Wednesday, October 24, 2012

October 24, 2012

I had a very traumatic summer, filled with bizarre happenings and things I don't understand. Like how people I have never met in my life just appeared to me out of no where. I have lost my apt and ended up staying with family in Mississippi. I have bought a Dodge Ram Suv and am going to drive back now, since it is not working for me here. My cats are with me. I am going to go live with friends near Long Beach, and try and get over all the bad happenings. Try to get over having my heart broken. Try to get back in school. Try to be more sane.

I was hospitalized 4 times in the summer, and cursed out all near and dear to me. Being bipolar and depressed is hell. I must have been delusional. I don't know. But I know clearly that some things actually did happen to me. All I can say is I am sorry to the ones I love, and hope to forget my broken heart. I really thought I was helping, and that the Lord was with me in what I did.

I have had many anxious moments since losing my apt, and had to go to the local hospital yesterday to get medication, because I feel paralyzed with fear. About what I am gonna do with my life, and how can I move forward. Living on Social Security limits me, and if I work, I can only make so much, or they take my benefits away. I gave up looking for work, and just became a recluse. Having a mental illness is so hard to live with. Something to hide and be ashamed of. Just pretend I am normal, when I am fearful and anti social. I am sad to be growing old alone, and terrified and hate myself. I want love and happiness like everyone else. All I can do is pray to God about it, and hope that I don't have to live in my suv. I contemplate suicide daily. Whatever. That is the way it goes......