My therapist Jane came over today. I told her about my death wish I have been living with. She asked me if I was serious, and I said yes, that it is all I think about. How I feel like my body is dead weight or full of lead. I asked her if she has other patients that complained about lethargy, and she said yes, and that how they all say how better they feel if they start to get out. I do not feel like getting out. I have been very reclusive and weak feeling. I have no clue how to get my life on track. I feel convinced I have nothing to offer the world, and that I am a big loser. It is sad.
My married lover Paul has moved his family to San Jose. His wife got a job up there. He said he'd see me in 2 weeks, after he is done moving them up there. He doesn't want to move up there, but they need the money. I am losing interest fast. What is the point of seeing this man? I love being with him, but he obviously wants to stay with his family. It hurts alot, but what can I do? Just forget him and move on. Only, I don't feel like moving on. I am stuck in neutral, not moving forward, just idling. As I get closer to my 50th birthday, I have become very embittered that I have no love in my life. Out of all these men I have been dating, I end up only being attracted to a married man that is unavailable. I miss him, but at the same time, I resent him just popping up into my life whenever he gets around to it. He knows I care alot about him. I think he is for sure avoiding me, even though he started the whole thing. I feel like a piece of ass.