I have been debating killing myself all day today. And last night as well. Going into my bedroom and hanging myself with my belt. I really think I am a coward for not doing it. Wouldn't have been cool and odd if I had declared to all my friends on my social sites that at midnight on New Years, I was killing myself? How dramatic! And almost artistic..like I am finishing a piece of art with a whoosh of flair...voila! I don't see my psych doc again til the 17th. I guess it's back to the f~~ing meds again. I feel so irritable I want to murder someone. I scream and rant and have dark thoughts. I pretty much hate life and wanna die. No, really?? It's not like you haven't said it a million times, moron! He gave me a couple of sheet of paper that says mood diary on them. I am supposed to mark which box for how I feel each day. Mania~~severe, moderate, mild or STABLE/ Depression~~severe, moderate, mild or STABLE. haha stable. what a joke. Severe depression most days, lessening a little, but never moderate. My hormones have a key in it I know, so he wants me to track my moods. Suicidal after my period. I wish I would get more manic episodes.. I get brilliant then! Fucking Leonardo Di Vinci brilliant! hahah!
Thanks BRB, my one and only reader and friend. You are a nice person for reading this junk and making nice comments. I feel for what u go through too. At least someone knows what it is like to suffer from depression. My mother called today and I was asleep in one of my comatose naps I fall into to escape. She asked me if I was tired, and I said, yeah, tired of living......
I sat at my computer as midnight rang in for the New Year last night, and heard fireworks over at UCLA...another year spent alone in this apt. Just me and my cats. Watched the ball go down in Times Square, and saw couples kissing passionately...my heart breaks that I have no one to call my own, but conversely, I shoot down all the men trying to meet me. What am I looking for???? I have this perverse idea of Prince Charming and the slipper~~~like I'm gonna know my mate the instant I meet him. My thinking and reality is way off, obviously. I have lived my life in dreams of what I want, and tasted dirt and pathos. I am Cinderella still in ashes and soot. Barefoot and in rags. Aging Cinderella.....The prince has ridden on, my dear..
Some guy that wants to meet me said not more than an hour ago to me on Tagged, that I wasn't getting any younger, and that I should maybe try him because maybe I was messing with my destiny. Yeah, right, in his dreams. If my skin crawls at the thought of meeting him, he is not my destiny. Now who is being deluded? If he thinks I am going with him, he is. Most men turn me off. It is rare I am attracted to one these days. All these years of letting sub humans in my life has burned me but good. Drug addicts and users. Living off me and my goodness. I despise them all now. I would love to hunt them all down and kill them slowly. Abusing me and treating me bad. Living off my money. None of them were men~real men take care of their women. I am so angry at myself for letting them slither into my life and take advantage of me. I can't get over it. I hate them and above all, I hate me for letting them in. I knew they were no good. I had fore knowledge they were trash. I could see they were no good. But my kind heart and low self esteem gave them a chance, they brought on this mess that I am now.
So, I quit dating. I am spoiled goods. I need a porter for all my mental and emotional baggage I carry with me everywhere. I am ashamed of my mental state, and don't want to show it to potential dates. I don't want to get dropped for being me. I don't want them to think I am weird. So I stay alone. I don't want the rejection. So I reject them first and get it over with. Let them think I am unobtainable. Because when they meet me, they see I am a wreck and then they don't want to know me anymore. I have this pathological need to tell them what a loser I am. So I avoid knowing them. Men don't want crazy girls, and I am mental, that is for sure. Happy Fucking New Year!