Monday, January 30, 2012

What is the point?

I just can't understand what has happened to me. I have too many emotions and thoughts and fears. When I talked for the last time with my psych doc and therapist, he pretty much reamed me out for not wanting to participate in my recovery from bipolar disorder, and how I don't cooperate with medication.  I argued with him, saying that I have been on every drug there is, and none of them work. I am very tired of going around and around with him about that. He was pretty rude,  and I am glad to be rid of him. He was always lecturing me, like I was a child. What is the point of continuing taking meds when they do not work? They have bad side effects on me. So, they close my case. I have been going to that mental health clinic for ages. Since the 90s. I had a delayed reaction later on and cried. Seems like I cry a lot these days, which isn't right. I deserve love and happiness too. It is time to move on with my life and find peace. Can't stand it anymore.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

an apology

to whoever happens upon this blog, if ever~~a sincere apology for this dreg. it is delusions of grandeur. i have imagined in my mind to have something to offer this world, and so i imagine myself to be an intellect and philosopher and maybe even imagine myself some what of a sybil.....don't know. doesn't matter. i have many many thoughts in my head and i try to sort them out and explain what it feels like to be be bipolar.

i feel as if having issues with feelings and moods and anxieties, etc, has been judged against me. if i share with people that i have bipolar disorder (whatever that is~~i think i need more natural remedies instead of pharmaceuticals.), then i notice that they are not that interested in knowing me anymore. it hurts. i feel very ashamed of myself. even my psych doc seemed angry at me. they closed out my case today. i have been going to that mental health clinic since the early 90s. My doc showed me a big thick file, which he pointed out was almost full. that is file book number 5.

every holiday season, i think of creating this big strange human brain type finale thing with all my social media sites, connected. like to create performance art, with my suicide as a final flourish. why i have this idea, who knows? i have always had a morbid sense of reality.  i feel my life is over, so why not go out with it, and prove to the world how being full of meaning and depth and pain is too hard all alone.

if i had love and joy, i think i could be a good artist. i have creative ideas and i can draw and feel art all around me. i close my eyes and dance to my music, and light swathes swirl around me. to live in two worlds, is and odd way to be. i love the earth and animals, and believe we have another state of being.

please send help to expediate asap, universe!

it is hard to type when i am feeling so ill and lost and spiraling out, only to slam back to reality and can't pay my bills and my psych doc just let me go. i knew it was gonna happen after they let my friend k go from this mental health clinic i have been going to since the 90s. i am having delayed reaction to it. sick and  not sure what to do. i have been feeling myself being built up to something for months now. every christmas season i survive by will alone. i have been made redundant in this world. not sure how to drag myself out of this morass. i have shot myself in my own foot, i guess. i wanted to move on, and i can't get my social security anymore, then i am not sure if i can stay here in this apt building. i have been sorting through my things for weeks, trying to get rid of stuff so i can move on to another life.....where , i don't know,  dammit

Sunday, January 15, 2012

just an example of how my moods change from one minute to the next.....i have to write it down as i feel gets the vomit out....the friggin bile.....backed uppppppppppppppppppp

sometimes i feel so de~genderfied. don't care if it isn't a word. going with the flow of the universe. i have no gender. i check to see that, yeah, according to the mirror, i am a woman. what does that mean? why am i a woman and how did i end up here in this meat suit?
hey, why am i stuck in this thing? i want to move on and experience life and not be in a prison anymore. can i ditch this bag of bones and move on, please? she is a drag, just leave her behind. they will find her and it will be over and i will be gone then. we all have to leave sooner or later. we all have to ditch our bag of bones.....hahahaa flash on stephen king. i read a lot of his stuff as a teen. i always had this morbid sense of reality. i guess i am eccentric at that. i guess i should embrace it, auntie mame style. get more colorful and amazing as i get older. grandma moses type. georgia o'keefe type.

yeah, that will do me good, God! please send all my artist friends to me NOW, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen! I only ask what you promised in your solemn oath to your child. Ask anything in Jesus' name and it will be given to you.

Well, I am asking you, Oh God my Father.....send me my angels and send me my husband that will be good to me and heal me and love me and look after me. And make me strong in spirit and resolution to get WELL and HEAL from Bipolar Disorder and Depression. Grant me wisdom and fortitude and humor. Send me words to sing from my fingertips, and smiles to brighten my day. Heal and grant us all love and Peace and harmony.....God of the Universe. If this is real, and social media is world wide, I can reach you, God! I know it! I am positive and radiant and happy and joyous and silly funny happy happy joy joy joy!!!!!!!

god knows what i go through, at least. and my cats. they feel me. they know.

sometimes i am amazed at what depth my depression starts a spiraling thought action that leaves me curled up in a ball, with a pillow over my head. i feel depressed and worthless, so i get angry with myself for not being stronger. then i feel anger because no one cares or is even vaguely interested in my illness. they couldn't care less. and then i feel embarassed to talk about the pain i go through, because i have then stigmatized myself to them, and they have judged me. then i judge myself and feel more depressed. so i try not to talk much about what i go through in my mind. i try not to let too much out. i put videos on facebook to show how i feel. i have realized that no one cares not even a little bit for me. i reject them before they reject me. they don't deserve my trust.

that is alright with me. i am strong and survive everything. i tilt at the windmill my own way. i am unique. i am sensitive and kind. animals love me. if they love me, then i am good. i don't need a human to validate my existence. i don't need a human to judge me and try and make me feel bad about myself. i hate humans. why would i want to be a part of this species? animals are much more sensitive and kind to me.
and men, i will never again trust in my life. i have not met one yet that hasn't lied to me. so, i am wiser now and know that i can go it alone. i will just get used to it..... being alone and lonely happens to many people. i know that. i just have to realize i can conquer my bad thoughts. i have to use my blog, because darkness swirls around in my head, tormenting me all the time.

i saw something crawling on the wall the other night. it was like a lizard or something. then i realized i must have hallucinated it. i live in a big city and am alone in my my my head inmyhead

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Do you ever feel so low, that you have to ask in prayer for Supernatural help?

That is what I asked my therapist Jane. That is why I say positive things on my Facebook page. I send happy thoughts to the Universe and ask for happiness to return to me. I acknowledge God and use the internet as a conduit to the Cosmic Mind we all ultimately share.

I have to get well now, because I have something to share with the world. I am special and will overcome my depression. I have no depression. It is a word. It does not exist. According to Tom Cruise~ ahhahaha just making a comment on his little statement he made to the world about mental illness.

I am happy and going to great heights and authority! Everyone loves me. I am happy happy happy happy
 God is sending me my other half. The love of my life. My husband. I will be married and living elsewhere by this time next year.

I am confident and employed in a good job that pays well. Everyone loves me and appreciates me and is kind to me.....

I will accomplish many things in my life, starting NOW!!!!!!! In Jesus' name!

Amen :))

do you really know when u r dying?

i feel like i am building up to something. i feel like i am dying slowly from bipolar disorder and depression. i am in pain and feeling sick inside. i cry every day in the shower....that is a weird time for me. cuz i wake and bake. i go through a lot of anxiety, feeling so vunerable. naked and closed in behind my shower curtain. breathing in steam and feeling the warmth course down my body. i wake now in pain most days, and stiff. i frankenstein totter to the shower. looking for some hot water hug.

i say positive things to myself, to fight bad scary thoughts. God washes me in warm golden light of protection....positive fights negative. like a car battery. don't cross the lines, or BOOM!

So yeah, God watches over me and protects me. I have found in a brutal way that life goes on no matter how low I can get. That my life drags on and stress and fear and why bother with all this shit?????

my face has totally changed. i am not me anymore. this is reality. this doesn't go away.

God pours warm golden protection of love over me....i soak in it and feel loved. I am confident and happy. I am smart and curious. I have a great sense of humor. I am beautiful and talented and feel great. I feel happy and well and prosperous.

Warm golden protective light bathes me, and washes away the fears and negativity. Down the drain....gone.....I am made whole and happy and confident. I am a strong woman. I can take care of myself. I can get a nice job and support myself and my cats. I can move where I want and buy a new car and set up my life where I want. I attract nice, happy, generous people to me that just wants to help and  love me. Everyone will know my worth and feel happy to know me. I will always have happy good people in my life. That will look after me and love me. I will meet artists and musicians and will become an artist myself. I will learn to paint and be creative. I will get well!!

I am kind and sincere and feel good about myself. I will conquer this damn is gone. I need no medication. I am strong....I feel great. I feel wonderful! I am so smart and funny.....hahahahha my cats think so! What is so strange about this illness, is that I am totally cognizant of everything that I go through. The crazy hormones too.

God blesses me and will make me strong and financially independent.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Signing off soon~~

I have to decide to leave this blog and delete it for good. It is too personal and I am ashamed of anyone knowing my thoughts and silly delusions of myself. I say things that could damage myself and get me thrown out of my apt and then I would be homeless. And that is what I always dread with big crying tears running down my face.....:((( I look out my window onto the busy LA street I live on, and see a homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk. He is a regular at this intersection my apt looks out on. He works the traffic light, panhandling. I have thought of would I do that if I get homeless? I saw a homeless woman working Lincoln Blvd the other day with her pet cat. A big sign and a big smile and looking run down and scruffy. Saying God Bless to everyone. I have the ability to imagine myself in her body, looking out at the world from her view....I am emphatic like that.

Now, I feel overwhelmed and sad and on the verge of giving up. I want to help homeless people and animals, but I am hideous and old now and my online lover thinks I look old now. I am dying from sadness now.
I am officially a hag. The guy I haven't talked to in months remarked about how I shouldn't lose any more weight or I will look older. I know I have been looking haggard in the past few months. It is now hitting me...fucking age. Getting old sux. You wake up old and un attractive and your life is over before it has even started. Yeah, well he was older looking too! His face was fatter and he had grey hair!

I had a young good looking man follow me into a clothing store the other maybe I still have something left, but like my friend Liz says, men aren't even gonna look at us in 10 yrs....I hear that ringing in my head, thanks to her saying it a hundred times to me....yep the bloom is off the rose, and the decay and withering has become....I just wanna be creative and write and do good things and be happy and have some money. I hate being stressed out over money all the time.

I DEMAND money be drawn to me! I Demand happiness be drawn to me! I demand joy and trust and love and financial security and a home of my own....I Demand this in Christ's name! God wants me to be prosperous and happy and doing good with my life....if I demand what is rightfully mine by being a child of God, the Universe will listen and send it to me.

I demand in Christ's name, that my husband will come and find me and we will have a beautiful happy enriched life together. Always happy and creative and doing good and being grateful.....

Thank You God, for letting me experience this life. Thank you for my apt and my cats and the food I eat. Help me get on to my own two feet and find financial support....bring peace and happiness into my life......heal me Lord! I have to stay positive and only let people that love me into my life....

Bring beauty into my life, Lord! Bring great love and appreciation to me....I am worth it! I am part of you God, and I know you love me!!!!  I fight bad thoughts with your help! I will try and keep this blog to help with my depression. It is no one's business if they don't approve of me! I am strong and beautiful and kind and loving and grateful. Thank you God! Amen

too shy too distrustful..too run over by life....yada yada yada..

just change the hair color...sandi rella....ecentric aunt....silly woman

Me Trying to Be Brave at Christmas~

hate the way i look now. i've aged alot in the past few years...stressed out all the time and sad.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Happy 2012~

My first new post of the new year....I am just going to say nothing but positive things to bring the Universe to me. I am cheerful, happy person that has many many friends. I am kind and positive and interesting. I love animals and art and being creative. I have joy in my heart, and God loves me and looks after me. I am going to find a way to make good money so I can support myself and my cats. I will have a great and productive year and will meet my husband this year. My soul mate. My love of my life. My other half...he and I will have a happy, fulfilling life together, and will travel all over the world and have great adventures and see many awesome things together. Together,  he and I will do good things with our lives~helping others and animals. We will accomplish a lot together, and will be Blessed by God....

I am kind
I attract money to me. I am blessed with prosperity.
I attract a good man to me. He will be ideal for me and we will be in love and happy with each other.
I love animals.
I have many friends.
I am intelligent
I am witty
I am a great writer and traveler
I am in great health
I am very happy always
I am always creative and upbeat and esoteric
I will do God's work
I am getting married to the love of my life
I will live in a beautiful home with a nice garden
My husband and I will have a child together
My husband and I and our child will travel the world over
Everyone I meet loves me
God looks after me

I will always win in every situation that presents it self to me
God blesses me~~~~~~~~~!!
Thank you, God!

ABBA love

peace love prosperity
happiness joy