Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Curling inward~~

It is hard for me to write much these days. I self medicate all the time. I am pretty much horrified at my life and how I am growing old alone, that I have gone off the deep end.....can't seem to drag myself out of it. I try, but it never seems to get me very far.   I have given up trying to decide if I am special or not. That I have a message to send out, and that I have tapped into other voices from other worlds.....or more precisely, dimensions.....not sure....just know there is a spiritual realm there to tap into, if we all focus our minds and hearts on saving this world, and banishing hate.....

Anyway, I try and get out sometimes, but I have to make myself do it....I can only say that God gets me ready and presentable to meet humans.....I am a shrinking violet that must get blotto to function in reality. And since I self medicate, I become esoteric and get my messages from God and try and date and time stamp them to prove it really happened to me.....I try to tell the world that what I say is important, but get disappointed when I get no, I curl inward and battle through life alone......I do try to get out sometimes, but it is so hard. It is much easier to give into this inertia and curl inward into a tight little ball and die.....I think I am letting bipolar depression kill me. I think it is time....I think I can't take this anymore.

Deny me three times, Peter? ~~J, my hollish friend, u know u can fight it, but u will come back to me. I will just ignore til then.

And I watch these timely documentaries, about how cannibis can stop pain and is useful to cancer patients. I know I need it to function, but I have a problem self medicating too much. If it were in a pill form, maybe I could control it by dosage. I wake up in the morning, all bent over and in pain, and feel sick and depressed. When I smoke, I start moving around and doing stuff. Cleaning my place, organizing...creative cannibis makes me feel better too. I can function and get things done, and be numb at the same time. REALITY is way too harsh for me....CHECK PLEASE!
And I have this spiritual dimensional quality to cannibis, as well as mood lifting and pain killing .....
I just with God would send my important friends to me and let them help me!!!!!!

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