Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Same song, different verse.....

Still not well. I finally started moving and functioning a little in the past few days out of necessity. I had to again advance money from my SSDI to try and get some groceries for me and my cats. I had nothing in frig and no cat food, litter, or toilet paper. I have not been going out of my apt in is endless. I have to go to dentist today to see about my tooth that has been falling apart before our MediCal quits paying dental in a few days. Thanks Arnold Swarzeneggger....I am quite despondant these days on a daily basis, and have lost weight. I look old and awful to me. I am sure I will never attract a mate now. Why would anyone decent want a mental case that is old looking on top of it? I sent out a couple of resumes today, even though I feel this way. This person that I was infatuated with has proven to me he does not want me, even though that is what he stated when we met. I feel like a fool and a slut. Well, I have never been known to make wise decisions when it comes to men. I tell people that in another life, I must have been a man that treated women badly, because I feel like I am paying for it now with my come uppance. I try to attach meaning to my suffering, but it is what it is, I guess. Some people function better in society, and I have always gravitated to the outer circles because of my inferiority complex. Intellectually, I realize I am smart and somewhat attractive, but my ego is damaged. Yep. I am damaged goods, and men see that and run away from me. Me and my pessimistic attitudes do not help it either. It would be so wonderful to feel normal and not overwhelmed with fear and self hatred. Low self esteem ruined my life.

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