Sunday, January 15, 2012

god knows what i go through, at least. and my cats. they feel me. they know.

sometimes i am amazed at what depth my depression starts a spiraling thought action that leaves me curled up in a ball, with a pillow over my head. i feel depressed and worthless, so i get angry with myself for not being stronger. then i feel anger because no one cares or is even vaguely interested in my illness. they couldn't care less. and then i feel embarassed to talk about the pain i go through, because i have then stigmatized myself to them, and they have judged me. then i judge myself and feel more depressed. so i try not to talk much about what i go through in my mind. i try not to let too much out. i put videos on facebook to show how i feel. i have realized that no one cares not even a little bit for me. i reject them before they reject me. they don't deserve my trust.

that is alright with me. i am strong and survive everything. i tilt at the windmill my own way. i am unique. i am sensitive and kind. animals love me. if they love me, then i am good. i don't need a human to validate my existence. i don't need a human to judge me and try and make me feel bad about myself. i hate humans. why would i want to be a part of this species? animals are much more sensitive and kind to me.
and men, i will never again trust in my life. i have not met one yet that hasn't lied to me. so, i am wiser now and know that i can go it alone. i will just get used to it..... being alone and lonely happens to many people. i know that. i just have to realize i can conquer my bad thoughts. i have to use my blog, because darkness swirls around in my head, tormenting me all the time.

i saw something crawling on the wall the other night. it was like a lizard or something. then i realized i must have hallucinated it. i live in a big city and am alone in my my my head inmyhead

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