Thursday, May 28, 2009

C ya

My therapist Jane came over today. I told her about my death wish I have been living with. She asked me if I was serious, and I said yes, that it is all I think about. How I feel like my body is dead weight or full of lead. I asked her if she has other patients that complained about lethargy, and she said yes, and that how they all say how better they feel if they start to get out. I do not feel like getting out. I have been very reclusive and weak feeling. I have no clue how to get my life on track. I feel convinced I have nothing to offer the world, and that I am a big loser. It is sad.

My married lover Paul has moved his family to San Jose. His wife got a job up there. He said he'd see me in 2 weeks, after he is done moving them up there. He doesn't want to move up there, but they need the money. I am losing interest fast. What is the point of seeing this man? I love being with him, but he obviously wants to stay with his family. It hurts alot, but what can I do? Just forget him and move on. Only, I don't feel like moving on. I am stuck in neutral, not moving forward, just idling. As I get closer to my 50th birthday, I have become very embittered that I have no love in my life. Out of all these men I have been dating, I end up only being attracted to a married man that is unavailable. I miss him, but at the same time, I resent him just popping up into my life whenever he gets around to it. He knows I care alot about him. I think he is for sure avoiding me, even though he started the whole thing. I feel like a piece of ass.

Monday, May 25, 2009

No meds=major bitch mode

i think i may have to go back on my meds. I said fukkit last week and quit all of them. I felt very strange for a few days, and now all the major irritation is moving in. I remember feeling like this when I wasn't on meds before. Not only am I depressed, I'm killer irritable. It is awful. That I have to feel like this makes me very sad and angry. I just want to be normal like everyone else, and am failing miserable.

I have pretty much given up on ever finding a mate and the thought of living in this apt building full of mental patients the rest of my life makes me feel suicidal. I have been avoiding going to the mental health clinic because I am sick of being ill. I hate everyone right now. I resent happy normal people. I wonder what it is that I have done to deserve the pain and despair I have gone through for so many years. I hate life. I hate humans. I hate the world. I resent being stuck on this planet. I don't want to be here. I am stuck in amber. I am paralyzed. I have stopped functioning almost altogether. I am despondent that I have to spend my whole life all alone. I feel God hates me. Wants me to suffer. I hate Him too. I hate everything. I spit on all of u. Die all of u. I have spent the long Memorial Day weekend alone. No one gives a fuck about me.

Fuck off humanity. Fuck off world. Fuck off universe. U wanna know what it feels like to be bipolar and depressed? It is pure hell of the mind and spirit. My soul is dying and I want it dead. I wish to God I had the nerve to kill myself. It's like even with that I cant' be bothered. I can't be bothered to do anything. Live or die. I just exist day to day. Scrounge in my kitchen for something to chew and swallow when hunger pangs get to be too much. Despondent cuz I can't pay my bills anymore. Despondent cuz I want to die before I have to go live with my family. They wouldn't help anyway, but i am afraid I have gotten to the point where I can't take care of myself anymore. Maybe I should find homes for my pets. I really dont' care what happens to me or them. I just want to die and feel nothing anymore.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


i haven't been getting out very much at all these days. not well. cry alot. in pain alot. ignoring all my bills. staying stoned and lethargic. waiting for the ax to fall when i am absolutely broke and can't even pay my rent anymore. thinking about when i will eventually have to eat out of a garbage can cuz i can't function anymore and i end up in the street.

went to get my meds tuesday and wandered out and left without them. i get sick of sitting in that waiting room at the mental health clinic i go to. sick of seeing the fucking mental cases like me there. sick of being included in it all. sick of being sick. i hate looking at their ugly faces. i hate them all. hate going there and being questioned by the nurse every time i get my meds. getting weighed. seeing my psychiatrist and therapist. i hate it all. i'm not supposed to go without lamactil 2 days--so fucking what, none of those meds help anyway.

memorial day is coming up in a few days, and i will no doubt spend yet another holiday totally alone. every fucking holiday. every fucking birthday. every fucking valentine's day. i think about ways to kill myself all the time. pray to god to give me the guts to do it. who wants to grow old alone? that is where it is going for me. that is where i am headed.

i think about my married lover's life and of all the things in his life he has done with his wife and daughters. all the little things in life people take for granted, i hunger for that. the little touches of affection--the laughter. the adventures, the romance. even the boring aspects of life. making dinner, having a home and family. i have missed out on knowing it all. the day to day life of being a couple. i am jealous and can't understand what it takes to have a real life. i have always known my whole life that i was not living the way i should. that there is so much more out there. an authentic life. maybe i have no capacity for it. just don't know how to do it. i am lost. i am alone.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

drown me

i wake up crying
i go to bed crying.
even in my dreams i weep.
no one wants me. no one loves me.
my eyes are waterfalls.
i just want to sleep
and know no more

up late again

spent a miserable weekend alone. it is unbearable. i can't sleep at night cuz i can't sleep alone, and just pace the floor and listen to music. get high. feel distraught alot. cry. wonder why i have to live like this. all the usual noises in my neighborhood is driving me crazy. the sirens and the people outside shouting at each other. traffic all the time. i feel like i am going insane or am headed for a breakdown, and don't know how to stop it. i have so many men tell me daily on that stupid social network tagged that i am beautiful and an angel. that they would be so happy if i were their girlfriend. that i am the best thing ever, and i have no one to call my own. no boyfriend, no husband.

the bloom i felt for my married lover is defintely over. i just feel like a piece of ass now. i for some reason idealized him cuz i was infatuated, but i guess he is like all the other men out there that wants to get into my pants. i feel like a moron. i feel like i've been dumped cuz i haven't heard anything from him. i wonder what i did to make him disappear. i am pissed at myself for saying to him how much i care. i forget from past experience that i should never show a man that i am into him. it is ok with a man to be sexual, but not emotional. i should not let it bother me but it does. if i do not hear from him, then that is that. he is very afraid he will lose his family. well, he started it. he is the one who looked for me. he told me that i was what he wanted. oh, maybe not me, i realize, just the sex part. how many times will this happen to me before i realize i have to not show i care? men disappear when that happens.

you know what ? so what? i don't care. i wallow in it and let it go......

this is my personal journal, so i write what i am thinking about and feeling, and then i go on to post something else. i don't like to dwell on the grammar or syntax or the expressive formulations of ideas. i just write it down and move on......

sometimes i post this video by sugarcult, just to see if the universe is listening....kinda asking for help here...

please universe, send my soul mate! asap!!!!!! here is a good view for him to see when he lands here.....i am ever hopeful,
your friend,


dream, manly, and tender...... but with eyes only for me

Thursday, May 14, 2009


this is how i feel about life at this moment in time. nearing my 50th birthday. wanna be loved before it's too late.

Linkin Park--In The End

Time is a valuable thing
Watch It Fly By As
The Pendulum Swings

Watch It Count Down
To The End Of The Day
The Clock Ticks Life Away

It's So Unreal

You Didn't Look Out Below
Watch The Time Go
Right Out The Window

Trying to hold on
I didn't even know
I'd wasted it all.........

peace out

i have decided that i have a death wish. like i am manic now and staying high or drunk to avoid the inevitable. that i am going to put myself out of my own misery. i want to live and feel everything and shove it down into my unconcious for the final act. thoughts of a buying gun to put a bullet in my head. i hate this. i want to savor the beauty, not pour shit over it.

don't destroy the good thoughts, sandi. be mindful. spring breeze, warm skin, tasty kisses. u r not going to lose this and u r not going to die. u r going to live sandi. u r a good person. u r worth loving. ???????????? why does it make me cry to say this to myself? i want to live and block black thoughts. block the black dog.

whatever is true, whatever is fine, whatever is lovely, think on these.........

i am true, i am fine, i am lovely, i am worthy

God loves me.

Ain't Love Grand?

Weakling as I am, I gave in and started seeing my married Paul again. He's so fucking awesome. Hot hot hot.

Sunny, breezy, warm. Jacaranda trees casting dappled shadows on the pavement. Their lavender blossoms match my sexy low top. It is not lost on my lover. I am a colorful beautiful woman. Artistic in my atmosphere and environs. I wear skin tight jeans with a little bit of my g string sticking up. Just a hint. Just a taste. Black lace bra is a peek. I am totally aware of my sexuality and my powers of attraction. At the same time, I can't keep my eyes off his killer looks. I am infatuated and tell him so. His long dark silky shiny hair. Like a roman god. "You're so fine."

We ride his Harley to get lunch. We are so into each other. We make out in public. He caresses my ass in front of everyone. We are like a couple of horny teenagers. I haven't met a man in years and years that has made me feel like this. I tingle just thinking of him. When he takes off, he waves up at my window 4 stories up. Turns around on his Harley as he speeds off, and waves his leather clad biker glove. It amazes me that he knew I'd be looking out the window, watching him leave. He knew without looking up that I'd be gazing after him. Like Juliet aching soulfully after Romeo. Like a freakin' knight off to slay the dragon. It is how I see him as my hero, every time I come out of my apt. bldg. and see him leaning against his bike. Handsome from head to toe. Might as well be wearing a shiny metal armour. I have told all my friends this. I idealize him cuz I'm into him. I swear to God, I can see the plumes coming out of his helmet, and he's riding off on his steed.

I am so fucking esoteric all the time these days. I am into music so much. Like I hear it my head all the time. I jump around and dance and sing. I feel every beat. Every treble. Every warble ....... I am fucking soulful and creative. I dance and type and write lyrics God sends to me. I feel a little delusional but ultra aware but like cotton stuffed head full pot smoke. Freak show baby baby on the dance floor, a freak show. oooh oohh people come from everywhere and when the dance show begins they dance guy to guys and freaks to freak.. freak show baby baby on the dance how on the dance floor. oooh oooh shake ur body . move it.... ohah ohhha shake ur body. synthezixer. don;t stop dont go man all freaks frreak out. shake ur body shake ur body.............freak ur body.......... ohho hhoohhhs yeah it's a freak show.......1984-----The Bar Kays.....

I still stay stoned all the time. I feel guilt about our affair cuz I'm a good person, but at the same time, I would never give it up. I just want to feel loved so badly, I am starved for it.

It is wonderful to feel normal and fun and interesting and sensual. I am a closet Italian girl. I should have moved there years ago. I want to be artistic and mindful of the moment and feel my senses fully. Art lessons in Florence. Wine in Tuscany. Gondola in Venice. Forum in Rome. Vatican......Milan to see my rocker amico Franco... killer. Dream life.

Gotta get well. Gotta get over myself. Gotta try and get a little sober. Don't want to, but I feel sick and not well. I want to keep up with my new lover. I was sure I was alone, and now I have someone interested in seeing me. He said he was glad that I reconsidered seeing him. I had tried to stay away from him, but missed him too much. It is all or nothing with me sometimes.

Feast or famine. Raining cats and dogs, then drought. Cracks in desert floor. A small desert rose withering under blasting fiery sun. Crying out for just a tiny sip of water. That is me with love. I cry and beg the universe to send me love. I put it out to the universe. I said this to Paul the first time he came over to visit me, and he said "Well, it worked! Here I am!"

My hero.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

i want his sweet lips

i don't edit when i write this blog cuz i am very messed up from smoking. i am high, but i know what i'm saying. i think i am getting more ill and don't know what to do about it. i think about death always now. i don't want to go on living. i have stopped dating mostly, cuz i am not attracted to anyone.

i have thought about it, and i have dated writers, artists, doctors, lawyers,contractors, engineers, entrepeneurs, a producer, a financial analyst, an actor, a computer programmer. so i know i can attract these men, and they have some of the qualities i am looking for, but i feel nothing and i move on.

i don't know what i am looking for anymore. i thought if i dated rich men i would feel happy. i love the nice dinners and the intelligent conversations, but i don't want these men. it is very hard that i am infatuated with a married man. he has what i want. creative, intelligent, kind, sensitive, gentle, responsible, devoted, and handsome on top of it. i liked putting my head on his shoulder. what woman wouldn't want him? and he was faithful until he reached out to me. he was looking, and he found me. he started it. i miss him. dammit!!! i feel like a love sick teenager.

car show

went to the cool classic car show today. back home. thought about paul the whole time i was there cuz i had asked him to go to it with me. beautiful gorgeous cars and motorcycles. stage set up with some kind of off the wall beauty contest going on. lots of tattoos and hispanic culture. pretty cool. cops yelling at everybody to get out of the road so the busses can pass.

i am semi-aware of everything, but i mention several times to my friend that is walking with me that i will not remember much about it. it was all a blur. very depressed. too depressed to feel much---i feel blank, like cardboard, but at the same time in pain in solar plexus ==in heart. brought along a camera to take pix but felt too ambivalent to care. i have got to stop this obsessive thinking. it is always with me. the racing thoughts, the negative mind set. the suicidal ideation.

i am on the verge of getting back in touch with paul. i am trying hard to stay away from him. it is hard. i think about the good times we could have together, and the affection i have for him and he for me. i can tell he cares about me. it is stressful, cuz my ex that has just got out of jail keeps calling and emailing me, and i have got to stay away from him. he's is a terrible person. i can do better.

i want my paul cuz he was gentle and sweet with me. what am i going to do about this? he is married and in love with his wife of 19 years. he is entrenched in his relationship with her, yet she is trying to pull away from him and move on or just fuck around. i don't want him if he sees me as revenge on her. i have told him that. he says i deserve to be happy and that i am a wonderful woman. i want his soft hair in my face again. i want his sweet lips.

Friday, May 8, 2009

kurt loves courtney

i just remembered that when paul and i were hanging out after we made love, i was sitting on my bed, and he said that in that light i looked like courtney love from hole. now, i asked if that was a good or bad thing? she is a heroin addict after all. he said i looked like her in sid and nancy, the movie with gary oldman plays sid vicious. gee thanks, i think. she was a heroin addict playing a heroin addict. or, i can take it as a compliment, cuz she was lucky to be wed to awesome kurt cobain. he was so deep and full of feeling. great songwriter. raw. coarse and screaming his pain. he wrote copiously in his journals as i have done. now i bipolar blog. i have to get it out somehow. living in my ivory tower 4 stories up from a busy intersection in my congested part of LA, i have to rant, so i come here to my blog. i let some people read it. it is very personal though. i am shy about telling the world about my personal feelings and wonder if they matter anyway.

rock climbing guy jeff is coming over sunday. and tomorrow, there is a killer classic car show here in my neighborhood. they close off two streets and there's tons of cool classic cars with beautiful paint jobs. very colorful and my kind of eye candy. plus,, they have food and a stage where bands play. had the munster mobile, and the bat mobile, and herbie the love bug last year. thousands of people, so it is better i walk there. oh yeah, i had asked paul to go to this with me. bummer. i will think of him tomorrow. he's a cool guy.

Ozz man lyrics

there are no impossible dreams
there are no invisible seams
each night when the day is through
i don't ask much, i just want u

there are no unachievable goals
there are no unsaveable souls

there no indisputable truths
and there ain't no fountain of youth
each night when the day is through
i don't ask much, i just want u

I miss him!!

i have been thinking about my ex married lover paul all day today. how handsome and sweet and passionate. how when we rounded pacific coast highway on his harley and santa monica beach came into view. his hair whipping in my face. me biting it and pulling with my teeth. me wrapped around him, hanging on for dear life. it was awesome. at that moment, i told God that if we crashed at that moment and i died right there, i'd die a happy woman. hangin' out on the coast, drinking and cuddling and watching a school of dolphins jump straight north. even saw a seal. watched pelicans land and take off. funny, i live near the beach, and had never seen so much wildlife action. like it was a show just for paul and me. i felt so romantic and sweet sixteen with him. he says, "yeah, we're going to have some good times, babe." i take it with a grain of salt, cuz he's married. he says we have all the time in the world. that he believes in long lifetime friendships. i miss him so much. tears spring to my eyes, and i feel sadness and loss. oh well, gotta move on. how is an affair with a married man going to help me? my friend said that is nothing but bad karma. i felt a little guilt, but felt it was our affair and we had a good time. but then reality kicks in and u have to turn away from ur dreams sometimes. bye paul. i would have prefered to have made love to u a few hundred more times.

i just got a call from the guy i went out with the other night to the sushi bar. told him i wasn't over my little fling with paul yet, and that i have alot of stress in my life. could we be friends. blah blah, he says he's disappointed. whatever.

met yet another guy yesterday for hot chocolate at the corner coffee shop yesterday. he's a rock climber. like serious one. he hands by a finger from mountains and shit. he's got awesome pix of him scaling super high rocks and bridges. he thinks i'm kinda awesome. no, i said i was awesome, and he agreed. he's a hippy like me. laid back CA dude. got the surfer dialect. been climbing for 20 years. he's wiry and thin, no fat on him. says he has a cool house a mile from the beach in thailand, where he plans to retire one day. says he has videos of himself climbing, and has i name. i told him that i would be eating his dust, he's so fit. i am feeling ill and tired all the time. how can i keep up with him? he likes my pad. how i decorated it with all my thrift shop items and stuff i've found in my alley behind my apt. bldng. i have a knack for eyeing cool items. i totally can resell this stuff, but don't have the money space or motivation. i plan on beating this disease or die trying. getting older and my 50th birthday is doing my head in though. losing my looks. wanna find my mate soon. i am looking for my true love.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Back To The Brink

gotta be real. gotta say this sandi. u r an addict again. fuck me. i am dead woman.

every time i go to the mary jane dispensary i am very upbeat and pleasant. i am bubbly. i am playing a part. i laugh alot. i have an infectious laugh. i saw one young guy in his 20s smile when i laughed. i am a southern belle. charming the males. a handsome island dude working behind the counter is charming right back. i tell him to recommend a strength of smoke to deaden emotional pain. and aches and pains of depression. sativa he says. he is cute and sweet and makes sure he gives me a 5% discount. makes sure he shows me just how he stapled the bag just exactly in the middle. he is in his late 20s early 30s? he tells me as i go that we are all bipolar. that we all live in stress and that we have to forget the past and don't worry about the future. just live in the now i said that i would try that. i had heard this before from jesus and buddha. not a bad team, right? i am classic bipolar. up and down. in and out. outside in.. i said earlier i would contemplate suicide over salad. close. appetizer. but as we were leaving for my date to take me home, i said to him that i am being mindful of the night and the atmosphere. the full moon, the neon red and green wabi sabi sign. the pretty girl with braided hair and long dress walking down the street. the art gallery next door. i tired to be mindful and thankful for someone coming into my life briefly to let me know i'm wanted. i don' t want him though. that is the problem

And, I'm Back From Date

just wanted to state first of all that unequivocably that if i couldn't listen to my tunes and blast it in my face, i would fucking put a bullet in my brain. i have some kind affinity for over the top things. loud music, crazy art--mad dash through wonderland.

my date and i chat. jackson pollack we talked about. he asks me my favorite artists--van gogh of course being my bipolar hero, gaugin, monet manet, la trec, mary cassett, pissaro, dejas, frida kahlo, diego rivera, picasso, jackson pollack, warhol, the fucking odder the better, that is my head. that is what it is all about. i am esoteric when high on pot.

i am so sensitive to every thing. i experience music in every pore. i dance. i feel jaded. i feel not so pretty anymore. i remember how pretty i looked when watching myself in mirror onstage as exotic dancer. i don't like losing my looks. my looks made me money. my looks attract men. helps get me a job. it is hard living in LA single and looking for a mate at age 50. i am introverted and solitary most of the time. the clinic sends my therapist to me. i tell some of my online friends i am bipolar. some i ask to read my blog. it is too hard for some to read cuz they are from other countries.

i have a mad crush on this italian doctor who i chat with sometimes. he is so handsome and smart and is a doctor. he travels around helping others, like doctors beyond borders. i have told him he is my ideal man. smart, handsome and dark and italian, well traveled, philanthropic. adventurous. very married with two kids, but is wanting to chat with me anyway. wants me to buy a video camera so we can chat and see each other. he tried to help me over instant messaging to set up skype account so i could see him. didn't work. bummer. he is hot looking.

but i digress...

back to date. went to hip trendy sushi restaurant in venice called wabi sabi. i had been there before on yet another date. that is how i knew about the place. the street abbot kinney is the main drag of venice. funky and trendy shops and boutiques and restaurants, coffee shops and bars. never experienced walking abbot kinney. always in my car passing by. very cool place. lots of galleries. some wierd art. i saw one with a baby on fire --ok, where does that idea spring from. some art is stupid. i said, let's just keep walking.

that is after dinner. during dinner, he is very knowledgeable about the history of film as i am. he is spouting tales i have heard many times about historical fiqures i have taught myself about. " yes, i fucking know that cinco de mayo celebrates mexico's independence from france. yes maximilian was taken out and shot by civilians." i think to myself. i don't say it though. i am beginning to get a little peeved at his knowledge overload. like he was trying to impress me. shit he's gonna want to kiss me and hold me!

the guy is educated. went to prep school. father was in show biz. i find i am not attracted to him. we drink sake. we cinco de mayo, to israel, to haifa. we toast billy wilder, one of my favorite old directors, we toast i forget several more times. i didn't get drunk enough though. he is interesting. he is successful. he has nice watch and brand new SUV. he plays nothing but rock for me on his car stereo. we eat tons of sushi. elaborate looking. very artistic. one looks like a dragon. i saw his face when he looked at the bill, and he looked shocked. i just think, oh shit, he's gonna want to kiss me. oh fuck, i wanna go home. we held hands and walked and talked. i kept thinking how i wish it was paul walking the street with me, commenting on all the unique places.

he brought me two dozen pink roses, my favorite flower. he makes me want to go home. he is for someone else, not me. but he wants to see me again. some old humphrey bogart movie is playing at the billy wilder theater on the campus of UCLA next month. he asked if i wanted to go. "maybe i say", no i said a tentative yes. i say "but we don't know each other well yet, and i am a shy person that has to take it slow." but if i am into a guy i do him, so fucking what. i either do them too soon or not at all.

so i tell him i want to go home. it is only 9pm and that i want to call my mother. he drives me home. i have tons of sushi left to bring home with me, cuz he ordered so much. i feel kinda guilty about it. i mean we had tons of sushi. and tempura. so i just want to go home. he walks me to my gate of the building. i say, well, thank u so much, i really appreciate, blah, blah. blah.

i don't encourage him to linger or walk me to my door which is 4 stories up. he didn't take the hint, and proceeded to accompany me to my apt. i felt very put upon and uncomfortable. maybe he thought he was entitled to something cuz he spent money on me? i don't know. i didn't want him here. i have a small apt. and he was a big man. my space felt invaded. he wanted to hang around. he poured water in the sink and cut the ends off the roses. i want him to leave, i feel stalked. i had seen him staring at my lips during dinner. he had tried to kiss me on our walk around venice,and i ducked away. i finally say, u know, i really need to call my mom, she's been sick and it's getting late. i went and opened the door and stood there, waiting for him to leave. i ducked from him again, but then thought , what the hell and said, i will kiss u now. i pecked at him, and he tried to pull me close, i shut the door in his face. what can i say? nothing but revulsion at the thought of him kissing me. meanwhile, my loser ex boyfriend carlos is trying to get back into my life. he just got out of jail. i hate his guts. he is a meth addict and a low life. he sent me an email, asking for another chance. yeah right. die asshole. womanizer. i just want to find a good man THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO and get married and have a life like anyone else.

this dude tonight quoted mark twain to me, talked about famous mexican muralist on olvera street and i just wanted to leave. this man can provide a better life for me. i have had several men say they want me and would help me or take care of me. why do i always chase them away? because i like funky guys. off beat guys, but stable guys. not drug addicts. a working artist. that i am hot for , and him for me. i don't want a business man. i want paul. he is married. i was his revenge fuck to get back at his cheating wife. i sent him an email and told him off. told our mutual friend to deliver a message to him for me: fuck off and die. he started the ball rolling. he asked me out. he pursued me. he is a pussy to me now. he went running back to her. we could have had some awesome times. he wanted it his way. me on the side and him still married. no thank u. it is one thing for him to hint he wants to leave his marriage, and another where he talks like her like he's madly in love with her even after 20 years. she must be a good fuck? i don't know. i think he doesn't get that much, i don't care, but he reached out to me to find love and sex. so he must have not been getting tons that he would have gotten with me. his loss.

Jesus Christ I Can't Deal

15 mins til blind date. how many in the last few months? i do not feel up to this. i am crying. fuck he just called on his way. he has a couple of business doing something or other in film biz. i feel like death inside. i am such a fool. why i let that paul come near me i don't know. price of couple of jousts in the sack? severe and blinding pain and many tears. feel stupid and pathetic. i am a head case these days. terrible stress with money too. fukkit.

Just Another Piece Of Ass

i gotta a date in 2 hrs, and i do not want to go. i am not looking forward to it. i hate blind dating. it sux. i was happy in my deluded way of thinking that paul felt something for me. then i realized after chatting with friends that no matter how good he seems, he is just another man out for a piece of ass on the side. i guess i am qualified now for that mission. feel alot of pain and went and bought as stoney a pot as pos and have been hitting my bong. now i am sick and ill and stoned out of my gourd. i plan on drinking as well. i feel weak and sick. yeah, i be ILL"N. when u r n emotional pain, it drains the life out of u out of me. like all my energy has drained out of my feet and circling the hole. i feel my aura streak with black and gray. i am putrid. i think about death over salad. he will chat and my mind will wander as i sip my wine. i am not attracted to most men. maybe all men? i don't know. it is very hard for me to trust. very hard.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

News Flash: Man Stays With Wifey

yeah, saw this coming and didn't avoid it anyway. something about me that has got to wring every last ounce of pain out of a relationship. there was none with the married lover, obviously, cuz it's over before it has even started. he decided he wanted to be with her after all, and sayanora sandi. thanks paul. thanks for the pain inflicted!! really appreciate it!! i ask him today when he so torn about what is happening in his life--well how do u feel about me paul? "feel about u? i'm married!!!" wow. no shit. thanks for clarifying that! thanks for the update! wouldn't have realized that until u pointed it out to me in ur blount and hurtful way!!! i think i mentioned that fact to u the first time u asked me out!

guess i was the piece of ass on the side to get back at wifey. she's run around on him, now it is his turn. only he doesn't want to do that-he wants to stay with her. it was him that set the ball in motion to start seeing me. he asked me out. whatever. he has karma to deal with now.

thanks for the skewers of pain, paul!! and the tears!! i feel even more miserable now cuz i felt something for u. that rarely happens for me. to feel affection for a man. so thanks for making me cry --didn't have anything better to do but go around in my galoshes and mop up tears. and ruminate suicide.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Don't Ask Me What I'm Doin' Cuz I Don't Know

After crying two days and trying to say goodbye to my married lover in my heart, I was feeling a little better. I was chatting with my long distance friend in Italy when my married lover called me. Said he wanted to go for a coffee and talk. Said he hadn't slept all night. I let him come over and we went to breakfast. He says that he wants to stay in my life even if we are just friends. Said he wanted to see me on my terms and at my pace. Whatever will make me comfortable. He is very sweet. I told him I had a crush on him. He says he knows and won't break my heart. My friend told him I am fragile and to not break my heart too. I have been on my own so long that to me it is Heaven to get some positive attention directed at me. I suppose I am going to see him after all. I am on an emotional rollercoaster. He said that he didn't feel any guilt about sleeping with me, cuz his wife ran around on him last year. I tell him to please not talk about her. I feel jealous when I hear her name.

Friday, May 1, 2009

I feel like fuckin' death man

I am so miserable about telling my married lover i can't see him anymore. I told him better to cry some now than to cry oceans later. I feel these fucking skewers of pain stab me between my eyes and sear my brain. I squeeze my eyes shut and cry out from the pain. I should not feel so bad after only a few dates with a man, but I feel that I had finally found someone that I could believe in and love. It is hell--unrequited love. I feel punched in the solar plexus. I have to keep smoking bong hits and going back to bed. i can't take being this depressed. I feel suicidal. I pick up things and hit myself hard in the head. I cry buckets. I feel so sick and weak and useless. I don't know why I have to feel like this. Why can't I be strong like everyone else on this planet? There's people out there worse off than me. I still miss him and wish I could be with him. I think about what are life could be together. Then I think about the life he's already had with his wife. He isn't going anywhere. Like he said, he wouldn't have sought comfort with someone else if things were different in his relationship with her. That stung when he said that. Oh well, men are clueless. I have to keep drinking water to stay a little bit more hydrated after crying so much. I am dragging my ass off to bed again. I really want to die. This is no joke...