Saturday, January 14, 2012

do you really know when u r dying?

i feel like i am building up to something. i feel like i am dying slowly from bipolar disorder and depression. i am in pain and feeling sick inside. i cry every day in the shower....that is a weird time for me. cuz i wake and bake. i go through a lot of anxiety, feeling so vunerable. naked and closed in behind my shower curtain. breathing in steam and feeling the warmth course down my body. i wake now in pain most days, and stiff. i frankenstein totter to the shower. looking for some hot water hug.

i say positive things to myself, to fight bad scary thoughts. God washes me in warm golden light of protection....positive fights negative. like a car battery. don't cross the lines, or BOOM!

So yeah, God watches over me and protects me. I have found in a brutal way that life goes on no matter how low I can get. That my life drags on and stress and fear and why bother with all this shit?????

my face has totally changed. i am not me anymore. this is reality. this doesn't go away.

God pours warm golden protection of love over me....i soak in it and feel loved. I am confident and happy. I am smart and curious. I have a great sense of humor. I am beautiful and talented and feel great. I feel happy and well and prosperous.

Warm golden protective light bathes me, and washes away the fears and negativity. Down the drain....gone.....I am made whole and happy and confident. I am a strong woman. I can take care of myself. I can get a nice job and support myself and my cats. I can move where I want and buy a new car and set up my life where I want. I attract nice, happy, generous people to me that just wants to help and  love me. Everyone will know my worth and feel happy to know me. I will always have happy good people in my life. That will look after me and love me. I will meet artists and musicians and will become an artist myself. I will learn to paint and be creative. I will get well!!

I am kind and sincere and feel good about myself. I will conquer this damn is gone. I need no medication. I am strong....I feel great. I feel wonderful! I am so smart and funny.....hahahahha my cats think so! What is so strange about this illness, is that I am totally cognizant of everything that I go through. The crazy hormones too.

God blesses me and will make me strong and financially independent.

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