Tuesday, June 2, 2009


It's official I can't pay my bills anymore. I have been trying for so long to hang on and pay off all my debt. Now, I just have to let it all go and let it ruin my credit I have been trying to build up since my bankruptcy in 1999. I cannot express how petrified I am of my dismal future. No money. No love. I cry on a daily basis. I don't know what's going to become of me. I don't want to be homeless and eating out of a garbage can. Should I be some rich man's girlfriend so I can pay my bills? I feel too ugly for anyone to want me. I feel like I am going to be circling the drain before long. To live alone and have no one to lean on or care what is happening to me is unbearable. I have known a life full of pain and wanting. I have never known love --i have never felt security. I it is me, myself and I out there against the World. I used to say Sandi vs the world, but it is no doubt vice versa. The World vs Sandi. The World ambivalent to Sandi. Dog eat dog. Survival of the fittest. I am aging quickly. I feel used up. Sink or swim Sandi. I feel leaden--how can I stay afloat in this cut throat town?

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