Saturday, January 23, 2010

Another Saturday Night Alone...

I've been sick with a cold for the past two weeks. Only went out once in that two weeks, to the store. I am a total recluse~not going out unless I have to. Depression has ruined my life. I think about taking all my Lexapro every time I take one. Take the whole bottle. I sleep a lot and feel tired constantly. Thinking of going out anywhere seems impossible for me. I just leave the tv on to keep me company.

Even that gets to be too much sometimes. I have tons of books I don't care anything about reading. And I used to really like reading. I am not interested in working, going out, going to church, going on dates, making friends.....I pretty much decided no one cares anything about me anyway, or would want to know me once they have met me. I have been ditched enough times after one or two dates to know that men don't like me. That I am strange or different. That I have nothing to offer. I hate feeling like this. I hate being alone but don't know how to change it. I am anti social and hate the world.

I think of going to Santa Monica to Third St Promenade to walk around, and then I think I have no money, or the hassle of driving there and of always everywhere I go of being alone no matter how many people are around me. I am a ghost walking among the living. They don't see me. They pass by me and through me, since I am transparent and of no essence. A wisp of smoke. An apparition drifting aimlessly along with no direction. I do no matter. I am nothing.

Or when I go to Venice Beach, I liken myself to just a grain of sand among the billions....I am of no consequence to Nature. I just am. I breathe and I think, but I don't mean anything to the Universe. Do I have any worth? Do I matter? Why was I born? To be self aware is a curse sometimes. Animals just live their lives day to day, unaware of themselves. They are not tortured by these thoughts. I have deep feelings and so I suffer. I think I am no good, and so I suffer. I know no one loves me, and so I suffer. If I went to Santa Monica pier and threw myself off the end of it. So what? Big deal! Just another loser gone from the world.


  1. Great minds think alike.

    I often wonder if there is any importance in my life. I feel like I am nothing most of the time.
    Maybe death will bring us an afterlife filled with happiness... maybe it will bring us nothing.
    it takes too much energy for me to think about that anymore.

    I hope u got rid of your cold.
    I drink pineapple juice when I have colds.. it helps a little.

    hope everything gets a little better.


  2. aww thanks hon. i hope u feel better too!