Saturday, April 30, 2011

Shaky Days

I tried again today to go out and get groceries and had to come home. I went to Big Lots to get cat food and other stuff, and started feeling sick and shaky and feeling like I was going to fall over. Feeling irritable and sad and confused. Like an absent minded professor. So I bought that stuff and forgot about groceries and came back home with some take out chicken from El Polo Loco.

I got my mail and got a letter from my doc saying that I have hypothyroidism and she sent me another prescription take to get filled for that. I have to take pills too for high cholesterol. I looked up my condition, and the symptoms I have for sure. Kinda same as symptoms of depression. Aches, irritability, confusion, weakness, depression, oh and heavy periods, which i suffer through every month, etc.......great. I been feeling like I have been dying slowly....My depression has been really intense since Nico said he had a gf. I feel miserable every where I go. I am going to walk to that church down the street tomorrow to meet my friend Denise there. I need some spiritual help. I don't care that much for the pastor though. He starts ranting about stupid stuff sometimes...but there are people more my age there. The other church I have been going to, there are lots of old people there.

There have been big tornadoes in Alabama, my home state, killing lots of people and causing tons of damage....Mama said that where she lives in Miss., the next town over was blown away.

I saw a woman in the alley sleeping behind Big Lots, and as I drove by I said a prayer for her. Then I started feeling guilty that I didn't stop to help her, so I was going to turn around and go back and give her something to drink or eat. But I was feeling so awful I just went home instead...I thought of the story Jesus told of the Good Samaritan the whole time and felt guilty about not going back. But I really feel so sick when I am out, I end up trying to get home and back to lie down from exhaustion.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Little Blessings....

I have been seriously depressed for weeks now. I tried to get out and buy some groceries today, and couldn't do it once I was out. All I could do was get a hamburger and bring it home to eat here. I was Ross clothes store looking around, and was looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I was seeing. I suddenly decided to leave cuz what is the point of buying clothes when I have decided to commit suicide? I really feel unwell. I came home with my burger and laid down on my couch again to rot.

About 6pm, I had a knock on the door, and this lady that cleans for the tenants here came over to help me clean. I had a worker before that helped me, but I let her go in January cuz she wasn't dependable enough for me. So my place looked like a junk yard. She came in and we both did some cleaning together. My bathroom and bedroom is still a big mess, but at least the kitchen and some dusting and sweeping in the living room got done. So I gotta acknowledge the little blessings I get in life. To feel so desperate as to feel suicidal all the time. A little kindness is greatly I go back to cry some more.....

Hurt Me

I think he sent that video to hurt me cuz I was so upset and telling him off last week. That was a cruel thing to do, Nico. I told him about me thinking maybe he was rubbing salt into my wounds, and he asked to be forgiven, but I think he really did it to hurt me now that I think of it. He probably is that happy, but why did he have to send that to me?? He knows I have been crying over him....that is a mean thing to do to me, Nico. That is not right. I thought you were a good person too. What a joke. I am made a fool of by a man once again...Will I ever learn?? I wish to God I could turn off my feelings! I feel so sad and it irks me he is so happy. I want happiness too, and that has been all I have wanted my whole entire life....Do I end up killing myself to stop this pain and loneliness?? I look so old and wrinkled now. My face has changed so much. I feel like an old bitter spinster crazy cat God, please help me find happiness! Please oh please!

Crying Over Lost Love Once Again..

I felt bad cuz I went off on Nico for finding someone and getting engaged, so I emailed him and apologized. I said I just couldn't stand the thought of losing him, and that it was like losing a treasure, never to be found again. Like losing my best friend. No, it is more like losing the love of my life. I should have gotten over there some way some how to meet him. Got money somehow to fly to Italy, and now it is too late. I feel sick all over....

I sent him a video by Heart called Alone, which is about being sad that I don't have my love anymore.

He emails me back and sends me a video by Queen, called Nothing Can Stop Me Now, which is all about how he is having a great time and he is like a rocket flying, he is having such a good time...I went cold all over when I saw that. Thanks Nico. Way to rub the salt into my wounds.

I have been crying and severly depressed and feeling suicidal for over 2 weeks now since he said he found someone else, and he is happy as a lark. I hope she dumps him! I shouldn't say that, but I want him to feel pain too....I am in total pain and he is in love and having a great life...why do I end up so miserable and alone????? Why God??? Why is that??? Here I go again, crying and feeling so low.....I want to die. :(

I put a photo of me in a red dress on my profile on tagged, and have been getting friend requests non stop for the past hour or so. They all think I'm beautiful and I feel like shit and miserable. Oh God, I am going to ask you directly....please send me a wonderful, kind man that will love me and I will love too. Someone I am attracted to!!!!!!! Someone who will take care of me and keep me feeling safe and happy. Someone that will take away my money fears and give me a good home where I can have my flower garden and pets! Please Lord! I beseech Thee! In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Maybe If I put it on the internet, God will hear me.....

Thursday, April 28, 2011

On Being Delusional~

I have been formatting my blog to give myself something to do. I remember being so intense on getting my essay, "How To Be Bipolar", on the internet, because I had a mission and a calling to get it out for everyone to read.

Now I realize I was just being bipolar and delusional. I really felt like I had to get my message out and that I was doing God's work. That I was in touch with angels and was living partly in another dimension. It is sad. I haven't been able to get anyone hardly at all to read this blog.

You know, I still get little messages though, sometimes. I am not esoteric and high on pot now, but I still get little things that occur to me from time to time to let me wonder about it.

Synchronicity.....Especially when it comes to angels. It happened yesterday when I was crying and I forget what I was doing, but I was reading something and I saw the word angel, and at the same time someone on tv said angel. Strange little moments like that....

I Got The Royal Blues...

So Prince William and his fiancee Kate is getting married tomorrow. It has been on the news and all over cable for weeks. I find it ironic that I watched his mom and Prince Charles get married when I was like 20 or so, and now I am watching her son get married, and I am STILL single! Still alone and lonely...makes me so sad. I have given up on ever meeting anyone special to share my life. I wish I had never come to LA. This place is the worst for meeting anyone and having a real relationship....all my friends say it too. I am going to get old and die here alone if I stay here.

I felt really sick and ill and weak this morning. Desperate and sad. I went in to get another blood test today. I went last week and I have high cholesterol. I have to start taking pills for it. Today, I had a blood test for my thyroid. I wrote on this bipolar group's board today about how I feel like I am dying and can't go on feeling like this. I'm dying by inches....

glad to see young love prevail! 

god bless!

fun wedding! dance and be joyful!

                                                        everybody in the house of love!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Head Banging

I have been having suicidal thoughts all day. More like impulses. Cutting myself or taking my pills. I just lay on my couch and cry and moan and thrash around in pain. Hit myself in the head with my tv remote hard. It hurt a lot and now I have a big lump on my head. I just don't know what I am going to do with myself anymore. I don't care about anyone. Why can't I find happiness too? Why do I have to be so alone????

I imagine Nico and his gf laughing and traveling and being in love..getting a home together...all the things I dreamed of about me and him doing. It hurts so much. It is not fair! I wanted to be with him so much.....I lived to talk to him. He was the only thing I cared about. Now he is gone to someone else's arms. I can't stand this .....I can't stop crying.......he said he loved me..cuz we are so far he just forgets me and finds someone else after I have known him 2 years......he broke my heart in two.

I look in the mirror as I blow my nose from weeping, and I realize I am getting so old looking. No one will want me. He would not want me. He can do better. She is probably a lot younger than me. He said he was looking to start another family and I am almost 52....I just want to be happy in love and it never works for me. I must be cursed. I must have been cursed and now I am gonna be sad forever. I will kill myself before I grow old alone. I don't wanna live like that. Always struggling to take care of myself or in relationships that mean nothing to me. With men I don't love. I am sick of never finding happiness........I hate the world I hate everyone. It is not fair I have to suffer so much.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


I have noticed that a lot of my past boyfriends that have really hurt me and made me ill got karma back in a big way. One fell and is paralyzed now, another keeps going to jail and no one wants to know him anymore, another died from a heart attack from doing drugs. The one who died from a heart attack did help me in the last few years of his life, but we had a bad relationship before. Oh and one that beat me up and put me in the hospital, was sent to prison for 2 years. So they all brought it on themselves with their choices. So I have faith Nico will get his for lying to me and hurting me so bad. I have been so sick with depression all week over him. He tried to stay in touch with me, but I am too angry at him. Why would I want that? I hope she leaves him and hurts him just as bad as he has hurt me! Your Karma is coming, Nico! And I hope you learn something from it. You can't just do whatever you want and hurt people. It comes back to you. He thinks he is a good person too! And he is insulted that I tell him what a bad thing he is doing by lying to me and probably her too. I hate him. I hope he gets Karma and it hurts like HELL!

Monday, April 25, 2011


I took my neighbor Elizabeth to Easter service yesterday. It was pretty crowded. The Reverend remarked that we should have Christmas Eve service and Easter service alternate every Sunday, because that is when people show up. I have barely been to church myself in the past year. Time goes flows on and I just don't seem to be moving with it, except biologically. Time shows up on my body and face. And Lord knows I feel ancient these days. I never feel rested and am always tired. I have to go in and get my thyroid checked this week.

I just want to comment on the little children of the church getting up in front and singing a sweet song about Jesus. They were so adorable. Dressed in their Easter clothes. So innocent and cherub like. Every time I go to church and see these little darlings I get sad, knowing that at age 52, I am pretty much never going to have a kid. Just finding a good man that I can stand to be with and get married to is a dream, so having a home and family is a remote wish.

My friend Elizabeth and I were discussing our sorry state of affairs concerning men in the banquet room after the service. There is always something to snack on afterwards, and we were talking over slice of cake that said "He Is Risen." I told her that I have come to realize that my low self esteem has always kept me from meeting someone that is on my caliber of intellect, and that I chose to spend my time with men that were losers because of the choices I have made in life. Working in bars instead of going to college and educating myself. Feeling inadequate and unworthy. And seeing that normal women with good self esteem would never have anything to do with these jerks. But, me being lonely and having a tender heart, allowed them in to abuse and use me. Well, I am done with that garbage. If I have to live and die alone I am not going to do that to myself again. These men were vampires that drained me until barely anything was left of me. My cats have shown me more affection than I have ever received from them or my family for that matter.

My last boyfriend got me pregnant at age 47 or 48 and he told me he didn't care and he refused to help me. I was very anxious about getting evicted from my HUD apt if I had a kid, because it is single occupancy here and I am not supposed to have anyone staying with me. And I just didn't know what to do or where to turn. I knew that this pregnancy would probably be the last chance to have a baby, but I was in no position to care for a child. I can barely manage to take care of myself and my two cats. So, with a sad heart I went to Family Planning in Santa Monica and got abortion pills. I had to pay for it all alone because my Medicare wouldn't cover it. And like I said, my boyfriend refused to help me in any way. $450.....I had to put it on my credit card. Those pills made me extremely sick, and I had no one to look after me through the whole awful ordeal. I have a lot of guilt about it. I was talking to my therapist Jane about it the other day. She and my psychiatrist thought I made the right decision, but I have trouble forgiving myself. It haunts me. When I have bad thoughts, they replay in my head over and over and over again, like they are on a loop.

I went online earlier and Nico tried to get me to chat with him. I ignored him. These men want their cake and eat it too. He is getting married to someone else, but wants to continue chatting with me? Go to hell! I have been sick with depression for over a week now, since he decided to own up to the fact that he has a fiancee now! All this, while saying he loves me and oh i miss u baby, etc.......ugh. Men piss me off so much! He told me he was coming here to meet me. Damned liar.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Same Song Second Verse

I started reading my blog today and I am such a miserable soul. I make myself sick. Can't I find something to do with my life other than this? I can see I have a talent for writing, albeit I left lots of typos in. I actually looked up my old business class teacher today and asked her to read my blog. Why I have the need to humiliate myself, I don't know. I thought she might be interested in how I write, I suppose. Hi Ms. S. You don't have to read these new posts if you decide to visit here. Just keep going to the old posts until you see my essay on How To Be Bipolar In LA. It is so old now, it is hardly worth it though. Time has marched on and the world has moved with it. I realize now I don't have that much important to say after all. Just a lot of whining and carrying on about being sad and lonely. Who cares? So What? Everyone has their own problems. I have one reader on this silly blog!

Back when I was smoking pot and being manic, I stayed awake for 9 days straight. Pacing, thinking wild thoughts, listening to loud rock music. Screaming obscenities at myself in the mirror....just being generally coo coo ca choo......What can I say? Does it mean anything that I go through this? I am just a victim of my menopausal hormones and screwed hard wiring. I try think in my mania that I am meant for something important, because I want to mean something to the world. I want to matter to an indifferent world, and surprise! Reality hits me and I know that I really don't matter and what I say doesn't matter and who cares if I live or die? There are billions of humans in this world~~why should anyone care what I go through? I would like to feel important and worth while, but it just isn't so. I have to learn to accept this and move on somehow. Accept I may grow old alone and die alone. It is hard to do. It is so hard. I just want to lie down and die. I get so fatigued all the time, that just reading my blog wears me out. It is the depression and hopelessness I feel reading my own pain. I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I have no clue at all. No inkling whatsoever.

My therapist Jane had me answer questions the other day, so she could put down my goal plans for another year, to justify them still seeing me at the mental health clinic I go to. They have let patients go there because of budget cuts and the economy. They let my friend Kim go there. She was really upset about it. That is where I met her. In group therapy.
I tried to think of something to say, and nothing came to me. She always wants me to take art classes, but I feel so lethargic and unproductive that I have no interest. I told her all I can do is try and get out more for church. That is all I can manage. She wanted me to add something else, but I stared blankly out the window and said I just had no idea. I have no life plans or goals to strive for. I am a lump, lying on my couch. I told her once that if I didn't have to get up and eat or go to the bathroom, I would petrify and turn to stone. I have a nice bed and end up sleeping on my hard couch cuz I hate being alone, so I fall asleep with the tv on.

I think I am going to go lie down again. I feel weak. Peace out.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Good Friday 2011

I was really depressed all day. I decided to make myself go to the Good Friday service at church tonight. I have to force myself to go out places these days. I took my friend Denise with me and it was a very beautiful service. Two young women sang like angels. The reverend would put out a candle after each bible reading of the account of Jesus' death on the cross. I cried. I feel so hopeless and alone. I prayed so hard that God would take away my depression and help me to build a better life for myself. Thank you Jesus, for sacrificing yourself for our sake. There is no greater love than someone laying his life down for a friend.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Saw The Prez Today

I had to go get a mammogram today, and when I was driving back past Sony, the traffic was all backed up from cops being everywhere. Obama was on his way to Sony for a fundraiser. He's gonna run again for President. I live like a block from Sony, so I had to fight my way back to my building to park. They had blocked off the streets and stopped the buses running. Lots of people were out in the streets, waiting for him to drive by. Helicopters circled around and around. People walking across the street or riding bikes got yelled at by cops to GET OUT OF THE STREET!

LA cops are bad asses. You don't mess with them. Last year right next door there was a cop involved shooting of a robbery suspect. I heard the shots. Sounded like fire crackers going off. They blocked off our street all day and brought in tons LAPD cars and detectives. I could watch them from my window.

Lots of stuff goes on on the street outside. Marathoners go by a couple of times a year. A crazy lady stands out there and yells at the top of her lungs fairly often. She screams obscenities all day and night long. I live a few blocks from a fire station, so I get to hear sirens blaring at all hours. I also see lots of car crashes cuz I over look an intersection. I am like a princess looking out her tower window, watching the world go by.

I made myself go out to watch Obama's motorcade go by. I am such a hermit that it is rare I am out in the street. I half glimpsed him or his look- a- like in one of the dark tinted limos whizzing by. It was a big parade of cars with swat teams and secret service going by with him. An ambulance followed. It was kinda exciting. I have such a boring life, that I need something to perk me up sometimes.

There were picketers out in front of Sony as I was driving by. They had a big inflatable blimp thing with a big poster saying "How is the economy??", and other protestors. The fundraiser is 2500 dollars a plate. Obama is there right now. My neighbor said the postal worker told her they were gonna fly him in in a helicopter, but I didn't believe that. I have been to Sony's lot, and I didn't see any room over there for that. They said on the news it was gonna cost a billion dollars for his next campaign. I think they spent about that much before on him. Maybe if Jesus Christ had returned from above for a fundraiser I would pay 2500! Other wise, no one on earth is worth that kind of money, in my opinion.

The gap between the poor and the rich is getting wider with the economy. I am so poor I run out of money by the 10th every month. I have to get an advance from my next Social Security check every month to pay my bills. And I have to pay fees for that. Some bills don't get paid. I am in debt. I have tried to pay off my two credit cards, but I gave up. I just can't do it. My car is old and about to die, and I can't even go anywhere cuz I can't afford it.

Arnold Swartzenegger is gone from the governor's office, thank God. He took away we poor people's dental and vision. I have had a big hole in one of my teeth for 2 years, but I don't have the money to get it repaired. I need a crown on another tooth, but that is like 700 dollars. So I have a temporary filling in the tooth. The dentist said, "You know this is only temporary, don't you?" Yeah, but I don't have 700 dollars to fix it! I just pray one of my front teeth doesn't break or need a root canal.

And I can't afford to take my cats to the vet anymore or buy flea meds. My cats are my only companions, so they are like my babies. I already shop at places for bargains, and I just don't know what is gonna become of me. I stay up ruminating in dread of the day I become homeless and have to start eating out of a garbage can. I will kill myself first. I really don't feel like living anyway. Life sux and then you die...

I Hate My @#$%@#%% Life!

I haven't been here for almost a year now. Still being a recluse from depression. I did stop smoking pot cuz I kept getting manic on it, but I still think about going back on it cuz I feel so god awful depressed and sad all the time. I just sit and stare blankly at the wall. Can't do much of anything. I don't bother cleaning very much. Just lie on my couch and petrify.

I was chatting a lot with my italian online boyfriend Nico a lot. He was my bright spot in my dismal life. He said he was gonna try and visit me this coming June. Well, now I find out he is engaged.....yeah that's right, he was chatting me up while dating some bitch over there. Once again I lose in love. I fucking hate my life. I cried all weekend long. I told him if he loved her, then he should be faithful to her, instead of chatting up other women. I spent 2 fucking years of my life online with him.......2 years!!!!!!!!!!
I have come to despise men. They are all a bunch of liars as far as I am concerned....

i listen to this song when i am down in out in the city of angels

I have been feeling sick a lot too...tired as hell all the time. Too paranoid to go out and do much. I get anxiety being out in crowds. I have tried going to this new church down the street from me. I have gone the past 2 weekends. Easter is this next Sunday. You know no matter where I go, I feel like an alien that doesn't belong to the human race. Even in church. Depression has ruined my life. It never goes away. I have lost all interest in men. Only Nico I cared for. He is so sweet and funny. I am not fit to be anyone's girlfriend anyway. I feel shitty all the time and moody. I am going through menopause. I am gonna be 52 in August, and I am still alone in my life. I lie down 99% of the time. I feel achy and bitchy and tired. I hate the way I look and feel hopeless. I am a big loser. Fucking loser, Sandi !!!!!!!!!! I cry so hard it is like I have two waterfalls streaming down my cheeks. I think obsessively of ways to kill myself. I am a damned drag, even to myself. I have nothing to offer this world. I mean nothing. I am nothing. I just take up space. I am gonna try and get to the Easter service this weekend. Only Jesus can make me feel better. Meds don't help, that is for sure.......