Sunday, January 3, 2010

goodbye my beautiful amico

now i know i am officially crazed. i really am. i am crying over deleting this online friend of mine i made that is from italy. me in my jealously deleted him for the second time cuz i want him all to myself and when i see he likes other women, adios! goodbye. now i am sorry. how many times i have done this to men, i don't know. i call it my monthly explosion. i get pms, then go nuts, then my period, act crazy, dump men and friends....and then regret and repent at leisure. i wake up every day since new years eve, yelling , i want to die!!! pounding myself in my face~~scratching long marks down my cheeks ..... hag! omg ur are so ugly! look at u, u pathetic piece of shit! u fucking useless old bitch! crone! go get a knife and hack urself! why don't u just kill urself??! no one wants u! u loser! god, u make me sick! why don't u crawl away and die, u filth?? i say that and other tasty things to myself when i catch how awful i look in the mirror. when i see how my neck sags and how old i am appearing these days. it truly does my head in.

now i am missing my sweet friend from italy, nico. i want him and can't have him, so i delete him and hurt his feelings. last time i deleted him, he begged to come back. he is sweet, kind, interesting and loving person. so what do i do , i spit on him. i disappear~~we have been chatting for months and poof, i am gone. ~~well, i am a jealous, insecure person. because i know he can do better and with younger women. he plays with my feelings and maybe doesn't realize it so much. he says things like "i dream about u, and i want to give u a new life"...and then he goes and flirts with other women. so i say adios amico.
arrivaderci bello mio corazon

in a rational person, they would know that in reality, that meeting someone from overseas is remote, and just think of being friends only. i tried to think like that, i let myself get attached to him anyway. having an online relationship with someone is a weird thing. i dreamt of him too. i dreamt of italy and running off the be with him. ditching LA and never coming back to america. i have had numerous marriage proposals since i went online, from men in other countries, but i felt something for nico. he is a good man. i knew he was a real human. oh well, get over it sandi. u are ugly now. u know he would take one look at how u are really looking these days, and he would have dropped u. i really am homely and ugly with out makeup. i can make myself beautiful sometimes if i try , but these days with my wrinkles and sagging skin, i feel horrible about my looks.

my moods are going to be the death of me yet.

and not only do i have to torture myself with thoughts like that, i have to hate myself for what a slug i've become as well. what the hell is wrong with u? why can't u go out and support urself and get off ur ass and do something with ur life? u fucking waste of life and air! taking up precious space! u lazy piece of shit! drain on society! other people work and take care of themselves, and become something, and what do u do??? nothing! sit and never leave ur apt! living off the government~~waste of humanity! feeling sorry for urself! get off ur ass and do something u pig! etc...

i woke up this morning, feeling too ill to go to church. hating life. my neighbor denise wanted me to take her to church. she asked me a few times that "don't u feel better here {touching her heart} when u are in church?" i said yes last week, thinking it does lessen my depression some, but when she asked me yesterday, i felt nothing but anger and bitterness inside. i curse at god sometimes~~i'm a real blasphemer. curse god out good. i guess that is what crazy women do.....why don't u fukkin kill me, damn u? things like that.....


  1. Italians are good lovers, but better liars. So what if you deleted him? At least you are in control. Always take control. You got it in you.

    I swear, the more I read about your life, the more I feel connected to you. It's so crazy how similar our lives are.

    You are beating yourself up pretty hard today. Sometimes I just spend an hour or two telling myself the most hateful, and hurtful things.
    When I do that - I feel like I am making myself stronger - because I feel like other people will say those things to me eventually, and I gotta be ready for it.

    I've been pretty pissed at God lately. I keep saying that I hate him. But, I really don't. I just hate the way I feel. I hate where I am living, and I hate my life. I blame it on him. But it's not his fault.
    I'm prob the one who chose to learn these hard lessons.

    In my next life, I am going to take it EASY!
    That's for sure.

    I was thinkin, that maybe you could meet a guy at church. A lot of churches in LA/OC have singles night, where they play games and stuff.

    I'd do that (if i wasn't gay) cuz it seems like a good place to meet good people who are local.

    And just remember - You are a SMART, Beautiful, Strong, Powerful Goddess.
    U have a large part of God in you; more than most people... remember that!

  2. awww ur sweet hon! i feel silly writing this stuff out later, but i suffer so much i have to get it out. i feel so tired and ill all the time. can barely move. i did some test that dr oz has, telling ur real age, and after i added it all up, my real age is in my 60s instead of chronologically 50. feel winded if i walk a block or up a flight of stairs. weak. sick. dying. nightmares, nausea, heart palpatations....i know if i walk and exercise, i would get stronger, but i am like a bug in amber. frozen solid.

    i am so depressed about how poor i am too. if i had money i could get my car fixed and go back to taking swing dance lessons...i can't afford to do anything at all! nothing! my creditors call me every hour all stressed out!

    and i was going to go to a church dance with friends at the agape church one night, but's like i can't make plans about anything, cuz i don't know how ill i'm gonna feel that day..