Monday, December 24, 2012
Well, another year gone. I made it back out to LA with cats in tow. Bought an old 91 Dodge Ram Suv. Drove 3 days straight through hellish desert heat, praying and crying the whole way. Please don't let this truck break down, please don't let this truck break down please don't let this truck break down....my poor kitties getting sick. Especially Tigger. He was sick for a week afterward. I thought he was going to die from the heat and the motion of the truck moving on its bouncing suspension. I have lost my mind or something. I drove 2000 miles to find my cats a home. I am now staying with my friend and her family. I am flat broke except for the small amount I get from Social Security. I am deadly depressed pretty much always, and consider suicide daily. I feel useless and stupid and have only begun to tell my strange tale of my strange summer. I ended up in 4 psych wards and lost my low income apt. that I lived in for 9 years. I made my cats homeless too. I am ashamed of myself and will slowly state my tale as time goes on. I know I saw Jesus Christ himself perform street art for my eyes alone, all dressed in black. Back in black.Black turtleneck sweater, black slacks. Crossing the street, making his way to the 7/11. Stopped in the middle of the intersection and dropped his smoke halfway there, and stubbing it out with his black shoe. I told you it was a strange tale. God has a way of dropping in on unsuspecting people. Like me. Like the Virgin Mary. Excuse me! I'm 12! She should have said....hey Holy Spirit, I'm not ready to have a baby at 12! Different times and different culture. AS to how I feel now ... Depression has a way of robbing your strength and will to live . I have low self esteem and am pretty convinced I am a loser and cannot do anything. I am timid and shy and hate life. I feel ugly and eat sweets too much. Every one was saying I was so skinny, so I have been putting on pounds eating junkfood. I cry every day. But hey! It's Jesus' birthday! Tra la! Listening to Christmas tunes while contemplating ending it all. How many others out there are feeling the same as me? I just want to be happy and have a home and I pray all the time and I feel stupid writing this. Crying over lost opportunities and lost children I chose not to have. Lots of guilt. Lots of self hatred. Peace on Earth, Goodwill to men, and it's Christmas Eve. The world didn't end like it was supposed to, according to the Mayans a couple of days ago. Too Bad. Kinda hoping it would in a big way.....Merry Christmas andre Happy Birthday Jesus, loved the street performance that started this whole down ward spiral. What's the encore? Any clues? Love, Me.