and to get involved with someone else, so I am just gonna stay away from him.

I go out to church or Venice Beach or wherever with my girlfriends to occupy myself sometimes. They hate living here too, so not only do I feel miserable,  I get to hear all their complaints about their lives. I just wanna run screaming away from them when  they start. Jump off a pier or something drastic...I listen to the Christian broadcasting channel, and all these preachers say God has a plan for me....yeah, well I would dearly love to know what that plan is! Cuz I have no clue what to do with my life anymore. I don't wanna live anymore.

Positive affirmation....whatever................x

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Princess and the Pauper

I woke up today thinking of Kate Middleton Windsor, the new princess from England. She and her new hubby Prince William is in town this weekend, and is gonna be at Sony today, which is close to me.

I just keep thinking how blessed her life is now. How wealthy and privileged she is now.  How her accident of birth was maybe pre ordained for her happiness. I hope she does good things with her popularity now, and help less fortunate than she. Follow the lead of her deceased mother in law, Diana.

 People are paying big money to be close to the royal couple. $25,000 a piece for the chance to play polo with Prince William  yesterday in Santa Barbara. $4000 a piece just to watch them play and have a nice lunch. $400 a piece just to sit on the side lines and have a box lunch.

Movies stars gushing over them. The governor of CA, Jerry Brown, and the mayor of LA, Antonio, Villigrosa, waiting at the airport tarmac Friday to greet them and welcome the couple to LA. It must be wonderful to be rich and powerful. Fans lining up everywhere to see them. No doubt, there will be more fans lining the streets around here when they arrive at Sony today. There was big crowds here when Obama went by back a couple of months ago. Very dramatic with the Secret Service, the Navy bomb squads and their dogs....helicopters to watch him whisk by in his motorcade.....I always thought I am gonna be famous one day for some reason. I am delusional again maybe...

I imagine how as I watch Katherine of England  ride by in her what I imagine is a gold festooned chariot,   past my apt bldg in she and William's  motorcade, that I am  magically transported and  exchange places with her. And I imagine  how horrified she would be to be living my life. Talk about reversal of fortune!  She now being poor and feeling unwanted and alone.  A starving animal licking it's chops and the banquet through the glass.

It would now be ME in her body,  eating the gourmet food and being waited on hand and foot, and traveling to exotic places and being married to a handsome and educated prince. And if I were her, I would help people and animals. Not because it is expected of me because of my royal duties, but because I have a heart beating inside me and hate to see suffering. Let God guide me to do HIS service.

Good luck, Katherine. God bless you and all your progeny. America wishes you well. Please be kind and think of others. Help the homeless and addicted and hopeless. Feed the poor and educate the children. Promote culture and art. Make it a priority in school children's lives. Creativity is the key to evolving another part of our brains. We only use like 10 per cent of our brains you know. Just think what a creation we are if we unlock the other 90 per cent!

 I wish I could be a working artist and do something positive with my life. I have some talent, but I feel so ill and despondent, that I feel half dead. I hardly ever see the light of day, being bipolar angel of LA...reclusive saint....ancient mariner....the lost flying dutchman....forced to live a half life. Fear grips and scatters me and sub merges me.

 I once read this comic book. Ripley's Believe It Or Not.  I will always remember about this european noble man hundreds of years ago that lived in a castle and slept 23 hours a day....just got up to eat. I sometimes feel like that guy. Trapped in a  world of my own making. A prisoner of my own home.

 Fear of old age and dying alone....I sleep a lot to avoid life. But I have dreams every night of trying to escape and traveling to exotic places and feeling loved and wanted....every night! And every night I am trying to find work in my dreams and getting laughed at. Anxiety about being poor and growing old alone is doing a big number on my  head. I am so frightened of becoming homeless. I will kill myself first. I really will. I think about it a lot.

Katherine  is a modern day Cinderella. Celebrities and important political people the world over want to know her and listen to what she has to say. She will never know a moment of fear of poverty. Or want for something to eat. She will give birth to little princes and princesses, and will be Queen of England one day.

I want to get a part time job at Sony, and somehow get on my feet financially. I can't stand being poor anymore. Going to the Catholic church down the street to get food from the pantry there. Old Trader Joe's food. Food that is going off and is rotten. Being treated like a loser by the volunteers there. Being talked down to by the women there because I need food. What kind of Christians these women are, I just don't know.

When u are poor, u are treated differently. Like u are worthless. And I have learned to stop telling people I am bi polar, because I am judged then as well. I sometimes blurt it out, just to get someone to hear my pain, but I am gonna try and not tell so many people any more. I am smart and have done things with my life before, but if I tell people I am bi  polar, I am less of a human to these so - called normal people. Just a nuisance to avoid. Human garbage.

I don't wanna be human garbage!!! I don't wanna beg for money! I don't wanna live in my beaten up and dying old car! I am so afraid......yes, there is poverty in america, ladies and gentlemen!

Any way the royals are gonna be at a veteran's hiring fair at Sony today...maybe I will go watch them drive by....the Have Nots watching the Haves live their annointed lives...

Later, well, 1:11 pm, I see a bunch of Chips motor cycle cops stopping traffic and in roaring in front of the special motorcade carrying the royals...Not a big thing like when Obama was here. Only 2 or 3 people standing out, watching them go by. 5 or 6 Range Rovers in a line.....watched them go by from  my living room window. Pretty anti-climatic.

It is strange. I think all these big thoughts, thinking I am gonna help others with this blog, but it is so stupid. I don't matter to the royals or to anyone. If i laid down in front of the motorcade, they would have just run over me and kept going, to keep the royals safe.  I am totally delusional these days.

Later pt 2~~

6 pm...Just watched the national news. How Katherine and William blew in for 3 days and charmed everyone, and now on the plane back home. So between 1 pm and now Sandi, what did you do with YOUR life? Nothing? How sad. Pathetic. Still sitting at my computer. They traveled all over the city and  are now going back to England. What did I do?? Oh, I spent another day alone. One of thousands of days that are all adding up on my body and face....And I looked in the mirror just now and saw how sagging my skin is, and how I probably will end up alone, after all. It is hard to come to that realization....I want to do good too with my life......

God bless Prince William and Katherine.....I hope they do wonderful charity work....xx

Saturday, July 9, 2011

I Am God's Janitor...(Robin Williams in Fisher King 1991)

You know I have not much time left. I feel like I am gonna implode soon. Not well. Too much stress. Too much sadness. Too much pain. Feel too sick. One day I am talking to God, the next, I feel suicidal and believe I don't matter.

 I walk sometimes. Not much. Just to force myself to get some exercise. Walked to the local high school on the 4th to watch the fireworks. Feel so alone in the huge crowd. I am very aware of how alone I am and how I could just lie down and die and it won't matter. Life is hard. Life is cruel. Life  runs us all down in the end. Everyone of us. Every One. We all die. We all become vanquished by death. We all disintegrate. We ignore it, but it all claims us in THE END. "I am sick with experience and am dying"....Fisher King

I keep thinking sometimes I am gonna be well known...that I am gonna fight this demon and win over it. That I can be the voice of mental illness. How it has not claimed me yet. I think I will see Steve and tell him that God wants us all to evolve and be creative.....NOT destructive. Positive affirmation.....God loves Sandi.......I have to believe that, or I go crazy....!  I know Robin can help me vanquish the Red Knight.....

damsel in distress sos sos sos

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

This Is A Test...(This is only a test)....

The Soloist just came on FX. Hello Steve,  remember getting an email from me last year? If this is real, please leave me a message. Tell Jamie N Robert D. I said hey, what's up???? LA homeless mentally ill needs a voice....xxxxx Steve Lopez, come in Steve. Earth to Steve...come in Steve.....or u Earth and me the SKY? xx

Oh I would like Carrie F. to read my blog. If this is real, it will  happen without me trying very hard. You guys come to me. I don't nuthin' bout birthin' no babies, Ms. Scahhlett ! Know where MGM is? That is all I'm gonna say....It's up to u to find me. But be gentle! It scares me and I get paranoid. If this is not real, I will talk about it later on....

Sunday, July 3, 2011

OMy Omy Omy...

Oh my God in Heaven! Others say OMG! Just like it is slang. But oh my God in Heaven is speaking to me now. I am on another esoteric high. I have been very sick with depression, and have been thinking about suicide, and I am getting my little messages again. Am I crazy? I don't really know, I think I am just very sensitive...I can't talk much now. I feel too sick...Sugar died last week, and I am still in  pain over putting her to sleep. My poor Shugie Beah! You know, I am crazy at that! Oh well, she was like my little soul mate. Only pet lovers know how much their babies mean to them. Sugar was very wise soul. Very Deep. Like Yoda on Star Wars.....No Really! hahahaha  I laugh and cry at the same time cuz it is true! Ok I feel sick so I  go for now...