Thursday, April 30, 2009

My heart is in nuclear winter right now

After my married lover left the other night, there was a nuclear strike on my heart. I have cried almost non stop for two days now. My heart is as barren and as cold and lonely as the artic wastelands. I am trying to get myself together a little cuz my therapist is coming over today to see me. I called her early today and asked her to please not come over. She is coming anyway, to inspect the damage I suppose. Like a claims adjustor. Only this is my soul in disrepair. I have been in bed, lanquishing all day in hell. I feel like I've got the lethal swine flu that is going around now, except it is all emotions. I feel just as sick as if I have the flu. Depression is a killer. I feel smothered and flattened by it. I don't eat. I forget to breathe sometimes cuz I just can't be bothered. Automation kicks in, and I drag in a shallow breathe. When I cry to my friends, they say, "Well you knew where this road was leading you.". I know, but he was worth it. As bad as I feel now, he was worth it.

My married lover says he is willing to keep seeing me, and would do his best to make time for me, but I feel like is beating a dead horse. He says his daughters are his number one priority, and to keep them from any kind of emotional harm, he will do anything in his power to keep his relationship with their mother safe. And if that means eating crow sometimes, then he will do it. I tell him, of course I understand that, and to go and eat crow and go back to his wife--that he is a good man, and that I only dreamt of having a man like him in my life. Faithful, kind, sweet, caring. I could see in many different ways by his unconcious acts with me that he is that way in reality. After he left the other night, my friend brought up half a birthday cake and I ate most of it. I just stuffed it down. She joined in, and it was gone fast. Living in the tower of sadness as we do, we give into it sometimes.

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