Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy New Decade~2010

I'm still single....Pondering if this year will be my last here on Earth. I think this way every year. To be or not to be, that is the question.....I get so low around Xmas and New Years. Another year older and still alone. I actually went out on a date the other night, and was wondering what the hell i was doing there. I feel like I don't belong of this world at all. I turn down men all the time, and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Like I want to be miserable or something. I just don't feel I got it in me to live a normal life. I don't want to date someone and get attached to him. I don't feel I have anything to offer a man. I'm not pretty enough, sexy enough, interesting enough, responsible enough, etc.. so I shoot them down before I even give them a chance. Convinced I am nothing. I lie on my couch and listen to my music and chat with online friends sometimes. They are a safe distance away... over in Italy or Spain or wherever. Local guys I tell I am not interested and that I don't date.

Medication and therapy doesn't help me at all. I go to church sometimes and that helps a little. I really don't want to live another year, to be honest. I called UCLA the other and said I was too depressed to come in. Too depressed to move. I finally went in this past Monday to do some more Psych testing, and Chelsea asked me to come into her office. She asked me if I were safe and that she was concerned about me. Oh don't worry, I say, I go through this every year. I won't do anything to myself. Yeah, that's because I'm a big wuss and a coward. I ask God to put me out of my misery, but I am still here. If everyone has something to offer the world, I would dearly love to know what I have to offer.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

UCLA Bipolar Research Thingy Today

God, I woke up with my guts in a knot from anxiety, thinking about venturing out to famous UCLA campus here in Westwood, to meet Chelsea, the girl who is conducting bipolar research. Means cash to me. Something of which I am in short supply of. I met Chelsea back in July I think, when I went there with my friend Denise. Denise is in the program, so I asked D to go with me on the bus to show me how to get there. My car wasn't running, and I had to start riding busses.

I only have a short time to be in the program, cuz they only take women up to age 50. Me being compulsively honest as ridiculous as that is, had to blurt out my life story as usual. I have this need to let everyone I meet know what a loser I am, so I of course told Chelsea I was addicted to pot at the time, and was self medicating. She's a very nice person, but told me that I had to wait 6 months to be in the program again and be clean from drugs in all that time. Once again my need to blurt out my foibles causes me to shoot myself in the foot.

So here I am, months later, still clean from pot. If I hadn't told her that, I could have stayed in the program and been getting money to be interviewed. Now I am sick from anxiety, and thinking of excuses not to go, cuz UCLA campus intimidates me. I am a full time recluse, and even though I live on a busy LA street with thousands of cars going by all the time, I am removed from it, living on the 4th floor. I can look out and see life go by~watching it happen to other humans. My Ivory Tower, I call it. My cats my only companions. My cats drive me crazy sometimes, but I think I would commit suicide if I didn't have them for some kind of affection. I get asked out on dates everyday on, but the thought of going to meet a stranger from the net puts me off, so I turn them all down. I feel I have nothing to offer a real man anyway....And of course, the holiday season always does my head in.

My therapist Jane says I CAN get out, and that I have to force myself to do it. I made myself go to church on Sunday, and everyone there is so nice, asking me where I had been, since I'd been gone from there for months as well. There is a big stained glass window over the choir and pulpit, of Jesus with his arms out stretched, and I always say hi to him and stare at him while the pastor gives his sermon. I feel so far removed from humanity that I feel like an alien from another planet when I am amongst other humans. I stare at Jesus and wonder how a sweet, self deluded carpenter from a tiny town thought himself to be God himself, and how he believed it so much, he was willing to die for it. Then I think that maybe Jesus was bi polar or schizophrenic, cuz I think I am bipolar angel from the City of Angels myself sometimes...Don't want to sound blasphemous, and I love Jesus, but that's the kind of weird thoughts that go around in my head always.

I still get messages from God sometimes, but I haven't so much since I quit smoking pot. My problem is I am so addicted to it, I can smoke non stop all day, trying to keep that level of high going. Last time I got a message was not too long ago. I was watching a show named Supernatural, and there was a scene where Sam and Dean, the brothers who fight demons, meet who they though was a demon, but who was really the angel Gabriel. Right as they find this out, this song on my playlist on my computer starts playing this song by Lamb called Gabriel...."I can fly, but I want his wings~~My angel Gabriel..." This happens to me enough that it gets my attention. My playlist is automatic and changes tunes everytime a song comes on. Jung would call it Synchonicity, and maybe to some degree it is, the mass unconcious human mind works, but these are machines that I get messages from. I try to write this stuff down to authenticate it when it happens on the radio, to prove that there was a song at such and such a day from the station. But the song Gabriel playing was my own little message I suppose, since I can't prove it played just at that moment. I have had a couple of other things happen back in the summer, but will write that down laste. Now, I have gear myself up to get to UCLA. Stuff like getting through this god awful LA traffic and finding a parking space makes me fret and get sick, just anticipating...

And I want to say hi to BRB, the guy who left me a comment on my last posting. You said you never got any encouragement growing up, and ur self esteem stinks too.. Yeah I know how that is. Sometimes I despise my mama for that. Never a hug or a kiss, or her telling me she loved me. Throwing out my art work that I put up on my walls. I try to forgive her, cuz she is self absorbed person and said she was raised without love herself, but at age 50, I am still suffering from it. I ask my therapist if I am ever going to get over it~I mean my mom is 81 yrs old, for pete's sake....Am I going to resent her to her grave?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Grey Saturday In LA

Grey today ~supposed to rain. In pain as always. Thinking about what a screw up I am. Thinking about how I'm letting my life pass me by, being a recluse. Avoiding going out. Waking up crying and wondering why I can't get my shit together. Growing old alone......I just think of different ways to kill myself every holiday season. Go outside and lie in the busy traffic~overdose on my old meds......go buy a gun and blow my head off.....I'm a life is going one loves me

My therapist says, "Well, u don't do anything to get ur self out of it. Everything that comes out of ur mouth is negative"....How can I explain to her that it is ingrained in me? She knows I have low self esteem. She knows I think I'm ugly no matter how many men say I'm pretty. All I ever see is the wrinkles and sagging skin. I call myself a hag in the mirror. I tell myself no one would want a pathetic loser like me. I hate life. Why would anyone want a negative person like me around?

I just lie on my couch with my cats, not moving. Listening to life pass me by outside. I live on a very busy LA street, and wonder how all these people get through their days......I can't move. I sleep a lot. Can't even be bothered to feed myself most of the time. Sometimes, I wake up, and I'm lying like a mummy with my arms crossed~~even in sleep this death like feeling permeates me. I dream always of going to these beautiful places.....all the lovely tranquil spots in the world I crave to be a part of. I cry and hit myself in the head when i wake up, in terrible pain that I am missing the beauty the world has to offer. I hate myself for missed opportunities and letting myself get involved with men that used and abused me. How I wasted my child bearing years on these low lifes.....How I could have had a better life, but my low self esteem kept me from choosing good men.....Never thought I was good enough or smart enough or pretty enough for a decent man to love. Every time a man likes me, I have a need to tell him what is wrong with me. I point out my beauty flaws or other things I think needs to be said. I want him to know I'm not worth loving.....

Christmas season is the worst time of year for me. Reminds me of all I don't have and never will have. No husband or family. No home. Just me and my cats.......I'm grateful for my low rent apt., but I think I will end my days here....

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Another Bummer Holiday Season Spent Alone..

I haven't been here to my blog since August, and actually found a couple of comments waiting for me. Didn't even know anyone read this crap I spill out. God knows even I can't be bothered to read it. Too depressing. I just fell so awful I thought I'd stop by and write something cuz I feel like death itself. Can't get off my couch. Just live on it with my cats. All three of us try to sleep on it together. Gets crowded.
I've stopped smoking pot again, cuz it was making me even crazier, if that's possible. So I've been clean since around June. Tried meds again, and have gone off them again. My friend Kim says I should get down on my knees and thank God for medication, but it never really helps me that much anyway. I'm miserable on it and off it. All I know is my life is totally passing me by....