i haven't been getting out very much at all these days. not well. cry alot. in pain alot. ignoring all my bills. staying stoned and lethargic. waiting for the ax to fall when i am absolutely broke and can't even pay my rent anymore. thinking about when i will eventually have to eat out of a garbage can cuz i can't function anymore and i end up in the street.
went to get my meds tuesday and wandered out and left without them. i get sick of sitting in that waiting room at the mental health clinic i go to. sick of seeing the fucking mental cases like me there. sick of being included in it all. sick of being sick. i hate looking at their ugly faces. i hate them all. hate going there and being questioned by the nurse every time i get my meds. getting weighed. seeing my psychiatrist and therapist. i hate it all. i'm not supposed to go without lamactil 2 days--so fucking what, none of those meds help anyway.
memorial day is coming up in a few days, and i will no doubt spend yet another holiday totally alone. every fucking holiday. every fucking birthday. every fucking valentine's day. i think about ways to kill myself all the time. pray to god to give me the guts to do it. who wants to grow old alone? that is where it is going for me. that is where i am headed.
i think about my married lover's life and of all the things in his life he has done with his wife and daughters. all the little things in life people take for granted, i hunger for that. the little touches of affection--the laughter. the adventures, the romance. even the boring aspects of life. making dinner, having a home and family. i have missed out on knowing it all. the day to day life of being a couple. i am jealous and can't understand what it takes to have a real life. i have always known my whole life that i was not living the way i should. that there is so much more out there. an authentic life. maybe i have no capacity for it. just don't know how to do it. i am lost. i am alone.