Ponderin' life in my lil red geo

i have no doubt that in some way this is really happening to me, because i keep getting messages.....got in my car and meandered unthinking towards venice beach to maybe drown myself..as luck would have it, it was street cleaning day so couldn't find parking so i just drove around in traffic....LA traffic is so horrible...i heard this song i had never heard before, saying, so u want to take ur life......i felt i was getting messages again......i found a quiet back street and pulled under a shade tree....bob marley came on, singing, give thanks & praise to the lord and feel alright........thanks bob.....KROQ lunch break.....i cry and listen to pink floyd the wall....is this all tied in with my mental illness?????? is this all real????? am i just a speck of sand ?? a mote in God's eye?????? LA traffic boxes me in from all sides.....i feel paranoid and afraid i am losing it....god i don't know what to think anymore....