Thursday, December 1, 2011

Paranoid and delusional in an un kind world....

If this is real, then God will send someone to help me....I am dying slowly from bi polar disorder and depression.  I  want to help people with mental illness, so I write on my blog to tell the world how people with bipolar disorder live on another plane of existence......the real world is too frightening and huge and crowded and confusing.....too noisy....i retreat with medical marijuana. It activates something in my brain...I almost immediately get up and moving, and cleaning my place. I have many knick knacks, and i am bad allergies, so all this stuff  accumulates dust that is really thick. I live on a very busy street, and get lots of dust and soot coming in my window....so I get up and cleaned for 2 days and still and straightening and cleaning....so it takes lots of mental work vs. my high allergies.....I have allergies, but I smoke pot. I get very esoteric and high, and see lots of messages in the cachophony of life.....I view the internet as a message port to the world, and I enjoy being creative on it.....no one listens yet, so I date and time stamp stuff.....trying to write this myself is very hard....i need an assistant or new computer with speech recognition software....I have a big brain and must learn much to become  plugged in! I need access to higher technology to speak about creativity......yeah I like being a writer and artist, but my body is way behind my racing brain.....I am aging fast the past few years and my looks are changing into old lady hood.....so goodbye beautiful looks, and hello being spiritual or go insane.....luckily,  i have a med marijuan card.....but this time i am gonna try and stay off it....but it does get me functioning....I can deal with life better with pot.....side effects, i get PaRaNoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddd in a big way....and yesterday, my kitten Elvis stressed me out....he is very curious and is always right where I am,  like a little one year old child
!!!!! He has to watch every thing, and I turn my back for one second, and he immediately jumps up on the stove with boiling water......sitting right next to it! I pick him up and he is warm from sitting so close!!!!!
yesterday, I was cleaning non stop, and stopped to heat up some pasta....elvis my kitten is walking all over the counter tops as usual....I am trying to get him to listen to me...I say get down! and point to the floor...he knows what i am doing, but he likes to eat and is very naughty kitty.....so he crawls into my micro wave right as i am about to nuke my pasta.....ahhhhhhh I had all theses horrible thoughts from all these horror movies i watch.....or hear from urban legends.....or that it really DOES happen in real life......and I was very high and fumbling around....but that tripped me out....I felt myself falling into another reality....I felt like I had crossed over to another side....I get delusional I don't know....
So, I dragged my kitten Elvis out of the microwave and drop him to the floor, and he disappears out the door....and i put my pasta back into the micro wave...but when i went to start the oven..i was thinking...is this real??? or am i dreaming???? cause being high as chronically as i get.....i live in my own head....
i am on auto matic pilot and get stuff  down in this reality......the brutal 3 dimensional world.....money rules the world here.....people are cruel and sadistic here....poverty is dragging me under the water.....feel like I am drowning in the dark waters.....and want to drown.....and dream every night of running away and living by peaceful seas or serene waters.....baptismal.....
Sometimes I drop hints to dichiper...but I am tired and dying and shriveling into old lady eccentric aunt cat lady tomb.....I forget how to spell, obviouosly....but pot brings me esoteric psychosis..say what u will, but I would  rather be esoteric and artistic and living in other realities, than to date brutal reality on a daily basis.....everyone has to  do it, and it is a cruel harsh world....dog eat dog god eat god.....
The winds here howled all around my building last night....howled and whistled tunes like a human, and clicked and sounded like humans talking....spooky and scary.....i stayed out my  bedroom cause that was where it was most noisy........so being esoteric and living in two realities, i see signs or hear cues from the tv or music....it just jumps right out at me, cause i am so sensitive.....winds of change......the moon just moved into Aguarius....Age of Aquarius.....I am just saying....I wish someone would care about what I think.....I am intelligent but dying....oh I hear whistling outside again...627 pac st time....supposed to be windy again tonight.....

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