Friday, May 21, 2010

Same Ole Same Ole

I don't care about keeping my blog going anymore. I seem to be always depressed with no letting up of pain, so it doesn't serve much purpose to keep it up. I only come here now when I can't stand how I am feeling and try to let it out by writing about it.

I am not moving forward with my life..I am still a recluse and have given up looking for work. I don't date and I distrust men immensely. I get asked out, but feel nothing for whoever wants to meet me. No physical attraction or interest in them at all. I feel only depression and apathy. I have absolutely no motivation to help myself in any way. I hate life and sleep a lot. I feel trapped and all alone. I hate the way I look and I feel I've lost all perspective on life. I have no style or clue on how to improve myself. I feel so ugly and old.

I wish again for the millionth time the courage to kill myself. I don't deserve to live.


  1. gosh, i feel like if i had written a blog right now, it would have been the same exact blog as yours.
    i've been eating a lot lately. i tried to DIEt and ended up starving myself for 4 days then binged/ took vicodin.
    i honestly don't know how much longer i can live like this too.
    i do have one tiny sliver of hope: i applied for a customer service job at this company in maine. it's an adult gay dating website type company. i wanna get as far out of california as possible. LA is a cancer that has spread to OC IE the desert.
    I wont find out about the job until June - so - I pray i get it.
    If I don't, I know how bad my depression will get.
    I feel so useless and worthless.
    My dreams are so wonderful. They take me to another reality where I am happy.
    I want to live in my dreams and crate things from thinking.
    life fucking sux right now.
    I dont know how much longer I can go on... but I am going to hold out for a little while longer. and I hope you do too!

  2. hang in there hon.....sometimes i go to church to feel a little better. i hope u get the job. i need to get out of LA too i think....if i had the money i would run away to europe and never come back.....