I don't care about keeping my blog going anymore. I seem to be always depressed with no letting up of pain, so it doesn't serve much purpose to keep it up. I only come here now when I can't stand how I am feeling and try to let it out by writing about it.
I am not moving forward with my life..I am still a recluse and have given up looking for work. I don't date and I distrust men immensely. I get asked out, but feel nothing for whoever wants to meet me. No physical attraction or interest in them at all. I feel only depression and apathy. I have absolutely no motivation to help myself in any way. I hate life and sleep a lot. I feel trapped and all alone. I hate the way I look and I feel I've lost all perspective on life. I have no style or clue on how to improve myself. I feel so ugly and old.
I wish again for the millionth time the courage to kill myself. I don't deserve to live.
