Saturday, May 9, 2009

car show

went to the cool classic car show today. back home. thought about paul the whole time i was there cuz i had asked him to go to it with me. beautiful gorgeous cars and motorcycles. stage set up with some kind of off the wall beauty contest going on. lots of tattoos and hispanic culture. pretty cool. cops yelling at everybody to get out of the road so the busses can pass.

i am semi-aware of everything, but i mention several times to my friend that is walking with me that i will not remember much about it. it was all a blur. very depressed. too depressed to feel much---i feel blank, like cardboard, but at the same time in pain in solar plexus ==in heart. brought along a camera to take pix but felt too ambivalent to care. i have got to stop this obsessive thinking. it is always with me. the racing thoughts, the negative mind set. the suicidal ideation.

i am on the verge of getting back in touch with paul. i am trying hard to stay away from him. it is hard. i think about the good times we could have together, and the affection i have for him and he for me. i can tell he cares about me. it is stressful, cuz my ex that has just got out of jail keeps calling and emailing me, and i have got to stay away from him. he's is a terrible person. i can do better.

i want my paul cuz he was gentle and sweet with me. what am i going to do about this? he is married and in love with his wife of 19 years. he is entrenched in his relationship with her, yet she is trying to pull away from him and move on or just fuck around. i don't want him if he sees me as revenge on her. i have told him that. he says i deserve to be happy and that i am a wonderful woman. i want his soft hair in my face again. i want his sweet lips.

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