Monday, April 25, 2011


I took my neighbor Elizabeth to Easter service yesterday. It was pretty crowded. The Reverend remarked that we should have Christmas Eve service and Easter service alternate every Sunday, because that is when people show up. I have barely been to church myself in the past year. Time goes flows on and I just don't seem to be moving with it, except biologically. Time shows up on my body and face. And Lord knows I feel ancient these days. I never feel rested and am always tired. I have to go in and get my thyroid checked this week.

I just want to comment on the little children of the church getting up in front and singing a sweet song about Jesus. They were so adorable. Dressed in their Easter clothes. So innocent and cherub like. Every time I go to church and see these little darlings I get sad, knowing that at age 52, I am pretty much never going to have a kid. Just finding a good man that I can stand to be with and get married to is a dream, so having a home and family is a remote wish.

My friend Elizabeth and I were discussing our sorry state of affairs concerning men in the banquet room after the service. There is always something to snack on afterwards, and we were talking over slice of cake that said "He Is Risen." I told her that I have come to realize that my low self esteem has always kept me from meeting someone that is on my caliber of intellect, and that I chose to spend my time with men that were losers because of the choices I have made in life. Working in bars instead of going to college and educating myself. Feeling inadequate and unworthy. And seeing that normal women with good self esteem would never have anything to do with these jerks. But, me being lonely and having a tender heart, allowed them in to abuse and use me. Well, I am done with that garbage. If I have to live and die alone I am not going to do that to myself again. These men were vampires that drained me until barely anything was left of me. My cats have shown me more affection than I have ever received from them or my family for that matter.

My last boyfriend got me pregnant at age 47 or 48 and he told me he didn't care and he refused to help me. I was very anxious about getting evicted from my HUD apt if I had a kid, because it is single occupancy here and I am not supposed to have anyone staying with me. And I just didn't know what to do or where to turn. I knew that this pregnancy would probably be the last chance to have a baby, but I was in no position to care for a child. I can barely manage to take care of myself and my two cats. So, with a sad heart I went to Family Planning in Santa Monica and got abortion pills. I had to pay for it all alone because my Medicare wouldn't cover it. And like I said, my boyfriend refused to help me in any way. $450.....I had to put it on my credit card. Those pills made me extremely sick, and I had no one to look after me through the whole awful ordeal. I have a lot of guilt about it. I was talking to my therapist Jane about it the other day. She and my psychiatrist thought I made the right decision, but I have trouble forgiving myself. It haunts me. When I have bad thoughts, they replay in my head over and over and over again, like they are on a loop.

I went online earlier and Nico tried to get me to chat with him. I ignored him. These men want their cake and eat it too. He is getting married to someone else, but wants to continue chatting with me? Go to hell! I have been sick with depression for over a week now, since he decided to own up to the fact that he has a fiancee now! All this, while saying he loves me and oh i miss u baby, etc.......ugh. Men piss me off so much! He told me he was coming here to meet me. Damned liar.

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