Monday, May 25, 2009

No meds=major bitch mode

i think i may have to go back on my meds. I said fukkit last week and quit all of them. I felt very strange for a few days, and now all the major irritation is moving in. I remember feeling like this when I wasn't on meds before. Not only am I depressed, I'm killer irritable. It is awful. That I have to feel like this makes me very sad and angry. I just want to be normal like everyone else, and am failing miserable.

I have pretty much given up on ever finding a mate and the thought of living in this apt building full of mental patients the rest of my life makes me feel suicidal. I have been avoiding going to the mental health clinic because I am sick of being ill. I hate everyone right now. I resent happy normal people. I wonder what it is that I have done to deserve the pain and despair I have gone through for so many years. I hate life. I hate humans. I hate the world. I resent being stuck on this planet. I don't want to be here. I am stuck in amber. I am paralyzed. I have stopped functioning almost altogether. I am despondent that I have to spend my whole life all alone. I feel God hates me. Wants me to suffer. I hate Him too. I hate everything. I spit on all of u. Die all of u. I have spent the long Memorial Day weekend alone. No one gives a fuck about me.

Fuck off humanity. Fuck off world. Fuck off universe. U wanna know what it feels like to be bipolar and depressed? It is pure hell of the mind and spirit. My soul is dying and I want it dead. I wish to God I had the nerve to kill myself. It's like even with that I cant' be bothered. I can't be bothered to do anything. Live or die. I just exist day to day. Scrounge in my kitchen for something to chew and swallow when hunger pangs get to be too much. Despondent cuz I can't pay my bills anymore. Despondent cuz I want to die before I have to go live with my family. They wouldn't help anyway, but i am afraid I have gotten to the point where I can't take care of myself anymore. Maybe I should find homes for my pets. I really dont' care what happens to me or them. I just want to die and feel nothing anymore.

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