Saturday, December 5, 2009

Grey Saturday In LA

Grey today ~supposed to rain. In pain as always. Thinking about what a screw up I am. Thinking about how I'm letting my life pass me by, being a recluse. Avoiding going out. Waking up crying and wondering why I can't get my shit together. Growing old alone......I just think of different ways to kill myself every holiday season. Go outside and lie in the busy traffic~overdose on my old meds......go buy a gun and blow my head off.....I'm a life is going one loves me

My therapist says, "Well, u don't do anything to get ur self out of it. Everything that comes out of ur mouth is negative"....How can I explain to her that it is ingrained in me? She knows I have low self esteem. She knows I think I'm ugly no matter how many men say I'm pretty. All I ever see is the wrinkles and sagging skin. I call myself a hag in the mirror. I tell myself no one would want a pathetic loser like me. I hate life. Why would anyone want a negative person like me around?

I just lie on my couch with my cats, not moving. Listening to life pass me by outside. I live on a very busy LA street, and wonder how all these people get through their days......I can't move. I sleep a lot. Can't even be bothered to feed myself most of the time. Sometimes, I wake up, and I'm lying like a mummy with my arms crossed~~even in sleep this death like feeling permeates me. I dream always of going to these beautiful places.....all the lovely tranquil spots in the world I crave to be a part of. I cry and hit myself in the head when i wake up, in terrible pain that I am missing the beauty the world has to offer. I hate myself for missed opportunities and letting myself get involved with men that used and abused me. How I wasted my child bearing years on these low lifes.....How I could have had a better life, but my low self esteem kept me from choosing good men.....Never thought I was good enough or smart enough or pretty enough for a decent man to love. Every time a man likes me, I have a need to tell him what is wrong with me. I point out my beauty flaws or other things I think needs to be said. I want him to know I'm not worth loving.....

Christmas season is the worst time of year for me. Reminds me of all I don't have and never will have. No husband or family. No home. Just me and my cats.......I'm grateful for my low rent apt., but I think I will end my days here....

1 comment:

  1. i have low self-esteem too. it's shit. i wish i had high-self-esteem, but i never got any encouragment from anyone when i was younger.

    i also have the most wonderful dreams. i wish i could live in my dreams.