i have been thinking about my ex married lover paul all day today. how handsome and sweet and passionate. how when we rounded pacific coast highway on his harley and santa monica beach came into view. his hair whipping in my face. me biting it and pulling with my teeth. me wrapped around him, hanging on for dear life. it was awesome. at that moment, i told God that if we crashed at that moment and i died right there, i'd die a happy woman. hangin' out on the coast, drinking and cuddling and watching a school of dolphins jump straight north. even saw a seal. watched pelicans land and take off. funny, i live near the beach, and had never seen so much wildlife action. like it was a show just for paul and me. i felt so romantic and sweet sixteen with him. he says, "yeah, we're going to have some good times, babe." i take it with a grain of salt, cuz he's married. he says we have all the time in the world. that he believes in long lifetime friendships. i miss him so much. tears spring to my eyes, and i feel sadness and loss. oh well, gotta move on. how is an affair with a married man going to help me? my friend said that is nothing but bad karma. i felt a little guilt, but felt it was our affair and we had a good time. but then reality kicks in and u have to turn away from ur dreams sometimes. bye paul. i would have prefered to have made love to u a few hundred more times.
i just got a call from the guy i went out with the other night to the sushi bar. told him i wasn't over my little fling with paul yet, and that i have alot of stress in my life. could we be friends. blah blah, he says he's disappointed. whatever.
met yet another guy yesterday for hot chocolate at the corner coffee shop yesterday. he's a rock climber. like serious one. he hands by a finger from mountains and shit. he's got awesome pix of him scaling super high rocks and bridges. he thinks i'm kinda awesome. no, i said i was awesome, and he agreed. he's a hippy like me. laid back CA dude. got the surfer dialect. been climbing for 20 years. he's wiry and thin, no fat on him. says he has a cool house a mile from the beach in thailand, where he plans to retire one day. says he has videos of himself climbing, and has i name. i told him that i would be eating his dust, he's so fit. i am feeling ill and tired all the time. how can i keep up with him? he likes my pad. how i decorated it with all my thrift shop items and stuff i've found in my alley behind my apt. bldng. i have a knack for eyeing cool items. i totally can resell this stuff, but don't have the money space or motivation. i plan on beating this disease or die trying. getting older and my 50th birthday is doing my head in though. losing my looks. wanna find my mate soon. i am looking for my true love.