Friday, May 21, 2010

Same Ole Same Ole

I don't care about keeping my blog going anymore. I seem to be always depressed with no letting up of pain, so it doesn't serve much purpose to keep it up. I only come here now when I can't stand how I am feeling and try to let it out by writing about it.

I am not moving forward with my life..I am still a recluse and have given up looking for work. I don't date and I distrust men immensely. I get asked out, but feel nothing for whoever wants to meet me. No physical attraction or interest in them at all. I feel only depression and apathy. I have absolutely no motivation to help myself in any way. I hate life and sleep a lot. I feel trapped and all alone. I hate the way I look and I feel I've lost all perspective on life. I have no style or clue on how to improve myself. I feel so ugly and old.

I wish again for the millionth time the courage to kill myself. I don't deserve to live.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Goodbye Romeo

Well, I have not been feeling too good lately.....I finished all my visits to UCLA and have no more money coming from them, and I never heard from the jobs for which I applied. I caught another cold last week, the second since Dec., and was feeling depressed all week long. Never leaving my apt.~ just always here all the time.

What makes me upset now is seeing on tv that this young beautiful actor whose dad is the guy that plays Chekov on Star Trek was found dead in this big park in Vancouver. He had moved there to start a new life, and his family was looking for him because they hadn't heard from him since Valentine's Day. He committed suicide. He had gone off his anti depressants a year ago and he had been depressed since childhood. I am very sad for him. He was handsome with big brown eyes and long wavy dark brown hair. I feel sad because I know how he felt. I wish I could have loved him and taken care of him. I know how it feels to be alone and lonely and depressed and without hope. I prayed to God to forgive him and take him into His Arms and to Heaven.

I think like this beautiful man that took his own life, and i feel sad for him and wish I could have helped him.

I'm sorry you did this to yourself, darling! I love you even though you are gone! I mourn you even though we never met one another!

I wish someone cared if I did it to myself. If I didn't have my online friends and my cats I would go completely insane from loneliness.

A kiss to you handsome stranger! You are like a beautiful Romeo to me! Your family and friends love and miss you!

I love you too! Goodbye and God bless you dear!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

More Testing At UCLA for Bipolar Research

I went for an MRI yesterday at UCLA, to map my brain. It was a bizarre experience. They had me in goggles, ear plugs and a headset. Up I went into a huge womblike machine that costs 3 million dollars. I had to press buttons as I watched images flash on the screen in front of me. I was hooked up for them to monitor my breathing and pulse as well. I felt like an astronaut. After wards, I had a bad head ache. Felt sort of sick the rest of the night. I was in that thing a hour, so all those magnetic impulses directed at me can't be good for me. I made $30 from it. I have to go back and have another MRI on the 16th. I got to see my brain though. That was cool.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Looking For Work

As bad as I feel, I still look for work sometimes. Admittedly, I have been staying away from looking for a long time. I get so anti social I don't want to be around anyone. But recently, I applied to be a model for students in the art dept at a local college and they hired me. Now I have to decide if I am going through with it. I have to be nude!! And tomorrow I am going to take a test to see if I can get temp work with the census. I studied the test with the answer key. It is so hard to concentrate with bipolar. I look at the words and don't get it. The answer key helped me to understand what the hell they were saying. Government tests are always worded weirdly anyway. So I have to go out into the world again tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Another Saturday Night Alone...

I've been sick with a cold for the past two weeks. Only went out once in that two weeks, to the store. I am a total recluse~not going out unless I have to. Depression has ruined my life. I think about taking all my Lexapro every time I take one. Take the whole bottle. I sleep a lot and feel tired constantly. Thinking of going out anywhere seems impossible for me. I just leave the tv on to keep me company.

Even that gets to be too much sometimes. I have tons of books I don't care anything about reading. And I used to really like reading. I am not interested in working, going out, going to church, going on dates, making friends.....I pretty much decided no one cares anything about me anyway, or would want to know me once they have met me. I have been ditched enough times after one or two dates to know that men don't like me. That I am strange or different. That I have nothing to offer. I hate feeling like this. I hate being alone but don't know how to change it. I am anti social and hate the world.

I think of going to Santa Monica to Third St Promenade to walk around, and then I think I have no money, or the hassle of driving there and of always everywhere I go of being alone no matter how many people are around me. I am a ghost walking among the living. They don't see me. They pass by me and through me, since I am transparent and of no essence. A wisp of smoke. An apparition drifting aimlessly along with no direction. I do no matter. I am nothing.

Or when I go to Venice Beach, I liken myself to just a grain of sand among the billions....I am of no consequence to Nature. I just am. I breathe and I think, but I don't mean anything to the Universe. Do I have any worth? Do I matter? Why was I born? To be self aware is a curse sometimes. Animals just live their lives day to day, unaware of themselves. They are not tortured by these thoughts. I have deep feelings and so I suffer. I think I am no good, and so I suffer. I know no one loves me, and so I suffer. If I went to Santa Monica pier and threw myself off the end of it. So what? Big deal! Just another loser gone from the world.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Back On Meds Again

I was at UCLA Monday for more bipolar testing, and I told Chelsea about how suicidal I was feeling over New Years. She called my therapist Jane, and Jane called me into the clinic to have a meeting with her and my psyc doc. They say the same thing~~u have to make changes in ur life and stick to the meds...I say, well, I've been on everything and none of it helps me. What about Wellbutrin, the doc says~~I say I've been on it for years and years, and it gives me vivid nightmares. Ok, you don't wanna be on Zoloft anymore because of the sexual side effects, and Cymbalta dries you out. If you are not willing to stay on the meds, how are you going to feel any better? Me: But I did try those damn drugs! I was on Zoloft for years and Cymbalta I tried for about a year, maybe less. It dries me out until it's unbearable. Doc: So maybe you have to have a trade off? Me: Why? They don't help me! I've taken them every day, and I still feel like shit. I still feel depressed and un motivated! Around in circles we went. I eventually consented to go back on Lexapro.

My doc says, "Sandra, Jane and I like you~~we don't want you to kill yourself. We want to help you." I tell him, "I like you guys too! But I can't go on feeling like this~~it's excruitating!" Hell, I forgot how to spell. Anyway, he basically lectures me again for the 40th time that I have to commit myself to changing my life~~start going out and stop isolating myself. I say, "Don't you think I say that to myself every day?? I ask myself, What the hell is wrong with you, Sandi? That you can't even get showered and walk outside your apt.? Even go to the lobby to the mailbox? " He says," Well you enjoy being miserable and then complaining about it." I say, " No I don't enjoy being miserable! I want to get well and be normal, and I'm a fucking alien!"

I told him when I was on UCLA campus the other day, I was like an alien observer, watching hordes of people scurrying this way and that. They looked miserable too. But they had some sort of purpose. I have no purpose in life. I just exist. Anyway, we spoke a long while, and it all comes down to the fact that I hate myself. He says I must work with Jane to find out why I hate myself so much. They both know how I self sabotage to drive men away. How I think I'm a big loser. I want to feel better about myself, but aging is getting me down so much. Like I have missed the boat on happiness, and it's too late. I made an effort to put some make up on and am about to leave to go back to UCLA, but instead of thinking I look nice, I see all the damned wrinkles my skin is turning out. I can't deal with losing my looks. It truly sux. That was my only armor I had, and it is crumbling away. I feel like I'm losing my identity, and since I have shitty self esteem anyway, I find that it is getting even lower still. I've been hiding myself from the world over 10 yrs now, and I just can't deal with life anymore. I don't matter. I am nothing.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

goodbye my beautiful amico

now i know i am officially crazed. i really am. i am crying over deleting this online friend of mine i made that is from italy. me in my jealously deleted him for the second time cuz i want him all to myself and when i see he likes other women, adios! goodbye. now i am sorry. how many times i have done this to men, i don't know. i call it my monthly explosion. i get pms, then go nuts, then my period, act crazy, dump men and friends....and then regret and repent at leisure. i wake up every day since new years eve, yelling , i want to die!!! pounding myself in my face~~scratching long marks down my cheeks ..... hag! omg ur are so ugly! look at u, u pathetic piece of shit! u fucking useless old bitch! crone! go get a knife and hack urself! why don't u just kill urself??! no one wants u! u loser! god, u make me sick! why don't u crawl away and die, u filth?? i say that and other tasty things to myself when i catch how awful i look in the mirror. when i see how my neck sags and how old i am appearing these days. it truly does my head in.

now i am missing my sweet friend from italy, nico. i want him and can't have him, so i delete him and hurt his feelings. last time i deleted him, he begged to come back. he is sweet, kind, interesting and loving person. so what do i do , i spit on him. i disappear~~we have been chatting for months and poof, i am gone. ~~well, i am a jealous, insecure person. because i know he can do better and with younger women. he plays with my feelings and maybe doesn't realize it so much. he says things like "i dream about u, and i want to give u a new life"...and then he goes and flirts with other women. so i say adios amico.
arrivaderci bello mio corazon

in a rational person, they would know that in reality, that meeting someone from overseas is remote, and just think of being friends only. i tried to think like that, i let myself get attached to him anyway. having an online relationship with someone is a weird thing. i dreamt of him too. i dreamt of italy and running off the be with him. ditching LA and never coming back to america. i have had numerous marriage proposals since i went online, from men in other countries, but i felt something for nico. he is a good man. i knew he was a real human. oh well, get over it sandi. u are ugly now. u know he would take one look at how u are really looking these days, and he would have dropped u. i really am homely and ugly with out makeup. i can make myself beautiful sometimes if i try , but these days with my wrinkles and sagging skin, i feel horrible about my looks.

my moods are going to be the death of me yet.

and not only do i have to torture myself with thoughts like that, i have to hate myself for what a slug i've become as well. what the hell is wrong with u? why can't u go out and support urself and get off ur ass and do something with ur life? u fucking waste of life and air! taking up precious space! u lazy piece of shit! drain on society! other people work and take care of themselves, and become something, and what do u do??? nothing! sit and never leave ur apt! living off the government~~waste of humanity! feeling sorry for urself! get off ur ass and do something u pig! etc...

i woke up this morning, feeling too ill to go to church. hating life. my neighbor denise wanted me to take her to church. she asked me a few times that "don't u feel better here {touching her heart} when u are in church?" i said yes last week, thinking it does lessen my depression some, but when she asked me yesterday, i felt nothing but anger and bitterness inside. i curse at god sometimes~~i'm a real blasphemer. curse god out good. i guess that is what crazy women do.....why don't u fukkin kill me, damn u? things like that.....

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year's Hell

I have been debating killing myself all day today. And last night as well. Going into my bedroom and hanging myself with my belt. I really think I am a coward for not doing it. Wouldn't have been cool and odd if I had declared to all my friends on my social sites that at midnight on New Years, I was killing myself? How dramatic! And almost I am finishing a piece of art with a whoosh of flair...voila! I don't see my psych doc again til the 17th. I guess it's back to the f~~ing meds again. I feel so irritable I want to murder someone. I scream and rant and have dark thoughts. I pretty much hate life and wanna die. No, really?? It's not like you haven't said it a million times, moron! He gave me a couple of sheet of paper that says mood diary on them. I am supposed to mark which box for how I feel each day. Mania~~severe, moderate, mild or STABLE/ Depression~~severe, moderate, mild or STABLE. haha stable. what a joke. Severe depression most days, lessening a little, but never moderate. My hormones have a key in it I know, so he wants me to track my moods. Suicidal after my period. I wish I would get more manic episodes.. I get brilliant then! Fucking Leonardo Di Vinci brilliant! hahah!

Thanks BRB, my one and only reader and friend. You are a nice person for reading this junk and making nice comments. I feel for what u go through too. At least someone knows what it is like to suffer from depression. My mother called today and I was asleep in one of my comatose naps I fall into to escape. She asked me if I was tired, and I said, yeah, tired of living......

I sat at my computer as midnight rang in for the New Year last night, and heard fireworks over at UCLA...another year spent alone in this apt. Just me and my cats. Watched the ball go down in Times Square, and saw couples kissing heart breaks that I have no one to call my own, but conversely, I shoot down all the men trying to meet me. What am I looking for???? I have this perverse idea of Prince Charming and the slipper~~~like I'm gonna know my mate the instant I meet him. My thinking and reality is way off, obviously. I have lived my life in dreams of what I want, and tasted dirt and pathos. I am Cinderella still in ashes and soot. Barefoot and in rags. Aging Cinderella.....The prince has ridden on, my dear..

Some guy that wants to meet me said not more than an hour ago to me on Tagged, that I wasn't getting any younger, and that I should maybe try him because maybe I was messing with my destiny. Yeah, right, in his dreams. If my skin crawls at the thought of meeting him, he is not my destiny. Now who is being deluded? If he thinks I am going with him, he is. Most men turn me off. It is rare I am attracted to one these days. All these years of letting sub humans in my life has burned me but good. Drug addicts and users. Living off me and my goodness. I despise them all now. I would love to hunt them all down and kill them slowly. Abusing me and treating me bad. Living off my money. None of them were men~real men take care of their women. I am so angry at myself for letting them slither into my life and take advantage of me. I can't get over it. I hate them and above all, I hate me for letting them in. I knew they were no good. I had fore knowledge they were trash. I could see they were no good. But my kind heart and low self esteem gave them a chance, they brought on this mess that I am now.

So, I quit dating. I am spoiled goods. I need a porter for all my mental and emotional baggage I carry with me everywhere. I am ashamed of my mental state, and don't want to show it to potential dates. I don't want to get dropped for being me. I don't want them to think I am weird. So I stay alone. I don't want the rejection. So I reject them first and get it over with. Let them think I am unobtainable. Because when they meet me, they see I am a wreck and then they don't want to know me anymore. I have this pathological need to tell them what a loser I am. So I avoid knowing them. Men don't want crazy girls, and I am mental, that is for sure. Happy Fucking New Year!