Very emotional this morning......my married Paul doesn't even call me anymore, so I have to forget he exists and go on....I was infatuated with him, but that is totally over now. He knows I am bipolar and can't pay my bills and looking for work...to not even call and see if I am ok speaks volumes to me.....
When I go delusional like I have been doing for weeks now, it is a bitter thing to realize I have no one to turn to to talk about this..that I have to go it alone....I have my therapist Jane, but it is not enough......I am alone in this world.....bipolar world. My doc says I am unstable and may be going starting to go through menopause so he wanted me to go to my doc.....I am distraught that once again I am proven wrong that I am not here to help this world---that I am not an angel, and that I am just mentally ill and that I don't matter in this world. I have to stop crying and just realize I have no one but me to rely on.....
It's so weird....I feel I have a message to get out to the world, but so what? Others have already done it....what would make me more special than them...??? That others could talk to me while I am in a full delusional state and channeling dead celebreties and God himself...........??? Am I real? Does this thing I have inside me really exist? I don't know anymore....My name in greek means helper of mankind...does that mean anything? Was I really given a mission????????
I asked my friend in Italy to tell me what is reality? Asked him to think about it and get back to me.....I am not sure anymore, but know that the 3 dimensional kind is too harsh for me to live in. I am slowly dying and scared......
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