Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year's Hell

I have been debating killing myself all day today. And last night as well. Going into my bedroom and hanging myself with my belt. I really think I am a coward for not doing it. Wouldn't have been cool and odd if I had declared to all my friends on my social sites that at midnight on New Years, I was killing myself? How dramatic! And almost I am finishing a piece of art with a whoosh of flair...voila! I don't see my psych doc again til the 17th. I guess it's back to the f~~ing meds again. I feel so irritable I want to murder someone. I scream and rant and have dark thoughts. I pretty much hate life and wanna die. No, really?? It's not like you haven't said it a million times, moron! He gave me a couple of sheet of paper that says mood diary on them. I am supposed to mark which box for how I feel each day. Mania~~severe, moderate, mild or STABLE/ Depression~~severe, moderate, mild or STABLE. haha stable. what a joke. Severe depression most days, lessening a little, but never moderate. My hormones have a key in it I know, so he wants me to track my moods. Suicidal after my period. I wish I would get more manic episodes.. I get brilliant then! Fucking Leonardo Di Vinci brilliant! hahah!

Thanks BRB, my one and only reader and friend. You are a nice person for reading this junk and making nice comments. I feel for what u go through too. At least someone knows what it is like to suffer from depression. My mother called today and I was asleep in one of my comatose naps I fall into to escape. She asked me if I was tired, and I said, yeah, tired of living......

I sat at my computer as midnight rang in for the New Year last night, and heard fireworks over at UCLA...another year spent alone in this apt. Just me and my cats. Watched the ball go down in Times Square, and saw couples kissing heart breaks that I have no one to call my own, but conversely, I shoot down all the men trying to meet me. What am I looking for???? I have this perverse idea of Prince Charming and the slipper~~~like I'm gonna know my mate the instant I meet him. My thinking and reality is way off, obviously. I have lived my life in dreams of what I want, and tasted dirt and pathos. I am Cinderella still in ashes and soot. Barefoot and in rags. Aging Cinderella.....The prince has ridden on, my dear..

Some guy that wants to meet me said not more than an hour ago to me on Tagged, that I wasn't getting any younger, and that I should maybe try him because maybe I was messing with my destiny. Yeah, right, in his dreams. If my skin crawls at the thought of meeting him, he is not my destiny. Now who is being deluded? If he thinks I am going with him, he is. Most men turn me off. It is rare I am attracted to one these days. All these years of letting sub humans in my life has burned me but good. Drug addicts and users. Living off me and my goodness. I despise them all now. I would love to hunt them all down and kill them slowly. Abusing me and treating me bad. Living off my money. None of them were men~real men take care of their women. I am so angry at myself for letting them slither into my life and take advantage of me. I can't get over it. I hate them and above all, I hate me for letting them in. I knew they were no good. I had fore knowledge they were trash. I could see they were no good. But my kind heart and low self esteem gave them a chance, they brought on this mess that I am now.

So, I quit dating. I am spoiled goods. I need a porter for all my mental and emotional baggage I carry with me everywhere. I am ashamed of my mental state, and don't want to show it to potential dates. I don't want to get dropped for being me. I don't want them to think I am weird. So I stay alone. I don't want the rejection. So I reject them first and get it over with. Let them think I am unobtainable. Because when they meet me, they see I am a wreck and then they don't want to know me anymore. I have this pathological need to tell them what a loser I am. So I avoid knowing them. Men don't want crazy girls, and I am mental, that is for sure. Happy Fucking New Year!


  1. Your words are so poetic; you are indeed a lover of art - just like me :) I just hope your death won't be poetic... When I think of my suicide, I imagine myself on a little sailboat in the Pacific Ocean... just me, the food I love, and a shot gun... I'll spend the day alone in the sun, listening to music, and enjoying my food.
    and then I will take my shot gun, get into the water, and end it all... I'll sink to the bottom of the sea... and that will be how it ends.
    I too, wish I had more manic episodes. I get out of my depression once, maybe twice per month.
    When I go thru my manic phase it lasts just a few hours, or a day at most. My episodes are not as deep and rich as some people's, but I love it none-the-less.
    The rest of the time it's just my god-damn thoughts. The stupid internal voice that never shuts up. My voice says the dumbest, most random shit ever. I use to think it was the voice of god talking to me, but now, I just think of it as my own personal devil.
    As far as dating goes-- well girlfriend, just thank Jesus that you are not a gay guy who is fat. I've let so many guys who and abuse me - that I've come to the same conclusion as you... I am done dating, done with guys... done being abused.

    I wish I had a cat or a dog... but I live with my evil grandmother. She won't let me have animals here.
    Once she passes away I am going to buy a dog. I would love a small dog.
    My mom and gran hate me so much. They say the most hateful things to me.
    I think they both hate themselves a lot, and just take it out on me.
    It really sucks not having positive people in my life.
    Oh well... nothing lasts forever.

  2. I"m sorry to hear u are so down. Let's stay in touch and be supportive of each other at least. I woke up in unbearable pain today and couldn't go to church. For sure get a pet! I would cut my throat if I didn't have something to show affection!