Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bipolarness sux

Just wanna state that. I am in a manic phase right now. I jump up and start listening to music and dancing when I'm manic. And I write down meaningful lyrics. My messages, you know. So I pace around and dancing,only it half kills me cuz I have been a slug so many yrs.

I am a young old lady. I can still make myself look decent if I try, but the old age ills are creeping up. And I also don't care for my wrinkles. Anyway, when I am depressed I don't feel like doing anything. I cycle downward. I just vegetate. I am trying to get more active, but I really feel like I could just lie down and die from it sometimes. It zaps all my strength and energy away.

I am taking pills to lower my cholesterol and balance my thyroid, plus my allergy medications and anti depressants. Hey no wonder I feel so shitty. I forget I'm drugged up by prescriptions everyday. I had to get off Lexapro cuz it was making me fat. I have lost 10 pounds since getting off it, and I can fit into some of my old clothes again.

 I had to go buy all new  clothes, practically, when I got up to 135. I have always been small. Like nothing over 115. So I have really skinny from size 0-5, and then i had to go start buying large blouses and size 9 and 10 pants. So now I am like at size 7 or 8. I just got to get rid of my belly...

Anyway, I jumped up and took a shower and got nicely made up to force myself to walk on Venice Beach to day for my health and well being, but I am paranoid and don't feel physically well. I just want to feel normal and do things and have a life. I have quit living a long time ago and need to get myself well. I feel really mental these days. That is one big reason I go to church. To have optimistic spiritual people around me. I watch the Christian channel too. TBN. Just to hear people say that God loves me and wants me to be his loving child. I am a little bit rebelling against it sometimes cuz I don't know what I want sometimes. But mostly, I am a good person. No saint, that is for sure. No I am Bipolar Angel in the City of Angels.......

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