I chatted with Nico the other night. I had been avoiding him. He was really happy to see me and texted a message to my phone how he was going to bed happy. I emailed him yesterday to say that just being his friend wasn't going to work for me, and I wanted to know if he was getting married or not. He emailed me back and said he is with a 33 year old girl now, and that they don't live together, but he sleeps with her most nights. And that they are working on a stable relationship.
OMG I could beat him to a pulp. He wants to keep playing with me on the computer and have his gf? Go To Hell, Nico! All you men are nothing but liars and users. I was so depressed when I went grocery shopping just now that I was just wandering around in a haze of pain. Didn't buy much. Couldn't focus on anything. Just thinking about killing myself. I go buy a pink tshirt at Ross to make me feel better. It doesn't. Just looked at myself in the mirror and saw what an old hag I am becoming. I fucking hate life. I really do. Everyone around me is talking and going on with their lives, and all I can think about is ending mine. I see kids with their parents and think, well I am never going to have one of those...Or, I am never going to have a husband. Just be alone til I die....etc...I have pretty much decided that yes, I will kill myself. Don't know when, but I refuse to grow old alone. And I feel too ill to go look for anyone else. I am sick of men anyway. They have damaged me til there is nothing left of me.