i don't edit when i write this blog cuz i am very messed up from smoking. i am high, but i know what i'm saying. i think i am getting more ill and don't know what to do about it. i think about death always now. i don't want to go on living. i have stopped dating mostly, cuz i am not attracted to anyone.
i have thought about it, and i have dated writers, artists, doctors, lawyers,contractors, engineers, entrepeneurs, a producer, a financial analyst, an actor, a computer programmer. so i know i can attract these men, and they have some of the qualities i am looking for, but i feel nothing and i move on.
i don't know what i am looking for anymore. i thought if i dated rich men i would feel happy. i love the nice dinners and the intelligent conversations, but i don't want these men. it is very hard that i am infatuated with a married man. he has what i want. creative, intelligent, kind, sensitive, gentle, responsible, devoted, and handsome on top of it. i liked putting my head on his shoulder. what woman wouldn't want him? and he was faithful until he reached out to me. he was looking, and he found me. he started it. i miss him. dammit!!! i feel like a love sick teenager.