Thursday, January 26, 2012

an apology

to whoever happens upon this blog, if ever~~a sincere apology for this dreg. it is delusions of grandeur. i have imagined in my mind to have something to offer this world, and so i imagine myself to be an intellect and philosopher and maybe even imagine myself some what of a sybil.....don't know. doesn't matter. i have many many thoughts in my head and i try to sort them out and explain what it feels like to be be bipolar.

i feel as if having issues with feelings and moods and anxieties, etc, has been judged against me. if i share with people that i have bipolar disorder (whatever that is~~i think i need more natural remedies instead of pharmaceuticals.), then i notice that they are not that interested in knowing me anymore. it hurts. i feel very ashamed of myself. even my psych doc seemed angry at me. they closed out my case today. i have been going to that mental health clinic since the early 90s. My doc showed me a big thick file, which he pointed out was almost full. that is file book number 5.

every holiday season, i think of creating this big strange human brain type finale thing with all my social media sites, connected. like to create performance art, with my suicide as a final flourish. why i have this idea, who knows? i have always had a morbid sense of reality.  i feel my life is over, so why not go out with it, and prove to the world how being full of meaning and depth and pain is too hard all alone.

if i had love and joy, i think i could be a good artist. i have creative ideas and i can draw and feel art all around me. i close my eyes and dance to my music, and light swathes swirl around me. to live in two worlds, is and odd way to be. i love the earth and animals, and believe we have another state of being.

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