Wednesday, April 29, 2009

An Exercise In Futility?

I am very confused these days. I have been chatting with hundreds of hot european men that say beautiful things to me, and I am alone and no boyfriend. WTF!!!!??? Stinks man.

So, I have given in and have started dated this hot married guy. We have mutual crushes on each other. He is handsome from head to toe. Beautiful silky dark brown hair. Long and falling into my face. Soft dark eyes, penetrating. Of course, I am prone to stare at dark men anyway. They are all so exotic to me. Nice firm tall body. His arms tighten around me, strong and gentle at the same time. His deep kisses take my breath away. He says the same of my smooches. I like sucking his tongue. He likes my lower lip.. Says it is soft. I like kissing him everywhere.

I don't feel like this with most men. It is a pleasure to feel reciprocal affection. My nerves tingle all over my body. His kisses blaze a trail to my triangle. I get hot just thinking of him. I set up a big mirror next to my bed to catch everything. I am a little kinky and like to get spanked. He is very passionate. Smells good. Tastes good. Feels good and deep. I quiver all over when he touches me. Can't stop moving. He is sweet and gentle. He says sweet things that I believe he means.

He is creative and smart. He sits at my computer and writes song lyrics for this 13 minute movie his friend has done. I tell him that he is so handsome for the 10th time today. I feel like I am gushing, but don't want to stop flooding him with compliments. How much I appreciate him. How sexy he looks in his jeans and sweater--barefoot and texting on his cell. I stare at him and tell him that it isn't often that I have a handsome man sitting in my living room. I tell him that I am just going to enjoy myself while I have him, because it may end at any time. Oh!! Here comes first pang of pain and sadness.

Long story short, when he leaves, I try to be brave. He is going home to his wife and two little girls. He is a good dad, I can tell, the way he talks about how lovely his girls are. Pang! Dagger to heart. His wife is a successful editor and writer. She is buff. She is a go getter. She runs miles and miles. She is married to my hot honey. He does not know what to do about his relationship with her. She has burnt out on him after 19 yrs of marriage. He tells me that he wants to be with me. He says that it is always good when you first get into a relationship, and we must take it slow. He tells me a joke about how you can tell the difference between lovers and old married couple.

I feel guilt about maybe taking him away from his family. I feel a little jealous, but I understand where he is coming from. He is honest about it. Said she has broken his heart. Says she stays out all night sometimes and has seen her slip her phone number to men. I am not blaming her, I don't know. How can you love someone and be with them 24/7 for so many years?

At least I know he is a good man. He was faithful 19 years and is devoted to his family. Maybe I should just date married men? I have always turned them down, but at least they know how to have a relationship. I asked him where he had been all my life. Oh yeah! Happily married. Pang! Dagger to heart. I wonder why I have been left out of life and love.

LA men are so stupid and selfish. All my loser boyfriends try to come back to me, and I won't let them. They realize after I am totally done with them for good that I am a good woman to have. I am kind and considerate and giving. An animal lover. I am very child like and small. I have tiny feet. He tells me I have nice firm breasts and nice ass. I email him today and tell him that I felt pain when he left me last night. That I am torn in my feelings, and that I will stay his friend and continue to date ass wipe single boring men. Maybe I will meet my match one day. God, I feel so sad.

I usually tell married men when I turn them down that to me, dating them is an exercise in futility. She gets everything. I get the sex and zip. I love the passion, but he has a home to go to. I am dreaming of him. Seeing him at work. Damn. I am too romantic for my own good.

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