Wednesday, December 28, 2011

me on fb

i am so disappointed. i had a really long timeline, going all the way back to when i started on fb.  i changed to the new updated timeline profile, and i have lost so many of my esoteric signs that i commented on and time stamped.....i lost a lot of pages....i can't figure out how to get my original page back....oh well, i tried....i do get messages...i really do....

eccentric aunt cat lady~~

that is better adjective.......i think it is an adjective.....

major crying jag.....cried so much i felt sick and threw up. i just don't understand how to get my life moving again...i am so inert and fearful and self loathing.....i am ashamed of myself for letting it take over my life. it has. it has taken over. i have let my illness take my life over. i don't know how to get started again, and am depressed because i have to start all over again at age 52.  hormones make me miserable too...i have pms every month and heavy periods....feel sick all the time and depressed and sad. don't feel well enough to go out and pursue anything. it is a big drain on my psyche. to feel terrible about myself all the time.

and then my neurotic friends come round and unload their shit onto me....can't stand my life anymore. i need to move on with my life somehow, or let bipolar depression kill me....i go through this every christmas season. feel like my life is totally over now. too depressed to make an effort to meet men, and don't trust men anyway, so it is useless to bother with it.....lonely and sad, growing old alone. i wish i could move back to florida and live on the coast and meet nice friends .....i am so done with LA.....men are selfish pigs here.....or is it just me? they see a vunerable woman that is nice and takes advantage and i let them????? yeah good one....so i quit dating 3 years ago......i am screwed up and just want happiness...what the hell? why did i let my life get fucked up like this? what the hell is wrong with me??????

eccentric cat auntie~~

yep that is me....i realized so bluntly accompanying my friend to her family functions how redundant i have become. total joke....face is changing and getting deep wrinkles, body changing...slumping forward and depressed looking....where is the pretty gal from bama? i am her aged and dour grandma...sour old biddy....hatin' life.

if i meant something to anyone in this world, i would imagine i would be contacted and told i matter. not to kill myself....not curl up and die....i have no idea how i am gonna take care of myself anymore. i have given up. don't trust anyone. especially men. feel alien and stupid in this world. feel lost and alone and use god as a crutch to feel better. smoke weed to get things done. spiraling down into a pit of despair......can't support myself anymore. can't take care of myself anymore. i am so alone and i can't stand to be in social gatherings.....i have to drink and get high to function around here.....sad oh sad.....i miss my lost love from 6000 miles away, but at the same time, i hate him and want nothing to do with him.

iran is gonna nuke somebody anyway, and it's all gonna be on for champagne supernova in the sky......or maybe north korea....bunch of fucking psychos in this world! so ironic.....the world is so beautiful, but so violent.....we are all on the food chain....dog eat dog god eat god........i wish i knew a lover who cared about what i say.....someone that told me he cared what i thought about....someone who appreciated art and  culture and is sexy and funny and kind and intelligent......
c'est le vie as they say.....that is life......u don't always get what u want.....u get what u need.....righ, mick?  yeah baby...he is a good strutter!

if this is real, then my helpers would be here by now

i am hating life right now. i can see how delusional i have been....i am a big loser. that is why i think i have become 'spiritual'. because i can't face up to what a failure i am. i am a big zero, and can't deal with that notion, so i start getting grandiose illusions of myself changing the world somehow. the truth is, and u know it, sandi, is no one cares. that is it in a nut shell. u r alone and will always be alone. u r mental. no one wants u. u r nothing and a big loser....

i just don't know what is going to become of me....the bloom is off the rose.....i am old and unattractive now. sad and blue and depressed. i wasted my life. i want to leave this world soon.....i can't stand this reclusive depressing life anymore. it is no life. i just exist. that is all.

blue holidays

went with my friend  to dinners that her family prepared this holiday season. i forced myself to go. her family is nice for the most part. but i am so sad that i am totally alone again and too poor to get my life moving forward. i hate the holiday season. it is torture. and my so called "friends" that acted like they wanted me and then forget me can all go to hell. i hate u all....bastards....


looks like it's me and elvis this christmas

                                         
that's ok...he's pretty darned dreamy looking

Monday, December 19, 2011

and it is over...

u know i don't know why i have this urge to tell people about being bipolar. many people before me has already done it... it must be part of my illness to feel like this. that i have to share. it is strange to feel like this. to me, i am not just bipolar, but a conduit for a spiritual force. am i part shizophrenic? when i meet fellow fisher kings, i can see they are touched like me...by what? insanity? or are they seeing the other side like me??? i live with two feet in different worlds....i told my psych doc i live on another dimension, and he agreed....maybe i should have been a scientist and studied the brain....i have delusions of grandeur too, being bipolar. i know i am intelligent, but never knew what to do with it. never had any self esteem. never had any direction in my life...i just drifted along like a leave on a forest stream...i get up and dance to rock music...i am still moving at my age of 52, but i am slowed down alot. i can't move like i used to.....that is sad for a dancer. when i danced onstage, i barely  touched to floor....i have always been light on my feet....oh how i would love to have a beautiful sexy husband take me dancing! a lovely, interesting, happy and handsome man that loved me and looked after me! i cry for lost love and lost happiness.....


so i find all these videos on you tube that put into art how i feel being bipolar. so what i say isn't news. how i suffer isn't news. so i quit going on about it. there are others out there worse off than me. 


i will just continue being esoteric and writing down when i get my messages from the universe, and maybe someone will take note one date to listen to me...i don't even care anymore. i am sick and tired. and worn out like an old dish rag.  i told my friend last night that i am like the old bent lady that lived in a shoe..can't pay the rent and don't know what to do....got no children but plenty of cats......old bent lady that lives in a shoe.....

I am here God, where are YOU??????

I just wanna state how much I hate humanity. I know, there are good people out there. I know, I am in a mood, but I just wanna put down my thoughts. Just to let someone know how much I am tortured by them.
But yeah, I hate humanity. I am depressed and sad and lonely. I can't stand thinking about how happy other people are, and how they get through their lives with a song on their lips. For the most part, anyway. There must be happy people out there somewhere.....I have never known happiness my whole life. Kinda absurd to keep hoping and praying for it. Just give up, Sandi and let it kill you. Life is brutal and then u die.

I just wanna state how much I hate my so - called friends too. They say they care, and then act cold to me. Go to hell,  all of u!!!!! These are my internet friends. I have never actually met them, but since I am online all the time, these voices from somewhere out there on the web chat with me. I know they are real people in other countries, but when i am just chatting by  typing each other, it is to me  like the computer is talking to me...hard to describe. I have a vivid imagination, and I have strange dreams and thoughts anyway, so it is not hard to imagine these voices are just figments of my imagination.

 See, I slip into delusions sometimes. Though when I am in them, I am aware of it. I watch myself and study what I am saying. I wonder if Freud ever watched himself silently like that? There are so many levels to conciousnesses and dimensions. I can't spell anymore, apparently, so I wish I had a spell check on this blog. Writing on my blog helps get some of this negative energy out of my head.  I stay online too much and look a wizened old biddy, bent over painfully at my desk, typing away....hahahha

I subscribed to Carrie Fisher's Facebook page, and make comments on her time line, wondering if she will actually read what  I have to say. I predict she will find me one day, cuz I am interesting and she needs to chat about her disease like I do. Or needs a non judgemental friend to emphathize about being bi polar. Am I being delusional thinking this? Will talking about God get me anywhere with this?

See, I know I have bipolar and deslusions, but I am sane and observant of my condition. I want to help others with mental illness. There is a stigma to admitting being mentally ill, and I have lost friends before when I say I suffer depression and talk about what I go through. So, I stay to myself and try not to stand out in a crowd. I am paranoid and ultra aware of myself and how foolish I look. I don't want people to look at me and judge me. I am ashamed of my illness. I am embarassed by it. No one seems to care that I have told, anyway. They think there must be something wrong with me and my character instead of trying to understand me. So I am a recluse and sad and crying and alone.......merry fucking whatever.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    i hate everyone on this planet. i hate u ...doesn't matter. there are so much evil and putrid deeds out there, i think everyone else hates humanity too.....life is a fucking bore!!!!

The clincal nerdy part of me with the horn rimmed glasses and clipboard studies my out bursts and crying fits and checks off....makes a note, says hmmmm, and silently agrees. life really is a bore. nerdly sandi turns on her heel, white coat flapping behind her...click click click....down the asylum hallway....nerdly sandi wears sensible but sexy heels.... :)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

And A Brutal Christmas to u too!!

Yet another year alone. No home, no family, no husband....can't say no home. I have a nice one bedroom apt with cheap rent....just meant house...family....me and mine....me as mom...loving husband....is that just a dream to me?????? I am cat mom now. Eccentric aunt who never married or had kids...scares the hell out of me....seeing the years yawning towards me like a never ending hallway in horror movies....me myself and i alone traveling it...sick in my head at the thought. Mental disease....sick oh sick oh sick....i maintain though. I try and keep my thoughts to myself. Just let it out here on my blog.

Last year on my profile on Tagged, I asked friends not to send me Christmas comments, because it hurt too much. Reminded me of what I didn't have. Same ole same ole now.....Same as always, it seems. Never ending pain.....Still thinking the same thing now as then. Hoping for a life beyond what I have now. Being loved. Getting stronger.....feeling better and know happiness....Still yearning for it like every other year. Knowing now that I will never have a child. My body is changing and I go through crazy hormones from hell.....I have let my biological clock run out....

Now the person I really cared about has a live in girlfriend. He made sure to tell me twice that she is 33....yeah I fucking heard u the first time! So what!? I know u miss me anyway. U and I have things in common. We are both creative and sensitive. Both artists. U can't deny ur soul mates!!!!

I have been very low....I just stay high to numb myself to it....drink wine and get messed up....eccentric aunt with cats.....I try and focus on Jesus and that to stay positive. It is Christmas, and I have forced myself to go to family parties with my friend L. It's her family. Not mine. I haven't seen mine in years. I am afraid my mama is gonna pass on without me ever seeing her again...

I try to think of Jesus and have been looking up Christmas songs to put on my Facebook page. Watching them and feeling how much I love God and how this year is ending and I am hoping for a better one in 2012. Then, I get scared cuz everyone says the world is ending on Dec 21, 2012.....Champagne Supernova in the SKY>>>>>>>>>>>>

I try to leave hints for everyone to get my messages that I pass on from the Universe. I try and think of good things at Christmas.....it is so sad...all the bad things in this world that happens.....terrible things...every year, Christmas is a HOPE FOR US ALL.....a renewal...a new beginning.....

I go and cut up potatoes and onions to cook, and think of stabbing myself in the neck and ending it all. I stare at the blade flashing in my hands.....water pouring over it, as I wash the knife to put away.....I have bad thoughts so much.....they are like torture to me......and nightmares when I sleep.....I never feel peace.......I want to be happy like everyone else......

God looks after me when I am sick and when I am high.....I smoke to feel better, and feel seperated from my bodily pain enough to just be taken along for the ride..... in other words, my body moves, and I, being trapped inside here in this body, has to follow along.......I move around and cook and clean with I am smoking cannibis......so God takes over when I am high...he looks after me....if I don't smoke, I just rot on my couch.....rot rot rot....I want to make a difference in this world......it is getting too late for me.....I am aging and see it everyday now.....i need help now, Lord! Send my helpers to me and get me out of this place....I am ready to move on.......

NOEL NOEL>>>>>>>>>>>   Christ is born~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Curling inward~~

It is hard for me to write much these days. I self medicate all the time. I am pretty much horrified at my life and how I am growing old alone, that I have gone off the deep end.....can't seem to drag myself out of it. I try, but it never seems to get me very far.   I have given up trying to decide if I am special or not. That I have a message to send out, and that I have tapped into other voices from other worlds.....or more precisely, dimensions.....not sure....just know there is a spiritual realm there to tap into, if we all focus our minds and hearts on saving this world, and banishing hate.....

Anyway, I try and get out sometimes, but I have to make myself do it....I can only say that God gets me ready and presentable to meet humans.....I am a shrinking violet that must get blotto to function in reality. And since I self medicate, I become esoteric and get my messages from God and try and date and time stamp them to prove it really happened to me.....I try to tell the world that what I say is important, but get disappointed when I get no notice.....so, I curl inward and battle through life alone......I do try to get out sometimes, but it is so hard. It is much easier to give into this inertia and curl inward into a tight little ball and die.....I think I am letting bipolar depression kill me. I think it is time....I think I can't take this anymore.

Deny me three times, Peter? ~~J, my hollish friend, u know u can fight it, but u will come back to me. I will just ignore til then.

And I watch these timely documentaries, about how cannibis can stop pain and is useful to cancer patients. I know I need it to function, but I have a problem self medicating too much. If it were in a pill form, maybe I could control it by dosage. I wake up in the morning, all bent over and in pain, and feel sick and depressed. When I smoke, I start moving around and doing stuff. Cleaning my place, organizing...creative things.....so cannibis makes me feel better too. I can function and get things done, and be numb at the same time. REALITY is way too harsh for me....CHECK PLEASE!
And I have this spiritual dimensional quality to cannibis, as well as mood lifting and pain killing .....
I just with God would send my important friends to me and let them help me!!!!!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Paranoid and delusional in an un kind world....

If this is real, then God will send someone to help me....I am dying slowly from bi polar disorder and depression.  I  want to help people with mental illness, so I write on my blog to tell the world how people with bipolar disorder live on another plane of existence......the real world is too frightening and huge and crowded and confusing.....too noisy....i retreat with medical marijuana. It activates something in my brain...I almost immediately get up and moving, and cleaning my place. I have many knick knacks, and i am bad allergies, so all this stuff  accumulates dust that is really thick. I live on a very busy street, and get lots of dust and soot coming in my window....so I get up and cleaned for 2 days and still and straightening and cleaning....so it takes lots of mental work vs. my high allergies.....I have allergies, but I smoke pot. I get very esoteric and high, and see lots of messages in the cachophony of life.....I view the internet as a message port to the world, and I enjoy being creative on it.....no one listens yet, so I date and time stamp stuff.....trying to write this myself is very hard....i need an assistant or new computer with speech recognition software....I have a big brain and must learn much to become  plugged in! I need access to higher technology to speak about creativity......yeah I like being a writer and artist, but my body is way behind my racing brain.....I am aging fast the past few years and my looks are changing into old lady hood.....so goodbye beautiful looks, and hello being spiritual or go insane.....luckily,  i have a med marijuan card.....but this time i am gonna try and stay off it....but it does get me functioning....I can deal with life better with pot.....side effects, i get PaRaNoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddd in a big way....and yesterday, my kitten Elvis stressed me out....he is very curious and is always right where I am,  like a little one year old child
!!!!! He has to watch every thing, and I turn my back for one second, and he immediately jumps up on the stove with boiling water......sitting right next to it! I pick him up and he is warm from sitting so close!!!!!
yesterday, I was cleaning non stop, and stopped to heat up some pasta....elvis my kitten is walking all over the counter tops as usual....I am trying to get him to listen to me...I say get down! and point to the floor...he knows what i am doing, but he likes to eat and is very naughty kitty.....so he crawls into my micro wave right as i am about to nuke my pasta.....ahhhhhhh I had all theses horrible thoughts from all these horror movies i watch.....or hear from urban legends.....or that it really DOES happen in real life......and I was very high and fumbling around....but that tripped me out....I felt myself falling into another reality....I felt like I had crossed over to another side....I get delusional I don't know....
So, I dragged my kitten Elvis out of the microwave and drop him to the floor, and he disappears out the door....and i put my pasta back into the micro wave...but when i went to start the oven..i was thinking...is this real??? or am i dreaming???? cause being high as chronically as i get.....i live in my own head....
i am on auto matic pilot and get stuff  down in this reality......the brutal 3 dimensional world.....money rules the world here.....people are cruel and sadistic here....poverty is dragging me under the water.....feel like I am drowning in the dark waters.....and want to drown.....and dream every night of running away and living by peaceful seas or serene waters.....baptismal.....
Sometimes I drop hints to dichiper...but I am tired and dying and shriveling into old lady eccentric aunt cat lady tomb.....I forget how to spell, obviouosly....but pot brings me esoteric psychosis..say what u will, but I would  rather be esoteric and artistic and living in other realities, than to date brutal reality on a daily basis.....everyone has to  do it, and it is a cruel harsh world....dog eat dog god eat god.....
The winds here howled all around my building last night....howled and whistled tunes like a human, and clicked and sounded like humans talking....spooky and scary.....i stayed out my  bedroom cause that was where it was most noisy........so being esoteric and living in two realities, i see signs or hear cues from the tv or music....it just jumps right out at me, cause i am so sensitive.....winds of change......the moon just moved into Aguarius....Age of Aquarius.....I am just saying....I wish someone would care about what I think.....I am intelligent but dying....oh I hear whistling outside again...627 pac st time....supposed to be windy again tonight.....