Thursday, May 26, 2011

Try to be positive!

My therapist Jane came by to see me yesterday. She was glad about what I was saying. That I should be more positive and see myself as  others do. That I am going to church and getting out more.

And today, I wake up completely depressed. One day I feel half ok, and then next, total despair. I felt too sad and irritable this past couple of Sundays to go to church. I feel really hopeless about my life. I know I need to get out and start making money to improve my life, but I am so lethargic and have no clue how to get started. I have given up on life. All I ever do is sleep, watch tv, or be on the computer.

I am trying to stay away from talking to Nico. He is no good. I have realized. He is just a flirt. He has no substance to him. I wanted to believe he is good, but he is just another user, playing with my feelings.
He sent me a pathetic little smiley face in an email today. That was it. I emailed him back and told him that I didn't need his little crumbs of affection, and not to bother. What a waste of time he was. I told Paul a couple of yrs ago the same thing. He couldn't be bothered to call me and get to know me. He would just send a one sentence email. If they can't be bothered with showing any kind of respect to me, they can go to HELL as far as I'm concerned. I am worth more than that shit.

I am going to list what people say about me, to make myself feel better:

I am beautiful
I am sweet
I am an angel
I am good
I am funny

and I will add...
I am artistic
I love animals
I try to be a good person
I am trying to be more spiritual
I try to be kind
I love God
God loves me too
Jesus is my Savior

I pray that God puts me on the right path to happiness and love. And that I will feel energetic and do good things with my life in Christ's Name and His Path of Enlightenment.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

All My Exes..

I sometimes reflect on all the rotten men I have had relationships with, and I am amazed that I put up with all the bad behavior from these losers. Not one of them did I ever love. From the time I got to CA back around 86, I have met nothing but creeps and users. But I have to reflect that almost my whole life I have had users taking advantage of me. Me being a naive and good person, I put up with that crap. My self esteem got really low, until I thought maybe I didn't deserve anyone better. I hate all them, and their karma is going to catch up with them all. Some already has had bad karma hit them. I am psychologically damaged from their abuse, and all I can do is pray to God to take away my anger and pain.

I hate men. I don't trust any of them. That is sad, cuz I am a giving and sweet person. But when u have been abused so much, u give up. And I am angry at Nico for leading me on for two years. I am very angry at him and hate him as well.  I hope he feels unhappiness with the girl he chose. I hope she hurts him really badly. I finally thought I had met a good man that cared about me, and found out he was just playing with my feelings.

I am so lonely. I don't deserve this. I want a life and husband and love just like any other woman. A nice home and happiness. A nice yard to plant all my flowers, and where my cats can sit in the sun....

Positive affirmation: God looks after me, even though I get filled with hate and anger, jealousy, bitterness and despair. I have to let go, and let God. Let God help me through life. My hands and blessed with wealth, and my body, heart and soul and getting well and positive and happy through Christ Our Lord, Amen...

Friday, May 20, 2011

Look At Me...The Special Girl.

I rode to Venice Beach yesterday with my friend E. and her aunt. I had a nice time. It is so hard to get out these days, that when I do get out, it is like I am an invalid noticing everything and being grateful.  Feeling in the moment and aware of reality. It was a beautiful day, and I got up really early and got ready hours before I talked to E. on the phone and made plans to go Venice.

LA traffic is way harsh. Dealing with it can give you a stroke. Especially during "rush hour". More like, move a couple of feet, sit, look around, listen to talk radio, couple more feet, sigh, just a little bit annoyed when things aren't moving, and then feeling it build up to a crescendo of frustration and curses. I am really good at cursing! ahhaha

Anyway, just to say we took the bus, and it was great not to be behind the wheel. Felt like I was helping clean the air too. Cuz our local busses burn clean gas. I am surprised sometimes that we aren't all dead from the smoggy air here in LA.

 I have awful allergies now. I told my Doc that I never had allergies until after I moved here, and he told me he hears that all the time. All my friends have allergies too. I feel tired tired tired all the time. I have more than one nap a day if I am really not feeling good. So getting out and feeling the fresh spring breezes on the beach was helpful with my depression.  Sunny and not too warm. In the 70s. Famous LA weather. That is why many live here. Sometimes I wonder why I am still here. And just why I am here.

I like going to Venice Beach cuz of all the different characters and artists there. It is a quirky, slightly hippy-ish place. Roller skaters and bike riders, and pretty girls passing out business cards for the marijuana clinics they are standing in front of. The girl that slipped me mine was dressed in jean shorts, and cowboy hat , and brown boots.  Sidewalk entertainers, jugglers and acrobats. Muscle men and basketball players. Someone giving $5 massages.  I like Venice cuz I am quirkly gal and feel a sort of kinship to the artists living on the edge and hawking their wares. I smell pot smoke several times during our walk, and saw a couple of artists smoking a doobie. Smelling incense and sage burning. Checking out cheap jewerly and buying a ring and a few necklaces and a bracelet. All for $2 each. Hearing someone start up a drum circle. I commented to my friends on the fact that someone got stabbed in a drum circle not too long ago at Venice Beach. There is an undelying criminal element at the boardwalk that has brought lots of arrests in the past. Gang activity, junkies hanging out at night. Do not go to Venice Beach at night! That is life in LA though.

So, I have told myself that I should see myself how others see me. People like me and chat with me. They tell me they like how I dress myself in different shades of the same color, and seem interested in me. When I am always alone, it is hard to see myself in a positive way cuz I feel like I am not doing anything with my life. I feel like a failure and get depressed and hide in my apt.

Good thing to say about myself today~people like me! And so do animals.

flyin down that freeway.....

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ok Sandi~~You Can Do This....!

I want to get out today and am dressed to go out, but I feel sick and paranoid. I want to walk around Venice Beach and see all the artists and vendors and people walking, but I feel so overwhelmed. I get so paranoid. Today, I feel like my alien self. I have angel self and bitch mode self, and alien self.

There are big waves at the beach today too. My therapist tells me no one even notices me if I am paranoid, but I feel like I don't belong to the human race sometimes. I feel I want to hide. I have been hiding for yrs now. I need to get out for my health and well being.
My friend said she is thinking of going Venice Beach today after her doctor's apt, and wanted to know if I would meet her. I don't know. Reality is so harsh. I can't deal with life. It makes me anxious. And I feel so tired. Like I can't even be bothered to move. Lethargic. I am dying slowly here in LA. For real. I want more out of my life, but I don't have the energy to do much. I even tell men that who ask me out on a date.
I am damaged here! I am damaged gal!!!

I ask for strength to go on with life, dear God!

Thank you! Amen

Positive affirmation for today~~~
My Hands Are Blessed With Wealth!!!!

Bipolarness sux

Just wanna state that. I am in a manic phase right now. I jump up and start listening to music and dancing when I'm manic. And I write down meaningful lyrics. My messages, you know. So I pace around and dancing,only it half kills me cuz I have been a slug so many yrs.

I am a young old lady. I can still make myself look decent if I try, but the old age ills are creeping up. And I also don't care for my wrinkles. Anyway, when I am depressed I don't feel like doing anything. I cycle downward. I just vegetate. I am trying to get more active, but I really feel like I could just lie down and die from it sometimes. It zaps all my strength and energy away.

I am taking pills to lower my cholesterol and balance my thyroid, plus my allergy medications and anti depressants. Hey no wonder I feel so shitty. I forget I'm drugged up by prescriptions everyday. I had to get off Lexapro cuz it was making me fat. I have lost 10 pounds since getting off it, and I can fit into some of my old clothes again.

 I had to go buy all new  clothes, practically, when I got up to 135. I have always been small. Like nothing over 115. So I have really skinny from size 0-5, and then i had to go start buying large blouses and size 9 and 10 pants. So now I am like at size 7 or 8. I just got to get rid of my belly...

Anyway, I jumped up and took a shower and got nicely made up to force myself to walk on Venice Beach to day for my health and well being, but I am paranoid and don't feel physically well. I just want to feel normal and do things and have a life. I have quit living a long time ago and need to get myself well. I feel really mental these days. That is one big reason I go to church. To have optimistic spiritual people around me. I watch the Christian channel too. TBN. Just to hear people say that God loves me and wants me to be his loving child. I am a little bit rebelling against it sometimes cuz I don't know what I want sometimes. But mostly, I am a good person. No saint, that is for sure. No I am Bipolar Angel in the City of Angels.......

Sunday, May 15, 2011

God Is Love

I listen to the Christian channel when I feel totally hopeless. They talk about how God loves me no matter how much I hate myself. That Jesus wants the broken and sad and hopeless. I wish with all my heart for God to call me to do good things with my life. I pray with all my heart to get well and not be depressed anymore. I pray to get my energy back and start living my life again. Stop being anti social and angry. I pray to go out into the world and do something worthwhile with my life, and I pray for financial blessings. I am so tired of being stressed out over not having money. I want to feel happiness and do good things and feel worthwhile. Please Lord, make these awful negative thoughts leave me and bring blessings to me! Please turn my life around! I need you! Thank you Lord, In Christ's Name I pray, Amen.

Good thing to say about myself~~I believe in God and want to have a personal relationship with Jesus, my Lord and Savior

I Am Mental

I am really starting to have a nervous breakdown or something. I wake up saying that I am going to kill myself over and over. I couldn't go to church cuz I had a bad night trying to sleep. I just got up now saying to myself...let's see your year in review, sandi.....u did nothing. u achieved nothing. Still a recluse, still a loser. Can't even function anymore in society. All you do is stay alone.

While I sat here alone waiting to chat with some man on the other side of the world, he was out living his life. Traveling, going out with friends, playing music, working, visiting his family.....and now he has found someone and has forgotten me after I chatted with him for two whole fucking years! And she's a lot younger than me and I am still alone! I feel like I have wasted the past two years hoping for a dream to become reality.

I am 52 in August, and I am still without a husband or family or home. Still destitute and living on Social Security. Still sad and depressed. My life never moves forward. I feel miserable and unhappy every day of my life. I don't even know how to go about getting a job anymore. I feel bleak and of no purpose. I feel totally useless. I go buy clothes to make  myself feel better, but I never go anywhere or go out on dates, so what is the point of that?? I feel insane and crazy and I wanna scream and run out into the street and be run over by cars. I hate my life. I am a loser. I hate my life. I am a fucking loser!!!!!!!!

Ok Sandi try and say something nice about urself....I am still alive. I am not six feet under yet. I'd prefer to be cremated......

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Nico sent me an email in response to the emails I sent the other day, saying that my words hurt him. Well, what about how I feel?? I am going nuts here! I am angry all the time and irritable and depressed. I curse so much a sailor would blush. I am going to church again to try and feel better.

I have to be positive somehow. I have to say that I AM BLESSED,  and not cursed. I AM BLESSED because Jesus died for me. Shed his blood to take away my curse. I pray to feel better and be shown the way on the path of righteousness.

I was talking to this guy on cam today. He is from Italy and is a songwriter/guitarist. He said he is agnostic, and doesn't believe he has a soul. I asked him how he could be an artist and not believe he has a soul? Where does he thinks his essence comes from? He said it is just chemicals. He put me right off him when he said that. I told him how I get little messages, and I was saying something about being spiritual, and right as I typed that word, someone on tv said the same word at the same time. I told him that, and he says, oh that happens....!! Oh yeah? How many times to you? It happens to me a lot! And I get messages on certain words......angel, jerusalem, spiritual....      I tell him about synchronatic things happening to me, and he scoffs at it. I feel sorry for him. He denies his own soul!

I know I have a soul, but it is sick. I need to get well in my heart and soul, and I pray to feel joy in God. I am hoping if I keep going to this new church, I can start being part of what is going on there. Maybe make some friends there and network and get a little job so I can save up some money to move on with my life. It is time for me to move on. God knows I have been stuck for years and years. I want to get my energy back and do good things with my life......

Good thing to say about me today~~God looks after me, even though I am ungrateful and bitter and full of hatred. God loves me..........!!!!!!!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Anger Implosion

I have a lot of anger in my heart, Lord. I am angry and sad and hurt and depressed that I am alone and I have no partner in my life. I was driving around today, just to get out of this apt for awhile, and I got angry driving in all this traffic of LA. That I have to be alone and not have a love of my life to help and look after me and care about me just pisses me off to no end. I am angry at you, God. I asked you to send me a wonderful man to be my husband, and all I ever seem to attract are low life men that are users. I am better than that! I deserve better. Other people meet and fall in love and have lives together and are happy. Why do I always have to lose out? What have I done to deserve so much unhappiness? It is not right. I think of killing myself all the time. I don't want to be miserable anymore.

Good thing I can say about me? I pray to God for guidance and help and love.

Here Without You

Nico asked to chat with me and said he missed me. I wasn't that friendly to him. Just polite. I have been in physical and emotional pain since we talked yesterday. I kept taking naps all day long cuz I was depressed. I wish I knew how to get my life on track again. Starting feeling good for once. I wake up saying to myself that I am going insane....I have nightmares and feel rotten. I can't go on like this. I sent Nico and email after I watched a show on Dr Phil it is:

i was just watching dr phil on tv..... i don't know if u get him over there. he is a psychologist that has a talk show here in LA. 

this woman was on dr phil, and was really upset cuz she was in love with this guy from london that she had been chatting with on skype for 10 months. they had made plans to meet and be in love, etc....but she found out he was engaged to someone else. so she was really sad and depressed and wanted to know why he had done that to her.

so dr phil sent her and a private detective 5000 miles to london  to find him at his home. she knocked on his door and he wouldn't speak to her at first, but after his fiancee left, she went back and he let her in to talk for about 30 mins...anyway, she was crying on the show and i felt so sorry for her, cuz i feel the same as she does.

dr phil told her that yes she is in mourning, but to think she is in mourning not for the man, but for the dream she had of having a life with him. she agreed, but she was still crying. i just thought i would share that with u.

i feel just as sad as she does. i feel sick from it. i just gotta keep going to church and try and stay spiritual. dr phil said to think of it as a lesson learned. i try to do that too when things hurt me. that i am learning painful lessons to make me stronger. i love u hon, but u r a dream. if u wanted me, u would have come here for me. just know i think u r special. xx

~~~And u know what my reality is?!!! My cat Tigger knocks off a couple of my plants onto my bedroom floor, and there is mud and dirt everywhere now. While she is with my Nico and they are in love and having fun, I am miserable. It is not fair! I am sick of being unhappy! Why can't I be happy in love too????? I just don't know what kind of lessons I learn from being so hurt and miserable. I just keep going back to sleep to avoid everything. 

A nice thing to say about me today? hahaaaha I will try. I love animals. Even when they drive me crazy!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My Angel Companions

Just wanted to put this down before I forget. I really do get messages from another realm. My guardian angel? Sometimes, when I am reading something on the internet or doing something else, this synchronicity happens to me. I have been leaving on Christian programming in the background to listen to while I am on the net. So, I will be reading something, and as I reach a particular word, I hear the same word on TV. What are the odds of that happening? It happened one night with the word ANGEL. Then, like the next night, the word BUILDING, and then, JERUSELEM. Hmm....Angels building Jeruselem?

And one night, my cat Tigger jumped on the bed, and accidentally turned on my radio at the same time. I leave it on AM talk radio at night to the show Coast to Coast with George Noori. They talk alot about supernatural things and ufos. That night, they were talking about Jesus Christ. How the Muslims think he was a great prophet and other things about him.

The man that was being interviewed was talking about these codices found in Jordan, that the Jordanian government is trying to acquire so they can put them in a museum, instead of them being sold to a private collector. Supposedly, these codices tie in Jewish Kabbalah and Christ. These codices are supposed to pre-date St Paul's writings. It is supposed to prove Jesus or God is for real..I need to read up on it. I looked it up on Wikipedia, but never read the whole thing.

But it is odd that little things like that happen to me. Maybe because I am so sensitive to everything all the time. It comforts me. That someone is communicating with me to let me know God is alive and real. That Jesus did exist and was sent here to save the world.

It makes sense now that they found the codices, cuz of the world wide connection everyone has nowadays. With internet, billions are in touch all over the world. Maybe it is time for Jesus to let us know he is returning. The Earth is certainly having terrible weather and earthquakes and such. And humans have over populated the planet and are killing it and the animals. I think it is time for us to evolve now. We have to become spiritual to do that. We only use 10 per cent of our brains. We have potential to reach other dimensions of ourselves. There has got to be a reason we exist. If we are not spiritual and evolving, then what is the point of being alive??

Another good thing to say about myself~~I am evolving. Or trying to, anyway.

this is my favorite song about living in LA....

Roamin' In Hell

I think I am really losing it sometimes. Being alone here all the time is making me go crazy.

I have been trying to forget Nico, but he crops up into my sub concious. Whenever I am upset about someone, I have nightmares about them. I have been chatting with this guy from Rome who says he is a fireman. He seems nice. Someone to take my mind off Nico. I told him I was going to go take a nap with my cats. I have been depressed and sleeping a lot the past couple of weeks or so.

I dreamt I was in Rome, and it was a dark place, full of people walking everywhere, and I couldn't speak the language. Men would jostle me and grope at me, and I was being chased by someone who wanted to kill me. I was crying, "My husband is a police man! My husband is a police man!" Meaning Nico. Cuz he is a cop in real life. Only he lives in Poggibonsi, not Rome. And I woke up depressed and sad. Even in my dreams, negative thoughts reach me. I don't know why I torture myself like this. I feel all exhausted and never rested.

I told my dream to the guy in Rome, and he said Rome is not so bad a place to be. I told him I must have been in Roman Hell. ahhahahha Roamin' in Hell.....Sure felt hellish anyway.

I am going to try and say at least one thing positive about myself or my life each time I post, so I won't feel so dismal. Maybe it will help retrain my brain to think better things...

Ok.......I am smart. Next post, I say something else good....

Sandi, God Loves YOU! God wants you to be happy and well. God looks after you. God loves Sandi

God Loves me! God loves me! God loves me!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Let Go And Let God...

I went to church with my friend Elizabeth again yesterday and then to Coffee Bean across the street from where we live. Yesterday was Mother's Day. I haven't seen my mama in about 9 yrs now, and Elizabeth lost her mom a couple of months ago. I felt sad. I didn't even feel like sitting through the service at church.

I was telling Elizabeth as we were sitting drinking our tea and coffee that I can't even bear to see or hear anything about weddings or babies anymore. That I feel like my life is over and how I have totally wasted it on men that were no good for me. She said I have to stop thinking negative thoughts and saying negative things or it will come true. I have heard that before. That your thoughts become your reality.

So, I try to Let Go, And Let God.....Give my disappointments and pain to Him to deal with.

Here Lord, please take this 18 wheeler truck load of depression and pain from me. This load of fear and hurt and sadness. This hopelessness and despair. Confusion and heartache. This loneliness and lethargy and apathy. This regret. This isolation. Take these suicidal thoughts that hurt me and tear them up and throw them away. Take away my sadness and show me how to live.

Please send me Love and good people to support me and take care of me. Send me happiness and good thoughts. Help me to be creative and joyful and walk in Your Light. Help me to do good things with my life, and send me on the Path of Jesus and His teachings.

Take away my nightmares and tiredness. Give me health and energy. Send me a beautiful man that will love me and take care of me. Someone who I will love too. Someone I can trust. Someone that will go to church with me and do good things with me. Someone creative and artistic and sensitive and humorous. Someone that will be marry me and give me a nice home where I can have my flower garden and pets and maybe a child, if it is not too late. Someone that will take me traveling the world and seeing this beautiful Earth. Please give me peace of mind and happiness in my heart and soul, Dear God.

In Christ's Name I Pray, Amen.

I love you! xx

Thursday, May 5, 2011

whatever. sick of posting titles...

I chatted with Nico the other night. I had been avoiding him. He was really happy to see me and texted a message to my phone how he was going to bed happy. I emailed him yesterday to say that just being his friend wasn't going to work for me, and I wanted to know if he was getting married or not. He emailed me back and said he is with a 33 year old girl now, and that they don't live together, but he sleeps with her most nights. And that they are working on a stable relationship.

OMG I could beat him to a pulp. He wants to keep playing with me on the computer and have his gf? Go To Hell, Nico! All you men are nothing but liars and users. I was so depressed when I went grocery shopping just now that I was just wandering around in a haze of pain. Didn't buy much. Couldn't focus on anything. Just thinking about killing myself. I go buy a pink tshirt at Ross to make me feel better. It doesn't. Just looked at myself in the mirror and saw what an old hag I am becoming. I fucking hate life. I really do. Everyone around me is talking and going on with their lives, and all I can think about is ending mine. I see kids with their parents and think, well I am never going to have one of those...Or, I am never going to have a husband. Just be alone til I die....etc...I have pretty much decided that yes, I will kill myself. Don't know when, but I refuse to grow old alone. And I feel too ill to go look for anyone else. I am sick of men anyway. They have damaged me til there is nothing left of me.