Tuesday, May 19, 2009

up late again

spent a miserable weekend alone. it is unbearable. i can't sleep at night cuz i can't sleep alone, and just pace the floor and listen to music. get high. feel distraught alot. cry. wonder why i have to live like this. all the usual noises in my neighborhood is driving me crazy. the sirens and the people outside shouting at each other. traffic all the time. i feel like i am going insane or am headed for a breakdown, and don't know how to stop it. i have so many men tell me daily on that stupid social network tagged that i am beautiful and an angel. that they would be so happy if i were their girlfriend. that i am the best thing ever, and i have no one to call my own. no boyfriend, no husband.

the bloom i felt for my married lover is defintely over. i just feel like a piece of ass now. i for some reason idealized him cuz i was infatuated, but i guess he is like all the other men out there that wants to get into my pants. i feel like a moron. i feel like i've been dumped cuz i haven't heard anything from him. i wonder what i did to make him disappear. i am pissed at myself for saying to him how much i care. i forget from past experience that i should never show a man that i am into him. it is ok with a man to be sexual, but not emotional. i should not let it bother me but it does. if i do not hear from him, then that is that. he is very afraid he will lose his family. well, he started it. he is the one who looked for me. he told me that i was what he wanted. oh, maybe not me, i realize, just the sex part. how many times will this happen to me before i realize i have to not show i care? men disappear when that happens.

you know what ? so what? i don't care. i wallow in it and let it go......

this is my personal journal, so i write what i am thinking about and feeling, and then i go on to post something else. i don't like to dwell on the grammar or syntax or the expressive formulations of ideas. i just write it down and move on......

sometimes i post this video by sugarcult, just to see if the universe is listening....kinda asking for help here...

please universe, send my soul mate! asap!!!!!! here is a good view for him to see when he lands here.....i am ever hopeful,
your friend,


dream bf....sexy, manly, and tender...... but with eyes only for me

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