I have to decide to leave this blog and delete it for good. It is too personal and I am ashamed of anyone knowing my thoughts and silly delusions of myself. I say things that could damage myself and get me thrown out of my apt and then I would be homeless. And that is what I always dread with big crying tears running down my face.....:((( I look out my window onto the busy LA street I live on, and see a homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk. He is a regular at this intersection my apt looks out on. He works the traffic light, panhandling. I have thought of would I do that if I get homeless? I saw a homeless woman working Lincoln Blvd the other day with her pet cat. A big sign and a big smile and looking run down and scruffy. Saying God Bless to everyone. I have the ability to imagine myself in her body, looking out at the world from her view....I am emphatic like that.
Now, I feel overwhelmed and sad and on the verge of giving up. I want to help homeless people and animals, but I am hideous and old now and my online lover thinks I look old now. I am dying from sadness now.
I am officially a hag. The guy I haven't talked to in months remarked about how I shouldn't lose any more weight or I will look older. I know I have been looking haggard in the past few months. It is now hitting me...fucking age. Getting old sux. You wake up old and un attractive and your life is over before it has even started. Yeah, well he was older looking too! His face was fatter and he had grey hair!
I had a young good looking man follow me into a clothing store the other day...so maybe I still have something left, but like my friend Liz says, men aren't even gonna look at us in 10 yrs....I hear that ringing in my head, thanks to her saying it a hundred times to me....yep the bloom is off the rose, and the decay and withering has become....I just wanna be creative and write and do good things and be happy and have some money. I hate being stressed out over money all the time.
I DEMAND money be drawn to me! I Demand happiness be drawn to me! I demand joy and trust and love and financial security and a home of my own....I Demand this in Christ's name! God wants me to be prosperous and happy and doing good with my life....if I demand what is rightfully mine by being a child of God, the Universe will listen and send it to me.
I demand in Christ's name, that my husband will come and find me and we will have a beautiful happy enriched life together. Always happy and creative and doing good and being grateful.....
Thank You God, for letting me experience this life. Thank you for my apt and my cats and the food I eat. Help me get on to my own two feet and find financial support....bring peace and happiness into my life......heal me Lord! I have to stay positive and only let people that love me into my life....
Bring beauty into my life, Lord! Bring great love and appreciation to me....I am worth it! I am part of you God, and I know you love me!!!! I fight bad thoughts with your help! I will try and keep this blog to help with my depression. It is no one's business if they don't approve of me! I am strong and beautiful and kind and loving and grateful. Thank you God! Amen