Friday, May 1, 2009

I feel like fuckin' death man

I am so miserable about telling my married lover i can't see him anymore. I told him better to cry some now than to cry oceans later. I feel these fucking skewers of pain stab me between my eyes and sear my brain. I squeeze my eyes shut and cry out from the pain. I should not feel so bad after only a few dates with a man, but I feel that I had finally found someone that I could believe in and love. It is hell--unrequited love. I feel punched in the solar plexus. I have to keep smoking bong hits and going back to bed. i can't take being this depressed. I feel suicidal. I pick up things and hit myself hard in the head. I cry buckets. I feel so sick and weak and useless. I don't know why I have to feel like this. Why can't I be strong like everyone else on this planet? There's people out there worse off than me. I still miss him and wish I could be with him. I think about what are life could be together. Then I think about the life he's already had with his wife. He isn't going anywhere. Like he said, he wouldn't have sought comfort with someone else if things were different in his relationship with her. That stung when he said that. Oh well, men are clueless. I have to keep drinking water to stay a little bit more hydrated after crying so much. I am dragging my ass off to bed again. I really want to die. This is no joke...

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